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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

9th and final angel in heaven

July 1999 = ectopic in left tube from natural conception/Angel #1(tube was most likely blocked from severe endometriosis that doctors were never smart enough to discover although I sure had the symptoms and complained my ass off to them about. )

February 2000 = miscarriage/lost heartbeat of one healthy baby boy angel at 8w1d pg(testing showed a healthy male fetus, but upon hysteroscopy/d&c to remove the demised fetus from our womb it was noted that the fetus most likely passed due to implantation on the uterine septum I was born with. Angel #2

October 2000 = ectopic # 2 in right (good) tube from an IUI/Clomid cycle. It took 2 laporoscopy surgeries in 2 months to save me from septic shock due to molar tissue growth of the pgcy removal in the tube that grew on the bladder, bowls, abdominal walls. I lost the right tube and we took out the bad blocked left tube. Hence TUBELESS. Angel #3

October 7th 2002 = miscarriage of twins at 8w3d due to large subcorionic hematoma. One fetus was a healthy girl, but we will never know the other fetus's gender due to the nurse being a dumbass and not sending the sample to the lab properly. Angels #4 and 5.

October 10 2003 = miscarriage of twins at 10w due to large subchorionic hematome in the uterus again! No genders were able to be determine due to contamination from the urinal I delivered them in. Angels # 6 and 7

July 2005 = Chemical pregnancy from our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Highest beta was a 12.9. Angel # 8

November 27th 2005 at 12:10 am.... = Miscarriage of one heatly 6w1d embryo due to another LARGE bleed. Angle # 9

I am exhausted. I am burnt out. I am crying hard. I am lost. I am sad I lost my chance at ever becoming a mom to a child I would ever carry.

Today's US showed what I already knew. No embryo existed in the uterus anymore. I miscarried it early early hours of Sunday morning at home in the privacy of our own bathroom. I was bleeding very very heavily, as with the subchorionic hematomas. Then suddenly I wiped and there my embryo sat on the tissue, no blood, nothing except a perfect round sac with fliud in it that ruptured out when I held it out to look at it on the tissue. I quietly called DH into the bathroom and told him that was our baby. He hugged me and got me a little container to put it in so I could take it into the office on Monday AM.

The doc agree's with DH and I that even with 1 frozen embie, we might want to consider surrogacy. Well, I can't afford that. I can't do that. It is so fucking expensive. Like more that what I paid for my house back 10 years ago. I joke you not. It is not in reach for that to be possible. So DH and I have decided to put things on hold on that front. We will keep our one embryo frozen until we can think clearly after the new year. The doc did send off the tissue I brought in from my mc on Sunday AM and said he did not see any product of conception in there, but he did send it to the lab to test it. We will wait about 10-15 days for that report to come back in and the nurse will call us back with results. I don't think we can get INCIIDTHEHEART to cover anymore cycles and I would not really think I could even try to do a transfer. My only thought is that if they could help us with one more retrieval, I can freeze all embies and then maybe MAYBE one day I can get a family member of friend to volunteer to be a surrogate.

I am lost.

Our only option is to stop treatments now totally and then stop and save up money for adoption in about 2 years. We won't have funds available to us until after January 2008. Yes, I said 2008. FUCK.

meantime, I am going to engross myself in school and find my ability as an older college student to get my 2 year associates soon.


I miss my angels in heaven.

I LOVE YOU ALL, my sweet babies.

Hey, if you know of anyone that would volunteer to be a surrogate for a loving couple, send them my way. No, I am not kidding.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


I miscarried our baby last night.

so sad.

one day I will be back, hopefully, to become a parent by adoption.

I have to take some time to cry this out grieve. so long for now.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

I wish I did not have to

decorate for Christmas that is. I love the decorations, but I hate putting them up. DH did it all last year because I was working 2 jobs. This year, I am only working the day job. So I am obligated to help out. Yes, bahumbug. I would rather sit and enjoy an already decorated house> Oh well.

One good thing is that we are not hosting Christmas this year so we are not decorating the downstairs family room. One less tree and decor to put up.

Today is nice outside so we should get out and put up the lights outside too, but I am with child so I AM NOT climbing the 16 foot ladder to put the lights up on the porch roof and along side the gutters on the west side of the house. NOPE. DH has to do this. If he does not do them today then he runs into a chance of rain tomorrow. Not one year has gone by in the 11 we have been here that we have not decorated the outside so he must do this. LOL

Ok, now the fun part after the decorating in the house, KEEP THE 11 month old LAB mix PUPPY out of the tree!

With decorating, this means we clean the house too. Double yuck. but it so needs it.

Ok, this is going to be a fun (right?!) Saturday getting into the SPIRIT of Christmas. DH was even playing some music from the '80's in the form of holiday music.

Speaking of holiday music, what is your favorite from growing up? I lived with my parents listening to Johnny Mathis or Willie Nelson and Elvis singing Holiday songs. My favorite is Johnny Mathis and DH bought me his holiday cd last year. hehe.

Off to glitter in the glow of my tree lights. BTW, after we put the lights on the tree last night, yes we did check the lights before we put them on, 1/2 of one strand was out and we could not get it to work. So I had to find some smaller starnds and fill in the voids. LOL I wish I could find a tree to buy that is already lit with color lights. Only trees I find that are already lit are all white lights. Hmmm, if you know of a place I can buy one with color lights already installed on it, let me know.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thank goodness for memories

as I woke up today, I longed for that smell of cooking turkey and stuffing. We are not cooking today as we are splitting our day between dh's family and mine. I don't mind not cooking, but boy do I mss that wonderful smell of cooking turkey in the oven.

When I was growing up, my dad and mom hosted Turkey day at our house. EVERY year for as long as I could remember. We lived in a 3 story house in old historic Shaw Neighborhood. Beautiful nice sized homes in St. Louis City. My family would come from all around on both sides. We usually averaged about 25-30(sometimes more) people in our house for Dinner serving time. Not kidding. My mom has old depression glass(pink) that we would serve dinner on for the adults and us kids would eat off the dixie plates. We had so much food. So much Fun. No matter what the weather was like.

I miss that smell of the turkey cooking and waking up to go to the kitchen to help peel potatoes and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would help out each year. My dad would make the home made Jack Carney Stuffing for the bird (I am still looking for that recipe) and my aunts would come over later in the AM and get the Potatoes, green bean casarole and the veggies all ready for the usual eating time for 3 pm. We would all gather our plates and sit around the dining room table and extra set up folding tables for us kids. My Grandma Loretta would then stand up and say Grace. Her blessings were for us to hold onto through the year to remember to be Thankful for family, friends, our lives, roofs over our heads and the love we all shared.

I miss my dad, we lost him to the evil lung liver and bone cancer back in December 1995. I miss my gram, she died a few years back of heart and other health problems. BLess them and Bless the others in my family that have also since passed. Gram(mom's mom)Hazel, Uncle Larry and Aunt Marie and cousin Deandra who left us way too young in her 20's last year.

I will see many members of my side of the family today and will miss that special turkey stuffing of dad's, but am thankful for the family to still be there. I will also miss gram Loretta's lemon merange(sp?) pie. Since being diabetic, I can't do pie unless sugarfree.

Being Thankful for many things today.

This miracle baby growing inside me
Our puppies,
Our House
Our families on both sides.
our jobs
this blog.

Many many other things that I think of.

May you have time to stop and remember those things to be thankful for.

Blessings to our baby angels in heaven and those angels that were lost to heaven for anyone out there. Especially Amy and Chris's twin girls lost this week at 21 weeks gestation.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 21, 2005

up and down up and down

to pee that is. LOL Like you really need to know this.

One good sing thing are going well is when I go to sleep, last night was 11:30'ish... I get up average of every 2 hours to PEE. Yup, that is a great sign of pgcy.


Sunday, November 20, 2005

so I will go it alone......

to go see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by myself! Yes, myself. My DH does not get into Harry Potter so I asked a few others and struck out. My niece(12) went Friday night with her friends to see it, my nephews(10 bro to niece) is hunting with my brother(his uncle) and then my friend is not into HP, so I understand. SOOO I am going online to buy my tickets and go by myself. hehe.. This is not the first time that I have done this. I have seen 2 of the LOTR movies by myself and 2 of the HP movies by myself too. I love it. I find my own seat and put my purse and coat on the two immediate seats near me and then I spread out. Popcorn, Soda(diet today due to gestational diabetes) and me... All by myself. Not lonesome, but just by myself to enjoy the movie! hehe.

Oh, reading a new book for the book club. The Pleasure of my Company by Steve Martin. Pretty good so far. I will review it when I get done hopefully next weekend.

Tick tock tick tock... goes the clock until Tuesday morning. 1st appointment is with the nurse educator at 9 am and then our US is at 10:40 am. DH will meet me there as he has to work. I took the whole day off. I think I will then move my acupuncture appointment from Wed evening to Tuesday evening. I hope we have good news on Tuesday from the US.

Happy Sunday.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I am here... so far so good...

When a woman goes through infertility and has had repeated miscarriages, one becomes quiet in the early weeks of pregnancy until you can reach past , well hell, I really don't know when to become more vocal about it all.

I made it to 10 weeks of pregnancy with my twins back in 2003. I had told many people we were pregnant and had to suffer through the miscarriage and the re-telling people that we had lost our precious twins at such an early gestation.... SOOOOOO you can possibly understand why I am being so quiet these days. Today is 5 weeks and 1 day into this pregnancy. Or at least I think that is how far along I am by the IVF calendar! I have had a little bit of brown spotting two different times this past week. I came home and immediately went to bed and asked DH to make dinner and bring it to me so I could stay laying down as long as possible.

Today is a good day. I feel good. tad bits of nausea throughout the day, hungry, tired, sore (.)(.)'s. and sore rump from the PIO shots. BUT other than that.... I feel really good. Actually I welcome all those symptoms I just listed. I am not complaining because when you go through IF, you are more than willing to put up with many things that pregnancy can induce upon your body and emotions. Oh speaking of emotions... I swear I have to keep a tissue handy because I can cry at the drop of a hat. I mean driving in the car, commercials on the radio can and DO spark a few tears and not always for any certain reason. It is like the pregnancy hormone has turned on the tear ducts to a flow of 95% open. LOL

So counting down..... 4 full nights of winks before we go to our first US. I am scared. I am excited. I am emotional. And I welcome them all!

oh.... one other good side effect that helps me feel reassured that I am indeed pregnant, BURPING out of control. LOL I have lost all control.

Also, on tuesday I meet the nurse educator for diabetes control. She will show me how to count my glucose levels to help administer the correct amount of insulin for my type II now deemed Gestational Diabetes. When you are a type II diabetic before pregnancy and then get pregnant, you are automatically classified for medical purposes as a Gestational Diabetic. I have been monitoring my glucose levels 4 times a day and can't get them under control even with my diet given to me from the Diatition at St. Lukes this past Tuesday. The diatition did agree that one of the medications I am on from this IVF cycle is causing some problems. ..... Dexamthasone.. It is screwing with my glucose levels, but still the pregnancy hormones are doing the most part of screwing up my glucose levels. ..... SOOOOO I am insulin bound. It is enough to scare the shit out of me when I was told this personally from the Perinatologist. She said it is important for me to get this under control for the baby's growth and health. That I will do!

Blessings to all as we head into the Holiday Season.

Gobble Gobble.

stay tuned......

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Sleep... oh devine sleep but bad glucose

a nap here and there makes the world go round.

My body is so newly pregnant that I never imagined that it would require so much sleep yet, but it is. I took a good nap this afternoon and feel like a million bucks now. Well, except for the burping. LOL

I am sitting here smelling DH cooking chicken for dinner and it smells yummy. Fill up this tummy and I will be even happier.

Now comes the fun part of all of this. I am type II diabetic. controlled by diet along, no medications needed so far. I am now on close glucose monitoring this weekend and must fax over my glucose sheet to the PERI's office ASAP on Monday. Yes, that is right, I called the Perinatologists office on Friday to book a 10 week appointment with the nurse and 20 minutes later the DOC herself called me back. #1 concern was getting me off Heparin ASAP. So I have to call the RE and discuss this with him. (I will talk about the need for heparin later) #2 concern was my glucose levels. So I am on LITTLE to NO SODA now. and I am going to make a huge pitcher of TEA and drink it was one packet of splenda per tall glass at the PERI's approval.

I took my glucose 4 times yesterday. First was when I got to work on a fasting overnight. It was 158 YIKES> I ate a huge dinner with french fries the night b4 and did that make a difference LOL. Second was an hour after Eggs and ham for breakfast. My # was 105. GOOD! then one hour after Lunch = 153. YIKES again. I ate a can of campbell's chicken noodle soup due to upset tummy and it caused me to have high sugar levels. So no more of that soup. Then after dinner I got a reading of 151. Well that was after eating Chinese rice and egg rolls. So we know I can't afford to eat Chinese anymore. Bahahahahaha

So my #'s they want to see? fasting AM should be between 85-100, 1 hour after a meal no higher than 140(ugh). These will be hard to do, but I can do it. I CAN FOR A GOOD REASON... To keep this baby growing in me. No better reason, right?

So now I need to become a better 3 meal a day eater. I tend to only do 2 meals on the weekends and that is going to kill my sugar levels.

So, now I have to go make a big pitcher of tea. See you all later.

down and out of SODA. LOL

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I hope it's a keeper!!!!!!

2 - HPT's = 2 + beta's... OH YEAH.... low starter beta's.. but they are ++++++

Tuesday was 8dp3dt and my beta was 9.9 today I am 10dp3dt and my beta is 25.8 (no more beta's scheduled.)


US on the 22nd.

Please let this be a keeper
tubeless in st. louis(aka .. stlgirl4ivf)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

hpt's are bought..... but I am too chicken

I swear one moment this body tells me that I am SO NOT pregnant and then I feel something a few minutes later and it gives hope. I sure hope stays true.

I have the evil pee sticks sitting in my w*lgreens bag here on my table. I am too chicken to do one tonight plus I hate to try and test early. Today is only 8 days post transfer so that is still early. If I am too chicken in the AM on Wednesday, I will then only test Thursday AM before my 2nd and all telling beta. I hate the wait.

I am anxious to have answers.

No matter what happens.. I am going to tell DH that we are going to pursue the paperwork from several adoption agencies in the next 3 months to get them to review and figure out who we will send an application in for. I will adopt no matter what happens.

Oh, BTW, I still don't know if we have any frozen embies. No letter in the mail today. ARRGGHHH. At my first beta draw today, I asked the nurse this AM to see if she could give me a freezing report or lack of and she said the lab only handles that and she has nothing in my files to tell me if we did get to freeze any embie or not. BULLSHIT.. I can't stand it. I know they know and what the hell is so hard about them tell us by MOUTH and not SNAIL FREAKIN' MAIL. My gosh.. I run the risk of the USPS loosing my report. I swear they better send it tomorrow or Thursday. Great... If it comes Thursday and I get a negative beta and I also am told we have none to freeze, I am going to go POSTAL on the Docs office.

Bloody nose... Thanks to Heparin for this IVF cycle. Hey,I don't mind if it means possible implantation.

Good things today... I got my new cell phone. YEAH. The other had a broken antenna and would not get good reception and had funky ring tones on it. I downloaded a song from Cingulars web rings and it was totally not what I had ordered. I might call them up and ask for a credit. I am happy about the new phone though. Ok, time to go download a good song for the new ring tone. LOL wish me luck.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

oh yeah.... I miss him already

DH is on his plane heading to Denver CO. He is going to a conference / seminar until Thursday afternoon. I am left on my own with 3 vicious doggies and an attack kitty to guard me. I do mean that. My Pit Bull is on edge lately and I have to keep an eye on my front door when the mailman arrives or else she will tear him a new one. LOL

Ok... I do my own heparin shots in the belly and that is fine. Let me tell you the belly is a pretty array of colors .. kinda like a dark blue/black bouquet of flower colors in bursts across my abdomen. I should take a picture. BUT I will spare you.

NOW tonight was the first PIO shot by myself.. I got it ready.. iced my hip right up... and went to the bathroom and looking into the mirror to give myself the shot..( I swear to you icing makes a difference). BUT BUT BUT... I did the hesitation thing like 5 times before I was able to plunge the needle in my hip. LOL I finally did it and then I could not get my hand positioned around the syringe to push the plunger. Now mind you I am a Plump girl... I have a hard time reaching around to the back side of my hip with both hands. I had to sit there for a split second with no hands on the syringe and I saw it hanging there in the skin. YIKES. BUT I quickly looked in the mirror and grabbed it rigth that sides hand and started pushing the plunger in. I was so numb from the ice that I felt no pain... Done. I pulled it out and was pleased, but man I had a bleeder. Quickly I had my pad of tissue and immediately pressed on the site to make it stop bleeding and rubbed to make sure the oil disapated into the muscle. Now about 40 minutes later I can feel the site and am sitting with a heating pad on. LOL Life is funny, the things we IF women go through.

Ok, so tonight is 4 winks away from the big beta date. I am nervous. I thought I felt some twinges or aches today in the ute area so I took at as a good sign. I am acutally glad to go back to work tomorrow so I can keep my brain busy and not focus every second of every hour on this issue of "Did it work or did it not?".

I sit here listening to my vicious youngest puppy of 11 months old snoring up a storm. LOL She is so big now and matches the size of my nearly 3 year old yellow lab mix.

Puppies.... gotta love them.

Thankful for my blessings in my life. I love my husband!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

totally out of my hands

I know, I can't do anything to make this cycle go any better. It is by far the best one yet (unless I don't have any embies to freeze, we will find out soon), but I told myself today that it is all totally out of my hands now. I am doing my shots of PIO and suppositories as directed. Shots of Heparin, which btw leave a nice pretty blue, black, yellow, blue pattern on my belly, my vitamins are taken, etc... I am given it my all. I have to pat myself on the back and DH's back too for having done the best possible job. Now the insanity of waiting continues.

You know in life when we want something so bad, but the view of the thing we want keeps moving further and further (is that the right way to say it?)away as we try and reach out and grasp the thing we so desire, that is how I feel. I sure hope I am able to grasp this BFP of the cycle on Thursday when I find out the results of this cycle. I want to take that + HPT and have it ready for DH when he walks in the door THursday night from his business trip. I am reaching hard for that HPT Thursday morning when I wake up and I hope to god it is that "something" I am so reaching for that is a positive result.

I hope, I wish, I pray, I toss and turn in bed until Thursday AM.

Ok, back to pogo and play some games to keep my mind busy.

Oh, I did some retial therapy shopping today. I finally bought a new pair of tennis shoes. I swear they are so over priced. New Balance is the brand. I went from Nike to New Balance to Nike and now back to New Balance. I hat that they are so expensive, but I do say they are pretty. Now to keep them white! Hahahahaha

Friday, November 04, 2005

yesterday.... up.... today ... down..... tonight.... better but not there yet

I was on my way to work today when I started a crying jag.... dang radio host was talking about caring listeners that adopt soldiers across seas.

Then I got to work and I was alone.. no co-worker to do her job so I had to do it. FUN not... just busy. Then I felt as though I had lost all hope in this cycle. Don't know what hit me, but man it was hard to hold back the tears at my desk.

Then around 3 pm I felt really bloated in the belly.. bloating for some reason made me feel better.. meaning my ovaries are obviously still swollen and that means my body is still in action to get these babies to implant.

Tonight is even better.. being online is therapy I swear to you.

Tomorrow? Well mom and I are going to a local craft fair to give her ideas of what she can put in her craft sale in a few weeks. She is good.. she sews and makes lots of stuff and has that fancy embroidery machine to use .. Fun. I hope to help her. Or maybe not if I am on bedrest from being pregnant. LOL

Thursday, November 03, 2005

oh the wait...

all I have to say is ....





tick tock

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

f*cking lawyers for Traffic tickets.

A failure to appear in court notice arrived in my home mail today. Well. I paid a Lawyers firm that specializes in traffic tickets to take care of this for me and what luck do I have? They failed to appear in court for me. ASSHOLES!

So now I have been given the warning from the City Of Rock Hill MO that if I don't appear in court on the 12th of December or pay the fines by 30 days from 10/24/05 (hello, those dates don't make sense!) then I will have a suspended drivers license and a warrant out for my arrest. Bahahahaha

Well, I will sure call that lawyers office tomorrow and CHEW THEM A NEW ASSHOLE. I can't take the point on my license. I can't take the raise in my car insurance premiums or else I would just pay the stupid fine. UGH. '

BTW, that Cop that pulled me over was a total DICK