keeping the calm

is it possible?

We were presented to a birthfamily this past weekend, but I am going to remain calm about this because we don't know if she will select us or not. But it sure lit a fire under my butt to get to the store tomorrow night and register and hit my sister up for some baby items.

hopefully I can post an update by the beginning of next week.

Happy Easter to you all.

registering

never in the 7 years of IF did I even venture to the baby registry sites online and I totally avoided going into the stores if possible. (yes, walgreens sells gift cards!!)

So, I asked DH to join me in going to the store and registering. My mom has bugged me over the last week to register soon. Hmmm, I wonder why?!

I got a list from the chesterfield store, it was from the events coordinator that is hosting the adoptive parenting event on April 29th. If you need details, post and I will email them to you. Yup, BBRU is having an event. I also got word of a free event on May 5th I think. I will have to find that info and pass it along to you all. It is involving agencies, vendors, etc all realted to adoption. Fun.

I registered on pampers.com and will register with the formula companies too. I am not sure if this adoptive breastfeeding try will work for us, but we will see after the may 22nd surgery. I can't start the meds now because I can't be on them for surgery.

Any other sites you recommend I register on?

marching forward

today is a good day. AF is nearly gone. YEAH. LIke you need to know that.. but get it, this brings us closer to may 22nd(see below) and Freedom from the mean AF.

Camping this past weekend was great. I was able to relax and get some sleep yesterday. Now to get myself to go to bed early tonight. LOL Yeah right.

Soprano's is on next, then that show on HBO with Bill Paxton... Big Love or Real love or something like that. LOL... Oh I have tivo to watch too. fun.

Al MacInnis night for the St. Louis Blues is going on right now. The St. Louis Blues retired his jersey number into the rafters at the Savvis Center tonight. Congrats to Al and his family. I miss his style and grace on the ice. We so need him. Our beloved Blues did not have a very nice season. Heck, I feel as though I have not connected with this hockey season at all this year. Sad. Maybe next year. Anyway..... Thanks for all your hard work and making hockey fun for us all Al MacInnis.

Ok, off to catch up on emails. BTW, what is up with the 470 spam emails I had in my email box today? dang it.

hyterecomy date set. I am done with this

out with my defective uterus.

May 22nd is the day. Just waiting on the call from the doc's office to say what time I have to be there. LAVH is what they call it. Laporoscopic assisted vaginal hysterecomy(partial as we will possibly leave the ovaries in there). I will be in for about 24 hours if no complications. I am sad this has to happen, but I am not able to function each month like this with major bleeding and down time from work. I live in the bathroom each cycle day 2-6 and it is not worth it anymore. I will spare you the details.

My insurance did not balk at booking this even though it is a new company we have since January. Thank goodness.

more later

Cardinals fans.. come one come all

I was born and raised a St. Louis Cardinal Baseball fan. I live about 12 minutes from the downtown stadium. The St. Louis Cardinals NEW Busch Stadium is in my sights for the game Tuesday night to see the Memphis Redbirds(farm club for our St. Louis Cardinals) team whomp up on Double-A Springfield. hehe.

I will take my camera, binoculars, and warm clothes if it gets cold. I am so pumped. We will be there for the first ever game played, although not THE St. Louis Cardinals team initiation... but still. WOW.

I will post pictures later in the week.

I can't wait to see how well our St. Louis Cardinals team does this year.

GO CARDINALS.



former lover of hockey, but always a Red BIRD FAN!

ticker test

are you counting? I'm not

Yeah Right. Hahahahaha.

Today is day 11 of the wait since our home study was approved(trying to find one of those tickers to post here). Day 11 of knowing that there really is a baby out there for us. Just think, there could be a baby gestating that could be born in days, weeks, months times to our hearts and arms. I can only imagine the worries, heartaches and pain the potential birthmother would be going through. I often find blogs online to read of birthmothers and have found a new respect for what they have gone through. No, I will never fully understand their side of things as might they never understand our side of things, but I hope and pray that they find the strength in their hearts to make it through their decisions no matter what the situations turn out to be or whom they decide on to welcome their child into home and heart.

I am able to finally go out and shop for baby things in stores. Most recently we were looking for a baby changing table, no not a changing table, but really a dresser that I could use the top of it for the baby's changing station. To put a changing pad on top of and have drawers below to put clothes, diapers, wipes, necessities in below where I change our future baby and dress them.

I have also been looking at glider/ottoman's. I have a nice rocker, but I wanted something very comfortable. But we will see if that is something I can swindle from family. hehe. Oh, we did find the dresser/changing table from my mom's boyfriend. I have to paint it, but that is ok. I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars for a dresser when I can find one near and welcome it in from family. Heck the crib is from my sister who had purchased it new for my niece who is now near 13 years old(nope, no recalls on it either from the Welsh baby carriage company). A Family heir loom hand me down that I proudly accepted. FUN.


Now, you all know it is Spring time and yard sale season. I am on my way out the door now to recycle my soda cans and use that money for baby items I can find for the nursery. Crib sheets, onsies...etc. I am also hoping to find one or two lamps for the room too. Wish me luck.

CHEERS to wonderful weather this very day. YEAH.


check you all later.

another funny keyword search that hit my blog

pregnant burping


I will leave it at that. No, not me pg burping, but someone searched the www and found those words on my blogity good entries. LOL

weekends are too short

I so wish the USA had a 4 day a week work week and 3 day weekend. LOL, Long wish that will never happen I am sure. I wish I had a maid to do laundry and clean house because that is time taken out of our lives that I can't enjoy with FUN things to do. No, laundry is NOT FUN and if you say it is, you need some serious help. It is a chore and I should get paid to do it. Yes, paid to do my own laundry. Instead, I wish I were out being able to enjoy my DH and I together instead of dusting, sweeping the hair of 3 furdoggies and one furkitty. Etc for all jobs related to our home. Ha.


Well, after searching on the internet for adoption grant resources, I came up with 2 to apply for so far. But funny thing is I can't do one of them yet (other is signed sealed and delivered via the net) because I need to print the application out on legal sized paper. Heck, I don't have any of that. Looks like Office Depottt will be the first stop on my way home from work tomorrow for a ream of legal sized paper. Hahahaha.

I will say my prayers (ok, prayers done for tonight) and hope and pray that the grants applied for will help us in some way, shape or form.

Yard sale details. I am accepting donations of items of used value to put into our yard sale on April 22nd(email me at twogoots at yahoo dot come if you might have an item to donate for the cause) for the purpose of fundraising the Legal team fees of our adoption(1500.00) and then to cover at least 4-6 weeks of work pay because my employer does not have an PAID leave for employees adopting. Sure I get leave, I can take up to 12 weeks off via FMLA, BUT THEY WON'T PAY ME FOR ANY OF THAT. I must either take the time off at placement WITHOUT PAY until I am ready to return back to work(minimum of 6 weeks) or vacation time. I make ok monies at my job, but remember we have gone through 6.5 years of out of pocket expenses to try and have a biological child through IF treatments(hence the title of my blog here, tubeless=ivf). Oh, I am saving 3 weeks of vacation time at the least so I can get paid for a few days off work, but I can't carry that over into 2006 so I must use it this year or lose it. So if we have to wait until early 2007 to be matched and then placed, I have to use up my current vacation b4 Dec 31st.

So our adoption costs are unfolding like this.

so far we have put out 3060.00 for the following two lists:

300.00 application fee
1500.00 contract fee
500.00 first part of home study
500.00 final part of home study

approx $260.00 for the following:
finger prints, copies of both of our birth certificates(certfied), marriage lic(certified copy), physicals(copays), plus profile print copies from your neighborhood kinko's.

It is adding up, but so glad our agency does not require more up front.

Amen to that.

Thanks for reading and sorry if it sounds like I am being a begger for funding, but I think a yard sale is a good way for spring cleaning.

Oh, btw, every time I get home and have money in my pocket, I put some of it in the piggy bank... change or dollars or even some 5 dollar bills. At the end of this month I will open it up and tell you how much I was able to put in there without thinking about it. You know, you addicted Starbucks people, just think about how much you spend on that morning boost, I bet it adds up, so when I have that extra change in my pocket/wallet from my morning addictions too, I put them in the piggy bank when I get home.

Ok, enough rambling.. Off to bed to dream of some more fundraising ideas.

What a rush

when good things happen to you and it sometimes takes a while to sink in, but don't you just love that RUSH of a good feeling that comes out of that sinking in phase? I do.

Today I was going through our finalized home study paperwork (I picked up from the agency last night) and realized that we have been looked at as a "Family" ready to adopt a baby and highly recommended to the governing party that will hopefully approve us in the courts of law when the time comes. The Social worker was very thorough and came to a conclusion that we, "best friends" for over 15 years, are a happily married couple that is "worthy" of adoption and can welcome a child into our homes with much love and happiness to share. I know, that all sounds like puppy love talk, but that is how it is spelled out in laymans terms.

I feel good.

I feel ready to be a mom.

I am scared, don't get me wrong, but man it is a joyous scared, giddy scared.

DH mentioned to me today (while he was at jury duty) that he got several very positive responses from others that asked him if we had any children and he responded with "we are in the waiting period of adopting." I love seeing him excited that others are excited for us. all of them had very supportive things to say and wished us much luck.

Is it that, Luck? Well, I see it this way, DH and I will be so lucky to one day be chosen by a potential birthfamily to welcome their child into our hearts and home. LUCKY indeed. I feel lucky that I will be able to share my craft hobbies, love for the outdoors, love of animals and love of learning about life and living it up with fun times.

We strive for so many things in our lives and becoming parents is our ultimate goal. I can't wait to get down on the floor activity mat with our child and teach them how to extent their arm out and grasp for that one enticing toy that hangs from the activity gym rack. That one that has the brilliant colors and jingles as the gym rack sustains the tug of a tiny little arms and hand and fingers. I can't wait for that moment I can walk into a room and our child will reach his or her arms out for MOMMY. I can't wait for daddy to blow raspberries on his or her belly and make them giggle so softly. I can't wait to watch our child take their first nap so I can watch them sleep soundly. Chest rising with each breath, eyes in deep sleep REM and their sweet little lips pursing the air for a suck of a nuk.

I can finally dream of these things and know they will become reality.

Now if I can only get myself to sleep more than 2 hours stretches, I can then begin to enjoy long sweet dreams. Sure, I know there will be a worrisome dream thrown in there about him or her, but I can take that worry and plot out what I feel will be a possible solution. I won't always have answers to things that happen in our lives with a child in active stature in our house, but I can sure try like hell and enjoy every moment to make it better each day.

Now onto praying and hoping that potential birthmothers come soon and that they can find us in their hearts and lives soon.

Prayers go to the Pearlstone family(death ment)

Matthew Pearlstone was found dead in a dorm room in VA. Matthew is the son of the my (I last saw him for IVF in fall 2004)Reproductive Endocrinologist Dr. Anthony Pearlstone. I am so sad for his family. I remember seeing Matthews exact picture on the doc's shelf in his office. I am heartbroken that Dr. P has lost his son when he is the man that is in the medical field to help other couples / women/ etc. make their families through infertility treatments. Wow. How crazy is that. I am sorry they lost their son. I know the office staff said Dr. P is a dedicated Family man and I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child(although I have lost many pregnanices, this is incomprehensible to me).

I am going to send a sympathy card to the office with a donation to Matthews fund.

My prayers go out to their family.

I love getting these calls

about 2:30 today I got a "Local" number call on my phone, now when I get these I always jump because it could be work, family, friends or even better yet, it can be the Adoption agency... YOU BET IT WAS the adoption agency calling. YIPPPEEE> Our finger prints came back and were ok(better have been!) and we are now approved and finalized for our homestudy. WOOHOOO. I go tomorrow to drop off the $500 check and then pick up the home study packet that is finalized. Ahhhhhhh. MAJOR sigh of relief. What a huge hurdle.

So as the time line goes...

We applied to this agency on January 25th 2006 and today, March 21st 2006 we are officailly Waiting to be presented to a potential birthfamily/mother.

Ok, off to bed to dream of the good things ahead of us.


btw, Infertility rears its head, I am O'ing and my body feels like I have 4 bowling balls in my abdomen. Mean body.. mean. What a tease to ovulate and not be able to have fun with DH to make a baby. Dang it.

I did not need to hear that

I was told by a fellow perspective adoptive friend that the wait at our agency might be as long as 18 months for an infant. WTF?! I am seriously thinking that if our wait for an infant is that long, i will have gone crazy in the time we would wait. I am scared to face a long wait like that. With domestic adoption, there is not telling how lnog the wait will be, but 18 months is on the long end of the wait time from what I have been told. Yikes.

I want to be able to remain confident that we will manage our lives ok with the wait time, no matter how long it takes. I am just scared we will be too anxious like we have already done with the fixing up of the nursey as noted below. I mean, did I jinx ourselves by doing this so quickly? Did we set ourselves up for being disappointed? Who knows, only time will tell of course. I know we have things to keep us busy and focused in the next month .... waiting for our finger prints to come back and then hopefully the OK that our home study is done and passed with approval, then we start our adoptive parenting classes the first thursday in APril for 5 weeks. So that will keep us busy. I am just anxious, nervous, scared, excited all bundled up in this body of mine and DH is feeling the same way.

We did say maybe we need to talk to the agency owner to calm our fears. I will try and email her this week to check on how things are going and if she heard back about our finger prints yet. 3.5 weeks since they were mailed off? or was it 2.5? I think it was 2.5 today. Hmmm. LOL. overly anxious, you bet!

camping was great this weekend. Chilly, but that is what a camp fire is for. Sure, we have a camping trailor so it is nice to sleep in, but we do spend lots of time outdoors enjoying the nature. Did you realize we have a camping site in the Greater Metropolitian area? Sure do, Babler State Park on the outskirts of Wildwood MO by Chesterfield MO. Beautiful park, great walking paths.. can't beat it. Sure, it might not be far for you, but for me, the city dweller, it is like being in the Country to me. That is a great place to go and actully be close enough to work so I don't have to take a full day of vacation time.

Speaking of vacation time.... I don't get paid leave for when we are placed with a baby from adoption. Nope. Dang it. So I am on the war path for fund raising. Might you have some fund raising ideas you can share with me? I am having a yard sale and am looking for donations of items so post to me here if you know of kids toys or items that might not be of use to you anymore, but you might consider donating our way. I am not a begger, but man this is hard to come up with at least 6 weeks of money to cover my pay at work. I would actually love to stay home 8 weeks if possible. I can take up to 12 weeks off work by FMLA, but it is not paid and my work is not willing to budge on that one. They'd cover me for 8 weeks if I had or would give birth physically, but since I won't give birth when adopting(hello, I can't have my own child physically), I won't get paid. We have funds, but most of them are being dedicated to the cost of the adoption process so I have to find creative ways to raise funds to at least have in the bank as extra to cover my income for those 6-8 weeks I will be at home bonding with our baby hopefully.

Any fundraising ideas would be so helpful.

thanks.

you all better behave

dh and I are busy this weekend with the doogies so you all better behave.

HAPPY ST. PAT'S DAY.

so the main point of my story is....

Trying to address the Frozen embryo issue with DH is like a ticking time bomb. He says I am obsessed with this one frozen embryo we have. He said I need to "Forget" about it. I was livid. I will not NOT NOT forget about our embie in the freezer and WILL NEVER forget about it. NEVER. I agreed that I will not focus on it all the time, but I will not leave the idea of surrogacy alone. Why surrogacy? Well I am going to have to have a hysterectomy because I have been bleeding for 21 straight days now. It is obvious to me that "I" can't do any more fertility treatments and I have to learn how to grieve that loss in my own way, but to tell me I need to FORGET about our embie, no way. He said to at least stop talking about it every other day. I told him I have not talked about it in about 4 weeks due to the bleeding issues. He then agreed I was right. MEN... MEN.. MEN.

LOL

Ok, back to the focus on the adoption front. I am going to the library this next week to loan out some books on adoption and the baby's first year. Any suggestions on the baby's first year books?

btw, look at What dh did in the nursery tonight.. decals on fan and this view

I also scored this on craigslist

the yucky 24 hour bug stinks...

After the home study I fell ill. Man, the 24 hour tummy bug sure sucks. Ugh. I had to cancel on 2 friends and I hate that. Sorry Pam! DH came down with it tonight. MIL came down with it today and said it was the worst she has felt in ages. What gives? Is it something in the water, air, food? Yuck. Glad I have a good hand held game in the loo.

Adoptive Families mag came in this weekend. Yeah. I love this mag. It is very informative and has so many good tips and articles to put my worries at ease. I especially love the ages section they do. I saw DH glance at it too. sweet.

I am getting a John Lennon High chair off of craigslist. Thanks Mel for the link to it. Great deal and she said it was in great shape so I will go pick it up Tuesday night after work. Fun.

Oh, btw, The social worker liked the nursery! Ahhh, it is nice to have something positive to look at. I actually went in there the other night and sat in the rocking chair for about 5 minutes looking around at the crib and newly painted walls and border we put up. I love it. It is a huge step in the right direction for us to have done. Never in the 6.5 years of Infertility would I have even given a nursery a thought, well we did once when pg with the twins in 2003, but that was for a brief few weeks sadly.

Oh, I have heard that BabiesRus is doing an adoption event sometime in APril. I will post details when I get them..Nice. I sure wonder if there were enough people that biotched about the lack of concern for perspective adoptive families or what?! Maybe it was a person that worked in corperate offices that decided they had to approach BBRU for this event. Nice! THanks to whomever it was or however it came about. More on this when I find out details. I will post them here of course.

stay tuned

we so needed this

part 2 of the home study is DONE. Yeah. Our home is nice and spotless, well except for the neverending dog hair. But it was good that we had this in home visit of the home study because we so needed to clean this house. LOL

The visit lasted just over an hour. The dogs loved her and would not stop bugging her. I hope that is not a bad thing. LOL She has a big dog so she seemed ok with them. But we have 3 dogs. LOL

OK, off to get lunch and relax for a few hours.

is anyone up for margaritaville?

I am serious.. I so need a moment out right now.

anyone? ok, if not this Saturday night(only night available for a drink) then maybe in 2 weekends? Girls night out?

Anyone?

take out the plumbing before adoption?

I can't stress to you enough that going through a box of 40 tampons in 3 days time is ridiculous. I started taking yasmin bcp's for prep to the adoptive breastfeeding protocol a week ago this past Thursday. Well, that makes today day # 12 of solid bleeding and it is because of the bcp's. I can't tolerate them. If you have been blessed with very simple menstrual periods(AF), bless you and I envy you. I have a uterus that is deemed EVIL and has proven to not be worth crap as far as being able to carry a pregancy to viability ........ so after stopping the bcp's now, I get to deal with my AF another 2 weeks longer in addition to the 12 days I am already bleeding. Sorry TMI TMI, I know, but it is my daily dealings lately and I just need to vent about this.

So the pending question is... Should I put adoption on hold in order to book the doc to take out my uterus?

My uterus is useless, I can't carry a baby, it causes me to have 14 day long AF's usually and POOR DH is deprived because I have no libido. LOL

BUT again, should I put the adoption on hold or just proceed with it although I will need to take about 4-5 weeks off work paid medical leave to have my PARTIAL hysterectomy? (I will leave in the ovaries because I refuse to go through menopause at 36 years of age. I can tolerate going back into surgery in about 10 years or so if they ovaries need to come out.

I know this is a decision DH and I will need to make together, but I wanted your thoughts on this subject too. Sure, I will always feel robbed of one of the major functions I was born to do, conceive and give birth, but I will deal with that in counseling.

I keep telling myself, I want to be a mommy more than anything now and I just need to let the sad days of IF roll behind me, never to be forgotten oh no, but in order to put the IF behind me I need to take out parts of the plumbing too.

What happens if I am on medical leave and we get a call from the adoption agency (say post 2 weeks from surgery) that they have a newborn for us. What would I do? I know my mom would be able to help as well as DH taking time off work paid, but wow, I just know that would be my luck. LOL Maybe that is a good thing and I should just go forward with the hysterectomy? Hummmmm



let me know what you think.

peek again if you wish....

next step of the NURSERY

And MORE

Today I booked our In Home Home study for a week from tomorrow. FUN. Now I have to REALLY clean house. LOL

My only insecurity of this home study visit in house is having dogs! Can anyone calm my worried that the social worker will NOT mark us down as NOT being eligible for adopting if we have dogs in this house?

Take a peek

from this


to this so far


I will post more later this week of the border and curtains.

These colors coordinagte with the crib pattern we both wanted 3 years ago when we were pregnant with twins. The pattern was discontinued and we had to buy it off ebay, but it is what we both wanted in colors and we can't wait to go pick up the furniture from family friends(this is a crib and dresser my sister is passing down to us that friends have for now).

I know, seems we are jumping fast at decorating a nursery, but believe me, it is a focus we both have right now and after so much heartache over the last few years, we finally have a POSITIVE focus on things.

I got my fingerprints done so I am mailing them off with Dh's prints to the state tomorrow with our 28.00 fees to go with them. I sure hope they go quick. How long does it take when you mail them out?

costs so far: 300-application, 1500-contract, 500-fist part of home study, 90-profile prints, 40-profile software, 7-profile folders, 28-fingerprints to state, 3&4 bucks for fingerprint processing, around 90 for crib/nursery things, 120 for paint/fan/etc nursery, I know there is more, like adoptive families mag(24 bucks?), birth certificates-24 bucks or so, marriage lic-12 bucks. I will make a spreadsheet tomorrow of our costs. I want to track these things. LOL

I have to call for a doc appointment for my physical.

I am so lucky to have so many things to look forward to.

AF (cycle day 5) was very very mean to me so much so that I stayed home today. I could not leave the bathroom for 20 minutes throughout the day. I so stood in the bathroom mirror this AM and cried my eyes out over contemplating setting up a hysterectomy. I hate it. BUT thank goodness I have such other positive things to look forward to. Like our support group meeting coming up. My book club book. Etc..

I won't let AF defeat me!

tooth brush and windex

if only you could have seen DH and I working so hard today TOGETHER in the same room. The future Nursery of our baby. That is where we were today. Cleaned out the junk(now I have to sort that out in the basement rooms) and dusted, removed old border, used a tooth brush to clean the base board trim, used windex to clean the window ledges, and yet still more to do.

Went to lowes tonight to buy the moss green bottom room wall paint and a pale yellow to go above the border(john lennon real love).

I called my mom tonight and asked her what she is doing tomorrow afternoon, she said "Not much, why?" I invited her to come paint with us... She was giddy with giggles. LOL This woman is more excited that DH and I put together. LMAO I love it.

Maybe we can take a few pictures of us painting. I did get a few pictures today of us cleaning out the room and DH ripping off the old border.

We bought a white ceiling fan to put in the nursery. DH found a fan online that was decorated with John Lennon Real Love decals and wanted to buy it, but I talked him into buying the fan from lowes and then I would buy the decals off ebay and put them on there myself. He agreed and actually went to ebay himself and found the decals and bought them too! LOL Gung-ho.

Anti-social Non-Mardi Gras goers here! Just happy nursery preppin' fools instead

skating to our next step

We have skated past our first home study visit. In office social worker sit down interview/gab session for 1.5 hours. It was actually fun. She is so warming, so welcoming and reassuring that we are doing well with our paperchase and she LOVED our profile. She will review our letter once more and if we need to change anything she will call us.

Now to find an infant cpr option. Long story there.

Next on the agenda:

1) book physical and get TB test
2) get employer letter of employment verification
3) get fingerprints done and send to Jeff City.
4) get last letter of reference(4 of 5 collected and turned in now)
5) have a margarita! *yup, I can do that! neener neener neener*
6) I forget. LOL

What a great day. I was so not nervous going into this home study visit. Nice.

Oh, btw, all those people that told us to be prepped for at least 1 inch thick paperwork stack to fill out when the home study starts, YOU ARE SO WRONG. My agency said it is crazy that some agencies have you fill out all of that paperwork. It really replaces what she can do as a social worker and can feel out in an interview in person. So... no stacks of inches of paperwork to fill out. We are virtually done with the paperwork.

In all reality, we could be ready to be shown to potential birthmothers in a matter of 6 weeks from now. (depending how long the fingerprints take to get back approved!)

WOW. that is only weeks away. SWEET.

Oh, the adoption parenting classes start the first Thursday in April.


YEAH!

Thank God For Kids... kenny chesney

I REALLY HOPE I CAN SING THIS TO OUR Forever CHILD in the near future while I cuddle him or her while rocking them in their nursery at our home.


If it weren't for kids have you ever thought
There wouldn't be no Santa Clause
Look what the store just brought
Thank God for Kids

We'd all live in a quiet house
Without Big Bird or a Mickey Mouse
And Kool-aid on the couch
Thank God for Kids

Thank God for kids there's magic for a while
A special kind of sunshine in a smile
Do you ever stop to think? or wonder why?
The dearest thing to Heaven is a child

Daddy how does this thing fly?
A hundred other where's and why's
You really don't know but we try
Thank God for Kids

When you look down in those trustin eyes
That look to you, you realize
Its love that you can't buy
Thank God for Kids

Thank God for there's magic for a while
A special kind of sunshine in a smile
Do you ever stop to think? or wonder why?
The dearest thing to Heaven is a child

When you get down on your knees tonight
To thank the Lord for his guiding light
And pray they turn out right
Thank God for Kids

hail, print shop, kinkos, branson

I so wish I had the energy to post about these things, but the last item in the subject is my concern now.. A RETAIL THERAPY SHOPPING TRIP TO BRANSON. NO MEN! Just girlfriends! Meeting up with cyber friends is going to be a blast. YEAH.

Branson here I come.

Stay tuned to the weekend to hear my "HAIL, PRINT SHOP, KINKOS" updates. LOL I promise I will write about those later and I will have an upate to that list below. LOL

RETAIL THERAPY HERE I COME>

check list revisions

1) finish revisions on birthparent(s) letter

2) finish print shop photo profile of 8-10 pages

3) book our home study

4) CLEAN THE HOUSE(no, really, you don't understand. I know many say to not worry about the home study cleaning of the house, but if you knew me in person and have been to my house, I have that FORBIDDEN room in my house that is off limits .. even to my DH!)

5) order the birth certificates for myself (dh is responsible for his)

6) find out when we need to get finger prints done and where

7) clean

8) Oh, did I mention, CLEAN THE ROOM

9) order a certified copy or two of our marriage license

10) take a deep breath

11) eat some of DH's home made chicken and dumplins

12) clean that room

13) (my fav # btw) get clinic records on our pets stating they are healthy and up to date on shots(wait, is this necessary with domestic adoption? I guess when we get the home study packet we will know for sure).

14) 1 2 3 4 5 reference letters

yank it

my tooth that is !!!!!!!!!

I have to search for an orthdontist to do my root canal. Yuck.

So much for saving for the adoption process.. Even with insurance it is going to cost about 385.00 out of pocket to root canal it and put a post in it for a future cap.

I won't get caught up

The bloggin' world is one that is unique to many ideas, ways, customs etc for journaling your thoughts and anything you wish to talk about(literally)... Well I read a bunch of blogs that contain infertility related happenings, and more so now than anything I read blogs that pertain to adoption. Whether it be international adoption or domestic, they all give me hope on the most part to keep chugging along because we will reach our ultimate goal of becoming parents more so than keeping on with fertility treatments (with a less than 20% chance of ever carrying a viable pregnancy to term with this faulty uterus of mine, I was born with a complete fundal to cervix septum that was removed in 5 surgeries and I still can't carry to viability).

Why am I talking about blogs? Well, recently I have found that many in the blogging community I read have been at odds and it is really sad from my point of view. Sure, you have the right to SAY whatever you want, but repercussions of words can have a lasting profound effect (or is that affect?) on others in your community. The inevitable lost friendships can happen if you rub another blogger the wrong way. Ouch. I tend to refrain from being involved for the most part when these prickly rubbings happen. Thank goodness I can just step away from it all. I like to just come here and just down my thoughts and feelings. I don't like to "RAG" on other bloggers per say, but sometimes the hurtfulness they find in themselves to go out and poke and prod others is just gut wrenching when it happens.

I am a reserve person to an extend and with stepping into the realm of the bloggin' atmosphere, I have learned quickly how to keep saying "I won't get caught up in that fiasco I just read about". Sure, I read about those sticky situations, but I tend to keep my bloggin' mouth shut because I am not one that likes to offend or get offended. I feel for those that were hurt by words said from the mouths or typed words of others that dig into the heart, but I try and remind myself that I have enough stress over other things in my life that I just can't let the bloggin' world upset me like it has to some others.

One word of advice, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER if it so hurtful for you to be involved with such hate and ignorant words flung over the cyber waves. It is so not worth the mindfuck and heartaches.

I am so glad I have a distraction these days...... One step closer each day to our family growing through the wonderful blessing by adoption.


Mood today: panicky to get this Picture profile done this weekend(time is quickly running out)

Music: Greatest hits by The Fixx

Also listening to DH snore!(btw, dh is going in to do a sleep study this week! YEAH VICTORY on my part as I counted that he stopped breathing 4 times in a 45 minute period the other night while he slept on the couch and I was sitting here at the computer! I think he finally got the hint to go do the sleep study after I told him that. I mean I counted to at least 10 seconds each time he stopped breathing. I think that is quite serious!)

check list!

well, things are rolling along, here are a few updates...
(btw, I got my crib bedding in the other night ... so cute and we really like it because we can use it as gender neutral, YEAH!)


1) finish revisions on birthparent(s) letter

2) finish print shop photo profile of 8-10 pages

3) book our home study

4) CLEAN THE HOUSE(no, really, you don't understand. I know many say to not worry about the home study cleaning of the house, but if you knew me in person and have been to my house, I have that FORBIDDEN room in my house that is off limits .. even to my DH!)

5) order the birth certificates for myself (dh is responsible for his)

6) find out when we need to get finger prints done and where

7) clean

8) Oh, did I mention, CLEAN THE ROOM

9) order a certified copy or two of our marriage license

10) take a deep breath

11)eat some of DH's home made chicken and dumplins

12) clean that room

13) (my fav # btw) get clinic records on our pets stating they are healthy and up to date on shots(wait, is this necessary with domestic adoption? I guess when we get the home study packet we will know for sure).

breaking ground this week

ummmm, kicking it in high gear.. this is my check list for the next few days....


1) finish revisions on birthparent(s) letter

2) finish print shop photo profile of 8-10 pages

3) book our home study

4) CLEAN THE HOUSE(no, really, you don't understand. I know many say to not worry about the home study cleaning of the house, but if you knew me in person and have been to my house, I have that FORBIDDEN room in my house that is off limits .. even to my DH!)

5) order the birth certificates for myself (dh is responsible for his)

6) find out when we need to get finger prints done and where

7) clean

8) Oh, did I mention, CLEAN THE ROOM

9) order a certified copy or two of our marriage license.

10) take a deep breath

11) eat some of DH's home made chicken and dumplins

12) clean that room

13) (my fav # btw) get clinic records on our pets stating they are healthy and up to date on shots(wait, is this necessary with domestic adoption? I guess when we get the home study packet we will know for sure).

ahhhhhhhh, I am sure I will find more #'s to add to this list later.


That is it for today.

although I city dwell......

I still love walking out onto the deck on a chilly winter night, while letting the pups outside, and enjoying the smell of a wood burning stove from neighbors houses. When I was growing up, my parents always had a wood burning stove in the house. It was so warm on that floor, 2nd story of a 3 story brick house in the City(historic Shaw Neighborhood). We would get a load of wood from the Muny Parking lot (city gave wood away for free in huge pieces every other week. You come pick it up and chop it for FREE. So my brother would use the axe and chisel and break the wood apart. He even got smart one year and borrowed a gas powered splicer. We had lots of wood that winter to use and boy was it warm.

I am a lover of a nice warm stove. I so wish we had a fire place in our house. WOod burning that is. I know gas fire places are nice, but the smell and warmth of a wood burner can't be beat.

The Pot Belly Stove is a missed item in my life today. In order to get my fix.. I make a nice camp fire when camping!!!!

one letter down

and a profile to go and then it is time to call for setting up our home study and cleaning the back bedroom and 2 basement rooms so we can get the nursery going.

Ahhhh.

Let me tell you, I found it hard in a way to sit down and write a letter about ourselves. Both dh and I worked on this letter. I wrote many paragraphs and I had him help edit and get it ready to print. I will go back over it tomorrow and then on Monday contact the agency to drop it off for her suggestions and edits.

Now to learn how to use Print Shop for building our profile.

I have lots of good online photos to use, but i think I need to go through the photo albums and then go to the local cornerwalgreens and copy a few to use from the older days before a digital camera. LOL... Now that I have a digital camera(as does dh) we don't tend to print ANY Pictures out anymore. NONE. THey are all just online and soon to be moved to a dvdr disk for safe keeping.

off to bed

brain fart or rather bloggersblock

I have written 3/4 of 3 different posts tonight and have saved them all as drafts because they just make no sense to me. Total brain fart on what I wanted to blog about tonight. Go figure. Just when I had thought of a good topic to discuss tonight on the way home from the adoptoinsupport group meeting I have been flashed with bloggerblock. Meaning I can't remember what to blog about. WTF? Is this a new syndrome? Have I been attacked by the big blogger evil writers block?

I do this jabbering in this blog to entertain me, but I also love to help others.. so help me figure out a good way to Unleash this bloggerblock.

LOL

I am making no sense.

Work has me in a whirlwind right now and I am managing to keep my head afloat so maybe that is causing the confusion and bloggersblock? no?

what might it be?

I started the letter

I know I am not PC on adoption lingo so don't knock me.

DH started a version of what he would want to put in the Dear Birthmother(dbm) letter(yes, it should say Dear Birth Parent, No, I am not PC). I then started what I felt should be the opening line / statement of our DBM letter. So how do we compromise? How do we agree on what, or rather who, should get the say so on the text of the letter? I am not a creative writer by any means, I even find it hard to properly word some of my blog posts. I need to drop my guard and trust DH to say it in his words and then I can agree to disagree on some things if necessary, right? Our adoption agency gave a list of suggestions so tomorrow after the support group meeting for adoption I will get DH to sit down and start heavy duty on the letter again. I will then go to Samswholesaleclubforhoosiers in maplewood and buy the software for starting our profile. I am so nervous on what pictures to put in there. BUT, I know once I start on the program and get a page or two done I will be blistering hot to keep truckin' on the next and next pages.. etc.

I can't thank you all enough for posting to me on the previous post about starting a budget. I sat down tonight and told DH what estimated costs were for day care, diapers, formula(I will try adoptive breastfeeding, more on that later), and food... etc. He was pleased that I had done the research. We are fit with our current budget to have at least the diapers, formula, wipes, etc... covered by what we have been putting in the savings now on one of each 2 pay dates in a month. It is nice to know we have this covered already and can show that on a budget sheet for the home study soon to come.

We will be blessed by not having a huge expense for day care. My mom is insisting on watching our baby when I have to go back to work. yes, I do have to go back. We have put so much money out of pocket (by choice) for the last 6.5 years in hopes to have had a baby by pregnancy and now have to pay for that by being a 2 income household. Which means both DH and I working a full time job each. I would love nothing more than to stay at home and maybe I can find a job that might accommodate that after our baby is placed with us, but for now I need my works benefits prior to placement for health, dental and vision. If I could find a night job working from home or more money with less hours then I would be in great shape. Yes, more money and less hours! hahahaha.. I know I am dreaming, but I can dream and sometimes I have the luck of that becoming reality. I would love to do data entry from home on the pc, but I will have to see what I can find. I thought about taking telecourses for medical transcription, but I don't have the extra funds for schooling right now, maybe in a year or two. I will still cherish my time with our child not matter doing my 40 hour a week job. My mom did it with us kids as well as my dad and we were no worse for the wear in everyday life.

I can't wait until we can take our baby camping for the first time. I can't wait to bring a blanket home from the baby to introduce the scent of the baby to the dogs and cat in the house. I can't wait until we can click that baby car seat in the vehicle for the first time with our baby in it! and I can't wait until I have the first spit up the shoulder of my shirt and down my back and even in my hair. I know, call me crazy, but after so many heartbreaking losses of our pregnancies, I care to have these things to cherish.


I am inspired by my DH to keep the positive attitude through this. Thank you hun. You make me remember that life is about love and I tend to not show that enough to you.

putting a budget together... HELP ME

how much does formula cost on average for a week or month?

how much do diapers cost per month?

how much is daycare per month?

how much is ?? (name a few things for me and costs!)

Help me build a budget for being able to account what I will be spending on our first child.


Any suggestions would be great, and no, I am not offended if you say buy it by the RESALE shop means!!


break it down for me. I need honest replies here!

letting go of the infertility wrath, ute will you please?

how to let go? I ask, is it possible and in the same sentence I say WHY THE HELL DO I ASK THAT because I know it is IMPOSSIBLE. MY BODY WON'T LET GO... it keeps reminding me I am infertile.

I often wonder if this is a cruel trick. My body that is, the trick that it plays on me every 25-28 days with PURE TORTURE. I have no tubes(lost to 2 differnt ectopic pgcy's), I have a broken uterus (septum that was taken out and thought to be repaired), I have pcos, I have endometirosis removed 5 times by stages 4 4 3 and 2(now I feel it welling up again). Wait, do me a favor, hold both of your hands up and spread all 10 fingers out..... I can TWICE over count the issues my body has that some how, some way all relate back to being infertile. Or better yet have classified me as repeat aborter. I HATE THAT FUCKING STATMENT, Habitual Aborter my medical classification Ugh.

Today is day 2.5 of my cycle and it is kicking my ASS up and down. I have consumed about 30 tylenol in less than a 2 day time frame. I don't have any good relief drugs to help in the pain. Sure, I could ask for am RX for some, but they will make me loopy or only act like tylenol! The pain I have is a nauseating rumble of a red river flow like you see rushing down the white rapids in the grand canyon. I know, I know... gross, but it is reality and I should own stock in tampontampax brand!!!! Ugh.

Ok, those last 2 paragraphs don't make much sense, but damnitalready, I am so leaning towards taking this damn uterus out before we adopt. I can't stand using over 40 tampons and 1/2 a package of pads each cycle. 14 days of bleeding is just not fun by any means. So a 25-28 day cycle consists of 14 days of spotting/then grand canyon flow/spotting and then maybe 7-9 good days with little endo pain then LOTS OF IT for a day and then AF Is fucking here again. WTF? THis is the total infertility wrath of hell I face each cycle. Infertility I mean by the fact that my body can't produce a viable pregnancy naturally yet it makes me suffer through this wrath of HELL from my AF every month or less.

FUCK THIS.. I want this ute out. My gyn appointment is the 2oth of Feb so I hope he can chat with me about taking out the ute. Leaving the ovaries is perferred if the PCOS does not keep raging and the endo slows, but we will see. I do want to adopt, but if this body of mine keeps doing this I can't put a baby through hell like I have to put my DH through it all each month. Plus I want to mix some nice romance back into our relationship, but with my ute doing this to me, I can't seem to manage but maybe 2 good days of the monthly cycle to enjoy that with DH.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. what to do? I have answered my own question, but I can't stand that at 36 years of age and not having had a child carried to viability, that I would have to take out this ute at such a young age, but it is USELESS for facilitating a fetus, I have proven that 7 times in resutls of 9 angels in heaven.

Ok, now that that rant is out....... off to research some dear birth parent letters to help us compose our own. I love my DH because he loves to write. Heck, he told me tonight that he has already started the first part of a letter. YEAH.. Now I have to go to Samshoosierwholesaleclub and buy the software I need to make the "pretty" profile to so that the agency can review and change anything if needed.

I will try hard to have a better day tomorrow. I will! no matter what, even with AF here.

Subliminal hope

You know when you have hope that something happens the way you want it to, but you just don't want to speak out loud about it? Well it worked.

Today I got up early after a short night of sleep (wound up from the River Otters Hockey Game last night< Thanks Cornbread for the tickets!) and started cleaning the house. My mom was on the way over to help DH and I figure out the finances of our adoption process. We have it figured out and now have the ability to move forward with adoption now instead of 2 years from now when we could have borrowed from 401K. While doing all of this prep to my mom coming over (dog hair clean up duty and dusting) I was subliminally hoping we would possibly find an acceptance letter in the postal mail today from the adoption agency. BUT I dared not say it out loud because I did not want to be upset if the Postman did not deliver it today The reason I felt we might get it today was that they cashed my initial application fee check 2 days ago. So after the cleaning and $$ discussions with my mom, I just laid down to take a much needed nap. DH opened the mail box (alerted mail delivery thanks to the dog that hates the Postal lady) and promptly walked into the bedroom with a package in hand.

Yes, it was from the agency. We have officially been accepted to the agency from the adoption process. YES! WOOHOOO! BOYS AND GIRLS POP THOSE TOPS and CELEBRATE WITH US. This is HUGE. We are going to adopt and the process is starting much sooner than I ever expected. My heart leaps and warms each time I am thinking about this. I love it.

We are set to now fill out the contract and send in the contract money. Then we are set to start the Home Study process too. 1/2 of the cost up front and the other 1/2 due at the time of the "home" visit from the social worker. We were also instructed to start the Dear Birthparent Letter and then put together our Profile. WOW.. that is alot of information to take in, but enough to make me so excited I can't nap yet. hehe

DH is in the living room while I type this in the bedroom. He is reading the contract and reviewing the instructions given for our letters and what things we need to get. Things like birth certificates, marriage certificate, physicals, etc..

So the subliminal hope became reality today. Thank you.

open, but how far open?

that is one question we have been asked about adoption several times now.. how open are we willing to be with the probable birth parents of our future children.

Good question, Yet so private of one at the same time.

DH and I are discussing this off and on. We have a decions, but ever time I read online about someone that has NOT been open I bring this up to dh and ask him about how he feels about it. Every family will have a different opinion on this! I respect that.

My idea of open varies. It could be as open as meeting the birthmom/family in person after the birth maybe once or twice a year in person with pictures and letters for updates. Or as little contact as just a letter and pictures every few months via the agency. This is really up to the discussion between DH, myself, and the birthmom/father/family when the time comes.

I can't predict what will happen. DH is fully ok with open as far as meeting the bm/bf in person before and after the birth. He also agrees with 2 visits a year maybe or more in person after the birth.

I have more on this subject, but I have to go to work,. Ugh.

stay tuned.

adoption*****en

we are turning in our application today.

relief.

excitement

nervousness for what is yet to come

comfort from the agency already

questions arise

questions being answered

first nursery items bought and paid for.

now to clean the house. Ms. Pack Rat here needs CLEAN SWEEP to come help me with my room where the nursery will be. OMG. I am so bad at collecting clutter. Or should I say GOOD at it. LOL DH hates my clutter habits, but I promised I will free cycle much of the clothes and then have the yard sale in a month or so for the other stuff.

I could go on and on, but off to work so we can afford to do this all.

I really feel good that this is happening.

oh, btw, we should be couple #2 in line for adoption once we have our home study done in a month or two or so.

interviewing

down to our last interview of agencies tomorrow. If the questions are answered then we will promptly will write out the check for the fee and fill out the application to be hand delivered this week! WOW.


Shhhhh, I won't tell just yet.

are you curious?

beg and maybe tomorrow night I will post the agency who will be the one that helps us hopefully fulfill our life dreams of becoming parents soon.

oh soooo close

we are oh sooo close to having our decision made on what track we will take to adopt. The options are by agency or lawyer.

take a guess. hehe.. I will post tomorrow with an update of our decision.

This decision will bring me to break down and take on a second job for a short time or until we are placed! I am ok with that so we have extra funds to buy our baby's first outfit, first stuffed toy to put in the crib, first set of crib sheets and our frist item to go with our baby bedding set. John Lennon's Real Love, yes discontinued, but I love this pattern. So off to Ebay I go to bid. YEAH!

For the first time in our marriage we are excited about this. It is really heart warming to think about a nursery for a change. Long deserved.

Cheers to a great weekend.

editing to post the link to the BABY bedding I am trying to bid on. Yes, call me crazy, but we know this is a discontinued John Lennon Real Love crib set. I got out bid, but I will keep on the next good ebay bid war to finally purchase a set.

sitting back for a day to take a deep breath

wow.. I was told by several adoptive parents that adoption can become overwhelming sometimes with research and by gosh they were so right. We are so trying to figure out who to interview.... adoption agnecies and lawyers too. WOW.

ok, I am ready to start interviewing both. I am making my list now of questions to ask. BUT my list of lawyers is small. Anyone know of adoption lawyers in ST. Louis?

I love when it snows on my Birthday

Friday the 13th and my Birthday mixed with a little rain, sleet and a beautiful wind down to the day with snow. I enjoyed the total white out we had this afternoon with the snow. I love it when it snows on my Birthday. I had a great day. I took a 1/2 day of vacation and then went to sign for my paperwork for the $$ that Cornbread(see previous post) from WIL FM 92.3 graciously gave us(check will come in the mail in 4-6 weeks), then I mailed some goodies to a few friends from inciid(Hope you both like them), then I went home and took a nap. I did take a nap. I deserved it. hehe. Tonight DH gave me a sudoku game for my b-day and then we went and ate steak for dinner. YUMMMY. My Tummmy is happy!

The snow is pretty at night when the moon is full and reflective off the snow. It is like a blue hugh.

On the way home we stopped at Kohl's and boy did we rack up some good bargains. In total we got 7 pieces of clothing and 1 set of earrings for DH(yes, he got his ear repierced last month, mid-life crisis). We spent a total of 111.00 WOW. Not bad at all.Happy Birthday to me! Some of the long sleeved v neck shirts for fun running around in were only 4.90 each at the register. Hmmm, I Might have to go back and search those racks again. That is my kind of shopping. Everything we got was on sale. hehe

On a side physical note. I am sick and tired of my body. I started my AF (aunt flow, PERIOD, cycle day 1) on January 1st. Today I am still having residual discharge and I HATE IT. (so no nookie for my Birthday) 13 fucking days on my period? I am so leaning towards having a hysterctomy now. I can't stand that my body has 28 day cycles and that it is consumed 12-15 days on my AF. WTF? I will be booking a consult with my ob/gyn to discuss the issues and maybe I can find a solution to this. I have heard of the uterine procedure where they insert a balloon in the uterus in a surgery ward and basically heat up the ballon and burn the layers of the lining of the uterus and then it won't shed for months to come. But that seems harsh. I almost want to just take the damn thing out since it is such a sore issue for me because it is in essence USELESS to bare a child from. I hate my body. I hate that I was born with a septum in the uterus. I hate that it caused us so many heartaches. I JUST WANT IT GONE, yet it is such a harsh surgery to endure at this age of 36 now. AND it will mean the TOTAL end to the ability ever to carry a child. I know for me it is like a 1-in-a-TRILLION shot of ever carrying a viable pregnancy so I might as well take it out. I can't ever get pregnant with REGULAR SEX because my tubes are gone from the 2 ectopics so my uterus is seemingly deemed WASTED SPACE that causes me a heartache of physical pain each 28 days that lasts for 12-15 days. Dr. T, Lets just chuck this septated uterus out the window, ok?

Ok, off to surf the internet about some more adoptive breastfeeing issues and protocols.

CHEERS to all those out there that have Friday the 13th Birthdays in January.

Oh btw, my friend told me today an interesting tidbit of USELESS TRIVIA..... Toilet Paper was invented on this day.

you can't win if you don't play.. guess what.....

I played and I won....

this is the promotion: http://wil92.com/?sid=440082&nid=145 *copy and paste, I am having troubles posting that as a link*

I got a call on my cell this AM at 7:30... I missed it. My home phone immediatly rang.. I caught that call. I was not sure who it was, but since they called my cell, I knew I had to answer it. me:"Hello?" other end"is this Becky?" me:"yes", other end"I like the name becky, how are you doing this morning?" me"Who is the?" other end"Cornbread" ... OMG.. I was in shock. I had applied for the promotion with a letter of appeal to help start our fund for adoption and CORNBREAD paid our bill. OMG. I was shocked, but so so excited.

I was aked to explain our story about our struggle through the 6.5 years of infertility and miscarriages and about our start to the road to adoption and Cornbread then deemed our bill paid. I had wrote this story in a letter and with it I submitted our mortgage payment for a month and he paid it. I was so thankful and shocked and excited that I was crying. Fun.

My thought in life is... if you don't play or apply, you won't have a chance in hell for them to even tell you NO, sorry you did not get it or you did not win or... etc... SO I applied and we were selected 2nd out of at least 300 applicants so far. He is giving away various amounts of money to each recipient and we were so blessed with them to cover this one mortgage payment. WOW. (I actually already paid the mtg payment so this money is going into the adoption fund!!) YEAH.

approx 400.00(mtg payment is 502.xx per month but they take taxes out like I was on the payroll for a day!) LOL

so our adoption fund is near 435.00 so far. LOL that is to cover the application fee and part of the homestudy process. YEAH.

Ok.. I feel good and SOOO LUCKY and BLESSED. DH was in shock when I called him to tell him to listen for the taped recording of my call from Cornbread and he called me back crying. They also played a song about a child after my recording of him calling me at home and that also touched DH to the core.

If you have a chance to apply for grants, promotions.. etc... APPLY. I have applied for the IVF grant, we were accepted and then now I applied for this PAY MY BILLS promo and we WON!

WOOOHOOOOOOO

dh said what I needed to hear

So Thursday night we went to our first adoption support group meeting together as a couple. Most of the other support group meetings I have been to were for women going through infertility(IF) treatments or were in transition.

Well after I finally put my foot down Wednesday night and told DH that we are dropping the issues of IF treatments via surrogacy for now(not to be forgotten) and pursuing adoption 100%, he agreed. YEAH.

We went to the meeting and got there a 1/2 hour early. LOL My butt was so excited to go and thus we left the house in plenty of time to grab dinner and then get to the meeting room with 30 minutes to spare. There was another couple there waiting so we were not alone. Then the leader of the group came in early too and she was excited to see all of us there early. Then b y the time 10 minutes past for the start of the meeting we had 15 of us in there including the leader of the meeting. The leader is a 2 time mom of an adopted son and daughter. It was nice to meet others still in the search process as we are for an agency or lawyer/facilitator and others with an agency that are in the process of paperwork and home studies.

The meeting lasted 2 hours and as DH and I walked out of the building, I asked him how he felt about the meeting? He said, "This proved that Adoption IS for US." WOOOHOOO. My heart jumped with JOY. We talked all the way home and even more some when we got home. He said we can do this and he was excited to know that not ALL aspects of adoption have a negative notation to them. He even said he was really happy to realize that we can be happy through this process unlike the uncertainty through IF treatments we often experienced.

So I have a total of 5 agencies we have reviewed the initial packets from and I am going to be requesting about 3 or 4 more from out of state agencies. Looks like I might need to take a 1/2 day of work to do this because I can't do it at work. I loved hearing that others have done this too to get the initial reviewing process done. I will be sitting down this week and will make up a list of questions to call those agencies we can go with (non-church going folk here) and call them to get answers. It is amazing what you can ask them. Oh, one agency even sent a list of referrals for me to call when I asked them if they had a list. Very nice. I am sure it is a list of people that are "good" referrals, but I want to hear their experiences. Once we are finalized with our adoption and if a couple needs a referral (spoken word on the agency we use) then I would be glad to help them out so I hope we can find that same help.

First thing is first........ Put away my Christmas decorations today. Bahahahaha. Yup, they are still up, sad I know, but both DH and I were too lazy this past week and been sick so today is the best day I have to put them away.

Second thing ...... Find some adoption agencies in Illinois and possibly Indiana to get their intro packets from. Might you know of any with a good referral? Now remember we are in MO so we are ok with travel to places like this. Heck, DH and I even were kidding about if we were to be matched in another state, we could take the camper and stay near the place we would need to go. The camper is like a house for us and plus we can take the doggies if needed. I can't kennel 3 dogs and it is hard to find a house sitter to do that. LOL

NOTHING but POSITIVE things to think about.

Hey, today is January 7th and it is going to be near or around 50 degrees. WOW. We have only had one real snow here so far and I bet we will get blasted with nasty weather soon.

the doc can't stop me now

After a disappointing doctor visit yesterday, DH and I have decided today to move onto adoptoin with FULL FOCUS.

The visit to the RE(reproductive doc) was not what we had wished for... meaning more LIMBO.... one answer we did get that we expected was that the miscarriage tissue sent to the lab came back contaminated thus inconclusive results. No way to tell if the fetus I mis carried was healthy or not. But I feel it was a healthy baby growing in there. I did not need test results to tell me that. I just knew in my heart it was my body that could not keep the baby in there.

Other things brought up are that the RE did not think my uterus (born with a uterin septum that has been removed in several surgeries) was the cause of the miscarriage. I was stunned as well as dh was too. I just know my body too well and that my uterus thinks of the embryo's as a foreigh object and rejects it after a certain period of time. No, I have not tested + for any immune issues except for MTHFR(c mutation only heterozygous) but that my uterus just can't handle a pregnancy. He kept trying to blame our problems on DH's sperm. Bullshit. He has tested clear of any problems possible.

The one thing the RE, DH and I all agreed on was that Surrogacy was the best option for us to try to conceive with our own biological embryo's. So here we sit.

Out of options due to money. Our money focus has to be on the BEST options now and that is agreed on by us both that Adoption is that one sure bet to become parents. I told DH tonight that I can't go through the torture of waiting to save up the mondy for surrogacy and NOT proceed with adoption. I told him I want to see him holding our child and I am 100% sure that our first child will be placed in his arms and our hearts through adoption.

Maybe one day in the future we can find a way to pay for surrogacy to be able to take our frozen embie out of suspension and put it back into a womb that is not so hostile towards it. I will continue to do research to find out how much the legal fees are for surrogacy through a lawyer. How much a cycle would totally cost because we would most likely retrieve my eggs and make more embryo's. etc... Cost is a factor, but emotional play and physical play on me and DH are just not worth the heartaches with something that does not give us a guarantee to become parents like adoption.

Ok, onto the march for our first child. Adoption is in my heart and has me happy.

I am so happy to know we can move forward now.

AMEN! Just to think that a child is out there to be born to us one day. WOW

Let it go for 2006 ..

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got
to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then ..
LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

on we march with the weight

yes... weight and WAIT.. LOL

So when a woman goes through heavy infertility injection drugs (lupron, follistim, gonal f, cetrotide, PIO, etc...) many of us tend to have weight issues attached with these. So over the last 5 years of 6.5 years of infertility treatments my body gave in and gained a nice rounded number of pounds. So this Summer, knowing we were in our last IVF cycle, I paid close attention to my weight and eating habbits. No, I am not exercising(yet), but by portion control I have managed to take off the last 14 lbs of medication enduced weight(for the most part) since August 2005. Slow but steady. Just under an average of 3 pounds a month. Not great, but not really bad for just changing eating habits.

No, I won't make a New Years Resolution to lose more weight and by adding in exercising. I will promise myself to NEVER gain that weight back again. 14 lbs took me to my highest weight ever and let me tell you it does bad things to the body in many ways. So I take the stairs at work every day. about 100 steps up and then down. I try and walk them again at break.

Portion control is helped by several factors. DH is now working out at his work gym and doing Weight Watchers once a week at work also. They have a meeting each Monday. So he is usualy trying to be good over the weekend when I have my hardest portion control days. So with his help I will stay on track. Again, I won't make goals to lose a certain amount of weight, but I will continue to strive to NOT gain back what I had on me before.

Now on top of this, we are both down sick with colds on this New Years weekend. YUCK. I talked to my sister last night and she has it too along with one of my nieces. I think we all passed it around xmas eve and now we are full force in the middle of nasty colds. Sneezing, body aches, no appitite(nice!!) and crabby as all get out. Heck, DH and I agreed that we won't even attempt going out to have dinner and see a movie. Looks like Pay Per View here tonight. And I wanted to go visit a local mom and her daughter (Narnia) on N's New Year Eve Birthday, but I won't expose them to the illness and expose their guests. I won't do that. Sorry Mae, I do want to come. I want to meet your friends and most of all give N a HUGE hug. I bet she has gotten so much bigger since I last saw her at your yard sale. (Wow, that seems like such a long time ago).

Ok, off to go find some cough drops. I might have take this unshowered yucky body of mine out the local gas station to buy up their supply of cough drop sticks. aaahhhhh choooooo.

March 2006

that is my new goal for looking at the time frame for selecting the route we will go about for adoption. Agency, lawyer, etc... DH and I talked last night that we will be looking into mid-March for the submission of our application to an agency or if we will go though a lawyer and then start the home study process. This is HUGE for me because I am a goal oriented person. I have to have dates set for things. I need that focus to be able to remain positive.

Funding will come in many forms. I am trying to think of a way to make some funds without having to get an in store second job. I read about 4 blogs last night that all had links to paypal and in subtle context they asked for your donations for the funding of their adoption... And I wonder if they really have ever had donations. LOL It is one way to make money for funding the process, but should I do something like that? I feel like I would be begging.

We will find a way though to do this. I will be finding things to sell on ebay or local yahoogroups. WE will do this. WE WILL. I know in the spring I can do a yard sale and that will bring in a few hundred to use towards the home study. Hoping on our Tax refund and again in huge hope, dh's annual bonus. I can't hold my breath on that one though. Hahaha. I know a loan is being worked on. LOAN is an important word as we have been told and researched out the adoption tax credit so that is a huge relief that the loan we take out is paid off in a few years time instead of 5 or 6 years.

So speaking of a yard sale. If you know of anyone that is cleaning out their house of things(not total junk) that I might take off their hands to put in my yard sale (computer equipment in working order, working electronics, tools), let me know and I will be glad to come pick them up. Gosh, that sounds like I am begging again, but damn it, I have to find ways to build our adoption fund.

35.00 is the Adoption fund balance today. LOL


(sw, I hope you got my email. I go back to the doc on the 3rd and will discuss the surrogacy issues with him and your info about the surrogacy stuff. I hope your baby is growing strong and I hope you can give me an update on HER! )

adoptive bf

I talked to DH a few weeks back about the idea of adoptive breastfeeding and I got a very positive reaction from him. I feel encouraged to am doing lots of research on this subject.

I have to book my ob/gyn appointment for March/April 2006 and will talk to my doc about adoptive breastfeeding. I really hope he can give me encouraging news on this subject and much support! I am lactating currently if I try and express manually. I hope I can keep that up and then add in an adoptive breastfeeding protocol to bring on a higher production rate with herbal/medication and pumping inductions. I have several sites bookmarked for help on this protocol. Many very encouraging words from others out ther. Thanks!

Xmas was great, but I think I am catching a cold. yuck.

One issue with my family on the adoption front and their issues with the AA race, but DH reminded me that HE and I are first in this family and if the extended family (including direct relatives or others) act with assvice about biracial adoptions, then they will be cut out of our lives. Yes, I mean immediate family too!

Thanks, I needed that, NOT

Defined:

Insomnia: the inability to sleep applied to the general complaint of having trouble falling or staying asleep; insomnia is a symptom usually caused by underlying problems. See also transient, short-term, chronic, and sleep onset insomnia.

Well, that is me. Inherited from my dad and his mom(gram), BUT I don't always have an underlying problem. Hmmm. I honestly am physically recouped from this miscarriage now so that is not the problem, but maybe it is the lack of SEX. Hmmmm, thank goodness for my pink bunny. :-P

DH and I don't sleep together. He snores, I grind my teeth something horribly and I snore and toss and turn all night long, thus you would think I would sleep well without being woke up by DH's snoring every 5 minutes to make him turn over. I have insomnia and don't fall asleep very easily, but thanks to some ambien that the doc rx'd to me, I usually get to sleep lately pretty quickly, shame I did not take one last night because I was up until wee hours of the AM and then slept no more than 2 hour at a time for the rest of the night/morning until 11 am. Up 2 hours, sleep 2 hours, see that pattern? Thanks, I needed that sleep, but did NOT get it. life goes on. I will have a few drinks tonight at a holiday party we are heading to so I hope that helps settle me down to sleep better tonight. No, I won't mix the margaritas and ambien, I promise. (btw, thankgoodness they don't require we dress in holiday garb.)

Well, I need to go see the GP doc on Monday or Tuesday to get an rx for the anti-depressant and they won't let me have anything until he has me there in person. I can also ask him for some more ambien or that new lunesta. I hope that I can get something to help with the sleep. I know when I was on paxil it helped with sleeping so maybe the anti-d will do the trick without the sleep aid. I am thinking of asking for welbutrin(sp?) or lexapro. DH is now on lexapro and I can tell it is working for him. He is quite chipper these days. I like that and need to feel that way too. Hey, have I blogged about this before? I bet I have. LOL Sorry for the repeat. Must be this sleepy head of mine. Little foggy today.

Oh the homefront of adopting..... I got packet # 4 in the mail today. I read 2 pages of it so far and will read the rest tomorrow. I have one phone call to make next week and that is to my mom's lawyer. See, he and his wife adopted and maybe he has some inside scoop on how to approach the domestic adoption through a lawyer instead of an agency. Why you ask? Well, DH and I are not into church right now and out of 4 of the agencies I got packets for (I knew this going in), they all require you to be active members of your church. So, what if we go independant through a lawyer ? hmmmm, it is a thought and maybe an option.

I will be requesting more packets from agencies this weekend by email. Heck, there are only 8 days left in 2005 so it is prime time to be requesting these packets now and as stated earlier we are attending lots of adoption functions coming up in town in early 2006 so that helps keep me focused forward. YEAH. I like this good feeling.

I need good feelings to help with days like today at the grocery store. I saw 2 preggo's in the store and it really made me fell ok with the fact that we will adopt and be parents and we won't have to go through the horrible experiences of pregnancy that I have had in the past 6 years. I know many many women go on to have little to no risk pregnancies, but I have proven that to not be possible for us. I feel bad for DH as I can't give him our own biological child. I am resolute to the fact that I WILL be a wonderful mommy and so will DH be a wonderful daddy and that is going to happen to us by a child being placed in our arms and born into our hearts through adoption.

Interesting facts. I found a list online of what proper terms to use when speaking about adoption. For example: You don't refer adoption as "Getting a baby" but instead "receiving our child through adoption" (logical, but you won't believe how many couples stat it like that in their birthmother letters) ... oh there were so many other statements that really made me think about this. Glad I found the list and I will mention it to DH because I sure don't want to offend anyone when we write our dear potential birthmother letter!

I wish you and your families a Happy Holiday Season. May your hearts grow warm with love and be touched with caring souls.

Love to our angels in heaven. We love you all.

btw, I want to thank those Angels out in the earthly world for thinking of Dh and I at this time in our lives. We are so appreciating the love you all give us and the thoughts and prayers. Those of you that made offers and thoughts beyond belief are so kind. You know who you are. I wish you were here in town so we could hug you in real life. Cyber bud(you know who you are sw) , I can't thank you enough for the offer of keeping the surrogacy idea alive. We won't give up hope! WE WON'T. I can't wait to talk to you in the future after your next baby is born!


btw, if I sent you a Holiday Card last year, don't be surprised if you don't get one this year. Just not up to doing them. Sorry.

one packet and one more email today

I sent out another email today for an agency locally to receive their introduction adoption packet. #3 on my list. I hope to get that just after Christmas. Good reading.

the packet we got today was from an agency here locally too. #2 requested. DH is finding it interesting to read their insert brochures. I like them too. THis agency is Christian oriented, meaning you must be active in the church. Ok!

I need to get back to reading Adoption after Infertility.

TOmorrow, I will email agency #4 for another intro packet. YEAH...
'

the ball is rolling.

resolution brings momentum

our beta finally came back today from last Thursday .... 1.2 So that means it is below 5 so it is considered a negative result finally. I know, sad to say we wished for a negative out of all this. The irony of a miscarriage.

I can say my body is still having problems with bleeding/spotting, but at least I know the beta was negative last week and about 4-6 weeks out from then I can expect my cycle to begin anew. Not that it means anything for us with ever having a child of our own because I have no tubes to ever get pregnant naturally. I will insist on being put on birth control to keep my PCOS in check.

I will now move on from this all and start to focus my time and energy on adoption and FUND raising for adoption. I will maybe look into Ebay selling again, but man that is hard when you have a full time job. I can go find childrens clothes on clearance and then list them on Ebay to make a small amount off each item or group of items. I will chat with my sister about maybe hiring her services (she is a stay at home mom).... to do this for us with Ebay. hmmm

I can try and find a part time job with a staffing agency doing data entry or something like that for about 10.00 an hour so that would help on some of the smaller expenses. I will ask DH to also work on finding a second job on the side so we can meet our goals quicker in the next year. I really hope to be able to at least start our home study by later 2006 and then maybe by 2007 Spring we can put our efforts into this fully. $$$ makes the difference, I hate to say, but we don't want to beg, steal and borrow our way to an adoption. I want to pay for it.

Goal #1 right now is to clean the house and then get through Christmas. I will then hope we can start a new focus once we have our follow up consult on the 3rd of Jan with the doctor.

Work is good this week as my co-worker is off and I am busy with part of her job and mine. Day off for Holiday on Friday and Monday and I took off Tuesday. YEAH. DH is off the whole week between Christmas and New Year.

Hmmm, might go get my ice skate sharpened so I can go hit the old Steinberg Ice Rink in Forest Park next week.



Ok, I need to go clean my MIL's carpets with DH in tow. Fun.

without naming agency names, yes it does cost that much to adopt

after returning home from a day of shopping and a support group meeting this Saturday, I opened up the mailbox to find a packet of information I had requested from a local adoption agency. Name withheld..... This packet explained they were sorry for the photo copies of all information enclosed due to revamping their packet at the moment. I understood that, but did that mean that the prices were going up soon? Well, after reading and pondering the options, I told DH that the base price for the adoption would be 18,000. Yes, 18,000.00 ... that is the base, not including the home study and a few other costs. OUCH. But I kind of suspected this with this agency. Now I await the second agencies packet of information. I will also send out emails to about 3 other contacts to find out more information for their services. This is all so new to me and kind of exciting because it is like becoming an investigator to find the right fit for us. Very interesting, enlightening, and involved. I like that. It will keep me busy for at least the next 2-3 months and by then we will hopefully have an agency or option picked that best suits our needs and hopes.

I am excited for DH too. I told him of this first agencies packet options of infants and race and he did tell me that he is very open to a biracial baby. I am thankful he is as I know that there are loving babies out there to be welcomed into our hearts.

Oh, the books that arrived in the mail the other day, I have started reading the one of Adoptoin after Infertility. I am actually enjoying the reading of it. I will continue it and hope to finish it off this month and then pass it onto DH to read too. Nice to know it is ok to grieve our loss of never having a baby ourselves, but glad to know we are not along in longing for a baby and fulfilling this dream through adoption now is great.

Cheers to a good week and Happy Holidays to everyone.

off to go read.

rays of hope from the cyberland blogs

let me first say that I am feeling like I need to move forward with the adoption process very very soon. Sure, grieving is important after a loss for any person or couple, especially those going through infertility. The lack of the ability to carry a pregnancy will be grieved, but , BUT BUT BUT.... I have managed to find a RAY of HOPE in the internet by reading blogs that are filled with journeys to adoption.

Sure some blogs that involve adoption, domestic mostly, will have the trudging through the mud difficulties of adoptions, but I need those to be prepped incase we encounter troubles in our own journey into adoption.

Having access to those in cyberland that are adopting domestically is comforting to know we are not the only couple out there that has a longing for a newborn or very young infant when we get ready to be shown to the perspective birth mother. Some might find this a selfish thing from us, but it is our wish and our longing for so just deal and learn to respect that we wish for this. If you can't deal, then learn to agree to disagree.

My family knows that we are on the road to adoption, but DH's family is now just finding out that we miscarried over Thanksgiving weekend and that we are now on the road to saving for adoption. Thankfully, they are 100% supportive so far. I welcome that support and can now feel like we can talk openly about adoption unlike with infertility we were told to keep it to ourselves!!!! Yes, people in family have actually told us to not talk about our infertility in front of them because it was such a private thing. So we bit our lips and did not mention it. Now we can finally relax around them, but will be on guard for assvice comments they might tend to make about adoption.

on a side note, the RE's office never called me back day b4 yesterday with my hopefully final beta draw for a zero count so I tried all day to call them but their phones are on forward. I guess they are gone for the next week and I won't hear back what my beta was. Reason I have to keep doing beta's to get a zero is that in previous miscarriages I had my beta/hcg #'s fall, but then stalled after the miscarriage and then went back up due to retained placental tissue in the uterus. I had d&c's after each miscarriage of our twins and I was so sure that this one might end up that way. Although my body is telling me that I am most likely at the zero # altready. ZIT FACED days are here, thanks to my PCOS... see, when pregnant I have NOT Acne, but my face is riddled with activity these past 4 or 5 days so I can almost bet I am at a zero beta and that my PCOS is raging again. I am still spotting brown, but it gets less and less each day. Finally! So my body seems to be healing, but we will wait for that beta # to confirm what my body is telling me.

So, now I get to focus on wrapping presents. JOY.

Oh btw, that word "JOY" seems to come up much more now that we are setting our hearts on adoption. I find it a simple word, but a great way to express many moments I have in starting this adoption process.

Ok, off to shop then come back to wrap. Oh and do some laundry. LOL

a box at the front door and a nice prescription from the doc.

First the good news of the nice box on the front door step:


delivered by the sometimes nice mail man today........

A box full of adoption books from a very generous cyber friend.

Thanks A!

Books are as follows:

Adopting After Infertility : Patricia Irwin Johnston

The Adoptoin Resource Book : Louis Gilman (everything you ought ot know about creating an adoptive family)

Launching a Baby's Adoption (Practical Strategies For Parents and Professionals) : Patricia Irwin Johnston

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption: Chris Adamec.


WOW... I have lots of reading to do in the next few weeks> LOL

....................................
Now the news or lack of news on the body's lack of enforcement to get back to a normal state (whatever that is) after a miscarriage....... Well I am still bleeding, but old blood so that is a good sign it is not new blood. I went in today for another BETA HCG blood test today to find out if the beta is zero or not after this loss that happened the weekend of Thanksgiving, but they NEVER CALLED me back today with the beta results. UGH.

I will be on the horn tomorrow AM at 9 am to get details. I so hope it is zero. It is sad to think after all the trying to have a baby that DH and I have been through that I would HOPE and PRAY for a zero beta. BUT I am.

Evil of them to not call me today with the blood work results.

BUT one good thing I did today was complain about the lack of sleep to the nurse that drew my blood. She was so nice to go back and get my a prescription for 15 days of ambien, which in my book means 30 days worth because that stuff is so good that I can pop the pill in 1/2 and it will do the trick for at least the next 4 weeks instead of 2 weeks!!!!!!!! YEAH. Now I promised myself I would get to the GP to get an RX for anti-depressants and I will do that tomorrow.

Ok... on to go read some pages in the adoption books to BRING some JOY into my thoughts.

ROCK ON

U2 Rocks. I have seen 5 of their concerts now in St. Louis and each one is unique yet they have grown over the years to truely appreciate the fans and the music they play for us to get our reactions to the fullest. They tease us with a breath of politics, yet they please the lustful music diehard fan.

I wish I had taken my camera. I have cell phone pictures, but they don't do justice. I wanted to be that young lady he pulled from the Inner Circle of the floor stage area. He sang to her, he held her, He hugged her and he kissed her on the cheek and then lead her back to the stage end to get back to the floor with the help of the security staff.

I will go see this band again in my lifetime. I will always listen to their music no matter the message they send.

THanks U2 for coming to St. Louis again.

What is the hold up?

The hold up is that I can't get my body to let go of this miscarriage yet. I am going in Thursday for another beta to check to see if we hit zero yet. Bleeding is still happening.. (Sorry TMI TMI) but this will most likely go on for another 3-4 weeks even after a negative beta. I need to buy stock in Tampax pads. LOL

Life does go on in other ways. I booked a follow up consult with the doc and will discuss our option with our one frozen embie and surrogacy. I fear age might be an issue if we can do surrogacy due to who we can ask or how might volunteer to help us out. Yet another worry that I won't worry about much until we get to the point of asking a person to be a surrogate. I am always finding ways to worry myself. I will try and stop that for now until we can get through this end of the miscarriage process.

Only 1 more WINK until U2. YEAH.

I have only purchased 4 xmas gifts out of 11 or so needed. Yikes. I have taken off work this Thur. and Fri. to be able to continue my shopping and then wrapping.

Speaking of Wrapping, My services are for hire(donation to adoption funding for us!) to you for wrapping your xmas gifts if you totally despise doing that. I worked as a Professional Wrapper at FamousBarr at xmas time in the past and LOVE to wrap. You provide the wrap, I like to make REAL bows so provide that and I will bring the scissors and Tape.

Oh, what an annoying commercial. CHIA PET. UGH. I swore in 2 minutes time I saw the commercial 2 times on CBS. Enough of that silly stupid gift already.

ahhh, only 4 more winks

U2 concert is Wednesday night. 4 more winks until the show.

Btw, if you have Directv, channel 124 is showing the Chicago U2 concert this whole month. There are other shows on there olike the Bacon Brothers, Bonnie Rait, and maybe one other but the U2 concert is the Highlight this month! Very nice.

How Long Can We sing this Song. How long, How long....

medication is ok to make it through the day.

With this loss of our pregnancy and precious baby that was growing in me, I am LOST. I am lost in emotions and the physical dealings of having a miscarriage. I am not able to make it through the day without major BAD mood swings. I am not able to function fully in a GOOD way, I tend to want to sleep and not pay attention to my duties at work or home. I can't live like this. So tomorrow I promise myself to call the General Practitioner to help me out with some much needed medications to help with depression. YES I am depressed. I am on a low functioning physicality. Does that make sense? Well for me I have had this happen before. I had to get help with medication by means of an anti-depressant back in 2003 when we lost our twins at 10 weeks gestation. I went on paxil for about 5 months and it really really helped out.

I will ask about taking either welbutrin(sp?) xr or lexapro. I hate to medicate, but I can't climb out of this FUNK by myself and honestly it is a nasty ill effect on my marriage and work and any type of social life I might try and have.

Then after that in early 2006 I am going to join my mom in taking an exercise class of some sort. I need to get active because it helps me keep a great momentum to lose weight and make myself feel much better physically about me and about my SEX LIFE that is nonfunctioning right now. Sure I am recovering from a miscarriage and that has reason to not be active, but I need to be active in my life this way to keep DH and I happy. I love feeling good about me!

Soon I will be able to then function on a happier note to be able to start the process of gathering adoption information. Meetings, Seminars, DH's work benefits of helping couples adopt(no they would not pick up the insurance rider for infertility coverages, but they do 0ffer the 4,000 dollar relief fund once you finalize your adoption. WOW.

Cheers to a much better 2006.

dang I need to do some xmas shopping but Hate the mall.

I swear Angels are watching over DH and I.

Sure, losses have us down. AF is here or at least the winddown from this miscarriage is happening physically. BUT BUT BUT.....

ANGELS are watching over DH and I. I do mean our lost baby angles, but I also mean some SPECIAL Angels and you know who you are!

My heart warms with the love of others.

We WILL BE PARENTS IN THE NEXT FEW YEARS. We will.


I had little to no Christmas Spirit in my heart, but it is warming up and growing stronger by the day.


Thanks to some special ANGELS in our lives and those that are COMING into our lives.

DH and I are BLESSED.

I DO BELIEVE.