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Monday, November 26, 2007

Sobbing while reading a book? Yes, call me a soft heart

I have been reading this book "Secret thoughts of an adoptive mother" and let me tell you that I had to stop reading it at lunch today. My eyes welled up with tears so much so that I could not read and I am the lucky one that my face turns red when I cry. So I had to stop reading and focus on something else until lunch was over. Mind you, I eat at my desk and have visitors all the time (open room desk). I did not want them to see me all red faced and crying over a book! Ha

What made me cry was reading about the Author's (Jana Wolff) account of traveling ahead of the due date of her hopefully future child to be in the town of the birthmother for the delivery. Plus the minute by minute trail of anticipation, hope, worries and fears while the birthmother was being induced and then in the moments of delivery.

She called it "Excitement or Doom". The adoptive couple was invited into the delivery room (as I was for Julia's birth) and she accounted the moments of how she felt and how she thought the birthmother was feeling (emotionally and physically) and then it went into the moments of describing the setting of the delivery room up to the moments before when her-to-be "Son" was born. She was not attached to him yet and feared she might not ever, plus she was ordered out of the room by the doctor right before delivery because the baby needed to be delivered by forceps. She left the room and feared that SHE herself might have a last moment freak decision to decide to make a run for it as this was a life altering event happening and wondered if she really wanted her lifestyle to change so rapidly with the delivery and placement of this baby she did not know. Or would the birthmother want to keep the baby because of all she went through to delivery him.

Well, in the end of that chapter, she was invited back into the room and was handed the baby. She felt as though she did not love him yet, but she also knew she could not walk away from this beautiful baby either. He was becoming part of her life.

I can tell you without a doubt that I had many of the same fears when Julia was being born. I saw her head pop out and I instantly started crying. I was not holding her birthmother hand because the nurse was on one side and her mother was on the other, but I stood back and took pictures (ok with the birhtmother to do so) and saw a miracle being born. I was so scared yet so overwhelmed with shock of seeing something I could not do, give birth to a miracle baby. Julia's birthmother was crying, I was crying and DH was outside in the hallway crying. I never knew so many emotions could rush over me at once. Sadness for Julia's birhtmother and birthgrandmother, Joy of knowing we just might have this miracle placed in our arms soon. Oh gosh, I am starting to well up with tears just thinking about that special moment. I can't ever imagine what Julia's birthmother was going through, but I did ask her later and she tried to describe it as best she could. I will always cherish knowing how she felt and her sharing that with me. I gave her a hug before they had the baby ready to hand to her. I told her Thank You and God Bless you. She just gave birth to a miracle and no matter who raised her she would always be special in my heart for having involved us in something we could never physically achieve. Birth of a child is a miracle.

ok, more later. I must go wipe my eyes.

See, adoption can be such a roller coaster ride also of emotions; although different from what we went through with infertility, we would ultimately achieve our dreams and goals of becoming parents by the blessing of another human(ie: Julia's birthmother).

Never give up hope.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

any suggestions on where to shop for Christmas Stockings?

looking for Nice (no plain red/white) stockings, maybe something with embroidered names on them for DH, Julia and I. Might you know of somewhere I can check? I'll check with my mom to see if maybe she can help me make some. If not, I'd like to keep shopping online for some to buy.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

angels in heaven I'll always remember you

2 years ago tonight I sadly miscarried my last pregnancy I would every carry at 6 weeks along. We had done a fresh In-vitro Fertilization (IVF) cycle and transferred 3 ok 3 day blastocysts to my uterus. I had become pregnant on this, my 5th, fresh IVF transer cycle. We had an ultrasound just days before to confirm there was one sac and fetal pole for this pregnancy. I was set to go in on November 28th 2005 to confirm the heartbeat, but sadly while at dinner at TGI Fridays that Saturday night I began to bleed very badly. I knew what my body was doing. I could feel the contractions within 4 hours of the bleeding having started and I delivered the sac in tact at home. I did not bother to go to the ER as I had suffered several other miscarriages before this and knew that once the sac was expelled I would be ok in about 2 hours. I took a dose of narcotics I had at home to relieve the pain I was physically in and just had DH hug me. Hold me in his arms and cry with me.

We both said that this was not meant to be and that we were done with the heartaches and miscarriages forever (This was our 5th uterine miscarriage).

I was so sad, robbed of the very thing a woman of child baring age is usually blessed with, a normal pregnancy. I was ripped up emotionally for a few days and I told myself that my body was a failure, but I would not let that keep me down long. I grieved this loss, but luckily I was able to attend the IF support group meeting and cry it out. Then the next week I attended my first of many adoption support group meetings to set our minds on the future of becoming parents through adoption. I also booked a date for my hysterectomy a few months later. One of the best decisions I ever made.

I pray for all the angels up in heaven that never made it to be Earthly angels. We mommies love you all very much and were blessed to have been pregnant with you for as long as we could keep you in there.

I Don't ever let a day go by without lifting my eyes to heaven and talking a few words to my 9 angels in heaven.

Friday, November 23, 2007

a wee pea in the pod she is

My little sweet pea is growing big so fast.

Today's 8 week check up (8w1d) was great. We went in around 9 am and were 1 of 3 others in the waiting room. Ahh, not a bad wait. We went to the exam room and the nurse measured her and weighed her. She is growing up so fast.

10 lbs 7 oz
23 inches long

Julia got her first round of 4 shots. Also one oral vaccination for diarrhea. Oh joy. She screamed for about 1 minute and then let me finish her bottle with her before she got dressed. She is cranky tonight. We did dose her with some tylenol per the docs instructions. I will watch her over the next few hours for temperature changes and will use the tylenol if needed. I think her legs are sore from the shots as she screamed if I accidentally touched them tonight. Otherwise she has been just a tad fussy, but nothing overbearing. OUCH though.. Man, I know after all my years of infertility shots of hormones I still hate needles.

The doc asked me how she is interacting with us and I told him she is already fully mimicking our coos and facial expressions. She will pucker her lips and say "oooooo" and scrunches up her eyebrows like me when doing that. She is lifting her arms and swinging at her jungle gym toys. She will stand with our help on our laps and do the jump up and down routine. She loves to talk back to us while laying on her changing table pad. The doc then said that she is advanced for her age with doing these skills. He said that is good to see her being so active. He said he would bet she stays on this curve of learning and to keep up with talking to her and reading to her and exercising her legs like that. FUN.

I picked up a Parents as Teachers pamphlet. I will be calling on Monday to see if we can set up a visit with them after the first of the year. I want to learn as much as possible to help with teaching Julia in every aspect of her life. Motor skills, communication skills, language, etc... We are so lucky to have this option as parents. I want Julia to have ever opportunity to be enriched with ever possible avenue of learning.

Todays reading list consists of a new book I bought off of Amazon. Thanks to our adoption support group leader, Danielle, I got this book to read last week and started it tonight. Quick read so far. I am 52 pages in and think I will most likely finish it tonight. It is an account of an adoptive mothers thoughts on open adoption. I'll review it for you later this week when I get a chance to sit down and go over it all.

OMG OMG OMG. The Naked Ovary is back.


The Naked Ovary
is back to blogging... (warning to those that are IF and still trying, Baby by adoption mentioned and PREGNANCY mentioned in her blog post).

WOOOHOOOOO. Congrats to The Naked Ovary and her family. She stopped blogging a while back and I missed her posts so much, but she has come back to update us with some THRILLING baby news. WOOOOOHOOOOO
She went through Infertility and then adopted a daughter from China and now this.....

ahhh, this made my day.(or night, if you will)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Some comments I have received from co-workers and friends lately have me smiling from ear to ear.

"What a doll! You all make a beautiful family. Thanks for sharing!"

"Your daughter is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!! She is a blessing....." and yes, that came from a co-worker that was adopted when she was little.

"Just adorable!!! "

Yes, she is adorable if I do say so myself. And I will say she is the blessing we have been waiting for for over 9 years of our journey through infertility, miscarriages and a few failed match adoptions. I reflect back to the days when I was so down and out from the losses we kept having and wondering when it would be time to celebrate a child in our lives. Well, we are at that time in our lives and let me tell you the wait was hard, but SHE makes it all worth it.

I will always be thankful for the support we got through the years, work understanding why I needed so many surgeries (ivf, d&c's etc) and my co-workers, family and friends telling us to hang in there. We did it. She makes us complete, well, except for my desire to have another baby in a few years time. A sister or brother for Julia! Yes, I said that to the hubby the week we brought her home. Call me crazy, but I have always wanted a family of 2 or 3 kiddo's and now we know this is possible through the blessing of adoption. (We have not given up on the idea of surrogacy either if we can find a surrogate.)

Julia has been and continues to be a very happy baby. She is spitting up some from the formula changes, but I think that will be ok in due time. I'll chat with the doc next Friday about that. I will also ask about adding in some rice cereal in the night bottle to see if that helps fill up her belly. She is sleeping some nights from 10:30/11 pm - 4:30 or so. not bad, but if we can get her to stay asleep a little longer I bet we would all be in great shape from good sleeps. LOL Heck, she slept from 9:30 - 6 am last Sunday night. Dh had baby duty that night so he got some sleep. If it would have been me on that shift duty that night I bet I would have went in to check on her several times. I just could not believe she slept that long. We have found that the nights we give her a bath, she sleeps so much better, thus last Sunday nights good sleep.

Being back to work this week has been an adjustment, but much better than I ever expected. Sure, I do miss Julia, but I get my 20 minutes before we have to leave the house to cuddle with her and chat with her and enjoy her sweet toothless smiles. I anticipated my heart breaking having to leave her with a sitter, but honestly I feel good about her care because I know she has constant interaction when she is awake and also has some interaction with the other kiddo's at the sitters house. The sitter said she is a very good baby and I really enjoyed hearing that from her. Oh, my m-i-l watched her Wednesday this past week and also said she is a dream baby and is so good. Ahhhh, I love it. I know that can change in her life on different days of being fussy, but overall she is a smiling happy baby most times. She loves to be interacted with by either us or her play gym or mobiles in her crib. She LOVES ceiling fans. I've noticed she is focusing on things further and further away each day.

We have been waiting to hear back from her birthmother for a few weeks now, but all is well. Now we just wait to set up a call to set up a time we can all meet up again in person. Julia's birth-siblilngs said they want to see her too. She has two older siblings so it will be fun to see them all together soon. I say my prayers that Julia's birthmother and siblings are all ok and I ask in those prayers for them to know we all love them so much and are so thankful for them and we can't wait to share who they are with Julia.

Ok, back to writing our first letter to the birthmother and gathering up the pictures we want to send also. This letter writing and picture sending will occur at least once a month for the first 3 months and then every other month for a while. This is one thing we did not put in ink with the birthmother, instead we chatted about sending these items when we have time. So I suggested the above schedule to the birthmother and she said that would be great. Heck, I think we will see each other in person b4 I send the 2nd set to our agency to forward to the birthmother.

I can't wait until next weeks ped appointment to see how big Ms. Julia is.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

The stats tell the truth, she is growing by leaps and bounds

Julia's 1 month 4 day stats (From Tuesday this week) were:

9 lbs
22 inches long

Girl, you are so growing up big and tall. From the 6lb13oz 20 1/2 inches long, you are growing by leaps and bounds. The doctor said you are right on target and to keep up the 4 oz bottles each feeding.

Constipation is making her wait. Really, she is constipated so I talked to the doc about this. He said he did not want to take her off the enfamil lipil with iron (iron can cause the poor unsuspecting baby to be backed up), but instead to add in 1 teaspoon of kayro (dark over light) in 1 bottle of formula a day to see if that works and if it does not help in 2 days or so to up it to 1 teaspoons each in 2 different bottles a day. If that does not help after a week then we need to call the doc back and mention it is not working. He then said suppositories are next. This all came about after Poor Julia had to have Daddy's help in pulling out a hard as rock poopie coming out of her bottom last week. OUCH.

To end the appointment, the nice nurse (or Julia might disagree that she was not the nice nurse) came in and gave Julia her hepatitis b 2 shot in the upper thigh. At the moment of prep, Julia had no clue she was getting ready to be jabbed with a sharp needle and injected with this vaccination. As the needle went it, I held her binkie in her mouth, but that did not even sooth her one bit. She weeped with a loud screech which lasted about 20 seconds. She then lipped and sucked the binkie in and was quiet. She got a cute little round Bugs bunny bandage and was told she could get dressed and was done with the docs office for that day.

Oh, I did ask the doc if I could give Julia some Tylenol before her next appointment the day after Thanksgiving due to her being scheduled for her next round of shots (2 month shots) and he said that was find. He said I should expect her to be cranky and tired that day so the tylenol will help.

btw, I can't stop kissing these little toes