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Monday, April 04, 2005

baited breath

I wait... tomorrow at 3 pm I have yet another fluid Ultrasound(US) and this will determine if my blood clot in the uterus is gone or still residing attached to my septated fundal area. UGH.. I have a gut feeling it is still there and I will get that dreaded look on the doc's face. Dr. Ahlering is a sweet man, but if he looks at me like that, the dreaded look, then I will cry. Just bust out crying. I am going to cry because my body defies all rules, never listens to what it should do. BUT, big BUT if it does show that the blood clot is gone.. PRAISE THE LARD ABOVE.

I am still spotting so this leads me to believe that my body remains in odds as to what SHOULD be happening. Why is my gut feeling so strong? This internal feeling I get, it just outweighs all good. I am that girl that thinks the glass is half empty when I know I should think it is half full for a positive outlook, but it is so hard to do.

Ok, going to talk to the doc tomorrow about 2 things. Antidepressants and Metformin/Glucophage to help with weight loss. I need something to keep my emotions in check and I will see what he suggests. I am sure he won't prescribe them, but at least I can get a lead on what to ask my GP for when I call them next week and say I need help. Sleep is a thing that is not in my life. I sleep average of 4.5 hours a night again and it is cracking me up.... emotionall and mentally that is! So that goes along with the need for an antidepressant to help calm my mood, anxiety, emotions, etc. I am not one that likes to medicate to solve, but I had to do this a few years ago when we lost our twin pregnancy for the second time. I was just spent and needed something to control myself. Will it be paxil or welbutrin? hmmmm I hate it that I am even thinking of needing drugs to help. Dang it.

Metformin/Glucophage is for those that have insulin resistance problems. When I test my blood sugars, they don't show I am diabetic, so that leads my OB and myself to believe I am insulin resistant and thus the weight gain. If I can get the M/G to control this I bet I would lose about 20 lbs in a month. I need that. Weight loss will also boost my self esteem.

DH and I fight, we are both moody and I mostly blame it on me.. He is on welbutrin so he has no reason, I think I just set him off on a bad mood when I am coming home crabby and such all week and weekend long. Lard Help us.

Ok, enough for now. I will be back, stronger than ever, Happier than ever as soon as I get my IVF protocol. SOON I HOPE.

clover girl OUT............(like Seacrest OUT on AI)

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