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Monday, January 30, 2006

letting go of the infertility wrath, ute will you please?

how to let go? I ask, is it possible and in the same sentence I say WHY THE HELL DO I ASK THAT because I know it is IMPOSSIBLE. MY BODY WON'T LET GO... it keeps reminding me I am infertile.

I often wonder if this is a cruel trick. My body that is, the trick that it plays on me every 25-28 days with PURE TORTURE. I have no tubes(lost to 2 differnt ectopic pgcy's), I have a broken uterus (septum that was taken out and thought to be repaired), I have pcos, I have endometirosis removed 5 times by stages 4 4 3 and 2(now I feel it welling up again). Wait, do me a favor, hold both of your hands up and spread all 10 fingers out..... I can TWICE over count the issues my body has that some how, some way all relate back to being infertile. Or better yet have classified me as repeat aborter. I HATE THAT FUCKING STATMENT, Habitual Aborter my medical classification Ugh.

Today is day 2.5 of my cycle and it is kicking my ASS up and down. I have consumed about 30 tylenol in less than a 2 day time frame. I don't have any good relief drugs to help in the pain. Sure, I could ask for am RX for some, but they will make me loopy or only act like tylenol! The pain I have is a nauseating rumble of a red river flow like you see rushing down the white rapids in the grand canyon. I know, I know... gross, but it is reality and I should own stock in tampontampax brand!!!! Ugh.

Ok, those last 2 paragraphs don't make much sense, but damnitalready, I am so leaning towards taking this damn uterus out before we adopt. I can't stand using over 40 tampons and 1/2 a package of pads each cycle. 14 days of bleeding is just not fun by any means. So a 25-28 day cycle consists of 14 days of spotting/then grand canyon flow/spotting and then maybe 7-9 good days with little endo pain then LOTS OF IT for a day and then AF Is fucking here again. WTF? THis is the total infertility wrath of hell I face each cycle. Infertility I mean by the fact that my body can't produce a viable pregnancy naturally yet it makes me suffer through this wrath of HELL from my AF every month or less.

FUCK THIS.. I want this ute out. My gyn appointment is the 2oth of Feb so I hope he can chat with me about taking out the ute. Leaving the ovaries is perferred if the PCOS does not keep raging and the endo slows, but we will see. I do want to adopt, but if this body of mine keeps doing this I can't put a baby through hell like I have to put my DH through it all each month. Plus I want to mix some nice romance back into our relationship, but with my ute doing this to me, I can't seem to manage but maybe 2 good days of the monthly cycle to enjoy that with DH.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. what to do? I have answered my own question, but I can't stand that at 36 years of age and not having had a child carried to viability, that I would have to take out this ute at such a young age, but it is USELESS for facilitating a fetus, I have proven that 7 times in resutls of 9 angels in heaven.

Ok, now that that rant is out....... off to research some dear birth parent letters to help us compose our own. I love my DH because he loves to write. Heck, he told me tonight that he has already started the first part of a letter. YEAH.. Now I have to go to Samshoosierwholesaleclub and buy the software I need to make the "pretty" profile to so that the agency can review and change anything if needed.

I will try hard to have a better day tomorrow. I will! no matter what, even with AF here.

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