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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

putting a budget together... HELP ME

how much does formula cost on average for a week or month?

how much do diapers cost per month?

how much is daycare per month?

how much is ?? (name a few things for me and costs!)

Help me build a budget for being able to account what I will be spending on our first child.

Any suggestions would be great, and no, I am not offended if you say buy it by the RESALE shop means!!

break it down for me. I need honest replies here!

Monday, January 30, 2006

letting go of the infertility wrath, ute will you please?

how to let go? I ask, is it possible and in the same sentence I say WHY THE HELL DO I ASK THAT because I know it is IMPOSSIBLE. MY BODY WON'T LET GO... it keeps reminding me I am infertile.

I often wonder if this is a cruel trick. My body that is, the trick that it plays on me every 25-28 days with PURE TORTURE. I have no tubes(lost to 2 differnt ectopic pgcy's), I have a broken uterus (septum that was taken out and thought to be repaired), I have pcos, I have endometirosis removed 5 times by stages 4 4 3 and 2(now I feel it welling up again). Wait, do me a favor, hold both of your hands up and spread all 10 fingers out..... I can TWICE over count the issues my body has that some how, some way all relate back to being infertile. Or better yet have classified me as repeat aborter. I HATE THAT FUCKING STATMENT, Habitual Aborter my medical classification Ugh.

Today is day 2.5 of my cycle and it is kicking my ASS up and down. I have consumed about 30 tylenol in less than a 2 day time frame. I don't have any good relief drugs to help in the pain. Sure, I could ask for am RX for some, but they will make me loopy or only act like tylenol! The pain I have is a nauseating rumble of a red river flow like you see rushing down the white rapids in the grand canyon. I know, I know... gross, but it is reality and I should own stock in tampontampax brand!!!! Ugh.

Ok, those last 2 paragraphs don't make much sense, but damnitalready, I am so leaning towards taking this damn uterus out before we adopt. I can't stand using over 40 tampons and 1/2 a package of pads each cycle. 14 days of bleeding is just not fun by any means. So a 25-28 day cycle consists of 14 days of spotting/then grand canyon flow/spotting and then maybe 7-9 good days with little endo pain then LOTS OF IT for a day and then AF Is fucking here again. WTF? THis is the total infertility wrath of hell I face each cycle. Infertility I mean by the fact that my body can't produce a viable pregnancy naturally yet it makes me suffer through this wrath of HELL from my AF every month or less.

FUCK THIS.. I want this ute out. My gyn appointment is the 2oth of Feb so I hope he can chat with me about taking out the ute. Leaving the ovaries is perferred if the PCOS does not keep raging and the endo slows, but we will see. I do want to adopt, but if this body of mine keeps doing this I can't put a baby through hell like I have to put my DH through it all each month. Plus I want to mix some nice romance back into our relationship, but with my ute doing this to me, I can't seem to manage but maybe 2 good days of the monthly cycle to enjoy that with DH.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. what to do? I have answered my own question, but I can't stand that at 36 years of age and not having had a child carried to viability, that I would have to take out this ute at such a young age, but it is USELESS for facilitating a fetus, I have proven that 7 times in resutls of 9 angels in heaven.

Ok, now that that rant is out....... off to research some dear birth parent letters to help us compose our own. I love my DH because he loves to write. Heck, he told me tonight that he has already started the first part of a letter. YEAH.. Now I have to go to Samshoosierwholesaleclub and buy the software I need to make the "pretty" profile to so that the agency can review and change anything if needed.

I will try hard to have a better day tomorrow. I will! no matter what, even with AF here.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Subliminal hope

You know when you have hope that something happens the way you want it to, but you just don't want to speak out loud about it? Well it worked.

Today I got up early after a short night of sleep (wound up from the River Otters Hockey Game last night< Thanks Cornbread for the tickets!) and started cleaning the house. My mom was on the way over to help DH and I figure out the finances of our adoption process. We have it figured out and now have the ability to move forward with adoption now instead of 2 years from now when we could have borrowed from 401K. While doing all of this prep to my mom coming over (dog hair clean up duty and dusting) I was subliminally hoping we would possibly find an acceptance letter in the postal mail today from the adoption agency. BUT I dared not say it out loud because I did not want to be upset if the Postman did not deliver it today The reason I felt we might get it today was that they cashed my initial application fee check 2 days ago. So after the cleaning and $$ discussions with my mom, I just laid down to take a much needed nap. DH opened the mail box (alerted mail delivery thanks to the dog that hates the Postal lady) and promptly walked into the bedroom with a package in hand.

Yes, it was from the agency. We have officially been accepted to the agency from the adoption process. YES! WOOHOOO! BOYS AND GIRLS POP THOSE TOPS and CELEBRATE WITH US. This is HUGE. We are going to adopt and the process is starting much sooner than I ever expected. My heart leaps and warms each time I am thinking about this. I love it.

We are set to now fill out the contract and send in the contract money. Then we are set to start the Home Study process too. 1/2 of the cost up front and the other 1/2 due at the time of the "home" visit from the social worker. We were also instructed to start the Dear Birthparent Letter and then put together our Profile. WOW.. that is alot of information to take in, but enough to make me so excited I can't nap yet. hehe

DH is in the living room while I type this in the bedroom. He is reading the contract and reviewing the instructions given for our letters and what things we need to get. Things like birth certificates, marriage certificate, physicals, etc..

So the subliminal hope became reality today. Thank you.

Friday, January 27, 2006

open, but how far open?

that is one question we have been asked about adoption several times now.. how open are we willing to be with the probable birth parents of our future children.

Good question, Yet so private of one at the same time.

DH and I are discussing this off and on. We have a decions, but ever time I read online about someone that has NOT been open I bring this up to dh and ask him about how he feels about it. Every family will have a different opinion on this! I respect that.

My idea of open varies. It could be as open as meeting the birthmom/family in person after the birth maybe once or twice a year in person with pictures and letters for updates. Or as little contact as just a letter and pictures every few months via the agency. This is really up to the discussion between DH, myself, and the birthmom/father/family when the time comes.

I can't predict what will happen. DH is fully ok with open as far as meeting the bm/bf in person before and after the birth. He also agrees with 2 visits a year maybe or more in person after the birth.

I have more on this subject, but I have to go to work,. Ugh.

stay tuned.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


we are turning in our application today.



nervousness for what is yet to come

comfort from the agency already

questions arise

questions being answered

first nursery items bought and paid for.

now to clean the house. Ms. Pack Rat here needs CLEAN SWEEP to come help me with my room where the nursery will be. OMG. I am so bad at collecting clutter. Or should I say GOOD at it. LOL DH hates my clutter habits, but I promised I will free cycle much of the clothes and then have the yard sale in a month or so for the other stuff.

I could go on and on, but off to work so we can afford to do this all.

I really feel good that this is happening.

oh, btw, we should be couple #2 in line for adoption once we have our home study done in a month or two or so.

Sunday, January 22, 2006


down to our last interview of agencies tomorrow. If the questions are answered then we will promptly will write out the check for the fee and fill out the application to be hand delivered this week! WOW.

Shhhhh, I won't tell just yet.

are you curious?

beg and maybe tomorrow night I will post the agency who will be the one that helps us hopefully fulfill our life dreams of becoming parents soon.

Friday, January 20, 2006

oh soooo close

we are oh sooo close to having our decision made on what track we will take to adopt. The options are by agency or lawyer.

take a guess. hehe.. I will post tomorrow with an update of our decision.

This decision will bring me to break down and take on a second job for a short time or until we are placed! I am ok with that so we have extra funds to buy our baby's first outfit, first stuffed toy to put in the crib, first set of crib sheets and our frist item to go with our baby bedding set. John Lennon's Real Love, yes discontinued, but I love this pattern. So off to Ebay I go to bid. YEAH!

For the first time in our marriage we are excited about this. It is really heart warming to think about a nursery for a change. Long deserved.

Cheers to a great weekend.

editing to post the link to the BABY bedding I am trying to bid on. Yes, call me crazy, but we know this is a discontinued John Lennon Real Love crib set. I got out bid, but I will keep on the next good ebay bid war to finally purchase a set.

Monday, January 16, 2006

sitting back for a day to take a deep breath

wow.. I was told by several adoptive parents that adoption can become overwhelming sometimes with research and by gosh they were so right. We are so trying to figure out who to interview.... adoption agnecies and lawyers too. WOW.

ok, I am ready to start interviewing both. I am making my list now of questions to ask. BUT my list of lawyers is small. Anyone know of adoption lawyers in ST. Louis?

Friday, January 13, 2006

I love when it snows on my Birthday

Friday the 13th and my Birthday mixed with a little rain, sleet and a beautiful wind down to the day with snow. I enjoyed the total white out we had this afternoon with the snow. I love it when it snows on my Birthday. I had a great day. I took a 1/2 day of vacation and then went to sign for my paperwork for the $$ that Cornbread(see previous post) from WIL FM 92.3 graciously gave us(check will come in the mail in 4-6 weeks), then I mailed some goodies to a few friends from inciid(Hope you both like them), then I went home and took a nap. I did take a nap. I deserved it. hehe. Tonight DH gave me a sudoku game for my b-day and then we went and ate steak for dinner. YUMMMY. My Tummmy is happy!

The snow is pretty at night when the moon is full and reflective off the snow. It is like a blue hugh.

On the way home we stopped at Kohl's and boy did we rack up some good bargains. In total we got 7 pieces of clothing and 1 set of earrings for DH(yes, he got his ear repierced last month, mid-life crisis). We spent a total of 111.00 WOW. Not bad at all.Happy Birthday to me! Some of the long sleeved v neck shirts for fun running around in were only 4.90 each at the register. Hmmm, I Might have to go back and search those racks again. That is my kind of shopping. Everything we got was on sale. hehe

On a side physical note. I am sick and tired of my body. I started my AF (aunt flow, PERIOD, cycle day 1) on January 1st. Today I am still having residual discharge and I HATE IT. (so no nookie for my Birthday) 13 fucking days on my period? I am so leaning towards having a hysterctomy now. I can't stand that my body has 28 day cycles and that it is consumed 12-15 days on my AF. WTF? I will be booking a consult with my ob/gyn to discuss the issues and maybe I can find a solution to this. I have heard of the uterine procedure where they insert a balloon in the uterus in a surgery ward and basically heat up the ballon and burn the layers of the lining of the uterus and then it won't shed for months to come. But that seems harsh. I almost want to just take the damn thing out since it is such a sore issue for me because it is in essence USELESS to bare a child from. I hate my body. I hate that I was born with a septum in the uterus. I hate that it caused us so many heartaches. I JUST WANT IT GONE, yet it is such a harsh surgery to endure at this age of 36 now. AND it will mean the TOTAL end to the ability ever to carry a child. I know for me it is like a 1-in-a-TRILLION shot of ever carrying a viable pregnancy so I might as well take it out. I can't ever get pregnant with REGULAR SEX because my tubes are gone from the 2 ectopics so my uterus is seemingly deemed WASTED SPACE that causes me a heartache of physical pain each 28 days that lasts for 12-15 days. Dr. T, Lets just chuck this septated uterus out the window, ok?

Ok, off to surf the internet about some more adoptive breastfeeing issues and protocols.

CHEERS to all those out there that have Friday the 13th Birthdays in January.

Oh btw, my friend told me today an interesting tidbit of USELESS TRIVIA..... Toilet Paper was invented on this day.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

you can't win if you don't play.. guess what.....

I played and I won....

this is the promotion: http://wil92.com/?sid=440082&nid=145 *copy and paste, I am having troubles posting that as a link*

I got a call on my cell this AM at 7:30... I missed it. My home phone immediatly rang.. I caught that call. I was not sure who it was, but since they called my cell, I knew I had to answer it. me:"Hello?" other end"is this Becky?" me:"yes", other end"I like the name becky, how are you doing this morning?" me"Who is the?" other end"Cornbread" ... OMG.. I was in shock. I had applied for the promotion with a letter of appeal to help start our fund for adoption and CORNBREAD paid our bill. OMG. I was shocked, but so so excited.

I was aked to explain our story about our struggle through the 6.5 years of infertility and miscarriages and about our start to the road to adoption and Cornbread then deemed our bill paid. I had wrote this story in a letter and with it I submitted our mortgage payment for a month and he paid it. I was so thankful and shocked and excited that I was crying. Fun.

My thought in life is... if you don't play or apply, you won't have a chance in hell for them to even tell you NO, sorry you did not get it or you did not win or... etc... SO I applied and we were selected 2nd out of at least 300 applicants so far. He is giving away various amounts of money to each recipient and we were so blessed with them to cover this one mortgage payment. WOW. (I actually already paid the mtg payment so this money is going into the adoption fund!!) YEAH.

approx 400.00(mtg payment is 502.xx per month but they take taxes out like I was on the payroll for a day!) LOL

so our adoption fund is near 435.00 so far. LOL that is to cover the application fee and part of the homestudy process. YEAH.

Ok.. I feel good and SOOO LUCKY and BLESSED. DH was in shock when I called him to tell him to listen for the taped recording of my call from Cornbread and he called me back crying. They also played a song about a child after my recording of him calling me at home and that also touched DH to the core.

If you have a chance to apply for grants, promotions.. etc... APPLY. I have applied for the IVF grant, we were accepted and then now I applied for this PAY MY BILLS promo and we WON!


Saturday, January 07, 2006

dh said what I needed to hear

So Thursday night we went to our first adoption support group meeting together as a couple. Most of the other support group meetings I have been to were for women going through infertility(IF) treatments or were in transition.

Well after I finally put my foot down Wednesday night and told DH that we are dropping the issues of IF treatments via surrogacy for now(not to be forgotten) and pursuing adoption 100%, he agreed. YEAH.

We went to the meeting and got there a 1/2 hour early. LOL My butt was so excited to go and thus we left the house in plenty of time to grab dinner and then get to the meeting room with 30 minutes to spare. There was another couple there waiting so we were not alone. Then the leader of the group came in early too and she was excited to see all of us there early. Then b y the time 10 minutes past for the start of the meeting we had 15 of us in there including the leader of the meeting. The leader is a 2 time mom of an adopted son and daughter. It was nice to meet others still in the search process as we are for an agency or lawyer/facilitator and others with an agency that are in the process of paperwork and home studies.

The meeting lasted 2 hours and as DH and I walked out of the building, I asked him how he felt about the meeting? He said, "This proved that Adoption IS for US." WOOOHOOO. My heart jumped with JOY. We talked all the way home and even more some when we got home. He said we can do this and he was excited to know that not ALL aspects of adoption have a negative notation to them. He even said he was really happy to realize that we can be happy through this process unlike the uncertainty through IF treatments we often experienced.

So I have a total of 5 agencies we have reviewed the initial packets from and I am going to be requesting about 3 or 4 more from out of state agencies. Looks like I might need to take a 1/2 day of work to do this because I can't do it at work. I loved hearing that others have done this too to get the initial reviewing process done. I will be sitting down this week and will make up a list of questions to call those agencies we can go with (non-church going folk here) and call them to get answers. It is amazing what you can ask them. Oh, one agency even sent a list of referrals for me to call when I asked them if they had a list. Very nice. I am sure it is a list of people that are "good" referrals, but I want to hear their experiences. Once we are finalized with our adoption and if a couple needs a referral (spoken word on the agency we use) then I would be glad to help them out so I hope we can find that same help.

First thing is first........ Put away my Christmas decorations today. Bahahahaha. Yup, they are still up, sad I know, but both DH and I were too lazy this past week and been sick so today is the best day I have to put them away.

Second thing ...... Find some adoption agencies in Illinois and possibly Indiana to get their intro packets from. Might you know of any with a good referral? Now remember we are in MO so we are ok with travel to places like this. Heck, DH and I even were kidding about if we were to be matched in another state, we could take the camper and stay near the place we would need to go. The camper is like a house for us and plus we can take the doggies if needed. I can't kennel 3 dogs and it is hard to find a house sitter to do that. LOL

NOTHING but POSITIVE things to think about.

Hey, today is January 7th and it is going to be near or around 50 degrees. WOW. We have only had one real snow here so far and I bet we will get blasted with nasty weather soon.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

the doc can't stop me now

After a disappointing doctor visit yesterday, DH and I have decided today to move onto adoptoin with FULL FOCUS.

The visit to the RE(reproductive doc) was not what we had wished for... meaning more LIMBO.... one answer we did get that we expected was that the miscarriage tissue sent to the lab came back contaminated thus inconclusive results. No way to tell if the fetus I mis carried was healthy or not. But I feel it was a healthy baby growing in there. I did not need test results to tell me that. I just knew in my heart it was my body that could not keep the baby in there.

Other things brought up are that the RE did not think my uterus (born with a uterin septum that has been removed in several surgeries) was the cause of the miscarriage. I was stunned as well as dh was too. I just know my body too well and that my uterus thinks of the embryo's as a foreigh object and rejects it after a certain period of time. No, I have not tested + for any immune issues except for MTHFR(c mutation only heterozygous) but that my uterus just can't handle a pregnancy. He kept trying to blame our problems on DH's sperm. Bullshit. He has tested clear of any problems possible.

The one thing the RE, DH and I all agreed on was that Surrogacy was the best option for us to try to conceive with our own biological embryo's. So here we sit.

Out of options due to money. Our money focus has to be on the BEST options now and that is agreed on by us both that Adoption is that one sure bet to become parents. I told DH tonight that I can't go through the torture of waiting to save up the mondy for surrogacy and NOT proceed with adoption. I told him I want to see him holding our child and I am 100% sure that our first child will be placed in his arms and our hearts through adoption.

Maybe one day in the future we can find a way to pay for surrogacy to be able to take our frozen embie out of suspension and put it back into a womb that is not so hostile towards it. I will continue to do research to find out how much the legal fees are for surrogacy through a lawyer. How much a cycle would totally cost because we would most likely retrieve my eggs and make more embryo's. etc... Cost is a factor, but emotional play and physical play on me and DH are just not worth the heartaches with something that does not give us a guarantee to become parents like adoption.

Ok, onto the march for our first child. Adoption is in my heart and has me happy.

I am so happy to know we can move forward now.

AMEN! Just to think that a child is out there to be born to us one day. WOW

Monday, January 02, 2006

Let it go for 2006 ..

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got
to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to......

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....

If someone has angered you ........

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .

If you have a bad attitude.......

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then ..

"The Battle is the Lord's!"