a floating we will go a floating we will go

for the fluid US that is. I hope the results are clear... nothing wrong with this here ute so I can proceed with the prep to the fresh IVF cycle in October.

October 24th week is only 2 MONTHS away. YEAH.

The pain from the fluid ultrasound is semi-painful, but I take tylenol before and the pain usually only lasts about 20 minutes... Think of the worst AF craps you can get (mine are pretty nasty bad) and take that for 20 mins. It is funny because I know what I am looking at on the screen. I hope it is good news.

Oh, who the Hell told me to book this Fluid Ultrasound at 8:30 am on my day off? LOL At least I get it over with early and I can then go play for the day.

I am then off to go return some books for cash refund to the book exchange at the local Community College. I have yet to sign up for my HTML class but I expect to do that with the funds that are returned to me from the book buy back program. My class is a 1 credit hour and does not start until Nov 2005. 5 week class so I hope the homework is not too bad. Maybe this will help me be able to design my own web site off of here. hmmmmm

Thankful.....

Thankful I am ....

I am thankful I am in a wonderful marriage, sure we have had our off times, but IF has brought us closer together.

I am thankful my puppies love me no matter what. even if I scold them, they come nudge me to love them 5 minutes later.

I am thankful I have access to the internet. ALL the IF blogs are life savers.

I am Thankful for CHOCOLATE while I am PMS'n and on my AF.

I am thankful that I have such a wonderful support group system in St. Louis. Resolve, Dr. Jan DeMasters, doctors, friends, family.

I am thankful we have a roof over our heads.

I am thankful the weather is not too far from being near the low 80's again. YEAH. Come on Fall.

officially on my way....

Today is cd 3 and I am on day 1 of my bcp's in prep to my IVF cycle in October.

I am ready to get into this. I have been keeping a hopeful mind and working on dropping some unwanted lbs. I gained from the FET / Chemical Pregnancy cycle. I lost 7 lbs since the 8th of August. I have been low carbing and eating high proteins and foods containing folic acids. I looked into some yoga classes and might do a beginners class if it does start soon at www.yogastlouis.us 8 session beginners for 108.00, is that steep in price or ok? I love yoga and I get a great workout from it since I am not in the best of shape and mega skinny. LOL

Today was a good day. DH's side of the immediate family went to the St. Louis Cardinals baseball game and sat in the very top row of the stadium. Thank goodness it was in the shade up to the 8th inning. The Cards fell short of winning, but it was fun. Nice to be out with all of them including the MIL.

Speaking of MIL's... do you get along with your MIL?

Wednesday is a day of vacation so I can go in and have my saline sonogram or fluid ultrasound as some call it. This will determine if I am ready to fully moving forward to this October 24th week of the IVF cycle.

I hope you are all doing well in the winddown of the summer days.

Camping in 2 weeks for DH's family reunion at Babler State Park. FUN.

Prayers needed please for a friend(cancer ment)

A friend (I will call her N for now, I will post her name later when I know she is ok with it) from the local Resolve group who graduated from fertility treatments and has a 4 year old daughter and twin 2 yr olds..... was just diagnosed in the last few weeks with breast cancer. She is 37. I am shocked for her and her family, but this has got to be so hard on her and her family moreso.

I am asking for you to send out prayers for her and her family. After such a hard struggle to finally have a family after infertility treatment, she has to now go through and beat cancer !

I will post a link to her site as soon as it is up and running.

Can I ask you to light a candle for strength for her and her family in this time of need? Can you offer a prayer? Can you offer a positive thought for her? Something of any sorts is welcomed. I do believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer if you are the praying type.

I wonder what one person must go through in life and by gosh, this is something you would never wish upon anyone. My father died at a very young age of 49 in 1995 from Lung, Liver and bone cancer so I know the ramifications of cancer, but I hope and pray that our friend N's breast cancer is beatable. I offer my time to her to come over and help with the kids, the house, anything! The local mom's club has helped keep them filled to the brim in the freezer with meals for the next few months so I was thinking of pitching in with some friends that mutually know her and buy her a gift certificate to the local cleaning company to help come in and clean.... her house is HUGE compared to mine so I am sure the help would be appreciated.

Lord above, hear our prayers and positive thoughts and pass them onto N and her family.

tears

I like her, I like her not

AF that is.... She is a welcome sight today, well not really, but you all know we need her today to start bcp's this weekend as scheduled. Today is CD1 so I start bcp's on Sunday and then go in Wednesday AM for a Saline Sonogram. Then I am to get my calendar set up for the fresh IVF cycle. Thanks! Things are moving forward and in a positive way. Now if we can just keep my body in a cooperating mood we will be set then.

I went to the Pain Management Center here in town today. I received the first visit free...Evaluation for my back and neck pain. No xrays .. maybe next time, but that key word is NEXT TIME... Is it worth it? I got a deep tissue massage and then electrolysis on my back and man I can tell you I so miss this therapy like this. Back in 1989 I was broad-sided in my car by an idiot that ran a stop sign at Compton and Shenandoah streets. That put me in a bad way with my back. 11 pinched nerves and major whiplash. I went to the chiro for 3 years and had to quit due to no more coverages by insurance and no settlement yet on the accident. The idiot that hit me was uninsured! BOZO. Soooooo, I am not in a good way with insurance again because they require a deductible of 500.00... well really it is 1250.00 from my wonderful (NOT) insurance company, but I can work something out for payments on the 500(the chiro office eats the different between that!). I can then go for xrays and major adjustments and more massages and electrotherapy!!! Those pads on the back that stimulate you are just wonderful. ahhhhhhh

Ok, I am off to go veg on the couch as AF is being very mean with the cramps again. Must be the Endometriosis growing again. JOY.

Oh.. tomorrow I will promise to post more about the fellow friend that went through IF and now has breast cancer.


Blessings. Stop today and look around you and appreciate all that you have... Mind, Body, Soul, Health, family, friends, etc.... Sometimes we forget to stop and smell the goodness in these things. Simplicity is key to our survival... not materialistic things.

Peer Chat session....

Ahhhh, I so like our local peer support group in town. WOW. Thanks Amy! It is such a great place to be able to just let it out ... our feelings for the week about IF, family, friends, work, etc...

What would I have done without support in town to help get through this IF?? I WOULD BE INSANE. DH would have had to take me to the local State Hospital! (which btw is not very far from my house!)

There is another support group in town this weekend, but it is professionally led by a therapist. It is also a great place for IF support. If you want details, please post in the comment section and I will give details.

I meet so many neat people and have been able to gain such great friendships through it all too. Since IF takes our so called Friends away from us (well, we really learn who our true friends are in the outside of IF world!) it is hard to gain new friendships when many of the outside world don't get IF. We tend to draw ourselves back from public situations when going through IF.


Ok, stopping the rambling. I will be posting an important post tomorrow... it is about someone that went through IF and had 3 kids, but is now suffering from Cancer. I will focus on that tomorrow. I have shed many tears today in silence at my desk and will continue to do so until she is cured!

Blessings to us all.

until then....

Go ahead and Tatoo "Baby" on me

Let first start by saying I hate SPAM mail ... HATE it with a passion, but sometimes I get caught up in just reading the subject title to find out what june list I have been added to.(no, I don't open them!!! )

NOW I am getting.... ANYTHING Baby related.

B... Win free diapers for 5 years
B.... enter the Diaper award contest today
B......Let us help you name your baby
B.......Do you need a stroller for your baby
B........Do you want to win formula for a year
B.........

How about B..... YOU WILL GET PREGNANT WITH THIS NEXT CYCLE AND WILL CARRY TO TERM!! I need that kinda baby stuff first. HELLO?! I have to have a baby to use those FREE diapers for 5 years, I have to have a baby to let you HELP me name my baby! bahahahahahaha.... WTF?

newest discovery.... links for other blogs/sites

I finally, after hours of research and trying my fingers at programming, have figured out how to incorporate links on this blog to other blogs and other sites. Yeah..... scroll down below "archives".

YEAH.

HTML class here I come. I signed up for class for November for some programming. YEAH.

DH has this ability to attract

A trip to wallyworld (wallmarttttt) today brought a new recognition to me today. DH was walking through the pet supply isle and said to me , "hey, look at that cutie" .. I tured and saw a little 1-1.2 yr old in a cart seat with her mom and dad.... she was just smiling at DH. She was batting her eyes at him. He said she was the cutest little girl. Of African American decent and had the most beautiful curls up in pig-tails. She was smiling at us and even waved at DH.

This confirms my thoughts on DH's ability to be a wonderful father in the near future. He had this knack of being a teacher of sorts and I think that will enrich his experience in the future of being a daddy when we finally have our baby in arms.

DH is able to see the pain of the IF, but yet has this great attitude that infects me too and makes me smile at little toddlers/infants/kids like that now. Sure, some days are hard, but moreso I am able to smile at the sight of precious miracles.

Today was a good DH and I day that we spent at Wallyworld, Target(say it with the accent of Tarje) and then Big lOts.... Oh and Walgreens. It was a good day, but we spent lots of moohlah .. yikes.

Ok, Day ?? of provera and spot has gone away and I am feeling ok. Opps, be back later... I forgot to get something at Walgreens..

Have a wonderful afternoon.

I swear we should patition the gov for a 4 day work week and 3 day weekend. hehe

day one of Provera since AF can't seem to find me

when I need her. LOL

is nowhere in sight so I called the office and talked to my new cycle coordinators voice mail. She called me back in about 5 minutes. She told me to pick up my script of provera tonight and start them asap. 2 pills a day for 5 days and then AF should show in 3-5 days after that. I am to then call them with CD 1 for what I don't know, but then to start bcp's this next cycle to keep me on track for the cycle groups for October. YEAH.

Remind me, what is provara like? I use to take it and it was for 10 days one pill a day and that was bad enough... made me a biotch and bloated... what will happen with taking it 2pills a day for 5 days? Will the symptoms be even worse even quicker in time? LOL

tick tock tick tock... waiting is the name of the game

75 days and counting... can you figure out what I am counting down to?

it is on this page!!!

Well, did you figure out what the countdown is for?

GO CARDINALS (not related to my countdown, but rooting them on to a great rest of the year and PLAYOFFS too)

when my SIL calls for no reason you know what comes next..... (pg ment)

well at first it was no reason

yup... she called me out of the blue! Just to chat. Well, they do owe me money for babysitting but she did not even mention that. So about 10 minutes into our converstation, she said to me "Well we have some news to share" ..... Yup, you guessed it, they are pregnant with #3 due in March 2006. SIL and my Bro tried 13 years for my nephew... had him after many rounds of surgeries and naturally trying,.... then they went on to have an OOPS pgcy with my niece who is now 2 years old(newphew just tured 4). So they will have 3 under the age of 6.

DH was not home at the time of the call so when he walked in I shared the news with him. He kinda took it as a stab. OUCH. We have been trying now for 6.5 years and no luck carrying to term( I do not wish to go 13 years for ttc#1!!!). I do wish them luck as does DH, but man, can we have a turn at having the next new baby in the family after she has this one?! Really!

I instantly got the gut feeling that now my sister and bil will be next with pgcy .. I just found out last month that they are using clomid to ttc again.. Her 4th child their 2nd child if it happens. They are on vacation now and I bet .. just bet she will come back and have news to share with us in the next 2-4 months too. If not, mark my words wrong then.

I really am happy for them, but again it is the question of "WHEN IS IT OUR TURN?" I know, many have told me that it will happen when the Lord is ready for it to happen for us, UGH.... @@@@@@ those are my eyes rolling!

Ok, off the pity party.... I don't want Pity.. JUST AS MUCH LUCK AS YOU ALL CAN SEND OUR WAY. DH deserves to be a daddy, he will be a great dad soon. HOPEFULLY sooner than later!

Wow, just realized I am only 2 months and 16 days away from Retrieval week! WOW. Ok, need to get my butt in gear. higher protein and less carbs and some yoga again to boot.

Thanks for listening. Some of you out there might not understand my post, but some might. Thanks, no matter what!

we kept our mouths shut. Clueless people and IVF...

August 6, 2005. DH and I are camping with a group a people we met through camping(fun story, but for later days). We all decided, after lunch yesterday, to pack up the river chair and coolers and head down to the rock beach down at Meramec State Park camp grounds. It was a wonderfully summer afternoon after some drizzle and thunder rolling around us in the AM. There were about 6 kids ranging from the age of 1.5 to 14 or so, they were off playing and having fun in the rocks and catching minnows. The adults, about 12 of us, were all sitting in our chairs in the water watching the drunks floating down the river. After about 1 hour, the conversation turned to a subject that made DH and I face each other and raise our eyebrows and just grit our teeth and zipped our lips to NOT say anything. Mind you the fellow camper adults know nothing about our IF history. The started talking about people and how irresponsible they are when they go and use fertility treatments to have babies. Then they got on the subject of "OMG, I would never do that to have a baby and ESPECIALLY 3 or 5 babies". Again, DH and I kept ourselves hidden under our sunglasses and kinda acted like we did not care about the conversation. We did not even say a word. Luckily the subject changed in about 10 minutes time. Something distracted their conversation and they went off on another tangent.

DH and I got in the car to hop back over to the campsite and we just shook our heads at each other and both said "THEY JUST DON'T GET IT". Meaning, little did they know that they were in the company of two people that have no choice but to use IVF to try and have a child. TUBELESS in St. Louis is my title and that means I lost my tubes to 2 different ectopics! BUT we both understood that if they had all known our IF history they might not have even dove into that conversation. If they had known of our history, then you sure bet I would have been in the water splashing them a whole new view!

Our lives are filled with people that either know ALL our history if IF or NONE at all. I told DH that if the question "Why don't you all have kids yet?" comes up then I will open up and let them know what we are going through to become parents. ALl of them had kids. The one lady even has a sister that has been a surrogate for some other couple. Man, I wish I could afford that. Surrogacy is a very likely way we could have a child or two, but we cannot AFFORD the costs of a gestational surrogate. Meaning we can't afford the fees associated with a surrogate that we don't know. 30,000 is a common dollar figure for just their fee. Then I have to pay for IVF to retrieve my own eggs... another 10,000-12,000 dollars. Yup, I joke you not.

Anyway, I am back to the real working world tomorrow. I am almost done with Harry Potter then I will pick up my Three Junes book and read it for the local book club that we started with fellow friends that went through and are going through IF. It is a fun distraction.

ok, I will try and post a picture tomorrow of what my puppy (8 mos old) "Sadie" did to my house on Thursday day! OMG.. she is in the DOGHOUSE.

until tomorrow.

visitors near and Far..............

85 United States United States
1 Ireland Ireland
1 Canada Canada
1 Saudi Arabia Saudi Arabia
1 Australia Australia

those are the hits from the countries that lurkers visted from today on my blog (last 24 hours)

I would be so lost without my (IF) Friends that understand me

You, you know who you are. Your are my friends that went and are going through infertility and just "GET IT". I am so thankful for you!

You out there lurking, you out there reading this and understanding the very moments in life going through IF that can lead any normal person to insanity, you understand that that friendship makes us remain on the edge of SANITY. Sometimes precariously on the cliff edge, but somehow we can find that support within each other to keep from falling and falling hard 99 % of the time.

The support groups in this town are wonderful. Resolve St. Louis and Dr. Jan DeMasters are two wonderful support groups in town. If you need any help with finding one or more of either support groups, post here an leave your email address, I will then email you the info you wish for.

One-on-one meet up. These are also a life saver. Thanks Kelly! Dinner tonight was wonderful. Sorry my cousin kept interrupting. LOL

My Husband is a great support also. Over the last few years he has become a compasionate listener. He is also thankful for my support groups I can attend too. The one from Dr. Jan is open to couples and he has gone a few times. Also the Resolve group that meets for ConverSation and cookies is also open to couples. YEAH.

It helps to have my DH on the same page as I. I would be lost if not. He gets IF and the pain it causes, although sometimes I have to read it from his moods, actions, etc... but he is wonderful. Sometimes in the support groups I offer him to others that might not have that some support and compasion from their DH's. I feel for you if you are in that situation.

I can't go to either support group this week, but Thank goodness most of the meetings are spread throughout the month so I can make at least one or two.

THANK YOU. Sometimes words don't cut it, but I am sure you understand.

THANKS for being here, listening, advice, etc..

Thinking that I am not on the "IN" of the crowd

Not the norm, not the one that likes to blogityblogblog my thoughts. I can think them, but never seem to be able to type these thoughts down here. Let me try this. I need a question of the day. I will try that for a few weeks. I need to reveal one new thing about myself that you all would not know. Hmmm, can think of a few good fun things, otherwise I consider myself a boring blah blah chicklet.

Ok, here goes:

My question of the day for you is....... DO YOU EVER like to have your husband, sig. other, partner leave for a day or two? You know, leave you alone in the house for at least a 24 hour or longer stint? You answer and then I will reply with my answer in the comments!!!!!!!! (i bet you can guess my answer already!)

My one thing today I will reveal to you is...... I fart! In front of DH too! OMG.. I bet you are saying ewwww, sure, think that, but I grew up in a house that it was absolutely normal as breathing to fart at any one moment in your day. My dad would wake up at night and go pee. He would stand and pee and fart at the same damn time, how fucking crazy is that? ewwwww! Hey, my dogs even fart in front of me! It is a natural thing.
OK, now time for you to reveal your ONE thing you want to tell us.

Ok, there are 2 questions / statements you need to put in comment here, I look forward to reading your comments.

I know you are out there so delurk and comment, please? Do I have to beg you? Oh please!

YIPPPEEEE, I have a DATE, I have a DATE.

Yesterday, I called the SIRM office in St. Louis to find out about getting meds for DH for a cheaper price for the Bravelle shots he has to do for low testosterone/lh. While talking to MK at the office, she told me I can go ahead and book my IVF date. YEAH.

I asked her when I should expect AF since I had already calculated 28 days of my cycle and she said that with the chemical pregnancy this past cycle I should expect it to be another week or even 2 longer. Oh Joy. not. I then asked her might she know when I can cycle again and she transferred me to the booking desk! WOW. I was surprised. She told me to ask for the October cycle. Well, with this INCIID the HEART program they said I would have to wait until early 2006 to cycle. I was shocked. I told her that Dr. Ahlering and the ITH program director told me I can cycle this fall. She told me she needed to call me back and she did in like 5 minutes. I am all set up for the October 24th retrieval week st SIRM for a fresh IVF cycle. YEAH.

WOW. Good news.

Ok, off to shower, shop for a side dish for my friends party today and then go play in a washers tournament. If you are not familiar with washers game then click this "washers game". Not sure if this is a St. Louis tradition game or not, kinda like Toasted ravilois are from St. Louis.


Happy Weekend to everyone.

I can't wait to have a baby! Yard sales abundant today with baby stuff

I go to yard sales, have been doing this since I was a kid with my mom. I don't buy junk. I don't buy things I can't use and I don't buy baby stuff YET. YET ... did you hear that out loud? YET.

OMG.. There were tons of baby clothes and baby strollers, car seats, cute room decor(I mean whole sets of stuff like book shelves with ends, lamps, bedding, wall hangings).

I can't wait until I can go buy things like this at sales. I check them out all the time and almost bought a NEW PACKAGED sealed pair of baby shoes, but i refrained.

I use to go to the resale shops with my sister and I could not do that after our miscarriage of twins back in 2002. I am now really serious about wanting to start a small bag of baby items I can find at a reasonable price at sales. You would not believe the amounts of baby clothes I find that are BRAND NEW with tags at sales for 50cents, a buck, 2 bucks... etc..BRAND NAMES too!

Ok, I will one day be able to do this. Hopefully soon. I will have a huge smile on the day I can go to a sale and really buy up a HUGE amount of things with just 20 bucks. My sis is the queen at doing this and has many tips.

Sure... I want new store bought things, but sometimes there is just that bargain at the yard sales that I so don't want to pass up but some force keeps my hands from laying on that item and scooping it up yet... AGAIN.. YET.

See, there is this block I have inside me that keeps me from buying things like this at sales. I think it is mentally a challenge to get past that fear that I will miscarry again, I will never be a mom of a newborn, etc.. A feeling I would love to shake so I could take that 20 bucks and buy a car trunk full of special things for our baby we have one day soon.

I will be able to do it one day.

I have HOpe.

AF must be on her way....

AF = Aunt Flow= Cycle Day 1..... I am SOOOOOO having major PMS problems today... Just ask my DEAR HUSBAND(dh). He must know because he keeps egging me on for an argument. Bahahaha

Today is either cd 22 or cd20. Not sure due to spot. so if I have a normal 25 day cycle then I should get AF this Sunday. Then we can get the ball rolling for our consult soon for a follow up to the chemical pregnancy and then setting up the new IVF cycle.

YEAH.


GO CARDINALS!

bearable or unbearable? baby ment

co-worker is new grandma and is busy showing off her new granddaughter. I sit RIGHT next to her. Can't avoid it. She just returned from her 2 days off with being with new mom and the baby. I am happy for them, really, but this is so close to DH and I recovering from this chemical pregnancy that I just can't be 100% happy for them without feeling a tenge of sadness for DH and I! Know what I mean?

I will be seeing many many many baby pictures over the next few weeks and the mom works here also so it is unavoidable. I hate being bitter, I hate it.

I am praying hard that this next IVF and LAST IVF cycle will bring us our miracle baby in arms living in a year or so!

Just heartbroken over having so many angels and no baby in arms yet.

Sorry to vent, but I have to get it out.

Infertility work up procedures I have done or things found wrong.

HSG (aka hysterosalpingogram(sp?)) the dye test done in radiology to check the uterin cavity shape and to check the dynamics of your fallopian tubes, such as the ability to SPILL the dye fluid into the abdomen.

CCCT(citrus Clomaphine Challenge Test)

Hysteroscopy: inciid describes this best: If a uterine abnormality is suspected after the HSG, your doctor may opt for this procedure, performed with a thin telescope mounted with a fiber optic light, called a hysteroscope. The hysteroscope is inserted through the cervix into the uterus and enables the doctor to see any uterine abnormalities or growths. "Photos" are taken for future reference. This procedure usually is performed in the early half of a woman's cycle so that the build-up of the endometrium does not obscure the doctor's view. However, if the doctor is planning to do an endometrial biopsy at the same time, it is done near the end of the cycle.

laporoscopy: inciid again explains:
A narrow fiber optic telescope is inserted through a woman's abdomen to look at the uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries and to discern endometriosis or pelvic adhesions, and is the best diagnostic tool for evaluating the ovaries. This test us usually done two or three days before menstruation is expected, and only after an HCG beta blood test ensures the woman is not pregnant.


blood work: everything you can think of ... even STD's, etc... yikes, but thankfully the one bad things that came back Postitive in all this is a blood clotting disorder called MTHFR.


MTHFR: heterozygous, inherited from my maternal grandmother. My Aunt, Uncle have it as well as my gram had it, but my mom did not test positive for it,but she passed the gene down to me. This is the less serious mutation of MTHFR, but I have already proven that I am proned to blood clots. Frist and hopefully last blood clot was Feb. 2004. Right leg behind knee.

Diabetic: I am Type II, but controlled by diet and monitoring. I should exercise more too! My first sign that I was diabetic was being thirsty all the time. Diabetes can cause multiple problems, Infertility, Overweight, tired, etc... google it if you need.

PCOS: Gosh, this is such a complicated disease in women.... let me link you to a place you can read about it. What is so frustrating is that it is not curable nor do they know what causes it. I did not do this to myself..... Ugh.


Uterine Septum: #1, I was born with this so it is something I could not ever predict would cause so much of my Infertility woes. You know what, this seems to be my main cause of miscarriages.... The septum has been removed and grown back, but removed again... etc... I have miscarried and pathology shows the fetus was normal, but we keep having problems with pregnancy loss due to this.


if you have any questions about any of them please post a comment and I will reply. Google will help with research.

DH's turn for shots now.

in prep to the Fresh IVF cycle... DH needs to take bravelle shots for his low testosterone levels. LOL

He has the protocol and we start giving them to him this weekend. YEAH.. I get to poke him with shots again instead of it being me right now.

I hope this will help the issues with needing to do ICSI.. maybe if the sperm become stronger through these shots then we can avoid ICSI?

hmmm

I can't wait to start my next cycle in a few weeks.. then I can call for the consult and get things rolling to set up our Fresh IVF date this fall. YEAH.

off to bed so I can head to the yard sales tomorrow b4 I go in for the IF support group here in town.

death of Fr. Lawrance Walsh

Fr. Larry Walsh was the pastor of my grade school parish St. Margaret Of Scotland grade school in South City(Catholic) when I was a young south Side City kid growing up... he was there from when I was about 9 years old until I was about 13. Amazing man he was. He really had a down to earth quality about him. He took our youth group to St. Louis Steamers games at the Old Arena on Oakland ave often. He was the priest for the team and would go down and do a prayer with them b4 each home game then he would come back to our seats and have a good time with us cheering them on to victory.

The rectory was only 9 houses down the street from my house so it was often that I got to see him driving up the street while myself and several other neighbors and classmates were playing Tag or Red Light Green Light out in front of our houses. One time he even came up and played a round of Step Ball with us. Amazing man.

he instilled faith in me back then, which I have lost these days, but I do have fond Catholic memories of him thoughout my grade school years and into high school too as I saw him a few times after he became pastor of a local High school parish too.

He will be missed.

my summer addiction

this place is addicting... THis is the new 2005 season for their WEB CAM for orca viewing. I love it. I am addicted and have been since the first months of 2004 season too. I sit at my pc now and have my headphones plugged in.. but there are no orca sounds or even camera views of them right now.. just kelp, sea animities(sp?) and fishes under water views. Sunday night we got to see severl "blows" (orcas breath above water) and a sea lion or maybe it was a sea otter. Saw several small fish jumping or dolphins. Pretty cool. In IE browser, go to the live web casts. If you have broadband/dsl... it is a great shot. If you use dialup, good luck with the 56k. I love the live chat room too. I have met people from all around the world that are orca lovers. I have a new addiction and it continues.

try them out and let me know what you think.


p.s. I will give a great update tomorrow on the IVF stuff.

Today is a good day.

so good in fact that camping is in order! DH left yesterday with the camper and headed to the State Park. I am heading out in a few with the furdoggies and joining him. YEAH.

AF is light and not so mean, YEAH.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

SUN and FUN.

I swear I love my new Doc/RE.

The man knows exactly what to say. I swear to you. He walks into the US room(yes, he does all the US's himself) and immediately shakes my hand and says "I am so sorry this cycle did not turn out the way we all wanted it to" Meaning to stay prenant! He melted my heart and I really had to hold the tears back. He knows the pain and suffering of a loss. He has the right words to say. The right touch on the shoulder to comfort us through this all.

He did the US exam and it showed a blood clot in the uterus about 6-8 mm large. He offered to me to write antoher rx for pain meds meaning percocet instead of darvocet.. but I passed on it. I am ok today.. still bleeding and clotting, but it is much less today then yesterday.

He told me that we can have one more AF then plan on a fresh ivf cycle. WOW. I loved hearing that.

I feel much better emotionally today. I cried so hard in the lobby yesterday,but today, I overheard good news from 2 ladies walking out of there! YEAH.. I like hearing that. REally I do. They both graduated from this RE to their OB.. meaning they are past the "worry" part of the first steps in pregnancy. See, that gives me hope that I can get pg then too.

Now to get my body back in shape and lose these lbs from this past cycle.

AF should be gone in about 3 days or so then I am good to move forward.

Thanks so much for all the prayers and good wishes. We are making it through this and will move forward no matter the path we take. I hope to try IVF one more time then we will move on if that does not work.


Bless us all.

bec

darvocet and sleep Rx'd to me

bleeding has not let up, but the doc confirmed by blood work that the beta / hcg level is a zero .. which is good, but now we need to find the source of this bleeding. I go in Wednesday for an US scan and hopefully he will get a grasp on what is happening.

I felt bad today.. I broke down in the lobby of the doc's office and just sobbed. After 3 days of this bleeding crap, I am spent. Tired, have a massive headache. I did ask them to take my blood pressure, but they did not. I will insist they do that tomorrow. I hope they can tell me why I keep getting these headaches now too. Fun.

I feel like a big ole ball of complaints.. but legit complaints at that.

DH told me today he is worried about my well being. He is worried that we need to just stop the ttc crap and let me have a hysterectomy. FRICK. today was not a day I needed to hear that from him, but I know he means it in a thoughtful way.

Ok, off to eat dinner(late) and then take my darvocet and go sleep for a few hours.


Thanks for reading if you have!

heading out the door to the ER or the doc's office

waiting for Dr. Ahlering's office to call me back. I have been bleeding heavily for the last 38 or so hours from this miscarriage/chemical pregnancy. I am passing clots the size of 1/2 dollars and cramping so bad, now a nasty headache to boot. I called this to happend but I swear I did not wish it upon myself. I hate this. My body just can't handle the let down from any type of + pregnancy no matter the outcome.

I paged the nurse on call Sunday evening. Told her I was bleeding heavily and that I was passing clots. She had me get in bed and stay there with lots of hydration so I did. I then went through all day Sunday the same way.... no let up on the system letting this mc happen. Now today after almost 38 hours, I am spent, exhausted, mentally in a bad way. Emotionally TORN up.

I paged the nurse again this AM after the symptoms got worse yet again. She called back and said she was on the way into the office and she would call me after she speaks with Dr. Ahlering himself. I wonder if he will have me come in there for an exam or have me call my ob/gyn and have them admit me to the hosptial for possible surgery / d&c?!

Waiting is the hardest part. Headaches and clots are a close second on the hardest to deal with.

until later, until I know what is happening... I will sign off for now.

live 8

amazing coverage at streaming live video



amazing.

support the cause. Not money, but support

Funky

that is how I am feeling. I am in a funk and admit I will have to seek help for this soon if it does not pass. I know I have talked about it b4, but I think the need for an anti-depressant is going to be necessary to get me through this loss of the pregnancy and into the summer months and through the fall until we can decide when to cycle again and or move onto adoption.

Gosh, I hate it when I feel I have lost control of the emotional aspect of this all. I know the hormones are raging and that is one reason, but usually I can snap out of the funk of a bad cycle right away. Not this time. I admit it. I hate defeat, but I admit that drug involvement might be necessary to get me through this. DH is a rock, but I think he is realizing he can't fix my FUNK. He can try to say all the right things, but I just snap and go off. I can't give myself this pep talk to get well and it hurts to admit it, but I do.

Therapy is an option, but she is very very expensive and I can't afford that right now so I think a very good option is talking to the doc and asking for the meds to help me deal with the emotional side of things.

Last time I was on an antidepressant I was not able to cry, emotions were totally shut down and I did not like that, but that was 4 years ago and things have changed with meds recently and I hope they can help.

Defeat is recognized and will be rewarded with a new outlook on things when the meds can start working.

How do you deal with depression?

I can't stand myself.. OMG HELP ME

I am so crabby I can't stand myself.

My tears flow at the drop of any word from DH's mouth. OMG.... I know I am crabby, I can't stand being around myself. My hormones are dropping like a rock and I can't stand it. DH even asked me if I had started AF.. I was kinda put off by that and mad that he was insisting I was CRABBY. Bahahahaha, but I am crabby damnit and BUT you don't have to throw it in my face. He asked me about 4 times tonight "what is wrong, why are you so quiet..??" I finally had to ask him to stop making the assumption that I am BIOTCHY tonight because DAMNIT I know I am.

I actually got in the tub and scrubbed it from top to bottom then I cleaned the bathroom. Now that is a productive BIOTCHYNESS that I can handle because my bathroom Looks DAMN GOOD. LOL last night I cleaned the living room like that too. Sweat is productive. But the milkyway bar was not so productive after I did all that hard work. Bahahaha

Ok, signing off with my biotchy butt doing to bed.

Oh to wish to afford a maid... LOL

Maid? What? I so wish. DH and I are having family over this weekend for a BBQ/Pool party for the 3rd of July... We are tackling a room a night for the rest of the week. Tonight DH cleaned the Kitchen. YEAH.. I hate that job. I cleaned the living room. Cleaning included top of the tv stand.. yikes the dust bunnies were huge... and then the ceiling fan and window sills. I hate it that our house is so dusty. I blame it on 2 things, Dog/cat(3 dogs and 1 cat) hair and then I use baby power each day after my shower. I swear baby power leaves a coating of power all over the house. Yikes.

I admit I hate to clean. I would rather walk 2 miles in the 99 degree heat instead of cleaning house in the AC.

You? Do you like it or did you find a way to afford to hire a maid/cleaning service?

It wasn't a dream, it was a real spider.

I was in bed this AM and felt a bite of something behind my knee on the skin in the fold of my leg. I brought my knee up to me... scratched and then thought.. Hmmm, I wonder if that was a spider. YIKES.

I immediately got up and looked where my knee would have been and sure enough it was a spider I had trapped in my knee joint and killed just after it had bit me. Hmmmmm

I showed it to DH and he immediately got online and looked it up. I can't tell nor can he tell what kind of spider it is. I don't think it is a brown recluse, although it is small and hard to tell since we don't have a magnifying glass. If it is a baby Recluse.. YIKES.. BUT I read online the symptoms of the bites and I don't have anything out of the norm I have physcially been dealing with this cycle(swelling from AF / PMS is normal).

I will keep an eye on things and make sure I shake out my blankets tonight... Ugh.. I have a feeling that I will have a pretty good chance of dreaming about this and making the emotional part of this worse than it should be. Bahahahahahaha

EWWWWW.

First call in the AM..... PEST CONTROL to come spray the house.


I sure hope this was not a Brown Recluse!!!


don't it make your tummy turn when you think about spiders?

oh, btw, DH kept the spider and put it in a sealed cup just incase I need to go to the ER tonight with symptoms.. LOL AND he found 3 more of these same spiders down in a rolled up town in the basement when he went to change the laundry. I bet it is just a common household spider, but I would love to know for sure.

This cycle comes to an end. But it is not the end of the world.

Friday's beta hcg level was down to 5.9. Our Chemical pregnancy is .9 points from officially being over, but they are done doing beta's. I stopped the PIO progesterone injections now and have to wean off of the dexamthasone up to Wed. I expect my AF lining shed will be very heavy. I will go visit the local sundries store tomorrow and stock up on my AF supplies. I will ride this out as it happens and will call my ob/gyn for help if needed as my RE is out of town for this coming week. Ugh.

This is bitter sweet, we tried hard to make this cycle work and yet it did in a way. Something tried to implant, but did just did not have the strength to hang on. I hope that I can try one more fresh cycle and then DH and I are up for saving for adoption domestically for the next 3 years. I resolve to the fact that our chances of a biological child are becoming slim so we have to broaden our thoughts and options for becoming parents. It took a long time in our battle of infertility to realize that "PREGNANCY" is not always necessary to have a child. A child we can love no matter how s/he is born into this world. Sure, we would grieve our loss of a bio child if that is the route our Journey takes us, as I assume many would, but once I can hold a baby in arms and say "s/he is ours" then I will be very proud of our journey to that moment.

I want to be happy right now, but I have to get through the grief and AF is the last part of that to come this week.

Thank goodness for IF therapy group meetings . YEAH. Damn it, I was pregnant for a short time.

Babysat my niece and nephew Friday night and had a great time. I got a wonderful picture of DH reading book to my nephew just b4 bed. It was very sweet and gave me hope that we will be parents and he will be a wonderful daddy.

I wish I had a cable to download that picture to share with you.

Hearts heal in due time
Wounds will be healed over
Minds will prevail


mood: ok
feeling physically: crampy
book I am reading: A gathering of Old Men.
favorite blog:

Chocolate is the cure all.

What better than Chocolate to sooth the pain? Yup... ZINGERs. Gosh.. yum. Man, I know they are bad... but heck,.... I had to smooth over my aches and pains today and wallowed in chocolate to do it.

HAHAHAHA, laugh with me damnit.


Ok, what is next ? Beta #4 tomorrow and then the wait for the call to help me figure out what is our next step in this doomed cycle. I dread the call, yet I am anxious to get it moving forward and resolved. You know, limbo sucks. You have been there, haven't you?

Ok, I am going to do a "What Am I Thankful for" post tomorrow. Think about it... and come back tomorrow night and post your response as to what you are thankful for.


Oh... I am babysitting tomorrow night and looking forward to the fun time with my niece and nephew. I just hope that this body holds off on starting this miscarriage until after that. Yikes.

I will wish you all a TGIF tomorrow.

Reality Bites when it comes to Infertility.

Today I went in for our 3rd beta HCG blood draw to see if we had a chance at this pregnancy being viable. Not in our cards today. Today's beta was 11.5, down from 12.8 on Monday. This is a huge hit in the gut. 99% sure it is a chemical. OUCH. I have to stay on my meds/PIO shots/ until Friday and do yet another Beta hcg blood draw. They want to make sure this is a true chemical.

What is a chemical pregnancy? Well, one of the embies from the 3 we transferred tried to implant. It sent out signals to my body that it was implanting thus the + beta #'s. But with them being as low as they were, it is most likely that the poor embie could not fight hard enough to hang onto the lining and is disolving by itself. It could not attach. I chalk that up to the fact that these were frozen embies and when frozen then thawed for transfer, they lose strength and cells. I guess our embies did not have the full strength to dig in and stay.

Now comes the hard part. My body going through a miscarriage is not a fun trip. I have been there too many times to count. 2 ectopics that ended in Laporoscopies and D&C's(7/99 and 10/00 for each ectopic and reason I lost both tubes). 1 miscarriage of an 8 w(week) baby boy fetus due to am implantation most likely on the septum that I had in my uterus, also ended in a D&C (2/00). Miscarriage of twin babies at 8w3d due to subchorionic bleed (one girl for sure of the twins)(10/02), then miscarriage yet again of twin babies at 10w due to another subchorionic bleed.(10/03). Now this chemical miscarriage at 4w (6/05).

Sad history. I hope to not repeat again on any account of it all.

I don't ask for pity party. I just want you to know the desire to have a child is strong for both DH and I. We were put on this earth to meet each other and procreate a child together to raise for them to marry and procreate also. I do believe we will be parents in due time one way or another, but I am close to finished with this roller coaster ride that keeps jerking off track for us. I want a COOL FUN RIDE and I know it will be difficult to find if we become pregnant again from the next and FINAL , IVF treatment we will be seeking sometime this year.

I talked to DH tonight when I got home. We will try one last fresh IVF cycle and that is it. Then we are going to hunker down and save our funds for about 2.5 years to be able to afford adoption domestically. I admit the urge for a newborn is too strong to want to go internationally for a baby that is 8-9 months old or older by time we adopt them.

I will try and figure out how we will grieve this loss. I have an idea of buying a nice tree and planting it in our back yard this fall. Or maybe a brick to add to the Angel of Hope memorial in St. Charles MO at Blanchette Park.

DH said something to me tonight..... This loss makes him question if there is a GOD out there. Why would GOD punish us like this? WOW.... profound statement from him, but it sure makes me think.

Ok, Thank goodness there is a support group meeting this weekend. I was suppose to go to a baby shower for my co-workers daughter(also a co-worker) but I will be missing that to go to the support group instead.

gosh.. I so hope tomorrow bring good news.

Tomorrow will be 12dp6dt and beta #3. I am praying and praying that this body of mine cooperates and does the right thing by upping the beta #'s accordingly. I hope it is huge... at least double to quadruple. LOL Can't ask for too much now can I?

Today is a good day... crampy... but not bad. Good things happening I hope. No bleeding, and no I won't jinx myself by saying that. I think the 2cc's of PIO and the bullet P4 suppository is helping with that. I have never done 2 cc's of PIO and NEVER did vaginal support b4 for P4. My body is liking this. I just hope the Beta is liking to climb up in counts too. Not just a small climb, but a HUGE climb.

I pray that this is one singleton hanging on in there.

I went to the dentist today and had to tell her I am very early pregnant.... Because I have to avoid x-rays and any excessive gum battery. Soooo, she was very excited for us and told me she needs to talk to my ob/gyn doc to discuss my next cleaning in my 2nd trimester due to my use of heparin. She can't and won't clean my teeth due to the risk of bleeding while on the heparin. gee, hopefully that will take me into my 9th month of pregnancy. LOL
She did give me a new tooth brush and some alcohol free mouth wash to use for now. NO TEETH cleaning for me for now.. just lots of brusing and flossing, which she knows I floss about 10 times a day.

I am tried and better head off to bed.. Plants watered, pool is treated(green today from the heat, ugh) and doggies tired too.

Oh, tomatoes and peppers and cucumbers growing already. YEAH. can't wait to pick my first batch of what is ripe first.


Thanks for haning in there with us.

Can't wait for a HUGE beta # soon so I can finally do that EPT and see a good word printed on the digital read out.

So the BFN turned into a BFP.. well low Positive.. but I am PREGNANT...

I am .... WOW.

I have a + beta and it was so low that the HPT would not have picked it up anyway.

Off to dinner with DH to celebrate.. I will write more later.

YEAH.

It is over. BFN

my heart knew it too. I got the BFN on the EPT today. I know, go ahead and tell me it could be wrong or giving me a false negative, but I know it is not. Damn it already. I am sad, but the grief has left me tearless. I can't even pop one sad tear out of this dysfunctional body of mine.

We are most likely done with Infertility treatments. I can't afford to do another Fresh IVF cycle. I can't go and borrow money as we are maxed out. Family does not have money to pay for this either and my guilt would stop me from ever even asking them to help out.

I now have to wait for DH to wake up and tell him that "Sorry I can't give you a Nice Father's Day Present as the HPT was NEGATIVE or as it reads "Not Pregnant".

Oh wait, I think he is stirring in the other room to get up and go to the bathroom. Dang it. I am so sad I have to tell him it was negative.

I know my body and I can tell you with 99% certainty that I am not pregnant. I am holding off AF with lots of PIO shots and suppositories so there is no way AF could start on her own and I have never gotten a BFP with not bleeding so I know this is over. Go ahead, tell yourself I am fooling myself, but I know better. I know that when they call me tomorrow afternoon while I am at work with my 2nd beta results.. it will be negative.

Don't give me that false hope.. Sorry, but I have been through 3 miscarriages, multiple NEGATIVE IVF cycles, + cycles that only start with a bleed or two............I know my body too well and this is it. It is over. I will be a good girl tonight and do my last PIO shot then go in at 8:10 am AND do my BETA draw. I will then have to go to work with my "NEGATIVE" self and put my Happy Face on for my co-workers and boss and then I can come home and medicate my sorrow with a HUGE ASS MARGARITA. Chevy's here I come.

My heart breaks that I have to tell DH the results, but he agreed that the HPT will help us deal with the results.

I know one day we will be parents, but I will take some time to grieve this and move on when I am ready.

crawling under my rock for a long time to come.

pardon me if this blog becomes quiet for a while.... take it as my grieving process.

Thanks for keeping up with us here and thanks for keeping the hope up for us. Sometimes we just can't control Mother Nature.

until then

Oh they are calling my name....

I asked DH to come home and do my PIO shot tonight, but I asked him to do 2 other things first... stop and buy PowerBall tickets.... and then go to Walgreens and buy EPT brand hpt.... He is such a good hubby. LOL

I have my power ball tickets sitting here ready for tonights drawing.

I have a box of 2.. oopss. 3 (buy 2 get 1 free) "pregnant" or "not pregnant" hpt's in the bathroom. OMG...... Do you hear them.... Calling out my name... yup! I hear them. BUT I promised myself I would not HPT until Sunday the 19th and with FMU... FMU... you ask? first morning urine.... because I have to let it build up in my system for at least 4 hours and I can do that while sleeping. No water drinking past midnight for me then hold my urge to go from say 2 am to 6 am and then TEST..... Oh the urge.... Hey, did you hear that again? >>>>>>>>>>>>bec, come test with me now................<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< NOPE... I will not pee on them tonight.

OMG.. there is an HPT commercial on the tv right now.. OMG.

LOL Ok, I had a great day... walked in the Race for the Cure today and then came home and relaxed. Lots of uterine cramps so I hope that is a good sign. Oh please AF stay away and Bring on that BFP... I have such mixed feelings right now... BUT I won't pee on that stick until tomorrow Morning. LOL

My friend told me to call her if I need in the AM no matter what the test result is... Hmmmm 6 am? should I call her? LOL


Ok, off to watch Six feet under and Meet the Faulkers on tivo.

the urge is stronger

Komen Race for the Cure in St. Louis is tomorrow and

I am walking with 48 of my co-workers and friends and family. FUN. I will post pictures tomorrow night.

In Memory of Jane Walcott

In Celebration of Kelly and Kay Walt.

1st of 2

tomorrow AM is my first beta of 2 I get to do with SIRM St. Louis. I have beta #2 on Monday and that is when I get the results of both beta's. They won't tell us on the first beta draw. So the torture begins.

I will most likely break down and do an hpt on Sunday. Now to decide on what brand to use. LOL

I feel pregnant one moment and then the next NOTHING. ARRGGHHH.

I am nervous. I don't want to think of the what ifs if it does not work. I am so scared.

All our married lives( and b4 that) Jeff and I have wanted to have children. We waited several years to get where we felt comfortable to move forward with trying ... after a time apart from each other due to other issues we had to work out, after deaths in both sides of the family that were devastating, after much love that we grew to know and appreciate again, We have given this our all. I have a great doctor and his staff to back us up, but even I know it is out of their hands. We have put everything out on the line. We have asked for Help from the Higher powers, we have given our love and devotion, our hearts and I am so scared that I can't give my husband a child we so deserve together. I know we are going to be parents one day soon, I just hope and pray that it is through this medical technique that is so amazing that we can achieve our dreams into a reality.

My Civic duty has been paid....

a whopping $12.00 per day job and only 1 day of Jury summons duty. YEAH.. I went in at 8 am and got out at 2:15 or so.. I was not lucky enough to be selected for a trial pool, but that is ok with me this time around. The hardest part was parking in the Kiel/Savvis Garage and walking to the courts building. LOL I am so needing to walk more.

I can't say it was an honor to serve, but I don't mind it. I know that many people HATE jury duty, but I am always nosey enough to want to get into a trial. Bahahahahaa

Ok, off to nap.. little headache and now feeling some little cramps. I hope that is good.. these babies diggin' in.

I saw him on DHC.... My RE .. I saw him..

last week at our transfer of our 3 babies FET.... Our RE said that he was a busy guy.. My DH then said, yeah you tv celeb..... well the RE then said that he would be on Discovery HEalth Channels Triple the triplets Show this week on Baby Week on DHC..> Well Yup he was. Man, This is scary.. I put back 3 blasts .. OMG... Is this a sign? hmmmm.. Ok, I know I am jumping the gun, but It was pretty cool to see the embryologist and Dr. A on the TV screen in reference to helping a couple achieve their dreams by doing this IVF cycle with them and then the show went on to tell the couples story of labor and delivery of triplets. COOL


mood: crabby... well at least DH thinks so.
feelings: DIzzy and crampy with twinges
music: Ben Folds and The Arch 106.5 fm.

oh yeah... I felt that

each tug and pull of the uterus gives me hope that I am having implantation cramps. hahahaha... Those of you that have gone through IF and have experienced the scrutiny of the 2ww, well you know how exciting those little twinges and tugs and pulls are. LOL

This is my sight from my back yard tonight.



beautiful. Stormy evening, but now it is quiet.

Watching Discovery Health Channel to get my fill of those programs.. You know.. It is baby week on DHC and I do this every time it is on. I watch it.. Thinking it will give me hope to get a BFP soon.

DH is late giving me my PIO shot .. Off to do my heparin shot.

Today is a good day... Dig in babies dig in.

I feel good (sing to the song) ...I knew that I would...

well, of course I am feeling the GOOD possible symptoms of waiting for implantation to happen....

AF type cramps a little tonight...

Drinking lots of water.....

Brushing my teeth type of gag....

Peeing like every 20 minutes.....

DIG IN BABIES DIG IN...

Ok, tivo'd Meet The Faulkers on pay per view tonight so that is going to be my good movie flick of the night..

I watched YaYa sisterhood movie last night and it was good, but did make me have a crying jag or two ... LOL another symptom?


Our TV went out in the living room so dh had to ask my bro and bil to come over and move the tv from downstairs to up here ... after that I offered a beer to bil (bro does not drink) and he called me on the way home and said (bil was not driving) that the beer was a year old by the born on date and we should come over tomorrow and have a celebration / birthday party for the beer tomorrow.. Bahahahahahaa... DH is the one that drinks beer and gosh I can't believe I gave my BIL a year old petrified beer. OMG.. how mortifying is that? What a way to thank him for helping move the tv for us? So in turn , dh offered to help my BIL with his kitchen rewiring as compensation to the bad beer. LOL BIL took him up on it too. too funny.

man, I missed going to yard sales today...

I am the proud momma of 3 blasts

I am now the mamma keeper of 3 blast embies.

my mom had agreed to drive me there and back from transfer since DH was not sure if he could make it or not... Well I called an "emergency" into DH at work and he promptly left work to meet us at the clinic.. but about 10 minutes b4 mom and I were to leave, DH walked in the door at home. My mom said she would just let the 2 of us head to the clinic and do the transfer since she was not really needed, not in a mean way, but she understood. DH and I go there in the office and while sitting there after checking in, a couple walked in to check in also.. They sat down and then the guy looked at DH and said "Hey, you know me, don't you?!" well it turned out to be dh's sis's ex boyfriend from just after high school. He and he wife did a fresh cycle and were there for the transfer. We all talked and exchanged email so I will send them good wishes also. Too funny to know people in the lobby. We wished each other well and good luck then they were called back.

We were told that things were running about 1/2 hour behind.. no problems as my bladder was not too full at that time. YET. LOL
We were called back... I changed into a gown and then as quick as that they asked us to come into the transfer room. The nurses setme up, the doc came in and shook our hands and wished us luck. The doc then started the US guided exam, speculum, wash prep and then the most important moment... he said we have dr. H here with your 3 embies ready to transfer. Dr. H, the embryologist walked into the room and confirmed there were 3 blasts for me... confirmed and then dr. A inserted the Catheter.... pretty amazing to see it actually being advanced on the US screen . He slowly let the embryologist inject the embies into my uterus. Which btw, had a GREAT lining appearence. YEAH..

We of course had discussed (dh and I) how many to transfer, but when they walked in with the catheter full of 3 embies, that was our answer. Dr. A felt comfortable doing 3 and honestly I could not have picked if we had to.

This transfer was was the best. I felt NOTHING... only thing I felt was when Dr. A had to empty part of my full bladder to help get a better view of the uterus. Then he drained it for me after the transfer. That is the only thing I felt. Much better after 4 different transfers from Dr. P in the last 4 years. Relief.

Ok, now I am trying to talk these embies to get 1 of them to implant. I am scared for multiple implantations, but I will let that ride in the higher powers hands now ...

The next 7 days (until 1st beta) will be busy as I have Jury duty Wed. Then I go back for 2nd beta that following Monday and that is when we get the results. Much shorter of a 2ww, but just as much time to worry. LOL

Until tomorrow.. I am back to bedrest. (laptopposting for now from bed) and will sleep all day tomorrow as much as possible.

Thanks for hanging in there with us.

dog tired

I went to bed at 3 am and got up at 6:20 am. What is wrong with that time frame? this is the AM of my Transfer and I am NOT needing to be sleep deprived.. Ok, let the doggies out and then off to bed again.

Oh, I need to find a good nail polish to spiffy up these toes.

signs signs everywhere there are signs...PART TRES

What a beautiful lightning display tonight in the freaky St. Louis Sky... Welll the sign that I got out of this storm....... At 8:10 pm, the sun made its way out of the western sky... not visible itself, but the beautiful overcast of orange and lightning flashing in the eastern sky... I looked up to the East and there it was... a beautiful Rainbow. DH even saw it.

Rainbows... what a spectacular sight.

Wishing upon that pot of gold at the end to be our pot of gold of a baby.

WOW... Thanks for such a wonderful view tonight.

my choice.... 10:30 am or 1pm

Well, I got a phone call on my Cell today from M at Dr. Ahlerings office.. WOW... They said I could come in Friday for our FET transfer at 10:30 AM... well, I was so surprised and said "So Early?,Dr. A said it would be in the afternoon." she then said I could come in later if I wanted... I was shocked.. REally? "Well see", I told her, "DH needs to come and the later time would work out perfectly" WOOOHOOOOO

So we go in at 1 pm on Friday to pick up our precious babies.

How cool is that? I sure hope this uterine condo is ready for a resident for the next 8 -9 months.

ok, dinner is almost here, be back later to blog more.

ok back... Get this.. I have our transfer on Friday day... but DH and I got tickets to the Cardinals vs. Yanks game.. Frick. I can't go. Go figure.. DH is going to go still. I will be on bed rest so no worries. Oh well. I am sure I will be able to see one of the greatest teams / managers again one day. Well, maybe not Torre.

2 or 3, help us decide.....this is a poll for you to help us.

I can blog.. I can ramble.. but today I need to ask you a question..

I have 3 embies frozen... I need your input... If all 3 thaw in the lab on Friday, do I risk putting all 3 back in or do would you suggest to only put 2 back in?

I know, this is a loaded question.. but since I have a history of miscarriage of twins... it scares the shit out of me to even think about putting 3 back, but then the emotions run high knowing I don't want to leave one embie go and not transfer it back. See, we can't refreeze a thawed embie! UGH>

What would you do? Would you risk putting 3 back in if they all thaw? No matter what quality?

If you need more details... post a reply and I can add more to this.

DH and I are up in arms over how many to transfer. Those are our preicous embies.. I don't want to let one go to waste... know what I mean?

I pray that only 2 make the thaw.. Really, but what if all 3 make it? I know, it seems that I have already answered my own question, but I wanted to seek your thoughts.

Thanks in advance and Be honest. I can take the honesty.

I need you to help me test my blog...

can you please post a comment to this post today? I am having problems with Comments being visable to the readers.. I am getting them by email, but they are not posting to the Comment section of each post.. I have tried to update my settings, but still keep having problems.

Just post any simple comment to this .. Or tell me how you like this blog?! LOL

Thanks for helping me try and figure this bloggin' stuff out.

bec

put your left butt cheek in, take your left butt cheek out

kinda like that song... you put your right butt cheek in, you put your right butt cheek out... you put your left butt cheek in, you put your left butt cheek out....And you shake it all about.....

That would be because I am now on 1 cc of PIO (progesterone injection to prep for our FET transfer on Friday) and that was injected in the left butt cheek tonight by my wonderful shot giving DH. Then the 10,000 units of HCG went into my right butt cheek, again injected with the ut-most precision from my Dear DH. (dh=dear husband when he is being a good guy to me!) Then I stopped the Lupron so THANK GOODNESS I won't have LOOPY lupron headaches anymore.

I am set to go for transfer of our embies on Friday .. most likely in the afternoon..... DH might be able to make it, but I will still have to have my mom drive me there and back. pretty cool to think both might be there in the transfer room. hehe

I have a nice 10mm triple stripe lining today...YEAH... Oh.. have I told you lately that I LOVE my doc? Even DH was in the room today with me while I was having my US and he was impressed with his attitude and communication. What a difference from the previous RE... the US tech did all the US's and Dr. Pearlstone never did them unless they were for my saline sonograms or retrieval and transfers.

Oh... the fun things I did today..... I took my mom to bingo with a co-worker of mine in St. Paul MO(just west of O'Fallon MO) and my mom won 200.00 on pull tabs and then 5 minutes later I won 500... WOOOHOOOOO. Bead buying here I come on Ebay. YEAH. I did spend 100.00 on groceries on my way home tonight. LOL

Ok, for now I am off to read my book. Book club meeting tomorrow night. FUN

Mood: Happy
book: Desperate Housewives eating Bon Bon's.
music: ben folds in the car cd player.. (scored a few good cd's at a yard sale this past Saturday)

23 credits and many more to go....

I am what you call a LIFER for college. I did not go straight out of high school. I regret that TOTALLY. I swear to you I do. BUT... I make the best of it today and take a class or two each Spring and Fall semester at the local community college. I am in a frenzy to find the right 2 year associates degree to apply for...I am in the IT field in my job, but it consists of more admin side of things. I do very little programming and what I have learned has been all hands on. I am looking to sit down with an advisor b4 fall session begins and plotting out my path finally. I have 23 credit hours accumulated and that is nothing to sneeze at for my accomplishments. Heck, that means I have maybe another 40 to go instead of 60 or 65 credits for that 2 year associates. LOL Hey, laugh with me damnit, that was a funny... It means I am a LIFER for college. Get it? I also have to take the placement test for the college too since I got the advisors to write me past several IT classes I took without having to take the comprehensive math and english classes yet. Yikes.. Those classes are needing to be taken soon and I must finally give into my fear of flunking tests and go take the damn thing. (ok, get it now that when you read this blog, I NEVER ever claimed I could spell right!)

Sorry, I am rambling... I have hurdles in my life... 1 is INFERTILITY and the 2nd is TESTING for SChool subjects. Current gpa is 3.67 or something like that and I am proud of that!

So I posted about wanting to become a nurse one day, well I think for now that is a no go since my job, thankfully, pays for job related classes and books up to 80% as long as I get a C or above in each class or 50% if not job related, but business associates degree related. SOOO no, they won't help pay for nursing school. Dang.

Oh.. btw.. if anyone is interested.. CitiMtg is hiring out at 40 and K in O'Fallon...... St. Charles area..(you must apply on-line at their web page). They need reps to man the phones.. it is a temp to hire job... also, they have "IF" benefits if you are hired perm after 90 day... but my catch is ... they won't pay me enough.. ARHGGGHHHHHH. I can't take a cut in pay... Frick. if you need details, post here and I can email you back.

Ok, out to water the garden.. I have blooms on my tomatoes already. YEAH.

signs signs everywhere there are signs...PART DEUX......

I fed my bad habit and bought a nice shirt off of Ebay for work. Hang in there, this goes with the + signs of + thinking for our FET cycle....

I got my shirt in the mail today. this is the nice note I got from the seller of the item.....

"Thanks you for bidding and purchasing from us. I am very thankful to you and for what Ebay has done for me.

2 years ago, at age 37, I worked for a major insurance company. I had worked there for 17 years, and it was a very secure job, but not one that fulfilled me. So, I decided to leave.

On August 4, 2003, two months after I left my job, I found out I was expecting my first child.

It was the happiest day of my life.

And the scariest. How was I going to support us?

So, to create a nest egg for my new family, I decided to sell off everything on Ebay. I have never looked back. I'm hoping it's God's will that I can continue to earn a living for our baby girl.

There is nothing etter than being am mom. Except for being an "Ebay Mom".

Many Blessings to you,
SW

p.s. if you are not happy with your purchase, please email me right away, and I will do my best to resolve the situation. Thanks again.

Well, many women that go through IF would be offended by this note... Especially talking about a BABY! BUT me, no, I think in a toally different light when I am near or close to doing an infertility cycle.... I tend to try and absorb the positives out of this instead. Like it was meant to be that I bought from someone that had good fortune in creating a family so maybe that good fortune will be sprinkled upon DH and I. Or maybe she was sending along the good luck to us to now become pregnant too. Hmmmmm, Of course DH thinks I am completely nuts.

I dig for signs, but this was not an excavation attempt by me at all, it was a luck of the draw that this lady was able to connect with me and tell me she had good fortune and maybe now that will fall our way too?! bahahahahaha

Ok, my nutso self is going out to dinner with DH. Later.

All Alone? Just me and my embies? A Taxi Cab Ride?

Well, Dh tells me today that he thinks he won't be able to drive me to and from the FET transfer on the 10th. Well, that means I have a few choices...

First of all, of course I will be sad he can't be there..6/10/05. the moment we are PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and in that 2ww. I understand his co-workers might have seniority over him to take days off and they grabbed that date up frist.. but gosh.. this is an important moment in our lives.. this is our CONCEPTION date!!!!!!!! wow... shaking head sadly. hmmmmm

Ok, options are.... A taxi cab? Oh... that would be a fun Taxi Cab Confessions like on HBO..... LOL Oh... the cab driver asks "Maam, why are you laying down in the back seat while I drive you home?" me: " Well I am PUPO, and need to rest for that moment of implantation, there is no better place than to do that in than in the back seat of your pimped ride". Bahahaha

Second option.... My mom... my friend and I know she would not refuse, but I don't even know if her retired butt will be in town since this is kinda a late notice of her needing to be with me. LOL

Third option? Not sure, why don't you give me your thoughts on what my third option could be?

22 guage 1 1/2 needle.....

that was just sunk into my buttox by my DH... yes... shot #3 of E2V estrodile delestogen shots for this FET prep. I went in today for my B/W and US... got to the office.. handed them my paperwork for the future if needed for a fresh IVF cycle and also instructions for cryopreservation... then I was called back for my bloodwork by MK.. she said ... "so I hear you are a hard stick" meaning... my veins are NOT nice to the needle for blood draws. LOL I replied..."Yup, Good luck" and God is she good.. First Stick. I love her.. I LOVE HER... It is crazy to say that I could love someone for being able to stick me once with a needle for a vial of blood... OMG.. this is a wonderful change from the previous cycles I have had to deal with.. 3 sometimes 4 sticks for one vial of blood hurts. WAY TO GO MK!

Sooooo then I thought I was to wait around for an US.. I went to sit down and was told "See you Friday for your next E2 draw.. but no US again until Sunday the 5th. ." WOW.. YEAH.. .NO date with Mr Wand? OMG.. I acutally miss Mr. Wand.. What is up with that? See, in a fresh IVF cycle you can have up to 10 or more US's to check the follie and lining growth.. but we are not concerned with follies this time, just the E2 to build the lining and I am pretty sure with all the CM that it is building just fine. LOL

Sooooo while sitting waiting for my b/w this AM.. I hear the nurse call back 2 different people that I am cycle buds with at SIRM... we all post on the same board on the internet for support .. Dang it, I should have said something to them, but they were up and moving fast to the back US rooms. LOL

Ok, back to relax... well, surf Ebay... or watch some junk tv.

moving on down..

I am trying to figure out this picture posting issue of my pictures being HUGE... Hmmmm


space...





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space.. trying to get them to scroll down.





space

drab tv

gosh.. TV today stunk. I wanted to sit down and relax after a nice day outside in the yard doing work... but no.... there was not a worth while program on. Nada. Zilch. Sooooo now I am back on the pc and doing the wrong thing... EBAY... oh gosh.. who ever gave me premission to buy off that place?

Well, it does support my habit of BEADING...

it is fun, but can be expensive. This is the mother's bracelet I make for a friend how had success with IF.


bracelet I made my MIL!

Beautiful Day...

Wow, in the last 2 days I have gotten so much stuff done. Cleaned the house(not top to bottom, but enough to rid the dog hair) and then have done so much outside yard work it is really starting to look like a house I can invite folks over to.

DH opened the swimming pool today.. might take a few days to get it really in an "open" status due to some holes we had in the cover leaked leaves and dirt into the water. That takes a few shocks to clean up and a few vac runs to clean the leaves.

My veggie garden is being planted in about 20 minutes. I will have 4 different types of tomatoes. Cherry, Roma, Big boy and a nice hybrid. 2 cucumber vines and 3 different pepper plants... 2 green and 1 red. YEAH. I love veggies and it is so liberating knowing I CAN GROW them. I picked about 50 cucumbers last year and ate them and gave them away then the tomatoes I loved and ate raw and had them on my salads and also gave them to neighbors and co-workers. I might try my hand at some spinach.. not sure yet. It is kinds getting late for that planting to happen though.

Ok, back to work ... Hope you all are having a wonderful Holiday weekend.

Oh, on the TTC front.. AF is GONE GONE GONE.. YEAH. June 10th here we come. I go back in Tuesday morning for my scan and B/w and then 2 more E2 shots this week to come and then prep for the transfer. I sure hope and pray we can get at least 2 of our 3 embies to thaw for a good transfer.

Oh, since I can't do baby aspirin, I will be on the heparin in the 2ww, did I post that already? bahahahaha, my mind is lost.

Back to work.

signs signs everywhere there are signs...

I am folding laundry tonight, yup-such a boring life that stayed home from work today and did nothing so I am doing laundry at this hour on a Friday night-what a life, I hang up dh's shirt, pants, my great second hand finds.....and what do I find????????????????

a child's sock. White ankle sock for a child maybe the age of 3 or 5 yrs old. Hmmmmmmmm

See, when going through IF, I tend to take signs of things like this and analyze them..... like asking if this is a GOOD sign for our inching into this FET cycle for it to help towards a + outcome? hehe of course I think crazy like that, but hey, if it brings on the positive thoughts and feelings more power to me.

I asked DH whos sock was it, he got a strange wrinkle between his eye brows and shrugged his shoulders like he did not know, well of course he did not, but it was funny to ask him.

Maybe this is a good sign?

HELLYEAH.

clots clots and more clots...

ewwww, this is gross so if you wish not to read.... you have been warned.



last night I passed several clots...frist this was a clot around the size of a half dollar and thick as 1/2 inch.. ugh.. I could feel something happening... lots of contraction like cramps. I passed a clot and now I just have cramps and bright bleeding. What is the world is my body doing?

should I call them, the doc? I will see in the AM if it is still bad, but for now I am heading to bed to lay down.

I give... I can't predict anything this body is trying to do. LOL

I hope it is nothing serious.

Thursday morning update.... I am ok now.. just crampy and small amounts of tissue passing now.. I can't get a grip on what my body is trying to do. This scares the chit out of me to even try and get pg with this stuff happening. Oh Lord hear our prayers to get us pregnant with this FET and keep a baby growing inside of me for 8 -9 months without incident. Please?


Ok, off to work. Hey, it is chinese food day. YEAH... one good reason to go into work. LOL

Just an "EFF" that mood....

have you ever gotten into one of those EFF- it moods while doing the ttc thing? Last night it just hit me. You know, I have been good over the last few years of not gaining weight , trying to eat right, I did loose a few lbs back when I was not cycling... I take my vitamins... I go by the book, no drinks in the cycle... etc... and still we have not had success. So a few nights ago I had some wine. I ate chips and salsa... I was not the best when it came to being a good food conscious eater. I was in an EFF it mood.
LOL
DH agreed with me last night.

Isn't it crazy what we put ourselves through? I know it will reap
rewards in the end to keep on trying, but dang, I am tired of being the "Ms. Goodie-two-shoes" in all this.

Sorry, I had to vent. I Just wondered if you ever when through thesefeelings while ttc?

Hope your day is going well. I wish I were outside in the beautiful
Sun.

One E2 shot down and 3 to go up to the 3rd of June.

all clear for take off....

I am cyst free and lining is thin and ready to be pumped with E2.... My body listened.

I start my E2 shots in the pm tonight and keep on my 5u of lupron each morning through this cycle.

(Monday)I am so lucky to have a new doc that I am confortable with already. I swear, we get along so well. He walked into the exam/us room and immediately wanted to shake my hand. Very upbeat.... I asked him if it was fun being the local Celeb on the news spot over the weekend.. and he was surprised I had said that. LOL he did a small segment on Low Ovarian Reserve in ttc... Pretty good story that even being 28-30 yrs old, you can have success with low ovarian reserve.

Sooooo, he does the US and checks the lining... All is well, it is a thin lining which is a good start to the cycle.. thus that is the reason my AF is aloof, near non-existant. LOL Which is an ok thing since I am on lupron still. Then he checked my ovaries and I have lots of antral follies ready to get my body in shape for this FET... Oh, I forgot to ask him, do they want me to ovulate in the FET cycle? hmmm, I will have to ask them when I drop off some paperwork DH needs to inital in the next few days.

After that he turned on the light and asked me if I had any questions.. YUP, of course I do... I hate it when I don't have my list of things to ask, but I did remember 2 of 3 big things... #1 was that since I am allergic to aspirin, what will he do to supplement my cycle? He said we will be doing either Heparin or Lovanox(sp?) in the 2ww and hopefully beyond into pgcy. YEAH.. #2 ? was about how many to transfer and what did he think our thaw rate will be with 3 beautiful expanded frozen day 6 blasts???? He said the thaw rate should be great and really hopes for at least 2 of the 3 to make it... he then said we needed to get my embies transferred to his lab, but I told him that has already taken place. SOOO he went out immediatly and got my frozen embie report to put in my file from the lab director at his office.


Ok, rambling.. sorry.

I had a great day.. I am to start my E2V shots tomorrow evening.. IM shots so DH gets to be involved with this cycle finally. LOL I am excited and nervous too, but blind to what an FET is all about so I take each step with a new renewed breath of fresh air.

To tease or not to Tease.....

That is the statement of the day... not the question.... Today is Sunday..My FET calendar read to "expect period" on either Friday or Saturday... Well, look at the date I am posting this.... SUNDAY.. HELLO BODY.. Listen to the damn calendar already. Listen to what the nurse and doc need you to do. I can't give you anymore subliminal hints to CATCH ON TO the INSTRUCTIONS the office is giving you NOW. Cousin Spot is now almost GONE... I need the flood gates to open up now. I can only ask so much of this body, but damnitalready... listen. If I can't get a cycle in now for a transfer on 6/10/05 then I won't be able to cycle this month. Or maybe for another 3 months. Co-worker dictates what time I can have off since she has 25 years of service in at the job and has the First pick of when she can take off. She has vacation at the end of June and is also set to be off for when her daughter has her frist child in either late July or early August. If I can only be the one pregnant and needing time off. UGH.

Sorry to rant, it is just that I am on this DANG Loopy Lupron and it is playing havoc on my moods and my swollen overdue AF body.

Ok, went to my bil's for his bday party today and I enjoyed it. My niece and nephew were there... 4.7 yrs old and 2.5 yrs old respectfully.... I really loved being in their company today.. kinda gives me hope that DH and I are almost there... ready to become parents to a child we will be blessed with soon. I loved the fun comments they both had for situations they were in today.. funny and it kept me LOL.

Ok, off to read my book for the book club that is due tomorrow night.. Ooppsss, I am on page 120 and it is a 400 page book... oops.. don't think I will finish this one either.

later.

First US and B/w tomorrow AM to determine how this cycle will go.

what? gone? nope.. just lazy ....

you got that right. I am lazy and have failed to post an update for a while. These are the snapshots of what has been happening...

Last Saturday the 14th I started that lovely Loooopppyyyy LUPON for our FET cycle. I started with 10u a day also taking bcp's on top of that so man was I getting moody. I stopped bcp's Wed night and then dropped down the Lupron from 10 u to 5u a day.. YEAH.. less chances for a headache from hell then. I am so bloated and I have the MAJOR PMS'ing munchies. Girls, you know that when you PMS... DON'T to go KRISPY KREME! FRICK... I did and now I regret it, but since I bought those damn addictive things home, you know I have to eat them now. Bahahahahahahaha

Yesterday or Today is the "Should expect Period" suggestion on my FET calendar. Well, today is 1/2 over and AF is NOT here yet. Frick.. what am I to do to get this body to understand that I NEED AF to show... You know, we women that are ttc NEVER want AF to show in the 2ww, but when we are in prep to these once in a YEAR cycles that I get to do, I NEED AF NOW and DAMN IT ALREADY she needs to show. Frick.. I want her to show and NOW she has decided to take a vacation... Ok, maybe I should go put on my favorite WHITE pair of shorts and maybe that will bring her on? (side note to those reading... I am a tubeless wonder (lost both tubes to ectopics) so no, we are NOT able to get pg so don't think that the fun DH and I have can ever give us a means to procreate! Sad, but true)

LOL

I am so lazy today... I went yard saling, but now am tired so I have no energy to do any house work and let me tell you the dust bunnies are actually making the dogs jump when they blow across the floor from the swirl of the ceiling fan. AHAHAHAHAHa....

Dust bunnies here consist of DOG HAIR. 3 dogs, who the frick gave us permission to have 3 dogs in this here house? If I wear a WHITE outfit, my 2 black dogs leaves traces of themselves on me.. IF I wear dark colors, my other blonde dog leaves her traces on me too. Thank goodness for a whirlwind vac and those lovely Masking Tape type Lint rollers. Ahhhhhhh. I have one in my car, at work, at home, in the camper.

Ok, off to go veg on the couch. Today was a wonderful day... now I have to look forward to house work tomorrow AM and then if the weather (rain expected) clears, to go outside and trim those WILDASS burning bushes out front so I don't look like the HOOSIER house on the block like some of my other city folk neighbors. Oh and I plan on planting my garden too if I can get to the local HomeDepot store. Tomatoes, cucumbers, red peppers, green peppers, and maybe some home grown spinach. Yum

Later, until I am not so lazy I can get myself up and type a new updated message. :)

Oh, I have my first FET US and B/w scheduled for Monday at 8 am .. I sure hope it is good news and also that I can make it to work by 8:30.. Yikes.

my dream job???? maybe not, but one day I will be

a NURSE. I would be good at it. I would be good with patients. I would be a WONDERFUL Infertility NURSE or US tech. I will be.... get it??? I WILL BE. I am going to consider changing my career goal and become a nurse or an US tech. I can't stand this anymore. I might have to take a few years to complete my degree, but I will do it. I am going to achieve my life long goal to help others in the medical field. I AM NEVER TOO OLD TO DO THIS.

When I was a child/kid, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up... 2 things I replied with to their questions... One would be a firefighter... well, I know damn well I am in no shape to even think about that and honestly I would never be able to live in a firefighter suit if on the job. TOOO FRICKIN' hot. My cousin is a firefighter for the City of St. Louis and I admire his will to do that. He works hard and saves lives and sometimes sadly loses a life of a victim. I don't want to deal with that. Second reply to the person asking would always be A NURSE.... well there are different option in being in the medical field and now having experienced IF myself, I honesly deep down believe I would be a wonderful help in the medical side of the infertility treatments for those that seek to become parents. I can do this because I know I will be a parent no matter if it is with success with treatments myself of IVF or through adoption.

DH agrees with me. My sister and mom both have said they think I should start going to school NOW. I couldn't agree more.

I have not talked to too many people about this, but on my way home from the local Resolve meeting tonight, I thought about it and it came to me... JUST CAME TO MY HEART that this is what I want to do.

IT is a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am at a point in my life that if I can't find a career in what I WANT to do, I will be forever stuck in this job I am in now... no advancement opportunities, sitting behind a desk for 8.5 hours a day and answering the stupid cold sales calls coming into my boss I work for. Don't get me wrong... people would DIE for the job I have and would do so to have it for the cushion to retire on, but I want excitement, I want to be there to help others achieve their goals or try to at least to become parents. Dang... this is a great feeling.

Ok, besides this NEW FOUND HOPE and goal, I am in the middle of a new Frozen Embryo Cycle. I am on bcp's now and I start taking my LUPRON (LOOPY LUPRON) this Saturday morning. YEAH. I am set to have our embryo transfer on 6.10.2005. YEAH again. I will promise to post more updates now that I am not in school and working 2 jobs. Summer vacation time.


Glory is in the air.


bec

this site is too funny... You that are addicted to POAS

What is POAS, you ask? Peeing on a stick... it is an addiction to those of us that are IF or have been through IF.

this is the site I was pointed to today and let me tell you, this really happened to me... A + OPK = A +PREGNANCY result for me, sadly mine was ectopic.. but it proved right!

http://www.peeonastick.com:16080/opkhpt/

bahahahaha, the addiction we have is over the top.

I will post an update soon. Camping is in the air...

Is it really set up?

Yuppers!

I have a tenative (yup, on paper) date for our FET transfer.

JUNE 10th is the Probable Embryo Transfer date. YEAH. I am to call with CD1 and then go in for an US and E2 draw. This will kick off the 12-15 days of bcp's then I get to add in Lupon(10iu) and Dexamethasone and 4 times we get to do E2V IM shots for E2 boosters in the almost 3 weeks of the cycle. I have several dates for US and E2 draws, then on 6/5 I go in for another E2 and US then they will call us to adjust the meds or to set up the dates for the transfer.

Of course this all rides on the idea that we can get at least 1 of our 3 frozen embies to Thaw. I really hope that at least 2 embies make the thaw. I am so scared for them.


I still have to coordinate with the embryologist at SIRM and the embryologist at my old RE's office to get my 3 frozen miracles transferred to SIRM before the 2nd week of May.

I am so excited.... It is so nice to have a protocol in hand and a perspective on when we can do this finally.


Blessings are to be had.

reminders of what I need to jot down here tmorrow....

first adoption support group meeting..
Embryo Transportation funny story....
a picture of my tuxedo strawberries...

are you wondering???? Well I will post more tomorrow night I hope. hehe.. tease

ooh ooh ooh ooh...oohooh..ooh....ooh ooh ooh ooh....

yes.. that is a title of being anxious. It all starts with having to wait these last few days.... almost a full week to hear back from Dr. A's office cycle coordintor, MK, to set up my FET dates and protocol. SHE CALLED AND I WAS NOT HOME. Go F'ing figure!.. she called my home # and did not call me at work(which I will stress and make them note in my file to call me at work or my cell # from now on dangit). She called Friday afternoon and by time I got home and got the message it was 5:50 pm and they had closed at 4:30 pm. OMG... I have to wait until 9 am Monday (today as it is 12:13 am) to call and then get the voice mail for MK for her to call me back at work on my cell phone (which will be in my pocket all day waiting for her call). I am so anxious.. hence the being up at 12:15 am tonight.

Tomorrow is going to be a strange day. I have to wait for MK's call back while I spear up the Baby SHower for a co-worker who is due in 4.5 weeks. YIKES. How funny is that? I am an office coordinator/IT Dir asst. and am in charge of getting the Cake and making a mixed fruit bowl and I elected to make chocolate covered tuxedo design strawberries. Mine don't look near as good as the picture on the chocolate package, but they taste yummy. I had to sample them before I can take them to work for the party. My theory on this related Baby shower issues is that DH and I will be greatly rewarded in due time for having hosted (me) several baby showers for family and now co-workers. I do believe, I do. I hope the good Karma reciprocates. Know what I mean? IF and baby showers are hard enough, but to host them and plan them for the office was very hard. I take it as a possible good vibe for DH and I to get good news sooner than later.

Ok, 8.5 hours or so to go before I can call SIRM.. YEAH. until tomorrow night. I will post more after I get out of school at FoPo community college. LOL

NO, It is a green light Damnitalready....

Got the call from the doc's office today..... We are covered for the FET and now we can do a cycle. YEAH


May 31st is the target week. We have 3 beautiful embies in the freezer at Dr. Pearlstone's office that we have to get the embryologist to transfer from there to SIRM office. YEAH. I call them on Monday to set this transfer up. Then I wait for a call from MK to set up the calendar for an FET(frozen Embryo Transfer) in Late May 2005.

Oh please, I am saying prayers that at least 1 or 2 embies survive the thaw of the freezer. Oh PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!


ok.. off to watch the Cardinals beat up on someone.

No, it is a RED LIGHT..... ugh

We can't proceed with the INCIID the Heart cycle unless we agree to
do the FET with our frozen embies first.


I will blog more about this later. Heavy heart, but I will have a chin up very soon! I swear this rollercoaster ride is rough.

It is a green light

YEAH...Dr. Ahlering gave us the ALL CLEAR today to set up our INCIID the HEART IVF cycle. YEAH!!!!

I await the call tomorrow from the IVF coordinator, Mary Kaye, with SIRM here in town and we will discuss the options for when we can cycle.

DH has a major month of May project going on so we can't do the retrieval and xfer then so I am crossing my fingers that we can retrieve in early June.

Please say a prayer that my body stays in check and that I can set a date in stone tomorrow!


CHEERS.

bec

baited breath

I wait... tomorrow at 3 pm I have yet another fluid Ultrasound(US) and this will determine if my blood clot in the uterus is gone or still residing attached to my septated fundal area. UGH.. I have a gut feeling it is still there and I will get that dreaded look on the doc's face. Dr. Ahlering is a sweet man, but if he looks at me like that, the dreaded look, then I will cry. Just bust out crying. I am going to cry because my body defies all rules, never listens to what it should do. BUT, big BUT if it does show that the blood clot is gone.. PRAISE THE LARD ABOVE.

I am still spotting so this leads me to believe that my body remains in odds as to what SHOULD be happening. Why is my gut feeling so strong? This internal feeling I get, it just outweighs all good. I am that girl that thinks the glass is half empty when I know I should think it is half full for a positive outlook, but it is so hard to do.

Ok, going to talk to the doc tomorrow about 2 things. Antidepressants and Metformin/Glucophage to help with weight loss. I need something to keep my emotions in check and I will see what he suggests. I am sure he won't prescribe them, but at least I can get a lead on what to ask my GP for when I call them next week and say I need help. Sleep is a thing that is not in my life. I sleep average of 4.5 hours a night again and it is cracking me up.... emotionall and mentally that is! So that goes along with the need for an antidepressant to help calm my mood, anxiety, emotions, etc. I am not one that likes to medicate to solve, but I had to do this a few years ago when we lost our twin pregnancy for the second time. I was just spent and needed something to control myself. Will it be paxil or welbutrin? hmmmm I hate it that I am even thinking of needing drugs to help. Dang it.

Metformin/Glucophage is for those that have insulin resistance problems. When I test my blood sugars, they don't show I am diabetic, so that leads my OB and myself to believe I am insulin resistant and thus the weight gain. If I can get the M/G to control this I bet I would lose about 20 lbs in a month. I need that. Weight loss will also boost my self esteem.

DH and I fight, we are both moody and I mostly blame it on me.. He is on welbutrin so he has no reason, I think I just set him off on a bad mood when I am coming home crabby and such all week and weekend long. Lard Help us.

Ok, enough for now. I will be back, stronger than ever, Happier than ever as soon as I get my IVF protocol. SOON I HOPE.


clover girl OUT............(like Seacrest OUT on AI)