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Saturday, December 31, 2005

on we march with the weight

yes... weight and WAIT.. LOL

So when a woman goes through heavy infertility injection drugs (lupron, follistim, gonal f, cetrotide, PIO, etc...) many of us tend to have weight issues attached with these. So over the last 5 years of 6.5 years of infertility treatments my body gave in and gained a nice rounded number of pounds. So this Summer, knowing we were in our last IVF cycle, I paid close attention to my weight and eating habbits. No, I am not exercising(yet), but by portion control I have managed to take off the last 14 lbs of medication enduced weight(for the most part) since August 2005. Slow but steady. Just under an average of 3 pounds a month. Not great, but not really bad for just changing eating habits.

No, I won't make a New Years Resolution to lose more weight and by adding in exercising. I will promise myself to NEVER gain that weight back again. 14 lbs took me to my highest weight ever and let me tell you it does bad things to the body in many ways. So I take the stairs at work every day. about 100 steps up and then down. I try and walk them again at break.

Portion control is helped by several factors. DH is now working out at his work gym and doing Weight Watchers once a week at work also. They have a meeting each Monday. So he is usualy trying to be good over the weekend when I have my hardest portion control days. So with his help I will stay on track. Again, I won't make goals to lose a certain amount of weight, but I will continue to strive to NOT gain back what I had on me before.

Now on top of this, we are both down sick with colds on this New Years weekend. YUCK. I talked to my sister last night and she has it too along with one of my nieces. I think we all passed it around xmas eve and now we are full force in the middle of nasty colds. Sneezing, body aches, no appitite(nice!!) and crabby as all get out. Heck, DH and I agreed that we won't even attempt going out to have dinner and see a movie. Looks like Pay Per View here tonight. And I wanted to go visit a local mom and her daughter (Narnia) on N's New Year Eve Birthday, but I won't expose them to the illness and expose their guests. I won't do that. Sorry Mae, I do want to come. I want to meet your friends and most of all give N a HUGE hug. I bet she has gotten so much bigger since I last saw her at your yard sale. (Wow, that seems like such a long time ago).

Ok, off to go find some cough drops. I might have take this unshowered yucky body of mine out the local gas station to buy up their supply of cough drop sticks. aaahhhhh choooooo.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

March 2006

that is my new goal for looking at the time frame for selecting the route we will go about for adoption. Agency, lawyer, etc... DH and I talked last night that we will be looking into mid-March for the submission of our application to an agency or if we will go though a lawyer and then start the home study process. This is HUGE for me because I am a goal oriented person. I have to have dates set for things. I need that focus to be able to remain positive.

Funding will come in many forms. I am trying to think of a way to make some funds without having to get an in store second job. I read about 4 blogs last night that all had links to paypal and in subtle context they asked for your donations for the funding of their adoption... And I wonder if they really have ever had donations. LOL It is one way to make money for funding the process, but should I do something like that? I feel like I would be begging.

We will find a way though to do this. I will be finding things to sell on ebay or local yahoogroups. WE will do this. WE WILL. I know in the spring I can do a yard sale and that will bring in a few hundred to use towards the home study. Hoping on our Tax refund and again in huge hope, dh's annual bonus. I can't hold my breath on that one though. Hahaha. I know a loan is being worked on. LOAN is an important word as we have been told and researched out the adoption tax credit so that is a huge relief that the loan we take out is paid off in a few years time instead of 5 or 6 years.

So speaking of a yard sale. If you know of anyone that is cleaning out their house of things(not total junk) that I might take off their hands to put in my yard sale (computer equipment in working order, working electronics, tools), let me know and I will be glad to come pick them up. Gosh, that sounds like I am begging again, but damn it, I have to find ways to build our adoption fund.

35.00 is the Adoption fund balance today. LOL

(sw, I hope you got my email. I go back to the doc on the 3rd and will discuss the surrogacy issues with him and your info about the surrogacy stuff. I hope your baby is growing strong and I hope you can give me an update on HER! )

Monday, December 26, 2005

adoptive bf

I talked to DH a few weeks back about the idea of adoptive breastfeeding and I got a very positive reaction from him. I feel encouraged to am doing lots of research on this subject.

I have to book my ob/gyn appointment for March/April 2006 and will talk to my doc about adoptive breastfeeding. I really hope he can give me encouraging news on this subject and much support! I am lactating currently if I try and express manually. I hope I can keep that up and then add in an adoptive breastfeeding protocol to bring on a higher production rate with herbal/medication and pumping inductions. I have several sites bookmarked for help on this protocol. Many very encouraging words from others out ther. Thanks!

Xmas was great, but I think I am catching a cold. yuck.

One issue with my family on the adoption front and their issues with the AA race, but DH reminded me that HE and I are first in this family and if the extended family (including direct relatives or others) act with assvice about biracial adoptions, then they will be cut out of our lives. Yes, I mean immediate family too!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Thanks, I needed that, NOT


Insomnia: the inability to sleep applied to the general complaint of having trouble falling or staying asleep; insomnia is a symptom usually caused by underlying problems. See also transient, short-term, chronic, and sleep onset insomnia.

Well, that is me. Inherited from my dad and his mom(gram), BUT I don't always have an underlying problem. Hmmm. I honestly am physically recouped from this miscarriage now so that is not the problem, but maybe it is the lack of SEX. Hmmmm, thank goodness for my pink bunny. :-P

DH and I don't sleep together. He snores, I grind my teeth something horribly and I snore and toss and turn all night long, thus you would think I would sleep well without being woke up by DH's snoring every 5 minutes to make him turn over. I have insomnia and don't fall asleep very easily, but thanks to some ambien that the doc rx'd to me, I usually get to sleep lately pretty quickly, shame I did not take one last night because I was up until wee hours of the AM and then slept no more than 2 hour at a time for the rest of the night/morning until 11 am. Up 2 hours, sleep 2 hours, see that pattern? Thanks, I needed that sleep, but did NOT get it. life goes on. I will have a few drinks tonight at a holiday party we are heading to so I hope that helps settle me down to sleep better tonight. No, I won't mix the margaritas and ambien, I promise. (btw, thankgoodness they don't require we dress in holiday garb.)

Well, I need to go see the GP doc on Monday or Tuesday to get an rx for the anti-depressant and they won't let me have anything until he has me there in person. I can also ask him for some more ambien or that new lunesta. I hope that I can get something to help with the sleep. I know when I was on paxil it helped with sleeping so maybe the anti-d will do the trick without the sleep aid. I am thinking of asking for welbutrin(sp?) or lexapro. DH is now on lexapro and I can tell it is working for him. He is quite chipper these days. I like that and need to feel that way too. Hey, have I blogged about this before? I bet I have. LOL Sorry for the repeat. Must be this sleepy head of mine. Little foggy today.

Oh the homefront of adopting..... I got packet # 4 in the mail today. I read 2 pages of it so far and will read the rest tomorrow. I have one phone call to make next week and that is to my mom's lawyer. See, he and his wife adopted and maybe he has some inside scoop on how to approach the domestic adoption through a lawyer instead of an agency. Why you ask? Well, DH and I are not into church right now and out of 4 of the agencies I got packets for (I knew this going in), they all require you to be active members of your church. So, what if we go independant through a lawyer ? hmmmm, it is a thought and maybe an option.

I will be requesting more packets from agencies this weekend by email. Heck, there are only 8 days left in 2005 so it is prime time to be requesting these packets now and as stated earlier we are attending lots of adoption functions coming up in town in early 2006 so that helps keep me focused forward. YEAH. I like this good feeling.

I need good feelings to help with days like today at the grocery store. I saw 2 preggo's in the store and it really made me fell ok with the fact that we will adopt and be parents and we won't have to go through the horrible experiences of pregnancy that I have had in the past 6 years. I know many many women go on to have little to no risk pregnancies, but I have proven that to not be possible for us. I feel bad for DH as I can't give him our own biological child. I am resolute to the fact that I WILL be a wonderful mommy and so will DH be a wonderful daddy and that is going to happen to us by a child being placed in our arms and born into our hearts through adoption.

Interesting facts. I found a list online of what proper terms to use when speaking about adoption. For example: You don't refer adoption as "Getting a baby" but instead "receiving our child through adoption" (logical, but you won't believe how many couples stat it like that in their birthmother letters) ... oh there were so many other statements that really made me think about this. Glad I found the list and I will mention it to DH because I sure don't want to offend anyone when we write our dear potential birthmother letter!

I wish you and your families a Happy Holiday Season. May your hearts grow warm with love and be touched with caring souls.

Love to our angels in heaven. We love you all.

btw, I want to thank those Angels out in the earthly world for thinking of Dh and I at this time in our lives. We are so appreciating the love you all give us and the thoughts and prayers. Those of you that made offers and thoughts beyond belief are so kind. You know who you are. I wish you were here in town so we could hug you in real life. Cyber bud(you know who you are sw) , I can't thank you enough for the offer of keeping the surrogacy idea alive. We won't give up hope! WE WON'T. I can't wait to talk to you in the future after your next baby is born!

btw, if I sent you a Holiday Card last year, don't be surprised if you don't get one this year. Just not up to doing them. Sorry.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

one packet and one more email today

I sent out another email today for an agency locally to receive their introduction adoption packet. #3 on my list. I hope to get that just after Christmas. Good reading.

the packet we got today was from an agency here locally too. #2 requested. DH is finding it interesting to read their insert brochures. I like them too. THis agency is Christian oriented, meaning you must be active in the church. Ok!

I need to get back to reading Adoption after Infertility.

TOmorrow, I will email agency #4 for another intro packet. YEAH...

the ball is rolling.

Monday, December 19, 2005

resolution brings momentum

our beta finally came back today from last Thursday .... 1.2 So that means it is below 5 so it is considered a negative result finally. I know, sad to say we wished for a negative out of all this. The irony of a miscarriage.

I can say my body is still having problems with bleeding/spotting, but at least I know the beta was negative last week and about 4-6 weeks out from then I can expect my cycle to begin anew. Not that it means anything for us with ever having a child of our own because I have no tubes to ever get pregnant naturally. I will insist on being put on birth control to keep my PCOS in check.

I will now move on from this all and start to focus my time and energy on adoption and FUND raising for adoption. I will maybe look into Ebay selling again, but man that is hard when you have a full time job. I can go find childrens clothes on clearance and then list them on Ebay to make a small amount off each item or group of items. I will chat with my sister about maybe hiring her services (she is a stay at home mom).... to do this for us with Ebay. hmmm

I can try and find a part time job with a staffing agency doing data entry or something like that for about 10.00 an hour so that would help on some of the smaller expenses. I will ask DH to also work on finding a second job on the side so we can meet our goals quicker in the next year. I really hope to be able to at least start our home study by later 2006 and then maybe by 2007 Spring we can put our efforts into this fully. $$$ makes the difference, I hate to say, but we don't want to beg, steal and borrow our way to an adoption. I want to pay for it.

Goal #1 right now is to clean the house and then get through Christmas. I will then hope we can start a new focus once we have our follow up consult on the 3rd of Jan with the doctor.

Work is good this week as my co-worker is off and I am busy with part of her job and mine. Day off for Holiday on Friday and Monday and I took off Tuesday. YEAH. DH is off the whole week between Christmas and New Year.

Hmmm, might go get my ice skate sharpened so I can go hit the old Steinberg Ice Rink in Forest Park next week.

Ok, I need to go clean my MIL's carpets with DH in tow. Fun.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

without naming agency names, yes it does cost that much to adopt

after returning home from a day of shopping and a support group meeting this Saturday, I opened up the mailbox to find a packet of information I had requested from a local adoption agency. Name withheld..... This packet explained they were sorry for the photo copies of all information enclosed due to revamping their packet at the moment. I understood that, but did that mean that the prices were going up soon? Well, after reading and pondering the options, I told DH that the base price for the adoption would be 18,000. Yes, 18,000.00 ... that is the base, not including the home study and a few other costs. OUCH. But I kind of suspected this with this agency. Now I await the second agencies packet of information. I will also send out emails to about 3 other contacts to find out more information for their services. This is all so new to me and kind of exciting because it is like becoming an investigator to find the right fit for us. Very interesting, enlightening, and involved. I like that. It will keep me busy for at least the next 2-3 months and by then we will hopefully have an agency or option picked that best suits our needs and hopes.

I am excited for DH too. I told him of this first agencies packet options of infants and race and he did tell me that he is very open to a biracial baby. I am thankful he is as I know that there are loving babies out there to be welcomed into our hearts.

Oh, the books that arrived in the mail the other day, I have started reading the one of Adoptoin after Infertility. I am actually enjoying the reading of it. I will continue it and hope to finish it off this month and then pass it onto DH to read too. Nice to know it is ok to grieve our loss of never having a baby ourselves, but glad to know we are not along in longing for a baby and fulfilling this dream through adoption now is great.

Cheers to a good week and Happy Holidays to everyone.

off to go read.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

rays of hope from the cyberland blogs

let me first say that I am feeling like I need to move forward with the adoption process very very soon. Sure, grieving is important after a loss for any person or couple, especially those going through infertility. The lack of the ability to carry a pregnancy will be grieved, but , BUT BUT BUT.... I have managed to find a RAY of HOPE in the internet by reading blogs that are filled with journeys to adoption.

Sure some blogs that involve adoption, domestic mostly, will have the trudging through the mud difficulties of adoptions, but I need those to be prepped incase we encounter troubles in our own journey into adoption.

Having access to those in cyberland that are adopting domestically is comforting to know we are not the only couple out there that has a longing for a newborn or very young infant when we get ready to be shown to the perspective birth mother. Some might find this a selfish thing from us, but it is our wish and our longing for so just deal and learn to respect that we wish for this. If you can't deal, then learn to agree to disagree.

My family knows that we are on the road to adoption, but DH's family is now just finding out that we miscarried over Thanksgiving weekend and that we are now on the road to saving for adoption. Thankfully, they are 100% supportive so far. I welcome that support and can now feel like we can talk openly about adoption unlike with infertility we were told to keep it to ourselves!!!! Yes, people in family have actually told us to not talk about our infertility in front of them because it was such a private thing. So we bit our lips and did not mention it. Now we can finally relax around them, but will be on guard for assvice comments they might tend to make about adoption.

on a side note, the RE's office never called me back day b4 yesterday with my hopefully final beta draw for a zero count so I tried all day to call them but their phones are on forward. I guess they are gone for the next week and I won't hear back what my beta was. Reason I have to keep doing beta's to get a zero is that in previous miscarriages I had my beta/hcg #'s fall, but then stalled after the miscarriage and then went back up due to retained placental tissue in the uterus. I had d&c's after each miscarriage of our twins and I was so sure that this one might end up that way. Although my body is telling me that I am most likely at the zero # altready. ZIT FACED days are here, thanks to my PCOS... see, when pregnant I have NOT Acne, but my face is riddled with activity these past 4 or 5 days so I can almost bet I am at a zero beta and that my PCOS is raging again. I am still spotting brown, but it gets less and less each day. Finally! So my body seems to be healing, but we will wait for that beta # to confirm what my body is telling me.

So, now I get to focus on wrapping presents. JOY.

Oh btw, that word "JOY" seems to come up much more now that we are setting our hearts on adoption. I find it a simple word, but a great way to express many moments I have in starting this adoption process.

Ok, off to shop then come back to wrap. Oh and do some laundry. LOL

Thursday, December 15, 2005

a box at the front door and a nice prescription from the doc.

First the good news of the nice box on the front door step:

delivered by the sometimes nice mail man today........

A box full of adoption books from a very generous cyber friend.

Thanks A!

Books are as follows:

Adopting After Infertility : Patricia Irwin Johnston

The Adoptoin Resource Book : Louis Gilman (everything you ought ot know about creating an adoptive family)

Launching a Baby's Adoption (Practical Strategies For Parents and Professionals) : Patricia Irwin Johnston

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption: Chris Adamec.

WOW... I have lots of reading to do in the next few weeks> LOL

Now the news or lack of news on the body's lack of enforcement to get back to a normal state (whatever that is) after a miscarriage....... Well I am still bleeding, but old blood so that is a good sign it is not new blood. I went in today for another BETA HCG blood test today to find out if the beta is zero or not after this loss that happened the weekend of Thanksgiving, but they NEVER CALLED me back today with the beta results. UGH.

I will be on the horn tomorrow AM at 9 am to get details. I so hope it is zero. It is sad to think after all the trying to have a baby that DH and I have been through that I would HOPE and PRAY for a zero beta. BUT I am.

Evil of them to not call me today with the blood work results.

BUT one good thing I did today was complain about the lack of sleep to the nurse that drew my blood. She was so nice to go back and get my a prescription for 15 days of ambien, which in my book means 30 days worth because that stuff is so good that I can pop the pill in 1/2 and it will do the trick for at least the next 4 weeks instead of 2 weeks!!!!!!!! YEAH. Now I promised myself I would get to the GP to get an RX for anti-depressants and I will do that tomorrow.

Ok... on to go read some pages in the adoption books to BRING some JOY into my thoughts.


U2 Rocks. I have seen 5 of their concerts now in St. Louis and each one is unique yet they have grown over the years to truely appreciate the fans and the music they play for us to get our reactions to the fullest. They tease us with a breath of politics, yet they please the lustful music diehard fan.

I wish I had taken my camera. I have cell phone pictures, but they don't do justice. I wanted to be that young lady he pulled from the Inner Circle of the floor stage area. He sang to her, he held her, He hugged her and he kissed her on the cheek and then lead her back to the stage end to get back to the floor with the help of the security staff.

I will go see this band again in my lifetime. I will always listen to their music no matter the message they send.

THanks U2 for coming to St. Louis again.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

What is the hold up?

The hold up is that I can't get my body to let go of this miscarriage yet. I am going in Thursday for another beta to check to see if we hit zero yet. Bleeding is still happening.. (Sorry TMI TMI) but this will most likely go on for another 3-4 weeks even after a negative beta. I need to buy stock in Tampax pads. LOL

Life does go on in other ways. I booked a follow up consult with the doc and will discuss our option with our one frozen embie and surrogacy. I fear age might be an issue if we can do surrogacy due to who we can ask or how might volunteer to help us out. Yet another worry that I won't worry about much until we get to the point of asking a person to be a surrogate. I am always finding ways to worry myself. I will try and stop that for now until we can get through this end of the miscarriage process.

Only 1 more WINK until U2. YEAH.

I have only purchased 4 xmas gifts out of 11 or so needed. Yikes. I have taken off work this Thur. and Fri. to be able to continue my shopping and then wrapping.

Speaking of Wrapping, My services are for hire(donation to adoption funding for us!) to you for wrapping your xmas gifts if you totally despise doing that. I worked as a Professional Wrapper at FamousBarr at xmas time in the past and LOVE to wrap. You provide the wrap, I like to make REAL bows so provide that and I will bring the scissors and Tape.

Oh, what an annoying commercial. CHIA PET. UGH. I swore in 2 minutes time I saw the commercial 2 times on CBS. Enough of that silly stupid gift already.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

ahhh, only 4 more winks

U2 concert is Wednesday night. 4 more winks until the show.

Btw, if you have Directv, channel 124 is showing the Chicago U2 concert this whole month. There are other shows on there olike the Bacon Brothers, Bonnie Rait, and maybe one other but the U2 concert is the Highlight this month! Very nice.

How Long Can We sing this Song. How long, How long....

Thursday, December 08, 2005

medication is ok to make it through the day.

With this loss of our pregnancy and precious baby that was growing in me, I am LOST. I am lost in emotions and the physical dealings of having a miscarriage. I am not able to make it through the day without major BAD mood swings. I am not able to function fully in a GOOD way, I tend to want to sleep and not pay attention to my duties at work or home. I can't live like this. So tomorrow I promise myself to call the General Practitioner to help me out with some much needed medications to help with depression. YES I am depressed. I am on a low functioning physicality. Does that make sense? Well for me I have had this happen before. I had to get help with medication by means of an anti-depressant back in 2003 when we lost our twins at 10 weeks gestation. I went on paxil for about 5 months and it really really helped out.

I will ask about taking either welbutrin(sp?) xr or lexapro. I hate to medicate, but I can't climb out of this FUNK by myself and honestly it is a nasty ill effect on my marriage and work and any type of social life I might try and have.

Then after that in early 2006 I am going to join my mom in taking an exercise class of some sort. I need to get active because it helps me keep a great momentum to lose weight and make myself feel much better physically about me and about my SEX LIFE that is nonfunctioning right now. Sure I am recovering from a miscarriage and that has reason to not be active, but I need to be active in my life this way to keep DH and I happy. I love feeling good about me!

Soon I will be able to then function on a happier note to be able to start the process of gathering adoption information. Meetings, Seminars, DH's work benefits of helping couples adopt(no they would not pick up the insurance rider for infertility coverages, but they do 0ffer the 4,000 dollar relief fund once you finalize your adoption. WOW.

Cheers to a much better 2006.

dang I need to do some xmas shopping but Hate the mall.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

I swear Angels are watching over DH and I.

Sure, losses have us down. AF is here or at least the winddown from this miscarriage is happening physically. BUT BUT BUT.....

ANGELS are watching over DH and I. I do mean our lost baby angles, but I also mean some SPECIAL Angels and you know who you are!

My heart warms with the love of others.


I had little to no Christmas Spirit in my heart, but it is warming up and growing stronger by the day.

Thanks to some special ANGELS in our lives and those that are COMING into our lives.

DH and I are BLESSED.


Tuesday, November 29, 2005

9th and final angel in heaven

July 1999 = ectopic in left tube from natural conception/Angel #1(tube was most likely blocked from severe endometriosis that doctors were never smart enough to discover although I sure had the symptoms and complained my ass off to them about. )

February 2000 = miscarriage/lost heartbeat of one healthy baby boy angel at 8w1d pg(testing showed a healthy male fetus, but upon hysteroscopy/d&c to remove the demised fetus from our womb it was noted that the fetus most likely passed due to implantation on the uterine septum I was born with. Angel #2

October 2000 = ectopic # 2 in right (good) tube from an IUI/Clomid cycle. It took 2 laporoscopy surgeries in 2 months to save me from septic shock due to molar tissue growth of the pgcy removal in the tube that grew on the bladder, bowls, abdominal walls. I lost the right tube and we took out the bad blocked left tube. Hence TUBELESS. Angel #3

October 7th 2002 = miscarriage of twins at 8w3d due to large subcorionic hematoma. One fetus was a healthy girl, but we will never know the other fetus's gender due to the nurse being a dumbass and not sending the sample to the lab properly. Angels #4 and 5.

October 10 2003 = miscarriage of twins at 10w due to large subchorionic hematome in the uterus again! No genders were able to be determine due to contamination from the urinal I delivered them in. Angels # 6 and 7

July 2005 = Chemical pregnancy from our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Highest beta was a 12.9. Angel # 8

November 27th 2005 at 12:10 am.... = Miscarriage of one heatly 6w1d embryo due to another LARGE bleed. Angle # 9

I am exhausted. I am burnt out. I am crying hard. I am lost. I am sad I lost my chance at ever becoming a mom to a child I would ever carry.

Today's US showed what I already knew. No embryo existed in the uterus anymore. I miscarried it early early hours of Sunday morning at home in the privacy of our own bathroom. I was bleeding very very heavily, as with the subchorionic hematomas. Then suddenly I wiped and there my embryo sat on the tissue, no blood, nothing except a perfect round sac with fliud in it that ruptured out when I held it out to look at it on the tissue. I quietly called DH into the bathroom and told him that was our baby. He hugged me and got me a little container to put it in so I could take it into the office on Monday AM.

The doc agree's with DH and I that even with 1 frozen embie, we might want to consider surrogacy. Well, I can't afford that. I can't do that. It is so fucking expensive. Like more that what I paid for my house back 10 years ago. I joke you not. It is not in reach for that to be possible. So DH and I have decided to put things on hold on that front. We will keep our one embryo frozen until we can think clearly after the new year. The doc did send off the tissue I brought in from my mc on Sunday AM and said he did not see any product of conception in there, but he did send it to the lab to test it. We will wait about 10-15 days for that report to come back in and the nurse will call us back with results. I don't think we can get INCIIDTHEHEART to cover anymore cycles and I would not really think I could even try to do a transfer. My only thought is that if they could help us with one more retrieval, I can freeze all embies and then maybe MAYBE one day I can get a family member of friend to volunteer to be a surrogate.

I am lost.

Our only option is to stop treatments now totally and then stop and save up money for adoption in about 2 years. We won't have funds available to us until after January 2008. Yes, I said 2008. FUCK.

meantime, I am going to engross myself in school and find my ability as an older college student to get my 2 year associates soon.


I miss my angels in heaven.

I LOVE YOU ALL, my sweet babies.

Hey, if you know of anyone that would volunteer to be a surrogate for a loving couple, send them my way. No, I am not kidding.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


I miscarried our baby last night.

so sad.

one day I will be back, hopefully, to become a parent by adoption.

I have to take some time to cry this out grieve. so long for now.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

I wish I did not have to

decorate for Christmas that is. I love the decorations, but I hate putting them up. DH did it all last year because I was working 2 jobs. This year, I am only working the day job. So I am obligated to help out. Yes, bahumbug. I would rather sit and enjoy an already decorated house> Oh well.

One good thing is that we are not hosting Christmas this year so we are not decorating the downstairs family room. One less tree and decor to put up.

Today is nice outside so we should get out and put up the lights outside too, but I am with child so I AM NOT climbing the 16 foot ladder to put the lights up on the porch roof and along side the gutters on the west side of the house. NOPE. DH has to do this. If he does not do them today then he runs into a chance of rain tomorrow. Not one year has gone by in the 11 we have been here that we have not decorated the outside so he must do this. LOL

Ok, now the fun part after the decorating in the house, KEEP THE 11 month old LAB mix PUPPY out of the tree!

With decorating, this means we clean the house too. Double yuck. but it so needs it.

Ok, this is going to be a fun (right?!) Saturday getting into the SPIRIT of Christmas. DH was even playing some music from the '80's in the form of holiday music.

Speaking of holiday music, what is your favorite from growing up? I lived with my parents listening to Johnny Mathis or Willie Nelson and Elvis singing Holiday songs. My favorite is Johnny Mathis and DH bought me his holiday cd last year. hehe.

Off to glitter in the glow of my tree lights. BTW, after we put the lights on the tree last night, yes we did check the lights before we put them on, 1/2 of one strand was out and we could not get it to work. So I had to find some smaller starnds and fill in the voids. LOL I wish I could find a tree to buy that is already lit with color lights. Only trees I find that are already lit are all white lights. Hmmm, if you know of a place I can buy one with color lights already installed on it, let me know.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thank goodness for memories

as I woke up today, I longed for that smell of cooking turkey and stuffing. We are not cooking today as we are splitting our day between dh's family and mine. I don't mind not cooking, but boy do I mss that wonderful smell of cooking turkey in the oven.

When I was growing up, my dad and mom hosted Turkey day at our house. EVERY year for as long as I could remember. We lived in a 3 story house in old historic Shaw Neighborhood. Beautiful nice sized homes in St. Louis City. My family would come from all around on both sides. We usually averaged about 25-30(sometimes more) people in our house for Dinner serving time. Not kidding. My mom has old depression glass(pink) that we would serve dinner on for the adults and us kids would eat off the dixie plates. We had so much food. So much Fun. No matter what the weather was like.

I miss that smell of the turkey cooking and waking up to go to the kitchen to help peel potatoes and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would help out each year. My dad would make the home made Jack Carney Stuffing for the bird (I am still looking for that recipe) and my aunts would come over later in the AM and get the Potatoes, green bean casarole and the veggies all ready for the usual eating time for 3 pm. We would all gather our plates and sit around the dining room table and extra set up folding tables for us kids. My Grandma Loretta would then stand up and say Grace. Her blessings were for us to hold onto through the year to remember to be Thankful for family, friends, our lives, roofs over our heads and the love we all shared.

I miss my dad, we lost him to the evil lung liver and bone cancer back in December 1995. I miss my gram, she died a few years back of heart and other health problems. BLess them and Bless the others in my family that have also since passed. Gram(mom's mom)Hazel, Uncle Larry and Aunt Marie and cousin Deandra who left us way too young in her 20's last year.

I will see many members of my side of the family today and will miss that special turkey stuffing of dad's, but am thankful for the family to still be there. I will also miss gram Loretta's lemon merange(sp?) pie. Since being diabetic, I can't do pie unless sugarfree.

Being Thankful for many things today.

This miracle baby growing inside me
Our puppies,
Our House
Our families on both sides.
our jobs
this blog.

Many many other things that I think of.

May you have time to stop and remember those things to be thankful for.

Blessings to our baby angels in heaven and those angels that were lost to heaven for anyone out there. Especially Amy and Chris's twin girls lost this week at 21 weeks gestation.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 21, 2005

up and down up and down

to pee that is. LOL Like you really need to know this.

One good sing thing are going well is when I go to sleep, last night was 11:30'ish... I get up average of every 2 hours to PEE. Yup, that is a great sign of pgcy.


Sunday, November 20, 2005

so I will go it alone......

to go see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by myself! Yes, myself. My DH does not get into Harry Potter so I asked a few others and struck out. My niece(12) went Friday night with her friends to see it, my nephews(10 bro to niece) is hunting with my brother(his uncle) and then my friend is not into HP, so I understand. SOOO I am going online to buy my tickets and go by myself. hehe.. This is not the first time that I have done this. I have seen 2 of the LOTR movies by myself and 2 of the HP movies by myself too. I love it. I find my own seat and put my purse and coat on the two immediate seats near me and then I spread out. Popcorn, Soda(diet today due to gestational diabetes) and me... All by myself. Not lonesome, but just by myself to enjoy the movie! hehe.

Oh, reading a new book for the book club. The Pleasure of my Company by Steve Martin. Pretty good so far. I will review it when I get done hopefully next weekend.

Tick tock tick tock... goes the clock until Tuesday morning. 1st appointment is with the nurse educator at 9 am and then our US is at 10:40 am. DH will meet me there as he has to work. I took the whole day off. I think I will then move my acupuncture appointment from Wed evening to Tuesday evening. I hope we have good news on Tuesday from the US.

Happy Sunday.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I am here... so far so good...

When a woman goes through infertility and has had repeated miscarriages, one becomes quiet in the early weeks of pregnancy until you can reach past , well hell, I really don't know when to become more vocal about it all.

I made it to 10 weeks of pregnancy with my twins back in 2003. I had told many people we were pregnant and had to suffer through the miscarriage and the re-telling people that we had lost our precious twins at such an early gestation.... SOOOOOO you can possibly understand why I am being so quiet these days. Today is 5 weeks and 1 day into this pregnancy. Or at least I think that is how far along I am by the IVF calendar! I have had a little bit of brown spotting two different times this past week. I came home and immediately went to bed and asked DH to make dinner and bring it to me so I could stay laying down as long as possible.

Today is a good day. I feel good. tad bits of nausea throughout the day, hungry, tired, sore (.)(.)'s. and sore rump from the PIO shots. BUT other than that.... I feel really good. Actually I welcome all those symptoms I just listed. I am not complaining because when you go through IF, you are more than willing to put up with many things that pregnancy can induce upon your body and emotions. Oh speaking of emotions... I swear I have to keep a tissue handy because I can cry at the drop of a hat. I mean driving in the car, commercials on the radio can and DO spark a few tears and not always for any certain reason. It is like the pregnancy hormone has turned on the tear ducts to a flow of 95% open. LOL

So counting down..... 4 full nights of winks before we go to our first US. I am scared. I am excited. I am emotional. And I welcome them all!

oh.... one other good side effect that helps me feel reassured that I am indeed pregnant, BURPING out of control. LOL I have lost all control.

Also, on tuesday I meet the nurse educator for diabetes control. She will show me how to count my glucose levels to help administer the correct amount of insulin for my type II now deemed Gestational Diabetes. When you are a type II diabetic before pregnancy and then get pregnant, you are automatically classified for medical purposes as a Gestational Diabetic. I have been monitoring my glucose levels 4 times a day and can't get them under control even with my diet given to me from the Diatition at St. Lukes this past Tuesday. The diatition did agree that one of the medications I am on from this IVF cycle is causing some problems. ..... Dexamthasone.. It is screwing with my glucose levels, but still the pregnancy hormones are doing the most part of screwing up my glucose levels. ..... SOOOOO I am insulin bound. It is enough to scare the shit out of me when I was told this personally from the Perinatologist. She said it is important for me to get this under control for the baby's growth and health. That I will do!

Blessings to all as we head into the Holiday Season.

Gobble Gobble.

stay tuned......

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Sleep... oh devine sleep but bad glucose

a nap here and there makes the world go round.

My body is so newly pregnant that I never imagined that it would require so much sleep yet, but it is. I took a good nap this afternoon and feel like a million bucks now. Well, except for the burping. LOL

I am sitting here smelling DH cooking chicken for dinner and it smells yummy. Fill up this tummy and I will be even happier.

Now comes the fun part of all of this. I am type II diabetic. controlled by diet along, no medications needed so far. I am now on close glucose monitoring this weekend and must fax over my glucose sheet to the PERI's office ASAP on Monday. Yes, that is right, I called the Perinatologists office on Friday to book a 10 week appointment with the nurse and 20 minutes later the DOC herself called me back. #1 concern was getting me off Heparin ASAP. So I have to call the RE and discuss this with him. (I will talk about the need for heparin later) #2 concern was my glucose levels. So I am on LITTLE to NO SODA now. and I am going to make a huge pitcher of TEA and drink it was one packet of splenda per tall glass at the PERI's approval.

I took my glucose 4 times yesterday. First was when I got to work on a fasting overnight. It was 158 YIKES> I ate a huge dinner with french fries the night b4 and did that make a difference LOL. Second was an hour after Eggs and ham for breakfast. My # was 105. GOOD! then one hour after Lunch = 153. YIKES again. I ate a can of campbell's chicken noodle soup due to upset tummy and it caused me to have high sugar levels. So no more of that soup. Then after dinner I got a reading of 151. Well that was after eating Chinese rice and egg rolls. So we know I can't afford to eat Chinese anymore. Bahahahahaha

So my #'s they want to see? fasting AM should be between 85-100, 1 hour after a meal no higher than 140(ugh). These will be hard to do, but I can do it. I CAN FOR A GOOD REASON... To keep this baby growing in me. No better reason, right?

So now I need to become a better 3 meal a day eater. I tend to only do 2 meals on the weekends and that is going to kill my sugar levels.

So, now I have to go make a big pitcher of tea. See you all later.

down and out of SODA. LOL

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I hope it's a keeper!!!!!!

2 - HPT's = 2 + beta's... OH YEAH.... low starter beta's.. but they are ++++++

Tuesday was 8dp3dt and my beta was 9.9 today I am 10dp3dt and my beta is 25.8 (no more beta's scheduled.)


US on the 22nd.

Please let this be a keeper
tubeless in st. louis(aka .. stlgirl4ivf)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

hpt's are bought..... but I am too chicken

I swear one moment this body tells me that I am SO NOT pregnant and then I feel something a few minutes later and it gives hope. I sure hope stays true.

I have the evil pee sticks sitting in my w*lgreens bag here on my table. I am too chicken to do one tonight plus I hate to try and test early. Today is only 8 days post transfer so that is still early. If I am too chicken in the AM on Wednesday, I will then only test Thursday AM before my 2nd and all telling beta. I hate the wait.

I am anxious to have answers.

No matter what happens.. I am going to tell DH that we are going to pursue the paperwork from several adoption agencies in the next 3 months to get them to review and figure out who we will send an application in for. I will adopt no matter what happens.

Oh, BTW, I still don't know if we have any frozen embies. No letter in the mail today. ARRGGHHH. At my first beta draw today, I asked the nurse this AM to see if she could give me a freezing report or lack of and she said the lab only handles that and she has nothing in my files to tell me if we did get to freeze any embie or not. BULLSHIT.. I can't stand it. I know they know and what the hell is so hard about them tell us by MOUTH and not SNAIL FREAKIN' MAIL. My gosh.. I run the risk of the USPS loosing my report. I swear they better send it tomorrow or Thursday. Great... If it comes Thursday and I get a negative beta and I also am told we have none to freeze, I am going to go POSTAL on the Docs office.

Bloody nose... Thanks to Heparin for this IVF cycle. Hey,I don't mind if it means possible implantation.

Good things today... I got my new cell phone. YEAH. The other had a broken antenna and would not get good reception and had funky ring tones on it. I downloaded a song from Cingulars web rings and it was totally not what I had ordered. I might call them up and ask for a credit. I am happy about the new phone though. Ok, time to go download a good song for the new ring tone. LOL wish me luck.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

oh yeah.... I miss him already

DH is on his plane heading to Denver CO. He is going to a conference / seminar until Thursday afternoon. I am left on my own with 3 vicious doggies and an attack kitty to guard me. I do mean that. My Pit Bull is on edge lately and I have to keep an eye on my front door when the mailman arrives or else she will tear him a new one. LOL

Ok... I do my own heparin shots in the belly and that is fine. Let me tell you the belly is a pretty array of colors .. kinda like a dark blue/black bouquet of flower colors in bursts across my abdomen. I should take a picture. BUT I will spare you.

NOW tonight was the first PIO shot by myself.. I got it ready.. iced my hip right up... and went to the bathroom and looking into the mirror to give myself the shot..( I swear to you icing makes a difference). BUT BUT BUT... I did the hesitation thing like 5 times before I was able to plunge the needle in my hip. LOL I finally did it and then I could not get my hand positioned around the syringe to push the plunger. Now mind you I am a Plump girl... I have a hard time reaching around to the back side of my hip with both hands. I had to sit there for a split second with no hands on the syringe and I saw it hanging there in the skin. YIKES. BUT I quickly looked in the mirror and grabbed it rigth that sides hand and started pushing the plunger in. I was so numb from the ice that I felt no pain... Done. I pulled it out and was pleased, but man I had a bleeder. Quickly I had my pad of tissue and immediately pressed on the site to make it stop bleeding and rubbed to make sure the oil disapated into the muscle. Now about 40 minutes later I can feel the site and am sitting with a heating pad on. LOL Life is funny, the things we IF women go through.

Ok, so tonight is 4 winks away from the big beta date. I am nervous. I thought I felt some twinges or aches today in the ute area so I took at as a good sign. I am acutally glad to go back to work tomorrow so I can keep my brain busy and not focus every second of every hour on this issue of "Did it work or did it not?".

I sit here listening to my vicious youngest puppy of 11 months old snoring up a storm. LOL She is so big now and matches the size of my nearly 3 year old yellow lab mix.

Puppies.... gotta love them.

Thankful for my blessings in my life. I love my husband!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

totally out of my hands

I know, I can't do anything to make this cycle go any better. It is by far the best one yet (unless I don't have any embies to freeze, we will find out soon), but I told myself today that it is all totally out of my hands now. I am doing my shots of PIO and suppositories as directed. Shots of Heparin, which btw leave a nice pretty blue, black, yellow, blue pattern on my belly, my vitamins are taken, etc... I am given it my all. I have to pat myself on the back and DH's back too for having done the best possible job. Now the insanity of waiting continues.

You know in life when we want something so bad, but the view of the thing we want keeps moving further and further (is that the right way to say it?)away as we try and reach out and grasp the thing we so desire, that is how I feel. I sure hope I am able to grasp this BFP of the cycle on Thursday when I find out the results of this cycle. I want to take that + HPT and have it ready for DH when he walks in the door THursday night from his business trip. I am reaching hard for that HPT Thursday morning when I wake up and I hope to god it is that "something" I am so reaching for that is a positive result.

I hope, I wish, I pray, I toss and turn in bed until Thursday AM.

Ok, back to pogo and play some games to keep my mind busy.

Oh, I did some retial therapy shopping today. I finally bought a new pair of tennis shoes. I swear they are so over priced. New Balance is the brand. I went from Nike to New Balance to Nike and now back to New Balance. I hat that they are so expensive, but I do say they are pretty. Now to keep them white! Hahahahaha

Friday, November 04, 2005

yesterday.... up.... today ... down..... tonight.... better but not there yet

I was on my way to work today when I started a crying jag.... dang radio host was talking about caring listeners that adopt soldiers across seas.

Then I got to work and I was alone.. no co-worker to do her job so I had to do it. FUN not... just busy. Then I felt as though I had lost all hope in this cycle. Don't know what hit me, but man it was hard to hold back the tears at my desk.

Then around 3 pm I felt really bloated in the belly.. bloating for some reason made me feel better.. meaning my ovaries are obviously still swollen and that means my body is still in action to get these babies to implant.

Tonight is even better.. being online is therapy I swear to you.

Tomorrow? Well mom and I are going to a local craft fair to give her ideas of what she can put in her craft sale in a few weeks. She is good.. she sews and makes lots of stuff and has that fancy embroidery machine to use .. Fun. I hope to help her. Or maybe not if I am on bedrest from being pregnant. LOL

Thursday, November 03, 2005

oh the wait...

all I have to say is ....





tick tock

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

f*cking lawyers for Traffic tickets.

A failure to appear in court notice arrived in my home mail today. Well. I paid a Lawyers firm that specializes in traffic tickets to take care of this for me and what luck do I have? They failed to appear in court for me. ASSHOLES!

So now I have been given the warning from the City Of Rock Hill MO that if I don't appear in court on the 12th of December or pay the fines by 30 days from 10/24/05 (hello, those dates don't make sense!) then I will have a suspended drivers license and a warrant out for my arrest. Bahahahaha

Well, I will sure call that lawyers office tomorrow and CHEW THEM A NEW ASSHOLE. I can't take the point on my license. I can't take the raise in my car insurance premiums or else I would just pay the stupid fine. UGH. '

BTW, that Cop that pulled me over was a total DICK

Monday, October 31, 2005

3 is a good and lucky number

3 embies that is now residing in my 5 star condo....hehe

We had our hearts set on only putting back 2 embies, but after a good 10 minute discussion with Dr. A..... we went ahead and put back 3 health grade a 8 celled embies. Why you ask? Well when we did our last fresh IVF cycle in August last year with Dr. p... we put back 2 grade A 8 celled embies and did not get pg so we took Dr. A's advice and went with 3. I feel comfortable with that decision. I will hold onto hope that we will get one of those 3 to implant.

I have several others growing in the lab and should get a letter in the next few days on the idea if they were able to freeze a few or not. I am nervous, but am putting my hope in the hands of the 2 embryologists at Dr. A's office. Today we had the female embryologist hand over our catheter with the 3 beautiful embies to transfer. I think her name is jennifer. LOL.

I rested well after the transfer in the office and then came home to sleep for a good 3 hours after that. I am now on "Couch Potato" rest per Dr. A's instructions for 24 hours to come. LOL

Drinking lots of water. but for some reason, I can't get my hand out of the candy jar that DH is using to hand out candy to the wet and soggy trick-or-treaters. LOL Yup. they are out there.

Happy Halloween to my embies inside me and cheers to those in the lab trying hard to grow strong to be frozen.
I am off work tomorrow and will then go back to work Wed.

Next acupuncture appointment is tomorrow.

oh.. btw... we had to have my bladder tapped 2 times during this transfer. What a strange feeling.

oh yeah.. the phone just rang and had the RIGHT calller ID

We are to be at the office at 11:30 AM central time to pick up our babies.

I sure hope this 5 star condo is ready to pick up our babies and be the holder of them for another 8 months to come. One singleton would be nice.

Lord above hear our prayers.

until tomorrow. .....

tick tock.. tick tock

goes the clock... but wating the clock, it sure isn't making the dang phone ring any faster. LOL

I await that magical phone call to tell us if today is our transfer day or if we are to wait until Wednesday.

Fingers crossed for good news no matter what. I sure hope all of our 11 embies are growing strong. I hope and pray.

can you send some +++ vibes to the lab up on N New Ballas road?


Sunday, October 30, 2005

granted permission.... Nookie mentioned......

WARNING>> doing the duty, you know...... humping, metioned below<<<

Well, when in the recovery room after retrieval on Friday at SIRM St. Louis, the nice nurse came in to give us our discharge papers and instructions to get us to the day we are called for transfer to come in. Which by the way could be either tomorrow AM (Monday) for a 3 day xfer or Wednesday AM for a 5 day transfer. (btw, We have 11 beautiful embies growing in the lab!).... in those instructions we were told to have intercourse the night before the possible transfer. Soooo here is the senario and then I will talk about this issue of intercourse before the transfer.

Senario 1: If we are a go for a 3 day transfer Monday, my all so happy DH will get some NOOKIE tonight. Nope, I can't back out of it either since the doctor instructed this for our cycle. HA

Senario 2: No matter what, we must prep for Monday to be the transfer day, so Nookie is happening for us Sunday night (sure you need to know this, right?! bahahaha) BUT BUT BUT... if they call tomorrow and say no transfer for 3 day on Monday, come in Wednesday for a 5 day transfer..... well well well my DH will be a mighty happy camper in this household.... Why? because he will not only get NOOKIE Sunday night, but if we go to 5 day transfer instead he gets another INSTRUCTED round of NOOKIE Tuesday night too. OMG. He will be in heaven if that happens.

2 nookie sessions in one week possibly? huh? Really instructed by the doctor? (well the nurse actually, but you get the drift, right?) I mean DH will be loving every minute of it. My problem is that I just went through a VAGINAL retrieval of 19 eggs from these here ovaries. ALL I CAN SAY TO THAT IS OUCH and to add some nookie session or even two nookie sessions on top of that. OMG. PAIN... This DH of mine will be instructed by ME, the Wifey.... to be extra gentle and loving.

Well to discuss the theory behind the intercourse before transfer..... I asked the nurse why? She said Theory is that it can help get the uterus ready for implantation of the embies when put back in. IN A NORMAL COUPLES situation that don't need IVF like DH and I, Think of it this way, the sperm are in the uterus when the egg is in the tube as time passes then the left over sperm are in the uterus when the fertilized egg moves to the uterus to implant... so why not make it the most mimiced environment possible?! Yup.. That is how I think of it. LOL

Ok, not that you all need to know about your LOVE MAKING sessions, but I just had to jot this down. Interesting changes from the prior clinic we were with. LOL

Saturday, October 29, 2005

all vibes for good cleaving....

well after being very anxious today for THAT call to come in, you know... the call of fertilization rate..... I finally heard the phone ring today around 2:20 pm. WOW... that was a long morning and mid-day. But the sweet music and all telling caller-ID... I answered the happy phone call from SIRM St. Louis. COnnie was on the other end and asked How I was feeling. I told her Very anxious. hehe. Understandable. She said that yesterday we got 19 eggs and of those 19, 15 eggs were mature. Then the good news was that she said they embryologist confirmed today that we have 11 embryos growing strong in the lab. YEAH. Good cleaving vibes to our babies growing in the lab. (I thought we had 20 eggs, but that is ok.. it was a prelim report they gave me wheeling me out to the truck for DH to take me home)

Now comes the hard part. The WAIT. She told us to expect a call Monday AM (no specific time given, you know how hard that is to not know a time frame?) to get that call on whether we get to come in Monday for a day 3 embryo transfer or wait until Wednesday for day 5 transfer. I have mixed feelings about this issue. I want my embies back in me safe, but then again I want them healthy so if they make it to day 5 and blastocysts stage then we know for sure they are in great shape. SOOOOOO, the wait continues.

What does wait time mean? well for me it is excess time for my brain to churn up senarios, possibilities, worries, hope, crazy thoughts... etc. I am able to keep busy by surfing the internet, butt then I am also bored of TV. so what to do to pass the time? POGO.com has my vote. Word whomp and a few other favorites.

Oh.. bloatedness is abundant. I am pushing the water and also drinking gatorade. I hope for NO OHSS. google that if you want to know what it is. OUCH is all I can say.

DH and I were invited to a halloween party, but man I can't get myself to get up and shower and my belly looks 5 months pg at this point from the bloating so I think I will skip that party and just send DH and tell him to tell them I am working. YIKES> I hate that, but I hate missing the party. I won't be much of a party girl in pain so I will lay in bed all night and catch up on my TIVO'd shows. Desperate Housewives and Lost.

Kelly.. congrats on your US news.

Blessings to all.

Don't forget to turn back those clocks in the USA.

divide embies divide.

Friday, October 28, 2005

well.... from 12 follies we sure got a basket full of surprises...

not sure how many are mature, but I woke up from the best retrieval yet... NOPE< I DID NOT WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RETRIEVAL FOR A CHANGE.

a nice basket full of 20 eggs retrieved. I could not believe it... 12 follies and some lagging brought us 20 eggs? WOOOHOOOO

Now the long 24 hour wait.... fertilization call comes tomorrow around 12 pm.

I did have to get a benedry shot due to hives from either the anesthesia or the antibiotic by IV, but that was fine because I slept from 12 pm to 6 pm tonight.

I am so pleased. The process at this new clinic was fabulous. The staff and all were terrific. I don't even remember talking to the doc today. I got a shnot in the IV as soon as I got on the retrieval table and then 15 second later, I don't remember a thing. Thank goodness. I woke up to them reminding me to take a few deep breaths, but then I slept off and on in recovery.

Lets go embies... GO EMBIES GO.

oh.. for one nice surprise for DH.. he and I get to have intercourse the night before transfer which will be either Monday transfer or Wedneday day 5 transfer.
++++++++++++ I will update when they call tomorrow to tell us how many embies we have.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

1 little, 2 little, 3 little follies... keep singing

up to 12 little follies.....well, yup.. 12 follies ready to go and a few laggers ... that is for retrieval tomorrow(friday) am. we go the go ahead for trigger last night at 10:15 am and then retrieval is set for tomorrow at 9:45 am. YEAH.

I have most of the follies growing on the left side and that explain the reason my left side feels so heavy and sore. LOL

I am nervous, but I feel good about Dr. A's office and procedures. I had a friend tell me to not worry about being awake for retrieval at all. They give good drugs. Ahhhhhh

You would think that after 4 other fresh retrievals that I would not be one bit nervous, but I am. Chance is hard. But I have to put my faith in the clinic and the wonderful staff and Dr. A himself to bring us a good count of follies aspirated to bring a good number of eggs gathered. I pray for great quality and great fertilization. I pray that DH produces "HIS" good sample tomorrow!

I am so nervous. I am excited, I am sore, I am filled with JOY that this is possible.

Monday, October 24, 2005

churning is right on....

today I gave my most precious blood at 7:40 am. I then took a 1/2 day of vacation to fit in my first US scan. That US scan proved the real churning of follies in my belly.

Right ovary is producing 4 or 5 measurable follies between 12mm and 16 mm. I saw lots more smaller than that. Maybe some 10's and 8's lagging behind on the right side.

Oh then he went to the left side... YOUCH.. he had to push and then pull towards him to get the ovary in sight. He is so kind and asked if I was doing ok! Well, doc sure, It hurts, but if you get some good news to give me it is well worth the pain. LOL

The left side has brought us about 8 measurable follies. 12mm -16 mm's each. BUT behind those follies are about 8 more that are 8mm-12mm's in size so I am really churning them around.

My E2 level after 7 full days of stims was a nice 1700.

My lining is a nice pillow of 10 mm thick. I am to do the rest of my viagra suppositories tonight and into tomorrow AM. BTW, those thing are not bad at all. They leave a little residue like most vaginal suppositories, but I do believe that between the viagra and the acupuncture that I am doing, My lining has grown a nice size. I asked Dr. A what size lining he is shooting for and he remarked that a 10 is great and it could be a 11-12 mm by time we transfer. YEAH!

I am to do my 300iu of follistim pen tonight, 1 vial of repronex, dexamethasone and folic acid with PNV's. Then 5u of lupron in the AM, 300iu of Follistim in the PM tomorrow night but no repronex. Wednesday AM 5 u if lupron and then I go back in at 1 pm for b/w and US scan again. I asked Dr. A what he thought my schedule will be and it looks like we would possibly trigger Wednesday night and then retrieve Friday morning. Transfer will most likely be a 3 day again. Fine with me. I feel better having our babies back inside me instead of leaving them to grow in the lab.... Although I root them on for freezing if they are in the lab.

I am overall very pleased with this cycle. I am feeling the pain in the back by the kidneys from my ovaries working and churning up a nice respectable number of follies. I am feeling good today because I went into acupuncture and got a full work over for balance. Thanks Doc. And thanks to Kelly for listening to my hormonal blubbering self. I had a little tiff over the stims meds today not being covered, but I will make it through it for the rest of the cycle.

You know what I miss this cycle of all? My DH being involved. He has no duties yet in this cycle. Why? Well in previous cycles he had to give me my IM shots of Pergonal in the hips each day. Well this cycle he does not have to do that because the Repronex is a Sub q shot so I do both the follistim pen and the repronex shot myself. LOL

Last night's shot was done in the bathroom stall at my work. I had to. I was working a 5-11 pm shift after the day job and brought my cooler with my meds in them and then took them to the bathroom stall to do . Luckily nobody walked in while I was doing them. I did rush the shots a little and bled, but that only lasted a few minutes.

Today is good. Cheers to some nice follies on Wednesday and hopefully a trigger shot in the PM Wed night and then tentative retrieval on Friday day and transfer on Monday day. YEAH. PRAYERS that this all falls into place.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

churn babies churn...

the ovaries are sure churning with activity. YEAH.

b/w is at 7:40 am and then first follie US scan *YEAH< date with mr dildo cam* tomorrow at 1:40 pm.

go follies go.

Friday, October 21, 2005


or just lack of contact making me feel this way?

I know I can't compare my cycles between two different doctors, but I will say that I am still trying to get use to the idea that the monitoring between the two clinics is so different and I was so spoiled to so many US's in my first 4 IVF cycles from the previous clinic that it is hard to keep attached to this cycle so far.

I have yet to have a follicle check on my ovaries and I am on day 5 of follistim and day 2 of repronex. I do go in Monday at 1:40 pm to get my scan from the RE himself. YEAH. I go in Monday at 7:40 am for b/w to check my E2 levels and then at 1:40 to go in and check the follies by scan. I am just scared I guess. Scared of the possiblity that I have no follies or little follies growing.

Detached? well, I guess that might all change on Monday at the US. I have to keep reminding myself that this RE is a good one and he knows what he is doing, but the doubt always seems to interject into my mind that he does not "know" how "I" respond to stims. We have done one cycle with this clinic, but it was a frozen transfer cycle that ended in a chemical pregnancy in June/July of this year. I have to stop and look around me knowing that this new clinic and the staff are so very wonderful, knowledgeble too. I was so accustomed to having the staff support me at the other clinic that I only saw that RE(himself) 3 times in my IVF cycle up to the beta. First was the consult, second was retrieval and third was transfer. Whereas I see the doc at almost every appointment I have been to there, even if it is just passing him in the hallway on my way to give blood. HA. I love it.

I was on the way to work today and had a cough hit me. I coughed and then immediately wenched in a little bit of pain. It was a good thing though. You ask why? Well, that pain was from the pelvic region and it was a good sign that my ovaries are tender and filling up with at least a few follies. hehe. I can say that after having done 4 fresh cycles, I can feel and tell what my body is doing .. meaning, it IS ramping up on the follistim and repronex, but I just wonder now many follies. I know, I know.. quality over quantity, but heck I can't stand the wait. AHAHAHA

Today is DH's 41st b-day. Happy Birthday Sweetie. I hope you pick a good restaurant we can go out to dinner to. I know I have this inner feeling you will say "Chevy's" but hey, I am cool with that. I am up for a nice mexican trio enchalada plate. Although, I will have to pass on the NICE HOUSE MARGARITA since we are in the depths of our cycle. LOL I have to remind him about the beer too. oh joy, I get to make the birthday boy not so happy with not being able to drink a brew or two. Sorry dear, but I need your swimmers in tip top shape. hehe.

Ok, I am starting to really think about our 15th wedding anniversary next September. Why think about it now? Well, I told DH I wanted to go to Las Vegas and renew our wedding vows. He agreed and now it is time for me to start planning on the money and travel. I work for a travel company so I will see what they say about how far in advance I should book it. YEAH. VEGAS BABY, HERE WE COME. LOL. I know, I might just be planning way too far in advance, but I have to. I have to make sure we can go celebrate and I hope it is with our first born child in arms too.

Ok, did I put you to sleep yet? if so, Sorry. Just had lost to jot down.

Sorrry our Cardiac Cardinals did not bring the Championship to our house one last time before they tear it down.
Better luck next year in the New Bush Stadium

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

well well well.... hot flash, hot flash hot flash

I will get rid of these hot flashes in a few days time finally. Why, you ask? Well, I am on day 2 of Follistim for this cycle and that means that my E2(estrogen) levels are slowly climbing up. YEAH. Thus it will replenish my body with the much needed hormones that I have been stripped of from the dreaded LOOPY LUPRON. Day 2 of follistim was not bad at all. Yesterday's first shot was a little stingy(is that even a word?). I injected it when it was still a little cold and not at room temp. Well today's shot was much better. I left it sit out while I ate dinner with DH and that seemed to take the sting away from the shot.

Last night I did my shot in my car before I worked my 5-11 shift of overtime in the call center. I worked all day and then left to go to the other building and decided to do my shot in my car instead of the bathroom in the building. LOL Tonights shot was done in the comfort of my own house. Nice. But tomorrow nights shot will be done in the car again between buildings and shifts. hehe... What a story I get to tell my kid one day.

I am suppose to have a yard sale this weekend over at my sisters house but I don't want to haul all my stuff over there and then back if I don't sell it. Ugh. What to do? I need the extra cash to put towards the thought of having embies to freeze. I think the cost for that is 2000.00 and 2 or 3 hundred towards that from the profit of a yard sale would be helpful.

Well, I got no news from my BIL to see if he could get my speeding ticket fixed so I had to finally break down and call a lawyer traffic ticket firm. I hired a firm that is on Manchester in the City. I have heard good things and let me tell you the lawyer fee was only 40.00 comparned to T L C's 90.00 and 183.00 up front for court costs and ticket amendments costs. NO WAY.. they wanted money up front for something they had not done yet? not. so this other lawyer will go with my 40.00 payment for their services and then go to court and have the moving violation hopefully knocked down to a non-moving violation and then the cost will most likely be 150.0 or so for that and court costs. Crossing fingers that it is not more expensive than that. LOL Oh.. that gives me more reason to have that yard sale then. LOL

OK, off to eat a Tums(food day was great at work today for Boss's Week celebration).

night to you all and Cheers for some good follicle growth to happen in the next 4-5 days.


Sunday, October 16, 2005

Gotta love this weather.

Oh I am basking in the wonderful chilled house of ours this AM. I love it, open windows, and so chilly that the windo fans are turned off at bed time. Yeah.

I wish I were camping right now and out enjoying the turning and falling leaves of Fall time. I love cool weather. I love the crisp clean air in the early morning when I go to let the dogs out. Dew on the rails of the deck and nice wood fireplace smell in the air. Ahhhhh, I love Fall.

Speaking of Fall, do you have a winter wardrobe? I don't. I am hot blooded and need a fan on most of the year. I dress in short sleeves all year around and will then just add a sweater if I feel cold or a jacket if outside. I can't stand having a warm shirt on that I can't take down a layer. I often wear a ss t-shirt then a larger button up shirt on top of that, but I can't stand wearing things like turtle necks if I am not outside for a long period of time. Ice Skating I will wear them or when we do camp and are outside at the fire, but even then I rather put on a t-shirt, sweatshirt and then a coat in layers so when I do feel warm I can take down those layers. LOL How do you deal with your wardrobe?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

oh my ... good mood to a bad mood.

today was a very good day for the most part. A friend got her + from a donor embie cycle yesterday, I am very happy for her, then today I had a good morning and went to a few yard sales, went to get new eye glass lenses, then went to the great support group meeting by Dr. Jan DeMasters.

I left there, went to Schnuck's and StL. Bread Co to get items for tomorrows breakfast... then headed home. I got DH to go to K mart with me to get a few things and then BOOM, It hit me and hit me hard. A total 180 degree turn of my mood. I had a MAJOR hot flash while in Kmart with DH and I had to call him on his cell hpone and ask him to meet me and hurry up. I was not feeling well at all. I felt as though I had been dehydrated and started feeling heevish... (is that even a word?)

We headed home, ate dinner and now I feel better, but not 100%. I really wonder if this Lupron is doing this to me or did I just catch a nasty germ in the air that made me feel yucky for a few hours? I feel as though I could lay down and just lay there for 10 hours even without sleeping because I feel exhausted.

I am drinking my water.....I am resting as much as possible and I get to add in stimmulants on Monday!!! YIPPEEE.
Come on Ovaries, pay well for mommy and daddy.

Today was a good day, I blame all the bad things on the lupron! ahahahahaha

Cheers to a good day tomorrow: Although, I have to work 3-11 pm. Wow.

Cheers to some good powerball #'s too. hehe

Friday, October 14, 2005

ALL CLEAR (echo's down the train tracks)

train tracks that are the rollercoaster ride of my life.

ALL CLEAR is the equal to a green light to start stims on Monday the 17th for our IVF cycle. I have been on lupron since the 5th and AF is peeking her head in. I went in yesterday AM for my b/w and US for baseline. I am all clear. NO PESKY cysts. YEAH.

So, I walked in for my b/w and the nurse said "We have a few goody bags for you here" well those 3 bags contained my needles, Follistim Pen case, needles for the Pen, then a goody bag of Follistim, Repronex, Ovidril trigger shot, and some PIO. YEAH. I felt like I was trick-or-treating! That goody bag was a bag of GOLD if you ask me. Compliments of the INCIID the HEART scholarship program. So far this has been a small amount invested money wise.. 525.00 for anesthesia paid 2 weeks ago. about 320.00 for the Viagra suppositories and antibiotics for the retrieval and some Zanex(sp?). Then in hopes that we are blessed enough and have some embies to freeze this cycle.... that might cost us a bit. 2000.00 or more? not sure on that but I need to ask them just in case.

Minimal costs invested, but lot whole lot of EMOTIONS. I am scared. I am anxious, I am hoping and praying hard, I am , I am..... I am..... I want this cycle to work, I would love to be pregnant and share that with DH. I pray and ask God to bless us to get pregnant with a singleton and I sure hope that we are Blessed with that wish. I can't do twins due to history of miscarrying 2 different sets of twins from IVF's. I hope and pray we can get one to implant so my uterus can handle the stretching and not have the subchorionic bleeds as I did with the twin pgcy's. I hope and pray I can get pg and then enjoy being pregnant.

I took my friends advice and started Acupuncture this cycle. I went last night and really really enjoyed meeting the Doc. She is a chiropractor/acupuncturist. She went over my history and was very impressed I knew so much. She asked me if I was considering going into the medical field. I said Yes, I was. I said I would go to nursing school if I could afford it. But anyway.. she focused on my ovaries, uterine region, collar bones for stress, sinus region for stress and sinus pressure, then my head to touch on regions on my neck and back. I go back next Tuesday night and will also ask for an adjustment on my back. I can't wait. She told me not to expect to feel MAGIC when I walked out of there, but more of a feeling of a Balance in my body. I swear to you, after doing my deep breathing while doing the acupuncture, I was feeling so relaxed like I had just slept for 12 hours straight. I loved it. I am focusing on my blood flow through my body. Muscles working on relaxing, becoming whole again and feeling balanced and not out of whack. I like this. I wish I had tried it previous to now, but I am so glad Kelly referred me to the Doc's office.

I miss bloggin', I miss being able to come home and sit down and type out what I am thinking. I will work on at least blogging into an email to myself and post it quickly before I get home and go to bed after the 14.5 hours I have been working the last few weeks.

Oh, did I tell you about the great ticket I got? NO, not a F*cking concert ticket either... A nasty speeding ticket in Rock Hill MO. Jerk for a COP said I was doing 43 in a 30, but was going 5 miles an hour faster than the car in front of me. HELLO?! If I was going that fast and the guy in front of me was going 5 miles an hour Slower than me... duh, I would have hit the guy. Dumbass of a Cop he was. I want to fight it in court, but I can't afford to have the insurance get ahold of the ticket. Why you ask? Well, 3 things... My car accident in Dec '04 and DH's accident this past week. UGH. I have to go this week to get it fixed. I hope I can find a good ticket Lawyer. Court is the 24th and I have totally put this off since I have been working so much. Dang. OUCH on the cost too. OUCH. Me and my 50 lb foot will lay off the gas pedal more now. LOL

Ok, I hope you are are doing well in cyber land. Off to go browse the internet some and catch up.

GO CARDINALS. I have not given up on you and won't. I hope the FAT lady does not SING for us this year and allow us to bask in the shadow of that World Series Trophy.

damn, I miss this place.

so much so that I have been left speechless. LOL

No, I have lots to update, but will do so later tonight... tune in!

Friday, October 07, 2005

I miss the internet...loopy on lupron

Gosh.. how crazy is that? I am lost without being able to visit my regular sites on the internet.. with working these long crazy hours I am stuck without access to YOU all. LOL

Day 3 of lupron... going camping... I have to work Sunday afternoon after camping, but at least I get to get away for a few days. Adults only weekend! YEAH.

Blessings to you all. Prayers to everyone.

CHeers until next week.

I am alive, I am here, just not here on this page as much as I want to be.

Can't wait until Next Wednesday's LOST episode.

off to go smell up my clothes of a nice camp fire and a margarita or two. yum

Saturday, October 01, 2005

did you miss me? I missed you all and the internet

well, I am done with 3 straight weeks of working 68-70 hours each. I am now only going to work Sunday nights 3-11, Monday nights 5-11 and Wednesday nights 5-11. I will still pull some nice OT since I work 8:30-4:30 M-F at the day part of the job, but as long as they are offering the OT I am taking it up to the retrieval week of our cycle. I will take that week off of the night part of the job for OT so I can focus on the retrieval and xfer the week starting the 28th of Oct!!!

I start lupron this Wednesday AM, I am still on bcp's and will be until the 9th. I am going to do follistim, repronex, viagra suppositories, dexamthasone and viatmins in the stim phase. I will then do PIO shots and E2/p4 suppositories in the 2ww. FUN.

I was feeling very very numb to this cycle, but for some reason today I have been given a boost in the good feelings department. I think it is because I saw several mom's that were formerly in the IF support group here in town. We walked for Natalie on the SLU campus here in St. Louis for cancer research. Natalie is an inspiration, battling breast cancer, she hugged me and told me she had a great feeling for DH and I with this IVF cycle. She inpires me to keep my hope no matter what we are faced with. Amazing. I am praying hard for her to get good news that her cancer is shrinking even more when her next visit comes along. It was so good to see Natalie, Lisa, Vicki, and Michele. I love you all. You remind me that my goal is to become a parent in all this. You all showed me that again today how strong that goal is now.

I miss browsing the internet. I miss reading all your blogs and updates online. I miss my cycle buds. YEAH.. It is finally OCTOBER.

Lets see, this month entails..... sadly 2 anniversaries of the losses of both sets of twins we miscarried. First anniv of the frist set of twins is on the 7th, that was from IVF#2 loss in 2002. Second loss of twins was on the 10th in 2003. I miss my angels. On a better note, we are camping next weekend(Adults only weekend). DH's 41st bday on the 21st. Oh and lets not forget.... OUR IVF cycle. Transfer might possibly be on HALLOWEEN hehe.. Thanks Vicki... that is a good day for a transfer.

Oh, btw, GO CARDINALS.............WE ARE THE CARDINAL NATION.............. GO CARDINALS. Tomorrow is the last regular home game in BUSH stadium ever. Sad, but I can't wait to go to the new ball park that is already 1/3 of the way done. We went to the game today and sat in the bleechers and had a blast.


Friday, September 23, 2005


I took the day off. I have worked 67.5 hours last week and this week I put in 62.5 hours. I am off tonight so I can join my family camping at Mark Twain Lake for the weekend. Ahhhhh, feel the relaxing. Work is good. I took to the phones last night by myself after the phones got busy and took my mentor off to take her own calls. I think I did ok. I am still unsure of some things, but they will be learned over time.

Yet again, some of our offices in LA are in the path of this next hurricane, but not directly so far. If the hurricane stays west of the TX/LA line then we should be ok. Prayers to everyone involved in both states.

As far as the IVF cycle, I go in today at 3 pm to get my calendar to go over our cycle of when we start lupron, stims and such. I expect to do retrieval around the 28th or 29th of Oct. and possibly a Halloween day transfer!

I am getting excited, but also staying reserved to an extent. Being the 5th IVF fresh cycle, I am prepped on the most part of what to expect, but this is a new clinic for this fresh cycle so I am anticipating a few things to be slightly different.

I miss bloggin' I miss you all. I miss being online but I can't do that from work as they monitor us there now. Dang.

Next week should be a good week except for work..... WE found out yesterday that things are changing at our place of business.... merging with several other clubs and this could bring on LAYOFFS. I hope and pray that my job is not in the path of layoffs. If and only IF my boss RETIRES early then I would be in harms way, but you never know so my guard is up. With this hurricane and such costs of cleanup and claims, I fear layoffs of our sales force and travel departments. BUT if we merge with a company that already has an IT staff support then we would be in trouble. UGH. I hate limbo. I have to call into my co-worker in about an hour to see what the president said in their memo and MEET THE PRESISENT briefing meeting we are all attending over the next 3 days. I don't go to that meeting until Monday, but should know what is going on when I call my work to get the Email update. Wish us luck. I can't go without working. I have to know if we are secure in our jobs for now. We sure don't need this stress going into a cycle. HA.

More later or on Sunday when I get back from camping.

Bottoms up.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

14 years.... really?

this past week, my husband and I celebrated (well not really since I worked all day and night at the job) our 14th wedding anniversary.

Sept 14th, 1991 was a VERY VERY HOT DAY. 94 degrees in ST. Louis. HOT, HUMID, with a church wedding (grade school church I grew up at) and a reception for 200 in my parents back yard on the same street as the church. St. Margaret of Scotland Church. A typical Catholic reception that killed 4 1/2 barrels of beer and 6 cases of cans of beer too. LOL Ask DH about the beer bongs he did that night at our reception.. ask him if he remembers ME driving his sad drunk ass to the hotel after the reception?! BUT he does rememeber what we did that night. HA

So since we did not get to celebrate our 14th anniversary together.... we are going to go to Las Vegas next year in 2006 to celebrate the HUGE milestone of 15 years. We will renew our vows. We will be remarried in an ELVIS chapel .... not sure which one... we will have a blast!

Happy 14th anniversary my dear hubby.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

changes are sometimes not beneficial

I made more work for myself and I hate that.

I changed my name on this blog so I can reply with a name related to my blog and to have an email attached. Well, when I did that, for some odd reason (user problem obviously but don't want to admit it,LOL) I locked myself out of my own blog. Damn. LOL I had to work all week long from 8:30 am to 11 pm so my brain was fried this week and it took me until tonight to remember my damn sign-on and my password. I still could not remember my password so I had to request to change it. Doh.

Work is ok.. I am tired when I get home, but so tired that I am wired awake from the 11:30 home time to the falling asleep time of 1 am. I averaged 5 hours a night of sleep after being gone from the house for nearly 16 hours. BUT.. the big PLUS to this all is that my check is FAT with OVERTIME. I know, I know, Uncle Sam will have a nice chunk of that OT, but at least I will see some of it and at least I can count on that money being used against my out of pocket costs for the I N C I I D T H E H E A R T cycle of IVF. I am thrilled to know that we have minimal costs out of pocket. About 550.00 for the anesthesia, about 200 for meds for both DH and I, about 2000.00 for freezing and yes, I have hope that we have a chance at freezing some embies out of this all. I won't be crushed if we don't, but I will remain with hope for that to happen.

GOOOO CARDINALS. YEAH.. they CLinched today. It was fun watching the celebration in the clubhouse at Wrigley field. Shame we could not clinch here, but that is ok,,,, we will be here celebrating soon enough.

DH and I are going to the second to last game of the season on October 1st. I can't wait. I wish we could have gotten ticket for the last game, but I am going to beg DH to go down to the stadium on the 2nd and stand outside the gates and just listen to the game on a radio. At least we can say we were there for the LAST game. LOL we might have to get there EARLY to do that, but I am game. We also heard today that the current Bush Stadium will not be imploded.

ok, back later.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

" Where were you when ________ happened?"

That is a question that seems to happen in different generations past, present and future.

My generation, "Where were you when the planes hit the World Trace Centers? "

See, I was not even born when Kennedy was Assassinated. So the question falls on me of where where you when.......

I was on my way to work listening to the local dj's when all of the sudden they said.. "Folks, you will not believe what we just heard about on the tv(they had in TV in studio watching the Today Show). They had seen the footage of the smoke coming out of the frist tower hit. I was in the parking lot when they said this. I rushed inside and turned on the radio again. Immediately told my boss what was happening and then my co-worker too. We rushed to log onto the internet and see if there was news of the craziness. I then proceeded to go down to the LHM chapel and say a few prayers. By this time they had a TV in their chapel and were watching and I looked up and GASPED.. It was the second plane going into the second tower. I about fell to the ground in shock. I was holding my hands over my mouth to hold in the screams. I was horrified. I saw that plane glide right into that building. I immediately said "terrorists" out loud along with 4 or 5 others in the chapel. I called my husband to make sure he was watching and he was and his voice cracked "This is a bad thing".

My Gosh, What was happening? Well, the rest of the day unfolded in tears. Every time I heard a new radio report, or possilble plane crashes(about 50 warnings happened that day throughout the day) then the Pentagon, then the other plane that crashed. We were under attack. I could hear the helicopters flying about outside my windows, Fighters jets were scrambled from Lambert Int'l Airport. All Air Traffic ceased then. I was listening to the radio when the DJ's said they saw the building crashing down. All they were saying was "OMG, the building is coming down" what a chill that ripped through my body. I thought that we were in trouble throughout our land. Again more reports of possible plane hijacking came across the wires, but really it was false alarms of planes that had not landed yet. I ran downstairs again to watch the TV and that was when the 2nd tower collapsed. I again covered my mouth with my hands to restrain from screaming out loud. I said to myself that we are going to have thousands dead and O s a m a was responsible for this. I said that to a co-worker and they thought I was crazy.

I watched the news channels for days, weeks, months and just cried. I donated through work for relief funds. I said my prayers and I felt helpless in all this.

I don't know anyone personally that was involved with the actual events, except a friend of my boss that worked at an affiliated club of ours. That friend of my boss asked us to just Pray.

Prayers can't completely heal the pain, but I know I did what I could and I know it helped someone somewhere in one way or another.

My boss visited Ground Zero a year later and brought back pictures of the nearly cleaned out hole that remains from the towers, but I could not say I felt the pain of those that are directly touched by the losses of their friends, family, etc.. I was sad, I ached, but I can't imagine what they all went through that day and weeks to follow.

I say a prayer again for those that were lost, for those that lost, and for those that still hurt.

9/11 Never forgotten

Sunday football kickoff..... Are you a Sunday Football Widow?

Do you become a widow on Sunday's and Thurday nights for Pro Football or even Saturday's for College Football?

Well, I am lucky and can say that I am not a football widow. In fact my husband (dh) is on the couch snoozing right now. He is not a huge fan of football. He watches it, but could miss a game a not be upset.

Are you a FOOTBALL SUNDAY WIDOW? Does your DH take off to the buddy's house and have their Sunday afternoon football party without you?

My family mostly comprises of Baseball fans. GO CARDINALS, METS ARE POND SCUM. SOme of our family comprises of Hockey fans, well you all know we have tainted tastes in our mouths from this past FAILED hockey season. Some are Nascar Fans. .... very few are Football fans.

Are you a Widow on Football Sunday's?

Saturday, September 10, 2005

mouth watering...............

DH and I camp, but we don't rough it. We camp with a travel trailor. We have had long nights on an air mattress and went sleepless in a tent so we had decided back in 1999 to buy a pop up camper. We then upgraded from that to a 19 foot pull behind travel trailor (paid off and made money on that trade) to upgrade yet again to a 31 foot trailor. I love it. It is paid for due to the fact we are in this scholarship program and that freed up our funds from our tax refund this year and put it into our 31 foot coachman and we are surely enjoying it, thank goodness we sold the 19 foot trailor on Ebay!!! Most importantly, we can take our doggies and they live in it like luxury. We humans don't spent much time in it since I am a camp fire lover myself so the dogs rule the roost there.

What made my mouth water today? well, we went to The Mills Mall today and enjoyed the 95 degree heat, NOT, to climb in and out of at least 150 different travel trailor models on the grounds from the dealers and then enjoyed walking up into and sitting in the BUS luxury house on wheels. That one ran about the price of 280,000 dollars. OMG.. It was DA HOUSE......... I was in heaven.. but I can only imagine the gasoline that goes into a tank in that thing. LOL

We can't buy anything now, not at least for 2 or 3 years, but it is fun going and seeing the NEW ideas manufacturers have when putting together a new travel trailor.

One day.


Friday, September 09, 2005

and the flood gates opened..... Who said this was a SCHOLARSHIP program anyway?

Well, the flood gates of bills came falling upon my house today. The billing company for Dr. A (fertility doc) send DH and I two individual bills for our last visits. DH's SA =$230.00 Well, we have not had to pay for these b4. So why the hell are we getting billed for this now. So now I get to call the billing coordinator and bioth her out. Man, I just knew this windfall would happen.

Sooo, then the second envelope is mine and addressed to me for my sonohystiogram(sp?) aka fluid US. Well... after reading about 8 lines of different costs... the total of the billing comes to 1350.00. Yes, ONETHOUSANDTHREEHUNDREDFIFTYDOLLARS AND ZERO CENTS. HELLO?! I have diagnostic coverage insurance for IF. WHY THE HELL are they billing me for this? WTF? I was to only pay for the 50.00 office co-pay my insurance requires that I pay for diagnostic coverages.

This boils my blood. Makes my head steam. I have to sit here all weekend and look at these fucking bills and STEW over them all weekend. I HATE THIS. Sure... I can call them on Monday and ask them to resubmit them, but I just feel the backlash I will be getting from the billing coordinator saying "No, You must submit them to the insurance company for reimbursement, so pay us NOW!" ..... BIOTCH.. I can't pay you now. I pay higher premiums for my insurance and thus I have NO cash to give you right now.

So... what will the ramifications be if we can't pay this money to them up front to wait for me to submit the bills to insurance (which I will surely as hell fight tooth and nail for them to submit them NOT ME!) well the ramifications will be that we would need to postpone the cycle due to having to figure out billing problems first before we can do our GRANTED//// SCHOLARSHIP ITH program cycle.

This calls for a Ring-a-ding-ding to the DOCTOR himself. I am furious and I don't need this stress in prep to my cycle. I am less than a month away from starting lupron and this happens?! WTF

Oh Go ahead and wash my mouth out for being such a sailor potty mouth, I DON'T CARE.
I am PISSED OFF. What do they think? My FUCKIN' insurance card in in the folder photo copied and STAPLED to the font page so how can you miss it? And if this justifies cancelling my cycle now and moving it until the NEW YEAR, I will go BALLISTIC. I will open a can of WHOOPASS on this chick that thinks she is smart to just go ahead and bill this raging hormonal ANGEL of a woman (me) right now.

Ok, deep breath....

Better... ahhhhhhhhhh

OK, I am better. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I am going to chat with a few fellow Scholarship buddies to see if they had such bad billing problems in prep to a virtually FREE IVF cycle. LOL

(i n c i i d t h e h e a r t program)

This clinic has offered their services up to those reciepients and should know better than to PIIIISSSSS us off. hehe... I am not made at the program, just the billing situation like this.

if you want more details... leave your email address and I can answer any questions you might have.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

the irony of birth control pills.

when a girl comes of age these days, it is a common thing to have them put on bcp's at a young age. That is a story I will stray from with my comments,except that I was one of them due to excessive bleeding in my AF's... not because of being sexually active :0.

Well, after taking them for nearly 15 years, I went off bcp's to get in gear for ttc.

While on them, I gained weight, but never had symptoms of PCOS or Endometriosis. So in a way it was good for me, yet evil to me all those years.. meaning it would catch up to me eventually for holding off those PCOS and Endo problems all those years. I also had a septated uterus and did not know it, my STUPID OB said it was just because I was the Unlucky girl that had heavy bleeding... well if the dumbass would have done an ultrasound, they would have known I had a septated uterus and PCOS too. ENdo is not something that is detectable by US.

My GOODDOCTOR OB/gyn I have now said that it is true that my Endo could have started because I had retrograde bleeding through my tubes into my abdomen for many years due to the excessive bleeding with each AF I had. With my severe Septated uterus, I had Double the amound of endometruim tissue to bleed out each cycle. Mind you I would use about 3 boxes of 40 count tampons and about 40 pads doubled up for 8-10 days while bleeding from my period each month. EACH MONTH. That blood not only came out vaginally, but it came out into my abdomen all those years and is most likely the culprit for my severe stage IV endometriosis and badly damaged tubes *thus 2 tubal ectopic pregnancies*.

Sorry I am rambling.. but my point in all this is that in order to suppress my endo and pcos, it is suggestive I be on bcp's 24/7 356 days a year.

Today I am on week 3 of my bcp's in prep to my 5th Fresh and Final IVF cycle. I have not had one symptom of PCOS and Endo pains. BUT... after I get off them to start lupron... BOOM.. there every symptom will be again. soooooooooo what is the temporary cure for this? GETTING PREGNANT.

Yes... BCP's can be beneficial and yet used to help get me pg! bahahahahaha

does this all make sense?