A Party it was

indeed. We had a great time. DH had to wear a homemade Smock my mom made... it had baby nipples as his nipples, long salad tongs to help dispose of dirty diapers, mask and eye protection for those dirty diaper changes, diaper rash cream, Barney bib and Barney paci clip. (Now remember that DH hates Barney... oh, did I never tell you that? It is true, he believes Barney is dead(oh my, cover your kids ears if you are reading that out loud)). So it was fun thanking everyone there in their support for our new journey in life to add to our family through the beautiful love of adoption.

I did tell a few people that just b4 the party we had gotten an email with the potential situation that we had to decline(see post below) and let me tell you there were even more supportive of our journey then knowing it could happen at anytime possible. They told us all to hang in there and that to believe there is the right situation out there to come for us and I really truly believe that. DH and I are really feeling good about things. Sure, we have to prep for the possibility of many months before a match, but knowing we have such a wonderful support system out there, we are not giving in hope.

So I did get some duplicates of bouncie seats that I get to take back and apply those credits towards this graco stroller we need that goes with the snugride baby carrier we did get. Then we need to buy a baby bath tub, changing table pad(we got a cover as a gift, but not the pad, hehe) and a one other larger item, I can't remember what it was. I am sure i will think of it later. hmmm.

Diaper bag, lots of crib sheets, microwave bottle steamer cleaner, blankies(some homemade by long time family friends), baby lamb(so soft), car seat protector covers, diaper changing table organizer, bottles, wash clothes, diaper champ, some diaper wipes, ointments, and lots and lots of gift cards to both bbrus and target. SWEET. I am so thankful for all the wonderful gifts and support.

THis week i need to take back a few duplicates and buy that stroller and tub and then find room in the nursery to put the items we did get and store a few things for when the baby gets here. I love it. Thank you to everyone!!!


Off to enjoy the Cardinals game today. more later.

so one last edited note, do I really need a diaper warmer ? I keep my house cool in the summer and cool in the winter, I am hot blooded and have to! would a diaper warmer be warranted?

situation # 3 declinced

our reply to the agency, We regretfully will have to decline this potential adoption situation.

So sad.

1 2 3 4 5 .......

I love vacation, but man it is hard to come back

back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now.... sing it!

Yup.. vacation was a week long(tuesday to Monday) and we had a great time. We went here. Onondaga Cave State Park. We camped in the back of the line of camping spots and then enjoyed fishing in the Meramec river and pond from the cave and we also took the Onondaga Cave Tour. Very cool to realize we were so far deep and so high in the cave caverns. Amazing colors of formations and water colors. Some lights are shaded to give it a more dramatic effect, but natural light was their goal and it highlighted the most brilliant reds, yellows, whites, even green as turquois colors in the caves. If you are one that likes to explore nature, please go to this cave even for the 70-90 minute tour in Leasburg MO.

I did put on sunblock 45 and still got burned on my legs and arms and head.

I also did a first in my life.. I let my mom color my hair while at the camp grounds. Yes, first time I ever colored my hair. It is not far from my natural color, but now I feel a little bit more brave to try highlights. NO MORE GRAY HAIR. YEAH.

Now I am busy listing things on ebay. These are the hand-made pillows 1 and 2 my mom and I made while at the camp grounds.

ugh.. DH is needing the pc.. be back later for more of an update.

FUN and SUN . Summer is here

it pays

ok.. several weeks to save several bags of soda/beer cans(no, I don't drink beer bleckbleckbleck!!) and I turned them in today for a whopping $10.71. A backseat of my focus filled with bags and I only got 10.71? ok.. I won't complain, just curious as to why the price of recycling went down from 70 cents per pound from last week down to 63 cents per pound. Heck, I would have made another few bucks.

So let me add 10.71 to my thermometer. hehe

I also was a good girl and took back the tops i bought at jcpenney and got back 21.00. but that is not fundraising, that is just being wise to the al-mighty dollar!

a penny here a penny there

spending the next week working hot and heavy on some fund raising ideas.

What fund raising ideas can you throw my way?

I have been saving soda and beer cans from family and friends(if you wish me to take them off your hands I would be glad to come by and grab them tomorrow or next monday!!! just blog me here and I can come by locally!)

I am going to start taking pictures of the items my mom has been crafting and creating .....ladies.. think of xmas gifts(heck it is almost July and I have friends that start their xmas shopping in July!) so come back in about a weeks time to see if I have my links up yet of those nice handmade items. Lots of fleece items for kiddo's and some fun items for us adults, think mardi gras and st. pats day themes and such. She also makes custom orders so I will promote her work here soon.

I had my yard sale 2.5 weeks ago and made at least 200.00 bucks clear.. not much, but hey it helps pay towards the next step of the adoption process, THE MATCH FEE of $2500.00

I am making lots of fun beaded bracelets this weekend while on vaca and hope to sell them soon.

I found some good bargains at yard sales this weekend and plan to put them on Ebay soon too. Hey, are Kenneth Cole purses worth much to anyone? hmmm, might have to keep them for myself(one does have ink pen marks in the inside but the other is in pretty good shape(and I got them dirt cheap). I found extra nursery decor and I plan on listing that on ebay also(pieces I already have). That stuff is selling like hot cakes on Ebay these days. WOW.

I am going to start talking up the idea of me starting to babysit again. Yes, I am For Hire. And think of the funds going towards a great cause, OUR FIRST CHILD through the wonderful blessing of adoption soon!

I was thinking of asking my niece and newphew to help me do a car wash soon at the local repair shops lot, it would be on a busy street so maybe that could bring in some good customers. FREE Car Wash, but donations accepted for a good cause, OUR ADOPTION fund.

hmmm, what else? Are there any other things I can do to use as a fund raiser?


Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated.
and no, I am not begging for money, I like the idea of having worked hard for every penny here and every penny there! Just like idead to help out.

cycle of life

sadly the cycle of life happened too soon for the resident doves little baby. Doves are abundant in the City boundries. I am sure they are in the county too, but seems I have become the foster care host home of a resident dove on my wire harness that comes out of my house. I will try tomorrow to take a picture of that nest. She nested there about 4 years ago and each year she comes back with her mate. This year she has successfully raised and fledged one chick so far. See, doves mate several times a year and brood their babies all summer long.

first true summer sign

as I let the dogs out around the dusk hour(8:45 pm or so) I immediatly said "Summer is here" when I walked out onto the deck. Lightning bugs! (a.k.a. Fireflies for those that don't live in the inner-city!) LOL And bats.

Lighning bugs sure bring back the days when I was ages 8-12 or so. We (girlfriend down two houses) would go find an old pickle jar in her dads workshop, grab a screwdriver and proceed to poke about 5 holes in the top of the lid and then went out and picked about a hand full of grass for each jar and then had a hayday running and catching the lightning bugs! Oh fun. Yes, I was a tom-boy of sorts when I was a kid. I loved doing the "bug" thing when I was that age. Turning over rocks and playing with worms and roley-poley-ollie-o's. Fun.

Summer is here.

Where's the bbq?

our first holiday this year that brings us into SUMMER mode and where the heck is the bbq? Not one of my family members, or dh's at that, had a bbq this weekend. We did celebrate DH's bro's 40th bday by attending a surprise party for him, but that was good table food/deli meats, etc... and lots of beer and margaritas.. so DH is going to have to do some bbq'in for me this weekend coming up!

Yes, A margarita I had. I am off my meds now so I indulged and it was YUMMY. Very strong and everyone was loving them so I had to have one too, but I missed my salt rim as the makers of the margaritas did not bring any salt. BUT I enjoyed it!

lots of home items need to be worked on. Dang the weather. Oh, hornets are the subject for outside our house. Literally outside our house. They have taken up residence in the metal shack we have (little metal shed). We are watching the doggies when they go outside to make sure there is not a new hornets nest near or around the deck and or shack. Otherwise I am on target with the 25 foot hornets sprayer! ha. man, those things sure love to dive bomb the dogs and DH and I when out there. I wonder why they keep targeting our deck and shack? Why don't they go bother the man that has the falling down garage and sickly peach tree in his back yard that does not go out to enjoy his backyard? Murphy's law?

So this week is a short one for you all. Today I was driving around( yes, I am allowed to drive finally since surgery) and thought hmmm, today being Sunday, that means DH has to work 5 days this week and I DON'T .. hehe.. then I realized that it is Monday. Oopsie. So he has to work 4 days this week and I DON'T. hehe.

My follow up with the doc is next Tuesday and then we will look forward to booking a camping date sometime soon! YEAH. Hopefully near a river so we can go sit in the river under a shade umbrella in our river chairs. YEAH. Ummm, guess what my drink of choice will be that weekend that we finally go...........Starts with an M, involves a salt rim , blender to crush up some ice(read: frozen). I do declare a beach blanket (river chair/umbrella) celebration soon to be had.

Tell me something, Why do people who don't belong out in the heat still go out in the heat and overheat themselves? I do not get that. Today, while filling up my gas tank (27.00 and some change) a man was on the ground by the pay phone and with a fire rescue truck awaiting am ambulance. He was indeed overheated(heard the conversation) and was wearing long pants and socks and shoes and a wife beater top. I just don't get it. He was an older man and looked in shape, but it was clearly too hot for him out there. I guess I care about our elderly and I hate seeing them get sick and overheated when they can avoid it. I sure hope his home has an AC unit in it. He was not in a low income neighborhood either. hmmm

ok, off to pop dh some popcorn.. whiney is getting edgy for his popcorn.

another day closer

to healing, but not up to par just yet.

I swept the house today, that was a 3 part job. Swept living room, dining room and then had to stop. Swept bathroom and bed room and then stopped and then hallway was last and I then made DH to the kitchen. I was on the couch in pain after the hallway. BUT no percocet. Just leaning to deal with the pain management without prescirption and too many tylenol.

Doggies are not wanting to go outside with all this heat. I don't blame them. I went out with them at 8:30 this AM and I swear it felt like 90 degrees already. So I decided against going to a few yard sales and instead went back to the comforts of my sheets and conforter. LOL Maybe a few yard sales this coming week.

check these out. My sister is a bargain hunter and found these new john lennon real love baby shoes at the resale shop the other day. She was so excited to buy them and bring them to me the other day. She then went on Ebay and found the price for them in this auction that sold. She was floored and said she will keep searching for more for me so I can sell them on ebay too. LOL

So I need to make a to do list for next week after this holiday. Get my energy up to cut the dead burning bush from the front of my house. No, I never did that yet. secondly is to buy some night hanging flower baskets for my front porch and then plant some flowers in the pots for the front porch also. Then I need to get a hair cut and color. I will do this while out on medical leave. I am tired of my long hair and need a shorter cute cut and much needed color. I will treat myself. I deserve it. Then I will book my massage that DH got me for my b-day back in Jan. Also will do a pedicure while there. So need some love for these feetsies of mine.

The list of Thank You cards is growing. I need to buy some cards to send out. Beautiful flowers from co-workers from my surgery, some baby gifts of recent came in from friends, and some beautiful crocheted baby blankets from my aunt in Nebraska. Bless her. They are beautiful.

dinner is on.

thinking I can venture out

wrong!

I am healing, but man my head is in a fog and it has to be the percocet. LOL I slept nil last night and I bet it was from sleeping off and on all day yesterday. I have my nights and days mixed up right now. Need to correct that.

Pain level, maybe a 3 today, down from a 5 yesterday. TMI warning..... My bowels are moving and that is the pain I am having to adjust to so far. I am not one that deals well with that kind of pain as I have IBS and it can range from low pain to a very high pain threshold sometimes, now with surgery complete and some scar tissue removed from the bowel wall that was adhered to the uterus I know I have to take a little while to heal up. Time will heal, just gotta try it without the drugs so I can become a social bug again.

I need a hair cut so bad. Heck, I need a shower to even make this grease mop look at little better at least and that is with much hope. So I think a hair cut is in order. Now to decide if a cut and color is in order. I have never colored my hair and it really needs it with the nice strands of gray showing up like little radar heads.

Ahhh, a bowl of cheerios and banana with a little splenda sprinkled over the top of it. Yum. I am not a morning cereal eater, but the last 2 days I am loving these ripe bananas and cheerios together.

What is up with this HOT weather? I loved having the windows open and breeze through the house, but suddenly the hot summer days are here and it is not even the holiday yet. Looks as thought he pool will be opened right on time this year. Sunblock spf 45 is on my shopping list for when I can venture out of the house. I lobster, I don't tan, I bake beat red, I don't tan. So I must protect.

Oh, baby shopping issues. I am set for our shower but need to go add a few things to the babydepot registry that they don't have online. FUN... again for when I can venture out of the homestead.

Thank you cards are in order for a few folks

my list is getting longer, my head is getting lighter, I must go lay down.

so thats what the problem was....

Adenomyosis

All I can say is I had heard about this and heard it was painful, now I have lived it and it all makes sense. I had endometriosis trapped in my uterine wall all this time. No wonder I could not carry a baby to viability. No wonder I bled like a stuffed pig, no wonder all my years of pain. I had endometriosis removed 4 times stage 4 and now this? WOW.

My OB is a savior. I can't wait to have a pain free month ahead of me after I recoupe.

The pain ... I can't describe it. The bleeding, 80-90 tampons a cycle and 30 pads on a bad cycle. COMBINED damnitalready.

So I will be blessed to have a pain free life ahead of me having removed this defective uterus now. Healing is the hard part, especially emotionally. I am so sorry I could not carry a baby for my husband, but I know there is a baby out there for us to hold and love and cherish.

ok, percocet is working .. off to bed.


can't wait for the sunny days ahead of no more uterine pain.

confessions of the mind

in some sort of conversation this past week, DH and I both started talking about the gender of our children-to-be. He confessed to me that he has hope that we would have a girl for our first child. WOW. I was amazed, not shoced, and relieved that he was yet again matching my most inner thoughts and hopes for our future adoption. I know, we can't be beggers and choose the gender of our baby, that is just not us, but we can hope and wish for things. DH and I have this connection, an unspoken one. I told him that it was amazing that he felt this way because it was the exact same way I felt too. He wants a Daddy's little GIRL and I can't wait to see him spoiling our baby girl one day. Sure, I hope it is our first childs gender too, but we will not be greedy and request that. I wholeheartedly will love our baby no matter the gender when he or she is placed in our arms. Unconditionally. No doubts.

DH and I have unspoken words that sometimes surface and sometimes are exactly what the other is thinking/wishing/hoping for. I love when a couple has that innermost connection.

Ok, I am in the 2nd hour of my pre-surgery prep. Yuck. All I can say is Magnesium Citrate is NASTY and I won't be leaving the house for the next 10 hours as I am tied to the toilet. Yuck. Sorry,,, TMI TMI TMI..

not the best outcome, but profit did ring true

what a strange day for low traffic for yard sales. We did make up our costs on food and soda, water, etc... so we cleared at least 240.00 for a hard days work. BUT that is 240.00 towards our adoption funds. I will take any profit over loss any day.

Thanks to my mom, her friend Jane, DH and my MIL, we did OK for a slow traffic day.


ring up that total board to read $1605.00! YEAH.. it is climbing upwards.

Ok, off to turn in my 29 dollar winning lottery ticket. Wait, that brings us to $1634.00 then on the tote. HA.


I will be working with my mom on some ebay sales in a few weeks when I am on medical leave. I am repeatedly hearing that ebay is slow, do you find that true?


Now I am off to shower relax and sleep.

Praying to the "NO RAIN" gods...

Oh please oh please let there be NO RAIN tomorrow(Saturday) .. Yard Sale here at our house and I am praying hard that there is NO RAIN.


No .. No... No...

Please please please.

NO RAIN NO RAIN NO RAIN.


last day of work b4 surgery. Training the temp is going really well. I hope she gives me an ok review when I return to work in 5 weeks or so.

Her passage to Heaven happened

cancerbaby is now in heaven. I will sure miss her, but will never forget her. She got me through some very dark days in my IF journey. Prayers to her family and friends. Thanks for your prayers too if you saw my post below.

here is a forever link
http://www.fileden.com/files/12934/cancerbaby.html

5 days left

before we take out this broken uterus.

Monday is surgery day and I go in for an 8 am surgery time. So that means I will have to be there around 6 am .

No, this is not an elective surgery in anyway shape or form, it is a necessity now due to having AF's for 14 days long on average with 7-10 of those days with nasty NASTY heavy flow. I know, TMI TMI.. but it is life I live and this is where I chat about it. I don't fit in on the IF boards anymore, so this is my portal of venting.

So my expected statement after surgery is... "Now that you are adopting, I am sure you will get pregnant". I swear to you I can't wait until the first person says that to me because I will totally lose it on them. HA. NO, I can't eff'ing have a baby due to my broken uterus we had to EXTRACT from my being. Defective uterus can't survive in me and make me miserable anymore so I had to take it out to avoid a real loss of sanity and physical being.

I can't wait to have a new libido again. See, a normal woman's cycle goes like this and then I will explain mine.

normal(whatever that is!) is an average 28-31 day cycle to include 5 - 7 days of AF, then ovulation around day 12-16 and then lots of baby making sex to boot b4 that ovulation date and then a sweet 2 week (approx) wait to find out if pg.

me: 25 day cycles if lucky = 14 average days of bleeding(AF) and then ovulating while bleeding on day 12-14... spotting for 4-5 days after AF and then lots of Endometriosis pain from days 18-25 and then AF again. So no libido nor time to have a libido as it is interrupted with crap like this all the time. My Poor DH.

I will be having an LAVH (laporoscopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy) I have a feeling this will be a less painful procedure than I expect it to be. Hmmmm, anyone been there done that with this procedure to be able to tell me what to expect for post op pain and recovery?


Yard sale this Sat. WIsh Us luck.

hope to add another 400 to the ticker.

Mothers day recognized

Thanks to my mom, DH and my mom's friend, I was wished a Happy Mothers day several times over. It felt good to have that recognition. They all know the many angels we have in heaven and they know I am a mother at heart although our angels are not on earth but in heaven instead.

I will be An Eartly Mother in due time. !

I WILL, but meanwhile I will cherish every day as a Heavenly Mom to my angels.

Happy Mothers day to every mother out there, even those that are Heavenly angel Mothers!

If you pray, please spare a prayer for a fellow cyber blogger

cancerbaby could really use your prayers.I have read her blog for a few years now and it hurts my heart to know she is in so much pain.

CANCER SUCKS. I lost my dad at 49 years of age to lung/liver/bone cancer and it sure scares the shit out of me knowing that I am susceptible to it also.

My prayer is to give her peace in hour journey no matter the outcome. She deserves peace and I so wish I could make that a cancer free peace. Frick.

I found her blog one day searching out infertility blogs and have followed her posts, although sometimes far apart understandably, but she has always been so unselfish and kept us posted in cyber land. Thanks to her unselfishness again, she has had a friend post her updates. This, I admire!

Many inspirational posts from her despite the diagnosis she has lived with now.

Dear Lord above, please hear our prayers and bring peace to her and her family. I want her to live and be cancer free. FRICK

Public Domain,yes, Copyright= Stop using my shit

Yes, you know who you are. Stop using my shit on my site.

spring has sprung

last night I came home to DH telling me not to let the doggies out because there was a baby robin in the back yard. He caught our oldest doggie in the yard earlier with the poor chick in her mouth. UGH. So I promptly went out there with a towel expecting to find a dead chick, but actually it was in the yard and walking around. I took the towel and picked it up and put it in the neighbors yard. The momma and pappa robin were not very happy with us for messing with their chick, but I had to save it from the jaws of death of my doggie. yuck.

So this morning i found the chick in the yard of another neighbors. I sure hope our doggie did not hurt that baby chicks wing. hmmm. I tried my best to save that chick.

you should see all the baby doves just fleeing their nests now.

Spring has sprung. Iris blooms... peonies up.. fun.

SCORE

Wow... My sister asked me, upon driving into the very back parking lot of the school baby mania sale yesterday to find a parking spot, if I had ever been to one of these baby mania sales. My reply, "Nope". She got all excited and looked at me and said that I would be overwhelmed. Well I was not so much overwhelmed, but instead I was in SHOCK. Sure, you have those re-sellers that love to overprice their items, but then there are those families that love a bargain so they sell at a bargain too. I so live for those kinds of sales.

This is the first score I found this picture frame for the first year. $.75

Then my mom came across this rug. Mind you it was only 10 bucks and on ebay right now they are selling between 45-60 bucks plus shipping. HA

We found several gender neutral sleepers, a pair of crib shoes for about $2.50 total(no, not all john lennon motif) and all of these stuffed animals 1 2$.25 3$.25 and one picture frame $1

Then I came across this NEW in package Floor play mat for 7 bucks.

I swear to you my mom and sister are really getting into this nursery decorating, BUT now we have a large number of items in the nursery so we will have to chill on this.

Last night I went online to burlingtons baby depot and registered.

Today I get to put a list of names and addresses together for the baby shower my family is insisting on having next month(of course I have qualms about this because we don't have a match and placement yet of our future baby, but I am enjoying preparing for that day so I guess a shower will be added fun in the prep).

I really feel that some items are necessary to buy new so a travel stroller system will be new and not purchased from friends, family or yard sales. What items did you insist be new?
I love my family, but they are wanting to do hand-me-downs for mostly every item related to a baby. I don't feel totally safe with the car carrier seats they have because they are SEVERAL years older. Is that wrong of me to insist on a new item? Selfish?

baby mania sale tomorrow. YIPPPEE

Oh Lord, hold back the bank card and only give me 40 bucks to spend tomorrow at the baby mania sale at Mehlville high school. I called my sister today(mom of 3, 12yo niece, 10yo nephew and 3yo niece) and my mom to see if they were going and Yup... we are now a 3some going to the sale. Doors open at 8 am and we are to get there at 7:30 and wait in line. OMG> I have not done this sale before but my sister said the ladies get there at like 6 am and wait in line and are sometimes VICIOUS when they break the 8 am mark to do the ALL OUT run to the re-sellers. Bahahaha. I am NOT a mad woman like that... well not yet at least. ha. I am on the hunt for baby room closet organizers(i live in the city so my closets are no more than 3 feet wide and two hangers deep so it will be hard to find something used). More crib sheets(my mom is making most of mine by hand, she is a wonderful sewer). and hopefully some good gender neutral clothes. Oh and any John Lennon Real Love items for the nursery of course. My sister called me this past Wed and she said she found a JL RL lamp that matches my nursery.. she snagged it for 5.00. YEAH. I have one already, but honestly I wanted 2 for the nursery so this is cool.

On the subject of sales.. I need to put together my yard sale yet and I can't find a weekend that is free to do one before surgery so I will most likely plan one while out on leave. I sure hope I can get some good help because I can't be lifting things. If I can't do the sale in early June then I will have to hold off for the fall. Summer is just too hot.

I had a good week with the support groups. both were productive and helpful. Glad they are in town. One was for infertility (helping me transition to adoption and the other was for adoption. check out www.infertilityandadoption.org for support group events for both IF and adoption.

17 days and counting

until the end of the pain. Counting down to the day of my surgery for a partial hysterectomy. Sometimes I find myself in denial that I will have this surgery, but after the last 2 days of severe endometriosis pain I am 99% sure I will go through with this surgery. Let me preface this all by saying everyone's pain from ENDO is differnt and I feel that the pain I have for my side of things is a 7-8 amount of pain out of a possible 10 for the worst pain. The last 2 days have been horrible. I know stage 4 endo is the highest you can have(or so they say) and I am at that stage again but in even more pain now than when I had it diagnosed and removed in the previous 3 surgeries. July 99, Oct 00, April 04...stages 4, 3 and 2 removed and this pain I have now is the pain of all 3 of those time periods combined. I can't explain it easily, the pain that is. If you took a rolling pin for cookie dough, added spikes to that roller and then rolled up and down, in and out of my uterus and abdomen, then maybe I can say that is similar to the pain I would compare. I know, call me crazy for that descpription, but it really does hurt like that. So endometriosis is assocatied with back pain... Yup, CHeck that pain. I have had 11 pinched nerves in my back from a car accident back in 1989 and that was very painful, but this pain from the endo is a much different more intense pain that even a massage and or back rub won't cure or ease. My legs become restless with all this abdominal pain too. I know, call me crazy, but it is true.

So yes I am counting the days down to surgery. approx 5 weeks off work. Now to ask for a miracle to come along with this time off work..........

A miracle of an adoption match and placement ... I know, long shot, but hey I can wish for it at least. hehe

I am remaining hopeful that we will have a pain free lifestyle of no endo pain soon, adoption match and placement hopefully in 2006 and a fun summer of camping too!


Blessings to my friends that have all had great news with the adoption front!!!! YEAH. I can't wait to spread the good news.



Cheers to a great weekend and hopefully dry one so I can do some much needed gardening and veggie planting.

If you ever need to ask questions about Endometriosis and infertility, please post and I will get back with you ASAP.

Please, can you spare a prayer

well we are done with our adoptive parenting classes and now our infant cpr class is completed(yes, we had to sit next to a very pregnant mom to be and father to be in our class and we DID survive!). Now comes the hard part of this chase in the adoption journey... the wait. We heard from our agency that there are no perspective birthmother situations and it looks like it might be until at least when school starts up in the fall before we might hear any good news of perspective birthmother situations. We also contacted the agency from another situation a few weeks back that we were not selected for and she told DH that she doesn't have any potential birthmothers with her agency right now either. Waaahhhhh. Now this is when I ask for your prayers to help DH and I through this wait. The wait that could take days, weeks, months, a year?! possibly. I get sad thinking a years time could happen. Heck they quote 18 months on average for a match to happen with these 2 agencies and it seems to be the norm right now with any agency. Ok. just simply asking for a prayer or good thoughts to help remind me to stay calm and remember that the right situation is out there for us to come along at the right time. I am hopeful that we will have a match one day, but I fear the wait time. If you waited a while, come post to me and tell me how you managed to hang tough in the wait time.

Ok.. off to bed to hopefully have GOOD positive dreams about our future baby!


Edited to add one of my favorite prayers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference

chocolate

why must we have cravings for chocolate?

What is your favorite chocolate? candy bar? ice cream? tell me what your fix is!


mine today, twix bar!

does your craving change? or are you the traditional one type of chocolate lover?

I couldn't hit enter/submit

I sat and typed out a long post. Instead of hitting enter/send I sent it to my drafts folder. What I was trying to say was not coming out right in typed words.

I can only say that I admire the honesty of this woman's blog.

I wish I could have the talent to write like that. I am not talented in that way so I will keep it short and simple. I dread having a hysterectomy because I am longing to do one more IVF cycle. (read-FET) because I can't stand the thought of having to leave my life of ttc behind me and also to leave my one frozen embie out there to maybe never be put back into my uterus or one of a surrogates because I can't afford to do either one. For my uterus ... that is committing murder on our embryo. Honestly it is. I can't carry a baby and I keep trying to fool myself into thinking that I could do at least one more frozen cycle and just cancel my booked hysterecomy this coming month. As far as a surrogate goes, I can't do that either because I can't afford to do it. Please don't say I can because I have researched up and down the costs and it is outrageous even if it were to be someone I know(family member and or s who lives about 6 states away that once volunteered. ) I can't afford it. Legal fees, cycle fees, etc. SOOOOOOO I sit here sad that I will eventually call up the Reproductive Endocrinologists office in a year or so and say "Can I please have amy embryo given to me in the tube it is frozen in so I can thaw it at home and put it in the memorial behind my house? " Yes. I plan on doing that. I don't want to donate that embie to research. I don't.

Ok. off my selfpity horse. AF is here so that brings me down to 26 days away from my hysterectomy surgery. I need to really get my butt in gear at work and get a few projects done and ready for the temp they will hire in to fill in for me while gone. That temp can't even begin to learn the things I do in my job so I will have to have some bills sent home to me to pay while out on leave. JOY.

The boss took myself and a co-worker out to lunch yesterday for Professional Administrative's Day. Nice lunch and then a trip to Michaels to buy whatever we wanted in the way of house plant arrangements! NICE. I love that store.

Tomorrow night I will begin washing the bedding, clothes, blankets, etc.. for our nursery. I also need to figure out if we will repain the dresser my mom's boyfriend donated to us so I can use it for a changing dresser! I can use the wall border decals to decorate it after I paint it so it will match the decor of the nursery. FUN>
bidding on john lennon real love dresser drawer knobs now on Ebay. hehe. I am addicted.

Praying hard that we get another perspective situation to be presented to a birthmother. Praying hard.

enjoying the support

When I take my Saturday mornings and hit the subdivision yard sales and such(a very bad habit my mom taught me at a young age, yard sales that is!) , I am looking for 0-3, 3-6 month sleepers of gender neutral colors, socks, blankets that my mom can embroider with the John Lennon Real love caricatures. Today I had such wonderful support from those that asked what gender of baby we were having and I told them I did not know because we are trying to adopt an infant and we are open to gender. Every person that asked today was so supportive and told me that they wished us success and that they thought it was wonderful that we are adopting. Man, I can't be more thanful for such great support even from strangers in our path to become mommy and daddy sooner or later.

Oh, btw, This is DH in the adoptive parenting class last week trying to diaper the baby doll. Bahahaha. He did pretty good actually. I know he has never changed a diaper on a real baby before and this was a good learning experience for him. I also got this one of him putting the baby dolls clothes back on. hehe

So I think we are mostly set for the next situation to come about, now just praying to God that we don't have to wait that long and that we can receive good news sooner than later.

Off to register at Target.

Say Cheese

you bet I will have camera in hand and will try and snap a picture or two of DH diapering the babydoll in our parenting class tomorrow night. OMG> I can't wait. If I can't do it with my camera then I will try it with my cell phone camera(but wait, I have to buy the cord to allow me to upload my cell camera pics to my pc. )


I can brag and say I have a pretty good knowledge of babies and how to diaper and care for them (teach them things, read to them, etc) since I babysat many different kids growing up. I started babysitting at the age of 13. Yes, 13! And no, back then they did not request (parents that is) to be infant CPR certified and THANK GOODNESS I never had to once use that skill. I was a good baby sitter and Always got rave reviews from the kiddo's and was called back often to repeat jobs. I was blessed to have babysat for one friend of the family from when the baby was 3 weeks old until she was almost 6 years old. It was a great job, heck I bought my first sound design stereo turntable and my first 10 speed bike from that money. hehe. She was my steady job each summer and often weekend nights. We had so much fun growing up together and now that little girl is a police officer! Amazing. This leads into the fact that I KNOW I will be a great mom. Sure, I will have my ups and downs and seek advice on things I have never encountered or need to adjust in our parenting to be, but I have a good feeling we both will be great parents. I just hope our kids will grow up and give us RAVE reviews one day. hahaha


Next weeks last parenting class will consist of successful adoption stories and a birthmother and adoptive mother panel. Hmmmmm

Insomnia is bad. Off to rest with a lunesta involved!

Easter? Huh, what day is it?

(Easter, Baby Shower & baby registry, then friends son's death ment below) Fair warning! Read at your own risk.

ha... This is the first Easter I ever remember NOT attending a family function in my life. EVER. My family always had family gatherings for Easter for as long as I could remember back(4 years of age is my first memory or so)including that yucky coconut bunny cake my gram use to bake.. YUCK. We use to dye eggs the night before and then the men in the family would go over to Tower Grove Park and Klemm and hide about 6 dozen eggs in the trees, grass, bushes, etc and then would drive back to the house(about 4 blocks away ). They would pick us all up and we would go to the park and have a blast (we always left one adult at the park to guard our eggs while they went to get us). We always came back to the house to figure out how many eggs would be left behind accidentally. See, the adults would forget where they hid them and us kids would never be able to find them all. (mind you this involved about 12 of us kids, my sis & bro and the rest cousins). I wonder how many animals found our treasure eggs. LOL

I just don't feel like doing anything.. I am not feeling well today anyway. Tummy upset from the jalapeno's I had on my nacho's at the ball park yesterday. Gee gads, You know think I would know better, but damn, food with a kick of spice is my life. BTW, row 8 section 150 behind home plate is a nice place to sit. Thanks to DH for scoring those tickets!

DH and I did it, we registered at babiesrus Friday night. FUN. It really did not bother me seeing other women in there with bellies out to there in their cute maternity tops. Really. I thought it would, but I was pleasantly surprised to be more focused on check marking off the items that DH was running around scanning with that fun scanner. For some odd reason when I would make a wise crack to him he would turn and try and scan my boob. MEN! ha. Gotta love the humor in this man. No, you can't scan my boob you dumbass. So we went from department to department and had fun seeing what odd things we could add to the list that others might crack up about when they see the registry. The assistant (employee) at the registry desk asked us a due date and that is when we told her we were adopting. She was very excited for us and asked us when our baby was to arrive. We told her we were not matched yet and that we were told by family to go register because they are having a Baby Shower for us. YEAH! So we used our shower date as our due date. Boy, wouldn't that be nice if we have a match and placement by then....

Baby Shower date: June 16th. Fun. Co-ed baby shower so I am sure it will be fun. It is strange to not be pg and have a shower, but to be expecting through adoption without a due date is not so bad. I have a large extended family and have attended all of their baby showers so I am sure this shower will be of a large size too. I was coaxed by my mom and sister to register at babiesrus, walmart, burlington and target. So I have one done(bbrus) and another 1/2 done(wallyworld), so now I get to do the others next week. My mom is probably going to help me do target and the other as I think DH is burned out already.

I got a dresser from my mom and her boyfriend that we get to repaint and decorate for a changing table/dresser in the nursery. FUN. I love painting things like this. I hope I can find my talent in hand painting to do some drawer knobs like the John Lennon Real Love pattern. I can't stand to pay the ebay prices for those knobs so I will try my free hand at painting them myself. One thing I can contribute to a personal touch for the nursery. I will post b4 and after pictures of the dresser later. Oh, btw, the girl that used this dresser b4 us was a huge Beatles Fan. She had hand painted John, Paul, George, and Ringo all over this dresser. How ironic because our nursery theme. Ha I love this.

Ok, for the sad news. My sister and bil's best friends lost their 14 year old son this past Friday night to a accidental gun shot wound to his head. Please please please say a prayer for this family. What a tragedy to have happened to anyone. He was deemed brain dead yesterday and organ donation proceeded. His funeral will be this week but details are still being worked out. I can't even imagine living the hell of a tragedy like this. They have 2 younger daughters. I am keeping them in my prayers that they will make it through this week and gather the strength to move forward in their lives yet always remembering D and his passage into heaven. I won't post details because that is a moot point. Please consider keeping them in your prayers this week to make it through each day, hour, minute and second. And to hold steady as a family. D was a very handsome young youth with the love for his family and energy to boot. Please please if you are a gun owner, buy a GUN LOCK for the trigger. Keep it locked!

no go this time

but hey, at least we tried. At least we feel good that we are active in the process of a pool of birthfamilies.

Deep breath. This was an eyeopener for sure. From what we are told, the potential birthmother was already set on another couple as her second choice if the frist couple backed out, which they did. So we are ok with this.

We are in a good network now. I feel good. We are in 2 different agencies pools for potientical situations.

I will count our blessings that we are experiencing this all. It is a learning process that I will carry away a positive hope from.

Ok, so now I have the scrapbooking bug. OMG. Frick. I can't do it... it costs too much money right now.


Ok, new focus... Yard sale Season. I am having this year sale on the 22nd and if you are local and are spring cleaning and want to offload something on me, let me know here and I can get with you to pick it up. All proceeds of our yard sale will go towards bringing our baby home!

keeping the calm

is it possible?

We were presented to a birthfamily this past weekend, but I am going to remain calm about this because we don't know if she will select us or not. But it sure lit a fire under my butt to get to the store tomorrow night and register and hit my sister up for some baby items.

hopefully I can post an update by the beginning of next week.

Happy Easter to you all.

registering

never in the 7 years of IF did I even venture to the baby registry sites online and I totally avoided going into the stores if possible. (yes, walgreens sells gift cards!!)

So, I asked DH to join me in going to the store and registering. My mom has bugged me over the last week to register soon. Hmmm, I wonder why?!

I got a list from the chesterfield store, it was from the events coordinator that is hosting the adoptive parenting event on April 29th. If you need details, post and I will email them to you. Yup, BBRU is having an event. I also got word of a free event on May 5th I think. I will have to find that info and pass it along to you all. It is involving agencies, vendors, etc all realted to adoption. Fun.

I registered on pampers.com and will register with the formula companies too. I am not sure if this adoptive breastfeeding try will work for us, but we will see after the may 22nd surgery. I can't start the meds now because I can't be on them for surgery.

Any other sites you recommend I register on?

marching forward

today is a good day. AF is nearly gone. YEAH. LIke you need to know that.. but get it, this brings us closer to may 22nd(see below) and Freedom from the mean AF.

Camping this past weekend was great. I was able to relax and get some sleep yesterday. Now to get myself to go to bed early tonight. LOL Yeah right.

Soprano's is on next, then that show on HBO with Bill Paxton... Big Love or Real love or something like that. LOL... Oh I have tivo to watch too. fun.

Al MacInnis night for the St. Louis Blues is going on right now. The St. Louis Blues retired his jersey number into the rafters at the Savvis Center tonight. Congrats to Al and his family. I miss his style and grace on the ice. We so need him. Our beloved Blues did not have a very nice season. Heck, I feel as though I have not connected with this hockey season at all this year. Sad. Maybe next year. Anyway..... Thanks for all your hard work and making hockey fun for us all Al MacInnis.

Ok, off to catch up on emails. BTW, what is up with the 470 spam emails I had in my email box today? dang it.

hyterecomy date set. I am done with this

out with my defective uterus.

May 22nd is the day. Just waiting on the call from the doc's office to say what time I have to be there. LAVH is what they call it. Laporoscopic assisted vaginal hysterecomy(partial as we will possibly leave the ovaries in there). I will be in for about 24 hours if no complications. I am sad this has to happen, but I am not able to function each month like this with major bleeding and down time from work. I live in the bathroom each cycle day 2-6 and it is not worth it anymore. I will spare you the details.

My insurance did not balk at booking this even though it is a new company we have since January. Thank goodness.

more later

Cardinals fans.. come one come all

I was born and raised a St. Louis Cardinal Baseball fan. I live about 12 minutes from the downtown stadium. The St. Louis Cardinals NEW Busch Stadium is in my sights for the game Tuesday night to see the Memphis Redbirds(farm club for our St. Louis Cardinals) team whomp up on Double-A Springfield. hehe.

I will take my camera, binoculars, and warm clothes if it gets cold. I am so pumped. We will be there for the first ever game played, although not THE St. Louis Cardinals team initiation... but still. WOW.

I will post pictures later in the week.

I can't wait to see how well our St. Louis Cardinals team does this year.

GO CARDINALS.



former lover of hockey, but always a Red BIRD FAN!

ticker test

are you counting? I'm not

Yeah Right. Hahahahaha.

Today is day 11 of the wait since our home study was approved(trying to find one of those tickers to post here). Day 11 of knowing that there really is a baby out there for us. Just think, there could be a baby gestating that could be born in days, weeks, months times to our hearts and arms. I can only imagine the worries, heartaches and pain the potential birthmother would be going through. I often find blogs online to read of birthmothers and have found a new respect for what they have gone through. No, I will never fully understand their side of things as might they never understand our side of things, but I hope and pray that they find the strength in their hearts to make it through their decisions no matter what the situations turn out to be or whom they decide on to welcome their child into home and heart.

I am able to finally go out and shop for baby things in stores. Most recently we were looking for a baby changing table, no not a changing table, but really a dresser that I could use the top of it for the baby's changing station. To put a changing pad on top of and have drawers below to put clothes, diapers, wipes, necessities in below where I change our future baby and dress them.

I have also been looking at glider/ottoman's. I have a nice rocker, but I wanted something very comfortable. But we will see if that is something I can swindle from family. hehe. Oh, we did find the dresser/changing table from my mom's boyfriend. I have to paint it, but that is ok. I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars for a dresser when I can find one near and welcome it in from family. Heck the crib is from my sister who had purchased it new for my niece who is now near 13 years old(nope, no recalls on it either from the Welsh baby carriage company). A Family heir loom hand me down that I proudly accepted. FUN.


Now, you all know it is Spring time and yard sale season. I am on my way out the door now to recycle my soda cans and use that money for baby items I can find for the nursery. Crib sheets, onsies...etc. I am also hoping to find one or two lamps for the room too. Wish me luck.

CHEERS to wonderful weather this very day. YEAH.


check you all later.

another funny keyword search that hit my blog

pregnant burping


I will leave it at that. No, not me pg burping, but someone searched the www and found those words on my blogity good entries. LOL

weekends are too short

I so wish the USA had a 4 day a week work week and 3 day weekend. LOL, Long wish that will never happen I am sure. I wish I had a maid to do laundry and clean house because that is time taken out of our lives that I can't enjoy with FUN things to do. No, laundry is NOT FUN and if you say it is, you need some serious help. It is a chore and I should get paid to do it. Yes, paid to do my own laundry. Instead, I wish I were out being able to enjoy my DH and I together instead of dusting, sweeping the hair of 3 furdoggies and one furkitty. Etc for all jobs related to our home. Ha.


Well, after searching on the internet for adoption grant resources, I came up with 2 to apply for so far. But funny thing is I can't do one of them yet (other is signed sealed and delivered via the net) because I need to print the application out on legal sized paper. Heck, I don't have any of that. Looks like Office Depottt will be the first stop on my way home from work tomorrow for a ream of legal sized paper. Hahahaha.

I will say my prayers (ok, prayers done for tonight) and hope and pray that the grants applied for will help us in some way, shape or form.

Yard sale details. I am accepting donations of items of used value to put into our yard sale on April 22nd(email me at twogoots at yahoo dot come if you might have an item to donate for the cause) for the purpose of fundraising the Legal team fees of our adoption(1500.00) and then to cover at least 4-6 weeks of work pay because my employer does not have an PAID leave for employees adopting. Sure I get leave, I can take up to 12 weeks off via FMLA, BUT THEY WON'T PAY ME FOR ANY OF THAT. I must either take the time off at placement WITHOUT PAY until I am ready to return back to work(minimum of 6 weeks) or vacation time. I make ok monies at my job, but remember we have gone through 6.5 years of out of pocket expenses to try and have a biological child through IF treatments(hence the title of my blog here, tubeless=ivf). Oh, I am saving 3 weeks of vacation time at the least so I can get paid for a few days off work, but I can't carry that over into 2006 so I must use it this year or lose it. So if we have to wait until early 2007 to be matched and then placed, I have to use up my current vacation b4 Dec 31st.

So our adoption costs are unfolding like this.

so far we have put out 3060.00 for the following two lists:

300.00 application fee
1500.00 contract fee
500.00 first part of home study
500.00 final part of home study

approx $260.00 for the following:
finger prints, copies of both of our birth certificates(certfied), marriage lic(certified copy), physicals(copays), plus profile print copies from your neighborhood kinko's.

It is adding up, but so glad our agency does not require more up front.

Amen to that.

Thanks for reading and sorry if it sounds like I am being a begger for funding, but I think a yard sale is a good way for spring cleaning.

Oh, btw, every time I get home and have money in my pocket, I put some of it in the piggy bank... change or dollars or even some 5 dollar bills. At the end of this month I will open it up and tell you how much I was able to put in there without thinking about it. You know, you addicted Starbucks people, just think about how much you spend on that morning boost, I bet it adds up, so when I have that extra change in my pocket/wallet from my morning addictions too, I put them in the piggy bank when I get home.

Ok, enough rambling.. Off to bed to dream of some more fundraising ideas.

What a rush

when good things happen to you and it sometimes takes a while to sink in, but don't you just love that RUSH of a good feeling that comes out of that sinking in phase? I do.

Today I was going through our finalized home study paperwork (I picked up from the agency last night) and realized that we have been looked at as a "Family" ready to adopt a baby and highly recommended to the governing party that will hopefully approve us in the courts of law when the time comes. The Social worker was very thorough and came to a conclusion that we, "best friends" for over 15 years, are a happily married couple that is "worthy" of adoption and can welcome a child into our homes with much love and happiness to share. I know, that all sounds like puppy love talk, but that is how it is spelled out in laymans terms.

I feel good.

I feel ready to be a mom.

I am scared, don't get me wrong, but man it is a joyous scared, giddy scared.

DH mentioned to me today (while he was at jury duty) that he got several very positive responses from others that asked him if we had any children and he responded with "we are in the waiting period of adopting." I love seeing him excited that others are excited for us. all of them had very supportive things to say and wished us much luck.

Is it that, Luck? Well, I see it this way, DH and I will be so lucky to one day be chosen by a potential birthfamily to welcome their child into our hearts and home. LUCKY indeed. I feel lucky that I will be able to share my craft hobbies, love for the outdoors, love of animals and love of learning about life and living it up with fun times.

We strive for so many things in our lives and becoming parents is our ultimate goal. I can't wait to get down on the floor activity mat with our child and teach them how to extent their arm out and grasp for that one enticing toy that hangs from the activity gym rack. That one that has the brilliant colors and jingles as the gym rack sustains the tug of a tiny little arms and hand and fingers. I can't wait for that moment I can walk into a room and our child will reach his or her arms out for MOMMY. I can't wait for daddy to blow raspberries on his or her belly and make them giggle so softly. I can't wait to watch our child take their first nap so I can watch them sleep soundly. Chest rising with each breath, eyes in deep sleep REM and their sweet little lips pursing the air for a suck of a nuk.

I can finally dream of these things and know they will become reality.

Now if I can only get myself to sleep more than 2 hours stretches, I can then begin to enjoy long sweet dreams. Sure, I know there will be a worrisome dream thrown in there about him or her, but I can take that worry and plot out what I feel will be a possible solution. I won't always have answers to things that happen in our lives with a child in active stature in our house, but I can sure try like hell and enjoy every moment to make it better each day.

Now onto praying and hoping that potential birthmothers come soon and that they can find us in their hearts and lives soon.

Prayers go to the Pearlstone family(death ment)

Matthew Pearlstone was found dead in a dorm room in VA. Matthew is the son of the my (I last saw him for IVF in fall 2004)Reproductive Endocrinologist Dr. Anthony Pearlstone. I am so sad for his family. I remember seeing Matthews exact picture on the doc's shelf in his office. I am heartbroken that Dr. P has lost his son when he is the man that is in the medical field to help other couples / women/ etc. make their families through infertility treatments. Wow. How crazy is that. I am sorry they lost their son. I know the office staff said Dr. P is a dedicated Family man and I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child(although I have lost many pregnanices, this is incomprehensible to me).

I am going to send a sympathy card to the office with a donation to Matthews fund.

My prayers go out to their family.

I love getting these calls

about 2:30 today I got a "Local" number call on my phone, now when I get these I always jump because it could be work, family, friends or even better yet, it can be the Adoption agency... YOU BET IT WAS the adoption agency calling. YIPPPEEE> Our finger prints came back and were ok(better have been!) and we are now approved and finalized for our homestudy. WOOHOOO. I go tomorrow to drop off the $500 check and then pick up the home study packet that is finalized. Ahhhhhhh. MAJOR sigh of relief. What a huge hurdle.

So as the time line goes...

We applied to this agency on January 25th 2006 and today, March 21st 2006 we are officailly Waiting to be presented to a potential birthfamily/mother.

Ok, off to bed to dream of the good things ahead of us.


btw, Infertility rears its head, I am O'ing and my body feels like I have 4 bowling balls in my abdomen. Mean body.. mean. What a tease to ovulate and not be able to have fun with DH to make a baby. Dang it.

I did not need to hear that

I was told by a fellow perspective adoptive friend that the wait at our agency might be as long as 18 months for an infant. WTF?! I am seriously thinking that if our wait for an infant is that long, i will have gone crazy in the time we would wait. I am scared to face a long wait like that. With domestic adoption, there is not telling how lnog the wait will be, but 18 months is on the long end of the wait time from what I have been told. Yikes.

I want to be able to remain confident that we will manage our lives ok with the wait time, no matter how long it takes. I am just scared we will be too anxious like we have already done with the fixing up of the nursey as noted below. I mean, did I jinx ourselves by doing this so quickly? Did we set ourselves up for being disappointed? Who knows, only time will tell of course. I know we have things to keep us busy and focused in the next month .... waiting for our finger prints to come back and then hopefully the OK that our home study is done and passed with approval, then we start our adoptive parenting classes the first thursday in APril for 5 weeks. So that will keep us busy. I am just anxious, nervous, scared, excited all bundled up in this body of mine and DH is feeling the same way.

We did say maybe we need to talk to the agency owner to calm our fears. I will try and email her this week to check on how things are going and if she heard back about our finger prints yet. 3.5 weeks since they were mailed off? or was it 2.5? I think it was 2.5 today. Hmmm. LOL. overly anxious, you bet!

camping was great this weekend. Chilly, but that is what a camp fire is for. Sure, we have a camping trailor so it is nice to sleep in, but we do spend lots of time outdoors enjoying the nature. Did you realize we have a camping site in the Greater Metropolitian area? Sure do, Babler State Park on the outskirts of Wildwood MO by Chesterfield MO. Beautiful park, great walking paths.. can't beat it. Sure, it might not be far for you, but for me, the city dweller, it is like being in the Country to me. That is a great place to go and actully be close enough to work so I don't have to take a full day of vacation time.

Speaking of vacation time.... I don't get paid leave for when we are placed with a baby from adoption. Nope. Dang it. So I am on the war path for fund raising. Might you have some fund raising ideas you can share with me? I am having a yard sale and am looking for donations of items so post to me here if you know of kids toys or items that might not be of use to you anymore, but you might consider donating our way. I am not a begger, but man this is hard to come up with at least 6 weeks of money to cover my pay at work. I would actually love to stay home 8 weeks if possible. I can take up to 12 weeks off work by FMLA, but it is not paid and my work is not willing to budge on that one. They'd cover me for 8 weeks if I had or would give birth physically, but since I won't give birth when adopting(hello, I can't have my own child physically), I won't get paid. We have funds, but most of them are being dedicated to the cost of the adoption process so I have to find creative ways to raise funds to at least have in the bank as extra to cover my income for those 6-8 weeks I will be at home bonding with our baby hopefully.

Any fundraising ideas would be so helpful.

thanks.

you all better behave

dh and I are busy this weekend with the doogies so you all better behave.

HAPPY ST. PAT'S DAY.

so the main point of my story is....

Trying to address the Frozen embryo issue with DH is like a ticking time bomb. He says I am obsessed with this one frozen embryo we have. He said I need to "Forget" about it. I was livid. I will not NOT NOT forget about our embie in the freezer and WILL NEVER forget about it. NEVER. I agreed that I will not focus on it all the time, but I will not leave the idea of surrogacy alone. Why surrogacy? Well I am going to have to have a hysterectomy because I have been bleeding for 21 straight days now. It is obvious to me that "I" can't do any more fertility treatments and I have to learn how to grieve that loss in my own way, but to tell me I need to FORGET about our embie, no way. He said to at least stop talking about it every other day. I told him I have not talked about it in about 4 weeks due to the bleeding issues. He then agreed I was right. MEN... MEN.. MEN.

LOL

Ok, back to the focus on the adoption front. I am going to the library this next week to loan out some books on adoption and the baby's first year. Any suggestions on the baby's first year books?

btw, look at What dh did in the nursery tonight.. decals on fan and this view

I also scored this on craigslist

the yucky 24 hour bug stinks...

After the home study I fell ill. Man, the 24 hour tummy bug sure sucks. Ugh. I had to cancel on 2 friends and I hate that. Sorry Pam! DH came down with it tonight. MIL came down with it today and said it was the worst she has felt in ages. What gives? Is it something in the water, air, food? Yuck. Glad I have a good hand held game in the loo.

Adoptive Families mag came in this weekend. Yeah. I love this mag. It is very informative and has so many good tips and articles to put my worries at ease. I especially love the ages section they do. I saw DH glance at it too. sweet.

I am getting a John Lennon High chair off of craigslist. Thanks Mel for the link to it. Great deal and she said it was in great shape so I will go pick it up Tuesday night after work. Fun.

Oh, btw, The social worker liked the nursery! Ahhh, it is nice to have something positive to look at. I actually went in there the other night and sat in the rocking chair for about 5 minutes looking around at the crib and newly painted walls and border we put up. I love it. It is a huge step in the right direction for us to have done. Never in the 6.5 years of Infertility would I have even given a nursery a thought, well we did once when pg with the twins in 2003, but that was for a brief few weeks sadly.

Oh, I have heard that BabiesRus is doing an adoption event sometime in APril. I will post details when I get them..Nice. I sure wonder if there were enough people that biotched about the lack of concern for perspective adoptive families or what?! Maybe it was a person that worked in corperate offices that decided they had to approach BBRU for this event. Nice! THanks to whomever it was or however it came about. More on this when I find out details. I will post them here of course.

stay tuned

we so needed this

part 2 of the home study is DONE. Yeah. Our home is nice and spotless, well except for the neverending dog hair. But it was good that we had this in home visit of the home study because we so needed to clean this house. LOL

The visit lasted just over an hour. The dogs loved her and would not stop bugging her. I hope that is not a bad thing. LOL She has a big dog so she seemed ok with them. But we have 3 dogs. LOL

OK, off to get lunch and relax for a few hours.

is anyone up for margaritaville?

I am serious.. I so need a moment out right now.

anyone? ok, if not this Saturday night(only night available for a drink) then maybe in 2 weekends? Girls night out?

Anyone?

take out the plumbing before adoption?

I can't stress to you enough that going through a box of 40 tampons in 3 days time is ridiculous. I started taking yasmin bcp's for prep to the adoptive breastfeeding protocol a week ago this past Thursday. Well, that makes today day # 12 of solid bleeding and it is because of the bcp's. I can't tolerate them. If you have been blessed with very simple menstrual periods(AF), bless you and I envy you. I have a uterus that is deemed EVIL and has proven to not be worth crap as far as being able to carry a pregancy to viability ........ so after stopping the bcp's now, I get to deal with my AF another 2 weeks longer in addition to the 12 days I am already bleeding. Sorry TMI TMI, I know, but it is my daily dealings lately and I just need to vent about this.

So the pending question is... Should I put adoption on hold in order to book the doc to take out my uterus?

My uterus is useless, I can't carry a baby, it causes me to have 14 day long AF's usually and POOR DH is deprived because I have no libido. LOL

BUT again, should I put the adoption on hold or just proceed with it although I will need to take about 4-5 weeks off work paid medical leave to have my PARTIAL hysterectomy? (I will leave in the ovaries because I refuse to go through menopause at 36 years of age. I can tolerate going back into surgery in about 10 years or so if they ovaries need to come out.

I know this is a decision DH and I will need to make together, but I wanted your thoughts on this subject too. Sure, I will always feel robbed of one of the major functions I was born to do, conceive and give birth, but I will deal with that in counseling.

I keep telling myself, I want to be a mommy more than anything now and I just need to let the sad days of IF roll behind me, never to be forgotten oh no, but in order to put the IF behind me I need to take out parts of the plumbing too.

What happens if I am on medical leave and we get a call from the adoption agency (say post 2 weeks from surgery) that they have a newborn for us. What would I do? I know my mom would be able to help as well as DH taking time off work paid, but wow, I just know that would be my luck. LOL Maybe that is a good thing and I should just go forward with the hysterectomy? Hummmmm



let me know what you think.

peek again if you wish....

next step of the NURSERY

And MORE

Today I booked our In Home Home study for a week from tomorrow. FUN. Now I have to REALLY clean house. LOL

My only insecurity of this home study visit in house is having dogs! Can anyone calm my worried that the social worker will NOT mark us down as NOT being eligible for adopting if we have dogs in this house?

Take a peek

from this


to this so far


I will post more later this week of the border and curtains.

These colors coordinagte with the crib pattern we both wanted 3 years ago when we were pregnant with twins. The pattern was discontinued and we had to buy it off ebay, but it is what we both wanted in colors and we can't wait to go pick up the furniture from family friends(this is a crib and dresser my sister is passing down to us that friends have for now).

I know, seems we are jumping fast at decorating a nursery, but believe me, it is a focus we both have right now and after so much heartache over the last few years, we finally have a POSITIVE focus on things.

I got my fingerprints done so I am mailing them off with Dh's prints to the state tomorrow with our 28.00 fees to go with them. I sure hope they go quick. How long does it take when you mail them out?

costs so far: 300-application, 1500-contract, 500-fist part of home study, 90-profile prints, 40-profile software, 7-profile folders, 28-fingerprints to state, 3&4 bucks for fingerprint processing, around 90 for crib/nursery things, 120 for paint/fan/etc nursery, I know there is more, like adoptive families mag(24 bucks?), birth certificates-24 bucks or so, marriage lic-12 bucks. I will make a spreadsheet tomorrow of our costs. I want to track these things. LOL

I have to call for a doc appointment for my physical.

I am so lucky to have so many things to look forward to.

AF (cycle day 5) was very very mean to me so much so that I stayed home today. I could not leave the bathroom for 20 minutes throughout the day. I so stood in the bathroom mirror this AM and cried my eyes out over contemplating setting up a hysterectomy. I hate it. BUT thank goodness I have such other positive things to look forward to. Like our support group meeting coming up. My book club book. Etc..

I won't let AF defeat me!

tooth brush and windex

if only you could have seen DH and I working so hard today TOGETHER in the same room. The future Nursery of our baby. That is where we were today. Cleaned out the junk(now I have to sort that out in the basement rooms) and dusted, removed old border, used a tooth brush to clean the base board trim, used windex to clean the window ledges, and yet still more to do.

Went to lowes tonight to buy the moss green bottom room wall paint and a pale yellow to go above the border(john lennon real love).

I called my mom tonight and asked her what she is doing tomorrow afternoon, she said "Not much, why?" I invited her to come paint with us... She was giddy with giggles. LOL This woman is more excited that DH and I put together. LMAO I love it.

Maybe we can take a few pictures of us painting. I did get a few pictures today of us cleaning out the room and DH ripping off the old border.

We bought a white ceiling fan to put in the nursery. DH found a fan online that was decorated with John Lennon Real Love decals and wanted to buy it, but I talked him into buying the fan from lowes and then I would buy the decals off ebay and put them on there myself. He agreed and actually went to ebay himself and found the decals and bought them too! LOL Gung-ho.

Anti-social Non-Mardi Gras goers here! Just happy nursery preppin' fools instead

skating to our next step

We have skated past our first home study visit. In office social worker sit down interview/gab session for 1.5 hours. It was actually fun. She is so warming, so welcoming and reassuring that we are doing well with our paperchase and she LOVED our profile. She will review our letter once more and if we need to change anything she will call us.

Now to find an infant cpr option. Long story there.

Next on the agenda:

1) book physical and get TB test
2) get employer letter of employment verification
3) get fingerprints done and send to Jeff City.
4) get last letter of reference(4 of 5 collected and turned in now)
5) have a margarita! *yup, I can do that! neener neener neener*
6) I forget. LOL

What a great day. I was so not nervous going into this home study visit. Nice.

Oh, btw, all those people that told us to be prepped for at least 1 inch thick paperwork stack to fill out when the home study starts, YOU ARE SO WRONG. My agency said it is crazy that some agencies have you fill out all of that paperwork. It really replaces what she can do as a social worker and can feel out in an interview in person. So... no stacks of inches of paperwork to fill out. We are virtually done with the paperwork.

In all reality, we could be ready to be shown to potential birthmothers in a matter of 6 weeks from now. (depending how long the fingerprints take to get back approved!)

WOW. that is only weeks away. SWEET.

Oh, the adoption parenting classes start the first Thursday in April.


YEAH!

Thank God For Kids... kenny chesney

I REALLY HOPE I CAN SING THIS TO OUR Forever CHILD in the near future while I cuddle him or her while rocking them in their nursery at our home.


If it weren't for kids have you ever thought
There wouldn't be no Santa Clause
Look what the store just brought
Thank God for Kids

We'd all live in a quiet house
Without Big Bird or a Mickey Mouse
And Kool-aid on the couch
Thank God for Kids

Thank God for kids there's magic for a while
A special kind of sunshine in a smile
Do you ever stop to think? or wonder why?
The dearest thing to Heaven is a child

Daddy how does this thing fly?
A hundred other where's and why's
You really don't know but we try
Thank God for Kids

When you look down in those trustin eyes
That look to you, you realize
Its love that you can't buy
Thank God for Kids

Thank God for there's magic for a while
A special kind of sunshine in a smile
Do you ever stop to think? or wonder why?
The dearest thing to Heaven is a child

When you get down on your knees tonight
To thank the Lord for his guiding light
And pray they turn out right
Thank God for Kids

hail, print shop, kinkos, branson

I so wish I had the energy to post about these things, but the last item in the subject is my concern now.. A RETAIL THERAPY SHOPPING TRIP TO BRANSON. NO MEN! Just girlfriends! Meeting up with cyber friends is going to be a blast. YEAH.

Branson here I come.

Stay tuned to the weekend to hear my "HAIL, PRINT SHOP, KINKOS" updates. LOL I promise I will write about those later and I will have an upate to that list below. LOL

RETAIL THERAPY HERE I COME>

check list revisions

1) finish revisions on birthparent(s) letter

2) finish print shop photo profile of 8-10 pages

3) book our home study

4) CLEAN THE HOUSE(no, really, you don't understand. I know many say to not worry about the home study cleaning of the house, but if you knew me in person and have been to my house, I have that FORBIDDEN room in my house that is off limits .. even to my DH!)

5) order the birth certificates for myself (dh is responsible for his)

6) find out when we need to get finger prints done and where

7) clean

8) Oh, did I mention, CLEAN THE ROOM

9) order a certified copy or two of our marriage license

10) take a deep breath

11) eat some of DH's home made chicken and dumplins

12) clean that room

13) (my fav # btw) get clinic records on our pets stating they are healthy and up to date on shots(wait, is this necessary with domestic adoption? I guess when we get the home study packet we will know for sure).

14) 1 2 3 4 5 reference letters

yank it

my tooth that is !!!!!!!!!

I have to search for an orthdontist to do my root canal. Yuck.

So much for saving for the adoption process.. Even with insurance it is going to cost about 385.00 out of pocket to root canal it and put a post in it for a future cap.

I won't get caught up

The bloggin' world is one that is unique to many ideas, ways, customs etc for journaling your thoughts and anything you wish to talk about(literally)... Well I read a bunch of blogs that contain infertility related happenings, and more so now than anything I read blogs that pertain to adoption. Whether it be international adoption or domestic, they all give me hope on the most part to keep chugging along because we will reach our ultimate goal of becoming parents more so than keeping on with fertility treatments (with a less than 20% chance of ever carrying a viable pregnancy to term with this faulty uterus of mine, I was born with a complete fundal to cervix septum that was removed in 5 surgeries and I still can't carry to viability).

Why am I talking about blogs? Well, recently I have found that many in the blogging community I read have been at odds and it is really sad from my point of view. Sure, you have the right to SAY whatever you want, but repercussions of words can have a lasting profound effect (or is that affect?) on others in your community. The inevitable lost friendships can happen if you rub another blogger the wrong way. Ouch. I tend to refrain from being involved for the most part when these prickly rubbings happen. Thank goodness I can just step away from it all. I like to just come here and just down my thoughts and feelings. I don't like to "RAG" on other bloggers per say, but sometimes the hurtfulness they find in themselves to go out and poke and prod others is just gut wrenching when it happens.

I am a reserve person to an extend and with stepping into the realm of the bloggin' atmosphere, I have learned quickly how to keep saying "I won't get caught up in that fiasco I just read about". Sure, I read about those sticky situations, but I tend to keep my bloggin' mouth shut because I am not one that likes to offend or get offended. I feel for those that were hurt by words said from the mouths or typed words of others that dig into the heart, but I try and remind myself that I have enough stress over other things in my life that I just can't let the bloggin' world upset me like it has to some others.

One word of advice, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER if it so hurtful for you to be involved with such hate and ignorant words flung over the cyber waves. It is so not worth the mindfuck and heartaches.

I am so glad I have a distraction these days...... One step closer each day to our family growing through the wonderful blessing by adoption.


Mood today: panicky to get this Picture profile done this weekend(time is quickly running out)

Music: Greatest hits by The Fixx

Also listening to DH snore!(btw, dh is going in to do a sleep study this week! YEAH VICTORY on my part as I counted that he stopped breathing 4 times in a 45 minute period the other night while he slept on the couch and I was sitting here at the computer! I think he finally got the hint to go do the sleep study after I told him that. I mean I counted to at least 10 seconds each time he stopped breathing. I think that is quite serious!)

check list!

well, things are rolling along, here are a few updates...
(btw, I got my crib bedding in the other night ... so cute and we really like it because we can use it as gender neutral, YEAH!)


1) finish revisions on birthparent(s) letter

2) finish print shop photo profile of 8-10 pages

3) book our home study

4) CLEAN THE HOUSE(no, really, you don't understand. I know many say to not worry about the home study cleaning of the house, but if you knew me in person and have been to my house, I have that FORBIDDEN room in my house that is off limits .. even to my DH!)

5) order the birth certificates for myself (dh is responsible for his)

6) find out when we need to get finger prints done and where

7) clean

8) Oh, did I mention, CLEAN THE ROOM

9) order a certified copy or two of our marriage license

10) take a deep breath

11)eat some of DH's home made chicken and dumplins

12) clean that room

13) (my fav # btw) get clinic records on our pets stating they are healthy and up to date on shots(wait, is this necessary with domestic adoption? I guess when we get the home study packet we will know for sure).

breaking ground this week

ummmm, kicking it in high gear.. this is my check list for the next few days....


1) finish revisions on birthparent(s) letter

2) finish print shop photo profile of 8-10 pages

3) book our home study

4) CLEAN THE HOUSE(no, really, you don't understand. I know many say to not worry about the home study cleaning of the house, but if you knew me in person and have been to my house, I have that FORBIDDEN room in my house that is off limits .. even to my DH!)

5) order the birth certificates for myself (dh is responsible for his)

6) find out when we need to get finger prints done and where

7) clean

8) Oh, did I mention, CLEAN THE ROOM

9) order a certified copy or two of our marriage license.

10) take a deep breath

11) eat some of DH's home made chicken and dumplins

12) clean that room

13) (my fav # btw) get clinic records on our pets stating they are healthy and up to date on shots(wait, is this necessary with domestic adoption? I guess when we get the home study packet we will know for sure).

ahhhhhhhh, I am sure I will find more #'s to add to this list later.


That is it for today.

although I city dwell......

I still love walking out onto the deck on a chilly winter night, while letting the pups outside, and enjoying the smell of a wood burning stove from neighbors houses. When I was growing up, my parents always had a wood burning stove in the house. It was so warm on that floor, 2nd story of a 3 story brick house in the City(historic Shaw Neighborhood). We would get a load of wood from the Muny Parking lot (city gave wood away for free in huge pieces every other week. You come pick it up and chop it for FREE. So my brother would use the axe and chisel and break the wood apart. He even got smart one year and borrowed a gas powered splicer. We had lots of wood that winter to use and boy was it warm.

I am a lover of a nice warm stove. I so wish we had a fire place in our house. WOod burning that is. I know gas fire places are nice, but the smell and warmth of a wood burner can't be beat.

The Pot Belly Stove is a missed item in my life today. In order to get my fix.. I make a nice camp fire when camping!!!!

one letter down

and a profile to go and then it is time to call for setting up our home study and cleaning the back bedroom and 2 basement rooms so we can get the nursery going.

Ahhhh.

Let me tell you, I found it hard in a way to sit down and write a letter about ourselves. Both dh and I worked on this letter. I wrote many paragraphs and I had him help edit and get it ready to print. I will go back over it tomorrow and then on Monday contact the agency to drop it off for her suggestions and edits.

Now to learn how to use Print Shop for building our profile.

I have lots of good online photos to use, but i think I need to go through the photo albums and then go to the local cornerwalgreens and copy a few to use from the older days before a digital camera. LOL... Now that I have a digital camera(as does dh) we don't tend to print ANY Pictures out anymore. NONE. THey are all just online and soon to be moved to a dvdr disk for safe keeping.

off to bed

brain fart or rather bloggersblock

I have written 3/4 of 3 different posts tonight and have saved them all as drafts because they just make no sense to me. Total brain fart on what I wanted to blog about tonight. Go figure. Just when I had thought of a good topic to discuss tonight on the way home from the adoptoinsupport group meeting I have been flashed with bloggerblock. Meaning I can't remember what to blog about. WTF? Is this a new syndrome? Have I been attacked by the big blogger evil writers block?

I do this jabbering in this blog to entertain me, but I also love to help others.. so help me figure out a good way to Unleash this bloggerblock.

LOL

I am making no sense.

Work has me in a whirlwind right now and I am managing to keep my head afloat so maybe that is causing the confusion and bloggersblock? no?

what might it be?

I started the letter

I know I am not PC on adoption lingo so don't knock me.

DH started a version of what he would want to put in the Dear Birthmother(dbm) letter(yes, it should say Dear Birth Parent, No, I am not PC). I then started what I felt should be the opening line / statement of our DBM letter. So how do we compromise? How do we agree on what, or rather who, should get the say so on the text of the letter? I am not a creative writer by any means, I even find it hard to properly word some of my blog posts. I need to drop my guard and trust DH to say it in his words and then I can agree to disagree on some things if necessary, right? Our adoption agency gave a list of suggestions so tomorrow after the support group meeting for adoption I will get DH to sit down and start heavy duty on the letter again. I will then go to Samswholesaleclubforhoosiers in maplewood and buy the software for starting our profile. I am so nervous on what pictures to put in there. BUT, I know once I start on the program and get a page or two done I will be blistering hot to keep truckin' on the next and next pages.. etc.

I can't thank you all enough for posting to me on the previous post about starting a budget. I sat down tonight and told DH what estimated costs were for day care, diapers, formula(I will try adoptive breastfeeding, more on that later), and food... etc. He was pleased that I had done the research. We are fit with our current budget to have at least the diapers, formula, wipes, etc... covered by what we have been putting in the savings now on one of each 2 pay dates in a month. It is nice to know we have this covered already and can show that on a budget sheet for the home study soon to come.

We will be blessed by not having a huge expense for day care. My mom is insisting on watching our baby when I have to go back to work. yes, I do have to go back. We have put so much money out of pocket (by choice) for the last 6.5 years in hopes to have had a baby by pregnancy and now have to pay for that by being a 2 income household. Which means both DH and I working a full time job each. I would love nothing more than to stay at home and maybe I can find a job that might accommodate that after our baby is placed with us, but for now I need my works benefits prior to placement for health, dental and vision. If I could find a night job working from home or more money with less hours then I would be in great shape. Yes, more money and less hours! hahahaha.. I know I am dreaming, but I can dream and sometimes I have the luck of that becoming reality. I would love to do data entry from home on the pc, but I will have to see what I can find. I thought about taking telecourses for medical transcription, but I don't have the extra funds for schooling right now, maybe in a year or two. I will still cherish my time with our child not matter doing my 40 hour a week job. My mom did it with us kids as well as my dad and we were no worse for the wear in everyday life.

I can't wait until we can take our baby camping for the first time. I can't wait to bring a blanket home from the baby to introduce the scent of the baby to the dogs and cat in the house. I can't wait until we can click that baby car seat in the vehicle for the first time with our baby in it! and I can't wait until I have the first spit up the shoulder of my shirt and down my back and even in my hair. I know, call me crazy, but after so many heartbreaking losses of our pregnancies, I care to have these things to cherish.


I am inspired by my DH to keep the positive attitude through this. Thank you hun. You make me remember that life is about love and I tend to not show that enough to you.

putting a budget together... HELP ME

how much does formula cost on average for a week or month?

how much do diapers cost per month?

how much is daycare per month?

how much is ?? (name a few things for me and costs!)

Help me build a budget for being able to account what I will be spending on our first child.


Any suggestions would be great, and no, I am not offended if you say buy it by the RESALE shop means!!


break it down for me. I need honest replies here!

letting go of the infertility wrath, ute will you please?

how to let go? I ask, is it possible and in the same sentence I say WHY THE HELL DO I ASK THAT because I know it is IMPOSSIBLE. MY BODY WON'T LET GO... it keeps reminding me I am infertile.

I often wonder if this is a cruel trick. My body that is, the trick that it plays on me every 25-28 days with PURE TORTURE. I have no tubes(lost to 2 differnt ectopic pgcy's), I have a broken uterus (septum that was taken out and thought to be repaired), I have pcos, I have endometirosis removed 5 times by stages 4 4 3 and 2(now I feel it welling up again). Wait, do me a favor, hold both of your hands up and spread all 10 fingers out..... I can TWICE over count the issues my body has that some how, some way all relate back to being infertile. Or better yet have classified me as repeat aborter. I HATE THAT FUCKING STATMENT, Habitual Aborter my medical classification Ugh.

Today is day 2.5 of my cycle and it is kicking my ASS up and down. I have consumed about 30 tylenol in less than a 2 day time frame. I don't have any good relief drugs to help in the pain. Sure, I could ask for am RX for some, but they will make me loopy or only act like tylenol! The pain I have is a nauseating rumble of a red river flow like you see rushing down the white rapids in the grand canyon. I know, I know... gross, but it is reality and I should own stock in tampontampax brand!!!! Ugh.

Ok, those last 2 paragraphs don't make much sense, but damnitalready, I am so leaning towards taking this damn uterus out before we adopt. I can't stand using over 40 tampons and 1/2 a package of pads each cycle. 14 days of bleeding is just not fun by any means. So a 25-28 day cycle consists of 14 days of spotting/then grand canyon flow/spotting and then maybe 7-9 good days with little endo pain then LOTS OF IT for a day and then AF Is fucking here again. WTF? THis is the total infertility wrath of hell I face each cycle. Infertility I mean by the fact that my body can't produce a viable pregnancy naturally yet it makes me suffer through this wrath of HELL from my AF every month or less.

FUCK THIS.. I want this ute out. My gyn appointment is the 2oth of Feb so I hope he can chat with me about taking out the ute. Leaving the ovaries is perferred if the PCOS does not keep raging and the endo slows, but we will see. I do want to adopt, but if this body of mine keeps doing this I can't put a baby through hell like I have to put my DH through it all each month. Plus I want to mix some nice romance back into our relationship, but with my ute doing this to me, I can't seem to manage but maybe 2 good days of the monthly cycle to enjoy that with DH.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. what to do? I have answered my own question, but I can't stand that at 36 years of age and not having had a child carried to viability, that I would have to take out this ute at such a young age, but it is USELESS for facilitating a fetus, I have proven that 7 times in resutls of 9 angels in heaven.

Ok, now that that rant is out....... off to research some dear birth parent letters to help us compose our own. I love my DH because he loves to write. Heck, he told me tonight that he has already started the first part of a letter. YEAH.. Now I have to go to Samshoosierwholesaleclub and buy the software I need to make the "pretty" profile to so that the agency can review and change anything if needed.

I will try hard to have a better day tomorrow. I will! no matter what, even with AF here.

Subliminal hope

You know when you have hope that something happens the way you want it to, but you just don't want to speak out loud about it? Well it worked.

Today I got up early after a short night of sleep (wound up from the River Otters Hockey Game last night< Thanks Cornbread for the tickets!) and started cleaning the house. My mom was on the way over to help DH and I figure out the finances of our adoption process. We have it figured out and now have the ability to move forward with adoption now instead of 2 years from now when we could have borrowed from 401K. While doing all of this prep to my mom coming over (dog hair clean up duty and dusting) I was subliminally hoping we would possibly find an acceptance letter in the postal mail today from the adoption agency. BUT I dared not say it out loud because I did not want to be upset if the Postman did not deliver it today The reason I felt we might get it today was that they cashed my initial application fee check 2 days ago. So after the cleaning and $$ discussions with my mom, I just laid down to take a much needed nap. DH opened the mail box (alerted mail delivery thanks to the dog that hates the Postal lady) and promptly walked into the bedroom with a package in hand.

Yes, it was from the agency. We have officially been accepted to the agency from the adoption process. YES! WOOHOOO! BOYS AND GIRLS POP THOSE TOPS and CELEBRATE WITH US. This is HUGE. We are going to adopt and the process is starting much sooner than I ever expected. My heart leaps and warms each time I am thinking about this. I love it.

We are set to now fill out the contract and send in the contract money. Then we are set to start the Home Study process too. 1/2 of the cost up front and the other 1/2 due at the time of the "home" visit from the social worker. We were also instructed to start the Dear Birthparent Letter and then put together our Profile. WOW.. that is alot of information to take in, but enough to make me so excited I can't nap yet. hehe

DH is in the living room while I type this in the bedroom. He is reading the contract and reviewing the instructions given for our letters and what things we need to get. Things like birth certificates, marriage certificate, physicals, etc..

So the subliminal hope became reality today. Thank you.

open, but how far open?

that is one question we have been asked about adoption several times now.. how open are we willing to be with the probable birth parents of our future children.

Good question, Yet so private of one at the same time.

DH and I are discussing this off and on. We have a decions, but ever time I read online about someone that has NOT been open I bring this up to dh and ask him about how he feels about it. Every family will have a different opinion on this! I respect that.

My idea of open varies. It could be as open as meeting the birthmom/family in person after the birth maybe once or twice a year in person with pictures and letters for updates. Or as little contact as just a letter and pictures every few months via the agency. This is really up to the discussion between DH, myself, and the birthmom/father/family when the time comes.

I can't predict what will happen. DH is fully ok with open as far as meeting the bm/bf in person before and after the birth. He also agrees with 2 visits a year maybe or more in person after the birth.

I have more on this subject, but I have to go to work,. Ugh.

stay tuned.

adoption*****en

we are turning in our application today.

relief.

excitement

nervousness for what is yet to come

comfort from the agency already

questions arise

questions being answered

first nursery items bought and paid for.

now to clean the house. Ms. Pack Rat here needs CLEAN SWEEP to come help me with my room where the nursery will be. OMG. I am so bad at collecting clutter. Or should I say GOOD at it. LOL DH hates my clutter habits, but I promised I will free cycle much of the clothes and then have the yard sale in a month or so for the other stuff.

I could go on and on, but off to work so we can afford to do this all.

I really feel good that this is happening.

oh, btw, we should be couple #2 in line for adoption once we have our home study done in a month or two or so.