Reality Bites when it comes to Infertility.

Today I went in for our 3rd beta HCG blood draw to see if we had a chance at this pregnancy being viable. Not in our cards today. Today's beta was 11.5, down from 12.8 on Monday. This is a huge hit in the gut. 99% sure it is a chemical. OUCH. I have to stay on my meds/PIO shots/ until Friday and do yet another Beta hcg blood draw. They want to make sure this is a true chemical.

What is a chemical pregnancy? Well, one of the embies from the 3 we transferred tried to implant. It sent out signals to my body that it was implanting thus the + beta #'s. But with them being as low as they were, it is most likely that the poor embie could not fight hard enough to hang onto the lining and is disolving by itself. It could not attach. I chalk that up to the fact that these were frozen embies and when frozen then thawed for transfer, they lose strength and cells. I guess our embies did not have the full strength to dig in and stay.

Now comes the hard part. My body going through a miscarriage is not a fun trip. I have been there too many times to count. 2 ectopics that ended in Laporoscopies and D&C's(7/99 and 10/00 for each ectopic and reason I lost both tubes). 1 miscarriage of an 8 w(week) baby boy fetus due to am implantation most likely on the septum that I had in my uterus, also ended in a D&C (2/00). Miscarriage of twin babies at 8w3d due to subchorionic bleed (one girl for sure of the twins)(10/02), then miscarriage yet again of twin babies at 10w due to another subchorionic bleed.(10/03). Now this chemical miscarriage at 4w (6/05).

Sad history. I hope to not repeat again on any account of it all.

I don't ask for pity party. I just want you to know the desire to have a child is strong for both DH and I. We were put on this earth to meet each other and procreate a child together to raise for them to marry and procreate also. I do believe we will be parents in due time one way or another, but I am close to finished with this roller coaster ride that keeps jerking off track for us. I want a COOL FUN RIDE and I know it will be difficult to find if we become pregnant again from the next and FINAL , IVF treatment we will be seeking sometime this year.

I talked to DH tonight when I got home. We will try one last fresh IVF cycle and that is it. Then we are going to hunker down and save our funds for about 2.5 years to be able to afford adoption domestically. I admit the urge for a newborn is too strong to want to go internationally for a baby that is 8-9 months old or older by time we adopt them.

I will try and figure out how we will grieve this loss. I have an idea of buying a nice tree and planting it in our back yard this fall. Or maybe a brick to add to the Angel of Hope memorial in St. Charles MO at Blanchette Park.

DH said something to me tonight..... This loss makes him question if there is a GOD out there. Why would GOD punish us like this? WOW.... profound statement from him, but it sure makes me think.

Ok, Thank goodness there is a support group meeting this weekend. I was suppose to go to a baby shower for my co-workers daughter(also a co-worker) but I will be missing that to go to the support group instead.