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Thursday, June 30, 2005


that is how I am feeling. I am in a funk and admit I will have to seek help for this soon if it does not pass. I know I have talked about it b4, but I think the need for an anti-depressant is going to be necessary to get me through this loss of the pregnancy and into the summer months and through the fall until we can decide when to cycle again and or move onto adoption.

Gosh, I hate it when I feel I have lost control of the emotional aspect of this all. I know the hormones are raging and that is one reason, but usually I can snap out of the funk of a bad cycle right away. Not this time. I admit it. I hate defeat, but I admit that drug involvement might be necessary to get me through this. DH is a rock, but I think he is realizing he can't fix my FUNK. He can try to say all the right things, but I just snap and go off. I can't give myself this pep talk to get well and it hurts to admit it, but I do.

Therapy is an option, but she is very very expensive and I can't afford that right now so I think a very good option is talking to the doc and asking for the meds to help me deal with the emotional side of things.

Last time I was on an antidepressant I was not able to cry, emotions were totally shut down and I did not like that, but that was 4 years ago and things have changed with meds recently and I hope they can help.

Defeat is recognized and will be rewarded with a new outlook on things when the meds can start working.

How do you deal with depression?

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I can't stand myself.. OMG HELP ME

I am so crabby I can't stand myself.

My tears flow at the drop of any word from DH's mouth. OMG.... I know I am crabby, I can't stand being around myself. My hormones are dropping like a rock and I can't stand it. DH even asked me if I had started AF.. I was kinda put off by that and mad that he was insisting I was CRABBY. Bahahahaha, but I am crabby damnit and BUT you don't have to throw it in my face. He asked me about 4 times tonight "what is wrong, why are you so quiet..??" I finally had to ask him to stop making the assumption that I am BIOTCHY tonight because DAMNIT I know I am.

I actually got in the tub and scrubbed it from top to bottom then I cleaned the bathroom. Now that is a productive BIOTCHYNESS that I can handle because my bathroom Looks DAMN GOOD. LOL last night I cleaned the living room like that too. Sweat is productive. But the milkyway bar was not so productive after I did all that hard work. Bahahaha

Ok, signing off with my biotchy butt doing to bed.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Oh to wish to afford a maid... LOL

Maid? What? I so wish. DH and I are having family over this weekend for a BBQ/Pool party for the 3rd of July... We are tackling a room a night for the rest of the week. Tonight DH cleaned the Kitchen. YEAH.. I hate that job. I cleaned the living room. Cleaning included top of the tv stand.. yikes the dust bunnies were huge... and then the ceiling fan and window sills. I hate it that our house is so dusty. I blame it on 2 things, Dog/cat(3 dogs and 1 cat) hair and then I use baby power each day after my shower. I swear baby power leaves a coating of power all over the house. Yikes.

I admit I hate to clean. I would rather walk 2 miles in the 99 degree heat instead of cleaning house in the AC.

You? Do you like it or did you find a way to afford to hire a maid/cleaning service?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

It wasn't a dream, it was a real spider.

I was in bed this AM and felt a bite of something behind my knee on the skin in the fold of my leg. I brought my knee up to me... scratched and then thought.. Hmmm, I wonder if that was a spider. YIKES.

I immediately got up and looked where my knee would have been and sure enough it was a spider I had trapped in my knee joint and killed just after it had bit me. Hmmmmm

I showed it to DH and he immediately got online and looked it up. I can't tell nor can he tell what kind of spider it is. I don't think it is a brown recluse, although it is small and hard to tell since we don't have a magnifying glass. If it is a baby Recluse.. YIKES.. BUT I read online the symptoms of the bites and I don't have anything out of the norm I have physcially been dealing with this cycle(swelling from AF / PMS is normal).

I will keep an eye on things and make sure I shake out my blankets tonight... Ugh.. I have a feeling that I will have a pretty good chance of dreaming about this and making the emotional part of this worse than it should be. Bahahahahahaha


First call in the AM..... PEST CONTROL to come spray the house.

I sure hope this was not a Brown Recluse!!!

don't it make your tummy turn when you think about spiders?

oh, btw, DH kept the spider and put it in a sealed cup just incase I need to go to the ER tonight with symptoms.. LOL AND he found 3 more of these same spiders down in a rolled up town in the basement when he went to change the laundry. I bet it is just a common household spider, but I would love to know for sure.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

This cycle comes to an end. But it is not the end of the world.

Friday's beta hcg level was down to 5.9. Our Chemical pregnancy is .9 points from officially being over, but they are done doing beta's. I stopped the PIO progesterone injections now and have to wean off of the dexamthasone up to Wed. I expect my AF lining shed will be very heavy. I will go visit the local sundries store tomorrow and stock up on my AF supplies. I will ride this out as it happens and will call my ob/gyn for help if needed as my RE is out of town for this coming week. Ugh.

This is bitter sweet, we tried hard to make this cycle work and yet it did in a way. Something tried to implant, but did just did not have the strength to hang on. I hope that I can try one more fresh cycle and then DH and I are up for saving for adoption domestically for the next 3 years. I resolve to the fact that our chances of a biological child are becoming slim so we have to broaden our thoughts and options for becoming parents. It took a long time in our battle of infertility to realize that "PREGNANCY" is not always necessary to have a child. A child we can love no matter how s/he is born into this world. Sure, we would grieve our loss of a bio child if that is the route our Journey takes us, as I assume many would, but once I can hold a baby in arms and say "s/he is ours" then I will be very proud of our journey to that moment.

I want to be happy right now, but I have to get through the grief and AF is the last part of that to come this week.

Thank goodness for IF therapy group meetings . YEAH. Damn it, I was pregnant for a short time.

Babysat my niece and nephew Friday night and had a great time. I got a wonderful picture of DH reading book to my nephew just b4 bed. It was very sweet and gave me hope that we will be parents and he will be a wonderful daddy.

I wish I had a cable to download that picture to share with you.

Hearts heal in due time
Wounds will be healed over
Minds will prevail

mood: ok
feeling physically: crampy
book I am reading: A gathering of Old Men.
favorite blog:

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Chocolate is the cure all.

What better than Chocolate to sooth the pain? Yup... ZINGERs. Gosh.. yum. Man, I know they are bad... but heck,.... I had to smooth over my aches and pains today and wallowed in chocolate to do it.

HAHAHAHA, laugh with me damnit.

Ok, what is next ? Beta #4 tomorrow and then the wait for the call to help me figure out what is our next step in this doomed cycle. I dread the call, yet I am anxious to get it moving forward and resolved. You know, limbo sucks. You have been there, haven't you?

Ok, I am going to do a "What Am I Thankful for" post tomorrow. Think about it... and come back tomorrow night and post your response as to what you are thankful for.

Oh... I am babysitting tomorrow night and looking forward to the fun time with my niece and nephew. I just hope that this body holds off on starting this miscarriage until after that. Yikes.

I will wish you all a TGIF tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Reality Bites when it comes to Infertility.

Today I went in for our 3rd beta HCG blood draw to see if we had a chance at this pregnancy being viable. Not in our cards today. Today's beta was 11.5, down from 12.8 on Monday. This is a huge hit in the gut. 99% sure it is a chemical. OUCH. I have to stay on my meds/PIO shots/ until Friday and do yet another Beta hcg blood draw. They want to make sure this is a true chemical.

What is a chemical pregnancy? Well, one of the embies from the 3 we transferred tried to implant. It sent out signals to my body that it was implanting thus the + beta #'s. But with them being as low as they were, it is most likely that the poor embie could not fight hard enough to hang onto the lining and is disolving by itself. It could not attach. I chalk that up to the fact that these were frozen embies and when frozen then thawed for transfer, they lose strength and cells. I guess our embies did not have the full strength to dig in and stay.

Now comes the hard part. My body going through a miscarriage is not a fun trip. I have been there too many times to count. 2 ectopics that ended in Laporoscopies and D&C's(7/99 and 10/00 for each ectopic and reason I lost both tubes). 1 miscarriage of an 8 w(week) baby boy fetus due to am implantation most likely on the septum that I had in my uterus, also ended in a D&C (2/00). Miscarriage of twin babies at 8w3d due to subchorionic bleed (one girl for sure of the twins)(10/02), then miscarriage yet again of twin babies at 10w due to another subchorionic bleed.(10/03). Now this chemical miscarriage at 4w (6/05).

Sad history. I hope to not repeat again on any account of it all.

I don't ask for pity party. I just want you to know the desire to have a child is strong for both DH and I. We were put on this earth to meet each other and procreate a child together to raise for them to marry and procreate also. I do believe we will be parents in due time one way or another, but I am close to finished with this roller coaster ride that keeps jerking off track for us. I want a COOL FUN RIDE and I know it will be difficult to find if we become pregnant again from the next and FINAL , IVF treatment we will be seeking sometime this year.

I talked to DH tonight when I got home. We will try one last fresh IVF cycle and that is it. Then we are going to hunker down and save our funds for about 2.5 years to be able to afford adoption domestically. I admit the urge for a newborn is too strong to want to go internationally for a baby that is 8-9 months old or older by time we adopt them.

I will try and figure out how we will grieve this loss. I have an idea of buying a nice tree and planting it in our back yard this fall. Or maybe a brick to add to the Angel of Hope memorial in St. Charles MO at Blanchette Park.

DH said something to me tonight..... This loss makes him question if there is a GOD out there. Why would GOD punish us like this? WOW.... profound statement from him, but it sure makes me think.

Ok, Thank goodness there is a support group meeting this weekend. I was suppose to go to a baby shower for my co-workers daughter(also a co-worker) but I will be missing that to go to the support group instead.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

gosh.. I so hope tomorrow bring good news.

Tomorrow will be 12dp6dt and beta #3. I am praying and praying that this body of mine cooperates and does the right thing by upping the beta #'s accordingly. I hope it is huge... at least double to quadruple. LOL Can't ask for too much now can I?

Today is a good day... crampy... but not bad. Good things happening I hope. No bleeding, and no I won't jinx myself by saying that. I think the 2cc's of PIO and the bullet P4 suppository is helping with that. I have never done 2 cc's of PIO and NEVER did vaginal support b4 for P4. My body is liking this. I just hope the Beta is liking to climb up in counts too. Not just a small climb, but a HUGE climb.

I pray that this is one singleton hanging on in there.

I went to the dentist today and had to tell her I am very early pregnant.... Because I have to avoid x-rays and any excessive gum battery. Soooo, she was very excited for us and told me she needs to talk to my ob/gyn doc to discuss my next cleaning in my 2nd trimester due to my use of heparin. She can't and won't clean my teeth due to the risk of bleeding while on the heparin. gee, hopefully that will take me into my 9th month of pregnancy. LOL
She did give me a new tooth brush and some alcohol free mouth wash to use for now. NO TEETH cleaning for me for now.. just lots of brusing and flossing, which she knows I floss about 10 times a day.

I am tried and better head off to bed.. Plants watered, pool is treated(green today from the heat, ugh) and doggies tired too.

Oh, tomatoes and peppers and cucumbers growing already. YEAH. can't wait to pick my first batch of what is ripe first.

Thanks for haning in there with us.

Can't wait for a HUGE beta # soon so I can finally do that EPT and see a good word printed on the digital read out.

Monday, June 20, 2005

So the BFN turned into a BFP.. well low Positive.. but I am PREGNANT...

I am .... WOW.

I have a + beta and it was so low that the HPT would not have picked it up anyway.

Off to dinner with DH to celebrate.. I will write more later.


Sunday, June 19, 2005

It is over. BFN

my heart knew it too. I got the BFN on the EPT today. I know, go ahead and tell me it could be wrong or giving me a false negative, but I know it is not. Damn it already. I am sad, but the grief has left me tearless. I can't even pop one sad tear out of this dysfunctional body of mine.

We are most likely done with Infertility treatments. I can't afford to do another Fresh IVF cycle. I can't go and borrow money as we are maxed out. Family does not have money to pay for this either and my guilt would stop me from ever even asking them to help out.

I now have to wait for DH to wake up and tell him that "Sorry I can't give you a Nice Father's Day Present as the HPT was NEGATIVE or as it reads "Not Pregnant".

Oh wait, I think he is stirring in the other room to get up and go to the bathroom. Dang it. I am so sad I have to tell him it was negative.

I know my body and I can tell you with 99% certainty that I am not pregnant. I am holding off AF with lots of PIO shots and suppositories so there is no way AF could start on her own and I have never gotten a BFP with not bleeding so I know this is over. Go ahead, tell yourself I am fooling myself, but I know better. I know that when they call me tomorrow afternoon while I am at work with my 2nd beta results.. it will be negative.

Don't give me that false hope.. Sorry, but I have been through 3 miscarriages, multiple NEGATIVE IVF cycles, + cycles that only start with a bleed or two............I know my body too well and this is it. It is over. I will be a good girl tonight and do my last PIO shot then go in at 8:10 am AND do my BETA draw. I will then have to go to work with my "NEGATIVE" self and put my Happy Face on for my co-workers and boss and then I can come home and medicate my sorrow with a HUGE ASS MARGARITA. Chevy's here I come.

My heart breaks that I have to tell DH the results, but he agreed that the HPT will help us deal with the results.

I know one day we will be parents, but I will take some time to grieve this and move on when I am ready.

crawling under my rock for a long time to come.

pardon me if this blog becomes quiet for a while.... take it as my grieving process.

Thanks for keeping up with us here and thanks for keeping the hope up for us. Sometimes we just can't control Mother Nature.

until then

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Oh they are calling my name....

I asked DH to come home and do my PIO shot tonight, but I asked him to do 2 other things first... stop and buy PowerBall tickets.... and then go to Walgreens and buy EPT brand hpt.... He is such a good hubby. LOL

I have my power ball tickets sitting here ready for tonights drawing.

I have a box of 2.. oopss. 3 (buy 2 get 1 free) "pregnant" or "not pregnant" hpt's in the bathroom. OMG...... Do you hear them.... Calling out my name... yup! I hear them. BUT I promised myself I would not HPT until Sunday the 19th and with FMU... FMU... you ask? first morning urine.... because I have to let it build up in my system for at least 4 hours and I can do that while sleeping. No water drinking past midnight for me then hold my urge to go from say 2 am to 6 am and then TEST..... Oh the urge.... Hey, did you hear that again? >>>>>>>>>>>>bec, come test with me now................<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< NOPE... I will not pee on them tonight.

OMG.. there is an HPT commercial on the tv right now.. OMG.

LOL Ok, I had a great day... walked in the Race for the Cure today and then came home and relaxed. Lots of uterine cramps so I hope that is a good sign. Oh please AF stay away and Bring on that BFP... I have such mixed feelings right now... BUT I won't pee on that stick until tomorrow Morning. LOL

My friend told me to call her if I need in the AM no matter what the test result is... Hmmmm 6 am? should I call her? LOL

Ok, off to watch Six feet under and Meet the Faulkers on tivo.

the urge is stronger

Friday, June 17, 2005

Komen Race for the Cure in St. Louis is tomorrow and

I am walking with 48 of my co-workers and friends and family. FUN. I will post pictures tomorrow night.

In Memory of Jane Walcott

In Celebration of Kelly and Kay Walt.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

1st of 2

tomorrow AM is my first beta of 2 I get to do with SIRM St. Louis. I have beta #2 on Monday and that is when I get the results of both beta's. They won't tell us on the first beta draw. So the torture begins.

I will most likely break down and do an hpt on Sunday. Now to decide on what brand to use. LOL

I feel pregnant one moment and then the next NOTHING. ARRGGHHH.

I am nervous. I don't want to think of the what ifs if it does not work. I am so scared.

All our married lives( and b4 that) Jeff and I have wanted to have children. We waited several years to get where we felt comfortable to move forward with trying ... after a time apart from each other due to other issues we had to work out, after deaths in both sides of the family that were devastating, after much love that we grew to know and appreciate again, We have given this our all. I have a great doctor and his staff to back us up, but even I know it is out of their hands. We have put everything out on the line. We have asked for Help from the Higher powers, we have given our love and devotion, our hearts and I am so scared that I can't give my husband a child we so deserve together. I know we are going to be parents one day soon, I just hope and pray that it is through this medical technique that is so amazing that we can achieve our dreams into a reality.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

My Civic duty has been paid....

a whopping $12.00 per day job and only 1 day of Jury summons duty. YEAH.. I went in at 8 am and got out at 2:15 or so.. I was not lucky enough to be selected for a trial pool, but that is ok with me this time around. The hardest part was parking in the Kiel/Savvis Garage and walking to the courts building. LOL I am so needing to walk more.

I can't say it was an honor to serve, but I don't mind it. I know that many people HATE jury duty, but I am always nosey enough to want to get into a trial. Bahahahahaa

Ok, off to nap.. little headache and now feeling some little cramps. I hope that is good.. these babies diggin' in.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I saw him on DHC.... My RE .. I saw him..

last week at our transfer of our 3 babies FET.... Our RE said that he was a busy guy.. My DH then said, yeah you tv celeb..... well the RE then said that he would be on Discovery HEalth Channels Triple the triplets Show this week on Baby Week on DHC..> Well Yup he was. Man, This is scary.. I put back 3 blasts .. OMG... Is this a sign? hmmmm.. Ok, I know I am jumping the gun, but It was pretty cool to see the embryologist and Dr. A on the TV screen in reference to helping a couple achieve their dreams by doing this IVF cycle with them and then the show went on to tell the couples story of labor and delivery of triplets. COOL

mood: crabby... well at least DH thinks so.
feelings: DIzzy and crampy with twinges
music: Ben Folds and The Arch 106.5 fm.

Monday, June 13, 2005

oh yeah... I felt that

each tug and pull of the uterus gives me hope that I am having implantation cramps. hahahaha... Those of you that have gone through IF and have experienced the scrutiny of the 2ww, well you know how exciting those little twinges and tugs and pulls are. LOL

This is my sight from my back yard tonight.

beautiful. Stormy evening, but now it is quiet.

Watching Discovery Health Channel to get my fill of those programs.. You know.. It is baby week on DHC and I do this every time it is on. I watch it.. Thinking it will give me hope to get a BFP soon.

DH is late giving me my PIO shot .. Off to do my heparin shot.

Today is a good day... Dig in babies dig in.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

I feel good (sing to the song) ...I knew that I would...

well, of course I am feeling the GOOD possible symptoms of waiting for implantation to happen....

AF type cramps a little tonight...

Drinking lots of water.....

Brushing my teeth type of gag....

Peeing like every 20 minutes.....


Ok, tivo'd Meet The Faulkers on pay per view tonight so that is going to be my good movie flick of the night..

I watched YaYa sisterhood movie last night and it was good, but did make me have a crying jag or two ... LOL another symptom?

Our TV went out in the living room so dh had to ask my bro and bil to come over and move the tv from downstairs to up here ... after that I offered a beer to bil (bro does not drink) and he called me on the way home and said (bil was not driving) that the beer was a year old by the born on date and we should come over tomorrow and have a celebration / birthday party for the beer tomorrow.. Bahahahahahaa... DH is the one that drinks beer and gosh I can't believe I gave my BIL a year old petrified beer. OMG.. how mortifying is that? What a way to thank him for helping move the tv for us? So in turn , dh offered to help my BIL with his kitchen rewiring as compensation to the bad beer. LOL BIL took him up on it too. too funny.

man, I missed going to yard sales today...

Friday, June 10, 2005

I am the proud momma of 3 blasts

I am now the mamma keeper of 3 blast embies.

my mom had agreed to drive me there and back from transfer since DH was not sure if he could make it or not... Well I called an "emergency" into DH at work and he promptly left work to meet us at the clinic.. but about 10 minutes b4 mom and I were to leave, DH walked in the door at home. My mom said she would just let the 2 of us head to the clinic and do the transfer since she was not really needed, not in a mean way, but she understood. DH and I go there in the office and while sitting there after checking in, a couple walked in to check in also.. They sat down and then the guy looked at DH and said "Hey, you know me, don't you?!" well it turned out to be dh's sis's ex boyfriend from just after high school. He and he wife did a fresh cycle and were there for the transfer. We all talked and exchanged email so I will send them good wishes also. Too funny to know people in the lobby. We wished each other well and good luck then they were called back.

We were told that things were running about 1/2 hour behind.. no problems as my bladder was not too full at that time. YET. LOL
We were called back... I changed into a gown and then as quick as that they asked us to come into the transfer room. The nurses setme up, the doc came in and shook our hands and wished us luck. The doc then started the US guided exam, speculum, wash prep and then the most important moment... he said we have dr. H here with your 3 embies ready to transfer. Dr. H, the embryologist walked into the room and confirmed there were 3 blasts for me... confirmed and then dr. A inserted the Catheter.... pretty amazing to see it actually being advanced on the US screen . He slowly let the embryologist inject the embies into my uterus. Which btw, had a GREAT lining appearence. YEAH..

We of course had discussed (dh and I) how many to transfer, but when they walked in with the catheter full of 3 embies, that was our answer. Dr. A felt comfortable doing 3 and honestly I could not have picked if we had to.

This transfer was was the best. I felt NOTHING... only thing I felt was when Dr. A had to empty part of my full bladder to help get a better view of the uterus. Then he drained it for me after the transfer. That is the only thing I felt. Much better after 4 different transfers from Dr. P in the last 4 years. Relief.

Ok, now I am trying to talk these embies to get 1 of them to implant. I am scared for multiple implantations, but I will let that ride in the higher powers hands now ...

The next 7 days (until 1st beta) will be busy as I have Jury duty Wed. Then I go back for 2nd beta that following Monday and that is when we get the results. Much shorter of a 2ww, but just as much time to worry. LOL

Until tomorrow.. I am back to bedrest. (laptopposting for now from bed) and will sleep all day tomorrow as much as possible.

Thanks for hanging in there with us.

dog tired

I went to bed at 3 am and got up at 6:20 am. What is wrong with that time frame? this is the AM of my Transfer and I am NOT needing to be sleep deprived.. Ok, let the doggies out and then off to bed again.

Oh, I need to find a good nail polish to spiffy up these toes.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

signs signs everywhere there are signs...PART TRES

What a beautiful lightning display tonight in the freaky St. Louis Sky... Welll the sign that I got out of this storm....... At 8:10 pm, the sun made its way out of the western sky... not visible itself, but the beautiful overcast of orange and lightning flashing in the eastern sky... I looked up to the East and there it was... a beautiful Rainbow. DH even saw it.

Rainbows... what a spectacular sight.

Wishing upon that pot of gold at the end to be our pot of gold of a baby.

WOW... Thanks for such a wonderful view tonight.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

my choice.... 10:30 am or 1pm

Well, I got a phone call on my Cell today from M at Dr. Ahlerings office.. WOW... They said I could come in Friday for our FET transfer at 10:30 AM... well, I was so surprised and said "So Early?,Dr. A said it would be in the afternoon." she then said I could come in later if I wanted... I was shocked.. REally? "Well see", I told her, "DH needs to come and the later time would work out perfectly" WOOOHOOOOO

So we go in at 1 pm on Friday to pick up our precious babies.

How cool is that? I sure hope this uterine condo is ready for a resident for the next 8 -9 months.

ok, dinner is almost here, be back later to blog more.

ok back... Get this.. I have our transfer on Friday day... but DH and I got tickets to the Cardinals vs. Yanks game.. Frick. I can't go. Go figure.. DH is going to go still. I will be on bed rest so no worries. Oh well. I am sure I will be able to see one of the greatest teams / managers again one day. Well, maybe not Torre.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

2 or 3, help us decide.....this is a poll for you to help us.

I can blog.. I can ramble.. but today I need to ask you a question..

I have 3 embies frozen... I need your input... If all 3 thaw in the lab on Friday, do I risk putting all 3 back in or do would you suggest to only put 2 back in?

I know, this is a loaded question.. but since I have a history of miscarriage of twins... it scares the shit out of me to even think about putting 3 back, but then the emotions run high knowing I don't want to leave one embie go and not transfer it back. See, we can't refreeze a thawed embie! UGH>

What would you do? Would you risk putting 3 back in if they all thaw? No matter what quality?

If you need more details... post a reply and I can add more to this.

DH and I are up in arms over how many to transfer. Those are our preicous embies.. I don't want to let one go to waste... know what I mean?

I pray that only 2 make the thaw.. Really, but what if all 3 make it? I know, it seems that I have already answered my own question, but I wanted to seek your thoughts.

Thanks in advance and Be honest. I can take the honesty.

Monday, June 06, 2005

I need you to help me test my blog...

can you please post a comment to this post today? I am having problems with Comments being visable to the readers.. I am getting them by email, but they are not posting to the Comment section of each post.. I have tried to update my settings, but still keep having problems.

Just post any simple comment to this .. Or tell me how you like this blog?! LOL

Thanks for helping me try and figure this bloggin' stuff out.


Sunday, June 05, 2005

put your left butt cheek in, take your left butt cheek out

kinda like that song... you put your right butt cheek in, you put your right butt cheek out... you put your left butt cheek in, you put your left butt cheek out....And you shake it all about.....

That would be because I am now on 1 cc of PIO (progesterone injection to prep for our FET transfer on Friday) and that was injected in the left butt cheek tonight by my wonderful shot giving DH. Then the 10,000 units of HCG went into my right butt cheek, again injected with the ut-most precision from my Dear DH. (dh=dear husband when he is being a good guy to me!) Then I stopped the Lupron so THANK GOODNESS I won't have LOOPY lupron headaches anymore.

I am set to go for transfer of our embies on Friday .. most likely in the afternoon..... DH might be able to make it, but I will still have to have my mom drive me there and back. pretty cool to think both might be there in the transfer room. hehe

I have a nice 10mm triple stripe lining today...YEAH... Oh.. have I told you lately that I LOVE my doc? Even DH was in the room today with me while I was having my US and he was impressed with his attitude and communication. What a difference from the previous RE... the US tech did all the US's and Dr. Pearlstone never did them unless they were for my saline sonograms or retrieval and transfers.

Oh... the fun things I did today..... I took my mom to bingo with a co-worker of mine in St. Paul MO(just west of O'Fallon MO) and my mom won 200.00 on pull tabs and then 5 minutes later I won 500... WOOOHOOOOO. Bead buying here I come on Ebay. YEAH. I did spend 100.00 on groceries on my way home tonight. LOL

Ok, for now I am off to read my book. Book club meeting tomorrow night. FUN

Mood: Happy
book: Desperate Housewives eating Bon Bon's.
music: ben folds in the car cd player.. (scored a few good cd's at a yard sale this past Saturday)

Friday, June 03, 2005

23 credits and many more to go....

I am what you call a LIFER for college. I did not go straight out of high school. I regret that TOTALLY. I swear to you I do. BUT... I make the best of it today and take a class or two each Spring and Fall semester at the local community college. I am in a frenzy to find the right 2 year associates degree to apply for...I am in the IT field in my job, but it consists of more admin side of things. I do very little programming and what I have learned has been all hands on. I am looking to sit down with an advisor b4 fall session begins and plotting out my path finally. I have 23 credit hours accumulated and that is nothing to sneeze at for my accomplishments. Heck, that means I have maybe another 40 to go instead of 60 or 65 credits for that 2 year associates. LOL Hey, laugh with me damnit, that was a funny... It means I am a LIFER for college. Get it? I also have to take the placement test for the college too since I got the advisors to write me past several IT classes I took without having to take the comprehensive math and english classes yet. Yikes.. Those classes are needing to be taken soon and I must finally give into my fear of flunking tests and go take the damn thing. (ok, get it now that when you read this blog, I NEVER ever claimed I could spell right!)

Sorry, I am rambling... I have hurdles in my life... 1 is INFERTILITY and the 2nd is TESTING for SChool subjects. Current gpa is 3.67 or something like that and I am proud of that!

So I posted about wanting to become a nurse one day, well I think for now that is a no go since my job, thankfully, pays for job related classes and books up to 80% as long as I get a C or above in each class or 50% if not job related, but business associates degree related. SOOO no, they won't help pay for nursing school. Dang.

Oh.. btw.. if anyone is interested.. CitiMtg is hiring out at 40 and K in O'Fallon...... St. Charles area..(you must apply on-line at their web page). They need reps to man the phones.. it is a temp to hire job... also, they have "IF" benefits if you are hired perm after 90 day... but my catch is ... they won't pay me enough.. ARHGGGHHHHHH. I can't take a cut in pay... Frick. if you need details, post here and I can email you back.

Ok, out to water the garden.. I have blooms on my tomatoes already. YEAH.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

signs signs everywhere there are signs...PART DEUX......

I fed my bad habit and bought a nice shirt off of Ebay for work. Hang in there, this goes with the + signs of + thinking for our FET cycle....

I got my shirt in the mail today. this is the nice note I got from the seller of the item.....

"Thanks you for bidding and purchasing from us. I am very thankful to you and for what Ebay has done for me.

2 years ago, at age 37, I worked for a major insurance company. I had worked there for 17 years, and it was a very secure job, but not one that fulfilled me. So, I decided to leave.

On August 4, 2003, two months after I left my job, I found out I was expecting my first child.

It was the happiest day of my life.

And the scariest. How was I going to support us?

So, to create a nest egg for my new family, I decided to sell off everything on Ebay. I have never looked back. I'm hoping it's God's will that I can continue to earn a living for our baby girl.

There is nothing etter than being am mom. Except for being an "Ebay Mom".

Many Blessings to you,

p.s. if you are not happy with your purchase, please email me right away, and I will do my best to resolve the situation. Thanks again.

Well, many women that go through IF would be offended by this note... Especially talking about a BABY! BUT me, no, I think in a toally different light when I am near or close to doing an infertility cycle.... I tend to try and absorb the positives out of this instead. Like it was meant to be that I bought from someone that had good fortune in creating a family so maybe that good fortune will be sprinkled upon DH and I. Or maybe she was sending along the good luck to us to now become pregnant too. Hmmmmm, Of course DH thinks I am completely nuts.

I dig for signs, but this was not an excavation attempt by me at all, it was a luck of the draw that this lady was able to connect with me and tell me she had good fortune and maybe now that will fall our way too?! bahahahahaha

Ok, my nutso self is going out to dinner with DH. Later.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

All Alone? Just me and my embies? A Taxi Cab Ride?

Well, Dh tells me today that he thinks he won't be able to drive me to and from the FET transfer on the 10th. Well, that means I have a few choices...

First of all, of course I will be sad he can't be there..6/10/05. the moment we are PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and in that 2ww. I understand his co-workers might have seniority over him to take days off and they grabbed that date up frist.. but gosh.. this is an important moment in our lives.. this is our CONCEPTION date!!!!!!!! wow... shaking head sadly. hmmmmm

Ok, options are.... A taxi cab? Oh... that would be a fun Taxi Cab Confessions like on HBO..... LOL Oh... the cab driver asks "Maam, why are you laying down in the back seat while I drive you home?" me: " Well I am PUPO, and need to rest for that moment of implantation, there is no better place than to do that in than in the back seat of your pimped ride". Bahahaha

Second option.... My mom... my friend and I know she would not refuse, but I don't even know if her retired butt will be in town since this is kinda a late notice of her needing to be with me. LOL

Third option? Not sure, why don't you give me your thoughts on what my third option could be?