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Sunday, June 19, 2005

It is over. BFN

my heart knew it too. I got the BFN on the EPT today. I know, go ahead and tell me it could be wrong or giving me a false negative, but I know it is not. Damn it already. I am sad, but the grief has left me tearless. I can't even pop one sad tear out of this dysfunctional body of mine.

We are most likely done with Infertility treatments. I can't afford to do another Fresh IVF cycle. I can't go and borrow money as we are maxed out. Family does not have money to pay for this either and my guilt would stop me from ever even asking them to help out.

I now have to wait for DH to wake up and tell him that "Sorry I can't give you a Nice Father's Day Present as the HPT was NEGATIVE or as it reads "Not Pregnant".

Oh wait, I think he is stirring in the other room to get up and go to the bathroom. Dang it. I am so sad I have to tell him it was negative.

I know my body and I can tell you with 99% certainty that I am not pregnant. I am holding off AF with lots of PIO shots and suppositories so there is no way AF could start on her own and I have never gotten a BFP with not bleeding so I know this is over. Go ahead, tell yourself I am fooling myself, but I know better. I know that when they call me tomorrow afternoon while I am at work with my 2nd beta results.. it will be negative.

Don't give me that false hope.. Sorry, but I have been through 3 miscarriages, multiple NEGATIVE IVF cycles, + cycles that only start with a bleed or two............I know my body too well and this is it. It is over. I will be a good girl tonight and do my last PIO shot then go in at 8:10 am AND do my BETA draw. I will then have to go to work with my "NEGATIVE" self and put my Happy Face on for my co-workers and boss and then I can come home and medicate my sorrow with a HUGE ASS MARGARITA. Chevy's here I come.

My heart breaks that I have to tell DH the results, but he agreed that the HPT will help us deal with the results.

I know one day we will be parents, but I will take some time to grieve this and move on when I am ready.

crawling under my rock for a long time to come.

pardon me if this blog becomes quiet for a while.... take it as my grieving process.

Thanks for keeping up with us here and thanks for keeping the hope up for us. Sometimes we just can't control Mother Nature.

until then


Tempe said...

I'm so sorry. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

tubelessstl said...

Thanks Tempe.. Thanks for being here for us through this cycle while being busy yourself. Your help with the doc was wonderful and if I can cycle with him again, I will. We will ride out the storm tomorrow and I will post an update later tomorrow night. I do wish for a miracle beta, but in my heart I know it is done. Thanks again.