and the flood gates opened..... Who said this was a SCHOLARSHIP program anyway?

Well, the flood gates of bills came falling upon my house today. The billing company for Dr. A (fertility doc) send DH and I two individual bills for our last visits. DH's SA =$230.00 Well, we have not had to pay for these b4. So why the hell are we getting billed for this now. So now I get to call the billing coordinator and bioth her out. Man, I just knew this windfall would happen.

Sooo, then the second envelope is mine and addressed to me for my sonohystiogram(sp?) aka fluid US. Well... after reading about 8 lines of different costs... the total of the billing comes to 1350.00. Yes, ONETHOUSANDTHREEHUNDREDFIFTYDOLLARS AND ZERO CENTS. HELLO?! I have diagnostic coverage insurance for IF. WHY THE HELL are they billing me for this? WTF? I was to only pay for the 50.00 office co-pay my insurance requires that I pay for diagnostic coverages.

This boils my blood. Makes my head steam. I have to sit here all weekend and look at these fucking bills and STEW over them all weekend. I HATE THIS. Sure... I can call them on Monday and ask them to resubmit them, but I just feel the backlash I will be getting from the billing coordinator saying "No, You must submit them to the insurance company for reimbursement, so pay us NOW!" ..... BIOTCH.. I can't pay you now. I pay higher premiums for my insurance and thus I have NO cash to give you right now.

So... what will the ramifications be if we can't pay this money to them up front to wait for me to submit the bills to insurance (which I will surely as hell fight tooth and nail for them to submit them NOT ME!) well the ramifications will be that we would need to postpone the cycle due to having to figure out billing problems first before we can do our GRANTED//// SCHOLARSHIP ITH program cycle.

This calls for a Ring-a-ding-ding to the DOCTOR himself. I am furious and I don't need this stress in prep to my cycle. I am less than a month away from starting lupron and this happens?! WTF

Oh Go ahead and wash my mouth out for being such a sailor potty mouth, I DON'T CARE.
I am PISSED OFF. What do they think? My FUCKIN' insurance card in in the folder photo copied and STAPLED to the font page so how can you miss it? And if this justifies cancelling my cycle now and moving it until the NEW YEAR, I will go BALLISTIC. I will open a can of WHOOPASS on this chick that thinks she is smart to just go ahead and bill this raging hormonal ANGEL of a woman (me) right now.

Ok, deep breath....

Better... ahhhhhhhhhh

OK, I am better. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I am going to chat with a few fellow Scholarship buddies to see if they had such bad billing problems in prep to a virtually FREE IVF cycle. LOL

(i n c i i d t h e h e a r t program)

This clinic has offered their services up to those reciepients and should know better than to PIIIISSSSS us off. hehe... I am not made at the program, just the billing situation like this.




if you want more details... leave your email address and I can answer any questions you might have.

the irony of birth control pills.

when a girl comes of age these days, it is a common thing to have them put on bcp's at a young age. That is a story I will stray from with my comments,except that I was one of them due to excessive bleeding in my AF's... not because of being sexually active :0.

Well, after taking them for nearly 15 years, I went off bcp's to get in gear for ttc.

While on them, I gained weight, but never had symptoms of PCOS or Endometriosis. So in a way it was good for me, yet evil to me all those years.. meaning it would catch up to me eventually for holding off those PCOS and Endo problems all those years. I also had a septated uterus and did not know it, my STUPID OB said it was just because I was the Unlucky girl that had heavy bleeding... well if the dumbass would have done an ultrasound, they would have known I had a septated uterus and PCOS too. ENdo is not something that is detectable by US.

My GOODDOCTOR OB/gyn I have now said that it is true that my Endo could have started because I had retrograde bleeding through my tubes into my abdomen for many years due to the excessive bleeding with each AF I had. With my severe Septated uterus, I had Double the amound of endometruim tissue to bleed out each cycle. Mind you I would use about 3 boxes of 40 count tampons and about 40 pads doubled up for 8-10 days while bleeding from my period each month. EACH MONTH. That blood not only came out vaginally, but it came out into my abdomen all those years and is most likely the culprit for my severe stage IV endometriosis and badly damaged tubes *thus 2 tubal ectopic pregnancies*.

Sorry I am rambling.. but my point in all this is that in order to suppress my endo and pcos, it is suggestive I be on bcp's 24/7 356 days a year.

Today I am on week 3 of my bcp's in prep to my 5th Fresh and Final IVF cycle. I have not had one symptom of PCOS and Endo pains. BUT... after I get off them to start lupron... BOOM.. there every symptom will be again. soooooooooo what is the temporary cure for this? GETTING PREGNANT.

Yes... BCP's can be beneficial and yet used to help get me pg! bahahahahaha

does this all make sense?

well, it finally happened

our suspicions of the bil and sil having problems ttc came to the full truth. We were right. Sooo it is known and I am there for them in any way possible. DH was very supportive of my bil and told him to come talk to us any time.. OH.. the big kicker here....... drum roll please..... they are seeing the SAME RE as we are... OMG.. I could only imagine.. I would have walked in the office in a few weeks for my calendar review for this coming FRESH IVF cycle and my luck would be that I would have found my SIL and or both my sil and bil in the lobby. would that have been a shocker.. OMG. DH was LOL when bil told him that they were seeing a doctor named... A h l e r i n g on ballas rd. hehe.. I am sad that they are having such problems because it means that IF has rocked both sides of our families now. I hate that. I do wish them well in their treatments. I do want them to know we are here for them any time as they need it.

Camping this past weekend was a blast. OOOHHHUYUUMMMMMM the margaritas that BIL made were delish! Still licking my lips of that wonderful taste. Jose Quervo is delish... man. I did not sleep well so I crashed the last 2 nights at home and still feel tired. LOL Camp fires are the best. Thanks to the Gilly's for providing the fire wood. I promise I will pay you back. Oh and I made my famous tuxedo chocolate covered strawberries for everyone and they ate them up!

I managed to take 96 digital pictures of the fun. Also we have other family members that took as many so we have over 300 pictures so far to share online. hehe now if I can only manage to print some to put a scrap book together.. Yup, scrapbook! LOL

The doggies had a blast camping and did really good as to not bark too much at the stranger family members they did not really know. Of course they know grandma and did not bark at her since she slept in the camper with us. On Sunday I counted as many as 29 people there. WOW! Great job to my DH for putting this together. I can't wait until the next trip. The talk is to either travel for camping in Atlanta GA or Denver Colorado! I vote and will keep voting for Denver Colorado!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, off to water my much neglected house plants and clean the green fish tank. Poor fish.

over and out ..............well for a few days

Yup... rest and relaxation... I am out. Family reunion for Dh's family this weekend and we are making a camping trip out of it. I have to work tomorrow and Friday due to being on Disaster Recovery status at work, but that is ok.

We found out today at work that our battery fleet office in Kinner LA is gone... the battery trucks were still there, but the building was gone from around them. Amazing. They are moving the trucks to Baton Rouge and setting up a mobile station there. They were able to salvage several hundred car batteries so I hope that helps someone.

We still don't have contact with our Slidell office and Metairie LA office. Kinner is just north of Slidell from what I understand and if that building was lost / blown away, then most likely Slidell is gone too.

SOAPBOX TIME below.........
I sit and watch the news and cry with these people that are without food, water, etc... they showed a family on an overpass with their 3 yr old boy and he was going into what looked like heat exhaustion. Now they just showed someone taking a mom and 5 day old baby away in a car that has been stranded on an over pass. Where is the arial rescue efforts? I swear we responded quicker to the Tsunami in India than we are here in our own soil. Is it me just thinking that or is it true? I know roads are at an impasse for the most party, but where is the military with helicopters to drop supplies, water, MRE's? If these people did not lose their lives in the floods, winds etc of the Hurricane then they will surely starve and die that way on an overpass? WTF?!

I know, I will stop beating up our volunteers, it is not their faults, but I swear it seems our homeland response is so much slower than when we go to help other countries.

Ok, off my soapbox.

ok, try and have a nice holiday weekend and say a prayer for my sister on her Friday appointments and those involved with the Hurricane.

over and out.

Remaining hopeful on all avenues

Although we are dealing with many unstable things in life right now, I will and am remaining positive.

My sis sounded upbeat tonight. her US and panoramic scan is now Friday morning early.. this gives them time to decide if it is necessary to biopsy or completely remove the mass if it looks bad. She said she has to hope for the best that it is not cancer. I sure hope the best for her. I will remain hopeful.

I have such a wonderful support system. Kel, Thanks again.

I sat back at work today and listened to a fellow co-worker describe what he has found out about Metairie LA office we have and where he lives. He lives near Burbon Street and said that since the levee failed, his house is most likely GONE. Gosh.. I had to stop and say thank you to the higher powers for what DH and I have... The co-worker said at least his family was safe, but not sure about co-workers yet. I hope they are not injured or worse. Houses can be rebuilt and lives can move forward, but if loss happens... gosh.


I sit and enjoy my nights at home with DH. Watching our Wonderful Cardinals win games(not tonight, but close). Watch our puppies play and gosh it makes me so happy. I hope and pray that nothing happens to us ... material things are meaningless.... My love of my life, DH, is all I need.

Our country has suffered a horrific loss, but can and WILL rebuild. We did not let terrorists take us over and we will not let Katrina take us over, although she is now almost gone from our land.

Together we will survive this all. No matter what is thrown at us.


:)

It is an evil thing, but hopefully beatable for many and.... (cancer ment, not me)

hopefully not going to strike my sister(edited with another WTF! below)

Today, my sister calls me at work and asked if I had a few minutes. I was busy due to Hurricane status at work, but I said sure. I did so because she sounded like she had been crying. Sis is 40.5 yrs old, mom of 3 wonderful kiddo's and wife to a local police officer. She tells me that she got a call today from her OB after having a huge work up for hormonal issues lately. Her Mammogram shows a very large mass in one of her breasts and she must come back in on Wed. this week to have an US and scan (not sure if Cat or MRI scan ) to determine what this mass is. It is located on the back wall of the breast up against the chest wall, breast bone/rib area. She cannot feel the mass by hand and it is very hard to see by Mammogram. She then broke down to me saying that she thinks it is cancer. This is my sis saying this, not the doc necessarily. I had to be strong for my sis.... she is 5 yrs older than me and she seems to be comfroted by me when she has medical problems. I asked her if she was home alone(she was sobbing by this time and I had tears in my eyes while at work fighting back a big sob), she said yes, but her DH was on his way home ASAP. I asked her if she wanted to tell her kids yet, she said NO... I then told her she had to stop crying and be brave for the next few days and PRAY HARD as she does not know what is going on just yet. She will be enduring lots in the next few days and worst of all is the wait to get results.

CANCER.................. It took my dad at the very young age of 49. Lung Liver and Bone. (Damn cigarettes and wood stripping chemicals Dry Cleaning chemicals) and He was not able to fight it as it was aggressive. He found out September 14th of that year and was gone by December 15th 1995. Some of the most horrifying days watching him wilt away and Be Angry. But after a few weeks of consolation from our local Parish Pastor, he accepted his dying and went to God. I love you dad. I miss you.

TEARS are welling up typing this. I hate it. I hate CANCER. I know it is part of reality that many of us have to deal with, but it is such a MEAN nasty disease that it rips my heart apart to see anyone suffer from it.

I can't tell you how many times I have sat on my dad's grave and talked to him, asking him to have GOD watch over this family that remains on earth. Not to make us suffer so I hope that prayer is heard and they take care of my sis.

Gosh, the lump in my throat from crying now hurts.


Cancer took my FIL at the age of 60.
Cancer is EVIL.
Cancer is a sobering reality of reminders that we need to enjoy every minute of our lives even if we are not the one inflicted physically. We must cherish every moment.

Cancer, I wish it gone and I wish and pray that my sis is not touched with it at all.

Fear is real, but beatable.

Please keep us in your thoughts. I will update in a few days as soon as sis knows something.

A local Friend, NatalieT, is going through Cancer after IF. Please pray for her. (click her name to read her journal).

WTF EDIT...... OMG.. My gradeschool friends mom just called me and asked for my moms home #. A friend of our familes that lived across the street from us for several years has just lost her battle with ovarian / uterine cancer. OMG. WTF is going on here? I need to scream, scream so hard that it makes my throat scratchy. It will make me feel better. SOB SOB SOB. THis lady lives in Sullivan MO so I can't go to the funeral. UGH. MY GOSH. I am so sad.

who would have thought

(GROSS STUFF MENT so if you have a queasy tummy, don 't read on)
(this is IF related in a way)



...




...




I have a nasty Planters Wart on the outter ball of my left food. Right where the bottom of my foot hits the ground when walking. OUCH. I had it removed about 4 years ago by knife(I don't have words to explain the PAIN that I was in from that) and now it has grown back to a humongous size. Take a Dime and put it on the bottom of my foot, not once, but 1.5 times overlapped. Soooo, my great 50.00 copay to see the podiatrist was worth it this time around. I met dr. A and he said since I was going through IF treatments, he did not want to surgically remove it again. He was so kind to say that if he does get to the point of needing to remove it then he would do it in the operating theater at the hospital and not in the office like the last quack doc did and I would need crutches this time unlike the other quack doc did not suggest.

BUT BUT BUT....he told me he could use a new oral treatment for this and it might take a month or two to work, this drug is showing promising advancement in the treatments of Planters warts without surgery. He told me to check with the RE and confirm that taking an oral ACID REFLUX medication was ok. So he gave me the name and sent me on the way to talk to the RE doc first then I was to call him that next week and get the RX if it was approved to take while TTC with IVF. RE doc said SURE! So I called and was dispensed an RX for Cimetidine (Generix for Tagament). Can you believe it? Yup. It is an RX prescription, unlike the over the counter dose. I am on An Acid Reflux medication once a day for at least a month and it is actually shrinking this nasty multi-headed Planters Wart on my foot. I can't get a good enough picture to show you the difference, but believe me, I am thrilled this is working.

I am going to have to try a second month of Cimetidine, but that is ok. It is killing 2 birds with 1 stone.. Acid reflux a.k.a. GERD and planters warts. YEAH.. The Foot doc did say it might take a few months to get this gone and I sure hope he is right. I fear the surgery to remove them if this RX doesn't help.

GO AWAY WART GO.

Sorry


edited.... I just a fellow blogger that needs this help too. Oh.. another lady posted to The Naked Ovary to tell her she used clear fingernail polish and her wart went away too. WOW.. If this RX does not help I might try that. LOL Also, the Podiatrist mentioned the old wivestale of Duct Tape.. YUP! It does work for some. LOL for some reason my linking is not working but here is her site.

so after 2 jumps

car battery jumps that is.... I had to finally have my car towed to the dealer we bought it from. When I got my first jump, I left for work and then got on the highway ..... the car totally died 2 times.. no power, digital radio screen dead, odometer dead... etc.. POWER STEERING DEAD.. OMG.. my heart about jumped out of my body when that happened. Of course I stayed in the slow lane most of the way to work. I got to work and turned the car off and it would not start again. I had to go into work and make my self known to be there then I had to call service again and have it jumped again to see if it was the battery or not.... well, after he jumped me again and he left, it died and would not start again... battery cables were tightened by him at my work parking lot, but it still would not start up.. battery light was on on the good marker so it was a mystery why this was happening. I quickly called the service and he came back to flatbed my car and tow it to the dealer. After numerous calls to the house, because the service people are too stupid to call the # I just gave them(work) .... they called my house at 3:45 and said the car was ready.. by then I had to ask them to fix my breaks too. LOL well it was ready and all covered under warranty. YEAH.. Back break pads replaced (front were done 2 months ago) and they machined the roters too. Plus a brand-spankin'-new battery. So it runs like a champ. YEAH.. Heck, it should for a 1.8 year old car.... not 18 year old car, but just over a year and a half old.

(edit here.. OMG who the hell let me ramble on in a longass sentence like that? bah)

I am glad I got my car back b4 the weekend ... hehe I hate being a 1 car couple.



Ok, AF is nearly gone... BCP's are ok. I am tired, but eyes wide open.. that equals INSOMNIA. Looks like a call into the GP this week to discuss me taking some ambien or that new replacement sleep aide that will not make me a habit formin' insomniac who is ttc.

Tomorrow is a clean the house day and then a Six Feet Under marathon. I tivo'd the last 1/2 of the season over the last few months and saved them for a day to watch all at once. SO DON'T GO SPOILING IT FOR ME!

it is 8:26 am and this is my morning so far...

dh was not awake yet(6:30 am).. but reason being was that he has to go give a SA today so that threw my morning routine off.

Then I get ready to leave the house and set off the house alarm. LOL oops. Cancelled that so the cops would not show then .......poor doggies don't like that sound of the house alarm.

I got into my car outside and NOTHING... not even a click of the ignition. DEAD.

Hmmmm

I sit and wait here for A A A to show. pretty cool I get the VIP treatment since I am an employee

What an OFF mornging already.

GOod news is that AF is nearly gone... yeah.

Ok, off to go look for the battery service tow truck.

Happy Friday everyone.


I think I might have to do happy hour with a HUGE margarita tonight.

beading.

I am getting into the act of beading again. I will share with you the braclets I make this weekend... but you have to wait. hehe.

I went to the craft fair in St. Charles this past weekend and had a blast stopping at all the booths of beading jewelers. I picked up their business cards so I could have a peek at their web sites. Drab that is.. If you want to market your product, then get a good web page!

I am so glad I am taking programming classes so I can be serious about going into web page design one day in the future.

Sure, I said my dream was to become a nurse, but that would mean me quitting my day job and going to school full time and I know that will only happen when I do win the lottery.

Command Central said we are all clear for take off.

I got there this AM and nobody was waiting, I like that. I was called back a short time after that by Peggy and told her I was still sleepy and I am sure this Fluid ultrasound was going to wake me up. She directed me to the exam room, sitting in my nice sheik white drape on the exam table, Dr. Ahlering walked in and of course as always has a wonderful smile on his face. He said, "are you ready to get the show on the road?" I said, "Of course, let us start rolling forward". I like that great attitude he has and it rubs off on me.

The Fluid was injected into the uterus and then it began.....Cramping as expected. I took several deep breaths and Dr. A asked me if I was cramping up. Yup, but I was prepped for it. It came as no surprise. The screen filled up with the rushing fluid in the ute. I turned to look at the screen again and saw those nasty ugly blood clots I was yet to expell in the AF I am having. I am cycle day 6 and usually bleed as long as 8 days so I expected to have lots of residual bleeding from this and boy was I right.

Dr. A finished up the procedure and turned on the lights. Peggy left to work on my chart. Dr. A said we are clear for take off and asked again if I was on the October calendar schedule. I replied with a very happy YES! I then asked what his expectations were for my protocol. He was leaning towards Follistim and repronex with lupron. Ok with me.... Just brace me when I am on lupron for the migraines. LOL He then said I should hear from the cycle coordinator in the next few weeks and we are then all set for the October calendar. Hey, have I told you that I really like this doc? Well I do. I really like this attitude. He is not filling me up with false hopes. Heck, he even said my uterine cavity is in such great shape that we could fit twins or even 3 in there... I put a halt to that subject and said we are shooting for a singleton pgcy after our losses of twins. He agreed!

He left and I then spoke with Peggy to get things set for what my next step is. I am to expect a call from the cycle coordinator for my next steps. I am on week 1 of BCP's and they would most likely call me on week 3. She did hand me an extra pack of bcp's to carry me over another month because I will be on them into October before we start lupron.

This is getting exciting. I am excited to view the sample calendar for October too. She was kind enough to give me a copy of one and she did stress it might be tweaked a little, but in general I should expect to do retrieval the week of October 24th, actually later that week.

My AF really kicked in as I was walking out and I had to stop and take care of that. Thank goodness I was wearting protection so I did not mess all over myself. LOL I hate that. The RE's offices seem to give you this little 2 inch panty liner and they think that will catch the after flow of the fluid coming out.. NOT. LOL I was ready for the on-slaught.

Today is a good day. Today is a day to help me get into that mental mindset for prep to the cycle. I am back to losing weight, I am back to trying to get more sleep, I am back to keeping my schedule on track.

Ok, off to take my bcp! Happy Pill down the hatch.

Good Day to you.

a floating we will go a floating we will go

for the fluid US that is. I hope the results are clear... nothing wrong with this here ute so I can proceed with the prep to the fresh IVF cycle in October.

October 24th week is only 2 MONTHS away. YEAH.

The pain from the fluid ultrasound is semi-painful, but I take tylenol before and the pain usually only lasts about 20 minutes... Think of the worst AF craps you can get (mine are pretty nasty bad) and take that for 20 mins. It is funny because I know what I am looking at on the screen. I hope it is good news.

Oh, who the Hell told me to book this Fluid Ultrasound at 8:30 am on my day off? LOL At least I get it over with early and I can then go play for the day.

I am then off to go return some books for cash refund to the book exchange at the local Community College. I have yet to sign up for my HTML class but I expect to do that with the funds that are returned to me from the book buy back program. My class is a 1 credit hour and does not start until Nov 2005. 5 week class so I hope the homework is not too bad. Maybe this will help me be able to design my own web site off of here. hmmmmm

Thankful.....

Thankful I am ....

I am thankful I am in a wonderful marriage, sure we have had our off times, but IF has brought us closer together.

I am thankful my puppies love me no matter what. even if I scold them, they come nudge me to love them 5 minutes later.

I am thankful I have access to the internet. ALL the IF blogs are life savers.

I am Thankful for CHOCOLATE while I am PMS'n and on my AF.

I am thankful that I have such a wonderful support group system in St. Louis. Resolve, Dr. Jan DeMasters, doctors, friends, family.

I am thankful we have a roof over our heads.

I am thankful the weather is not too far from being near the low 80's again. YEAH. Come on Fall.

officially on my way....

Today is cd 3 and I am on day 1 of my bcp's in prep to my IVF cycle in October.

I am ready to get into this. I have been keeping a hopeful mind and working on dropping some unwanted lbs. I gained from the FET / Chemical Pregnancy cycle. I lost 7 lbs since the 8th of August. I have been low carbing and eating high proteins and foods containing folic acids. I looked into some yoga classes and might do a beginners class if it does start soon at www.yogastlouis.us 8 session beginners for 108.00, is that steep in price or ok? I love yoga and I get a great workout from it since I am not in the best of shape and mega skinny. LOL

Today was a good day. DH's side of the immediate family went to the St. Louis Cardinals baseball game and sat in the very top row of the stadium. Thank goodness it was in the shade up to the 8th inning. The Cards fell short of winning, but it was fun. Nice to be out with all of them including the MIL.

Speaking of MIL's... do you get along with your MIL?

Wednesday is a day of vacation so I can go in and have my saline sonogram or fluid ultrasound as some call it. This will determine if I am ready to fully moving forward to this October 24th week of the IVF cycle.

I hope you are all doing well in the winddown of the summer days.

Camping in 2 weeks for DH's family reunion at Babler State Park. FUN.

Prayers needed please for a friend(cancer ment)

A friend (I will call her N for now, I will post her name later when I know she is ok with it) from the local Resolve group who graduated from fertility treatments and has a 4 year old daughter and twin 2 yr olds..... was just diagnosed in the last few weeks with breast cancer. She is 37. I am shocked for her and her family, but this has got to be so hard on her and her family moreso.

I am asking for you to send out prayers for her and her family. After such a hard struggle to finally have a family after infertility treatment, she has to now go through and beat cancer !

I will post a link to her site as soon as it is up and running.

Can I ask you to light a candle for strength for her and her family in this time of need? Can you offer a prayer? Can you offer a positive thought for her? Something of any sorts is welcomed. I do believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer if you are the praying type.

I wonder what one person must go through in life and by gosh, this is something you would never wish upon anyone. My father died at a very young age of 49 in 1995 from Lung, Liver and bone cancer so I know the ramifications of cancer, but I hope and pray that our friend N's breast cancer is beatable. I offer my time to her to come over and help with the kids, the house, anything! The local mom's club has helped keep them filled to the brim in the freezer with meals for the next few months so I was thinking of pitching in with some friends that mutually know her and buy her a gift certificate to the local cleaning company to help come in and clean.... her house is HUGE compared to mine so I am sure the help would be appreciated.

Lord above, hear our prayers and positive thoughts and pass them onto N and her family.

tears

I like her, I like her not

AF that is.... She is a welcome sight today, well not really, but you all know we need her today to start bcp's this weekend as scheduled. Today is CD1 so I start bcp's on Sunday and then go in Wednesday AM for a Saline Sonogram. Then I am to get my calendar set up for the fresh IVF cycle. Thanks! Things are moving forward and in a positive way. Now if we can just keep my body in a cooperating mood we will be set then.

I went to the Pain Management Center here in town today. I received the first visit free...Evaluation for my back and neck pain. No xrays .. maybe next time, but that key word is NEXT TIME... Is it worth it? I got a deep tissue massage and then electrolysis on my back and man I can tell you I so miss this therapy like this. Back in 1989 I was broad-sided in my car by an idiot that ran a stop sign at Compton and Shenandoah streets. That put me in a bad way with my back. 11 pinched nerves and major whiplash. I went to the chiro for 3 years and had to quit due to no more coverages by insurance and no settlement yet on the accident. The idiot that hit me was uninsured! BOZO. Soooooo, I am not in a good way with insurance again because they require a deductible of 500.00... well really it is 1250.00 from my wonderful (NOT) insurance company, but I can work something out for payments on the 500(the chiro office eats the different between that!). I can then go for xrays and major adjustments and more massages and electrotherapy!!! Those pads on the back that stimulate you are just wonderful. ahhhhhhh

Ok, I am off to go veg on the couch as AF is being very mean with the cramps again. Must be the Endometriosis growing again. JOY.

Oh.. tomorrow I will promise to post more about the fellow friend that went through IF and now has breast cancer.


Blessings. Stop today and look around you and appreciate all that you have... Mind, Body, Soul, Health, family, friends, etc.... Sometimes we forget to stop and smell the goodness in these things. Simplicity is key to our survival... not materialistic things.

Peer Chat session....

Ahhhh, I so like our local peer support group in town. WOW. Thanks Amy! It is such a great place to be able to just let it out ... our feelings for the week about IF, family, friends, work, etc...

What would I have done without support in town to help get through this IF?? I WOULD BE INSANE. DH would have had to take me to the local State Hospital! (which btw is not very far from my house!)

There is another support group in town this weekend, but it is professionally led by a therapist. It is also a great place for IF support. If you want details, please post in the comment section and I will give details.

I meet so many neat people and have been able to gain such great friendships through it all too. Since IF takes our so called Friends away from us (well, we really learn who our true friends are in the outside of IF world!) it is hard to gain new friendships when many of the outside world don't get IF. We tend to draw ourselves back from public situations when going through IF.


Ok, stopping the rambling. I will be posting an important post tomorrow... it is about someone that went through IF and had 3 kids, but is now suffering from Cancer. I will focus on that tomorrow. I have shed many tears today in silence at my desk and will continue to do so until she is cured!

Blessings to us all.

until then....

Go ahead and Tatoo "Baby" on me

Let first start by saying I hate SPAM mail ... HATE it with a passion, but sometimes I get caught up in just reading the subject title to find out what june list I have been added to.(no, I don't open them!!! )

NOW I am getting.... ANYTHING Baby related.

B... Win free diapers for 5 years
B.... enter the Diaper award contest today
B......Let us help you name your baby
B.......Do you need a stroller for your baby
B........Do you want to win formula for a year
B.........

How about B..... YOU WILL GET PREGNANT WITH THIS NEXT CYCLE AND WILL CARRY TO TERM!! I need that kinda baby stuff first. HELLO?! I have to have a baby to use those FREE diapers for 5 years, I have to have a baby to let you HELP me name my baby! bahahahahahaha.... WTF?

newest discovery.... links for other blogs/sites

I finally, after hours of research and trying my fingers at programming, have figured out how to incorporate links on this blog to other blogs and other sites. Yeah..... scroll down below "archives".

YEAH.

HTML class here I come. I signed up for class for November for some programming. YEAH.

DH has this ability to attract

A trip to wallyworld (wallmarttttt) today brought a new recognition to me today. DH was walking through the pet supply isle and said to me , "hey, look at that cutie" .. I tured and saw a little 1-1.2 yr old in a cart seat with her mom and dad.... she was just smiling at DH. She was batting her eyes at him. He said she was the cutest little girl. Of African American decent and had the most beautiful curls up in pig-tails. She was smiling at us and even waved at DH.

This confirms my thoughts on DH's ability to be a wonderful father in the near future. He had this knack of being a teacher of sorts and I think that will enrich his experience in the future of being a daddy when we finally have our baby in arms.

DH is able to see the pain of the IF, but yet has this great attitude that infects me too and makes me smile at little toddlers/infants/kids like that now. Sure, some days are hard, but moreso I am able to smile at the sight of precious miracles.

Today was a good DH and I day that we spent at Wallyworld, Target(say it with the accent of Tarje) and then Big lOts.... Oh and Walgreens. It was a good day, but we spent lots of moohlah .. yikes.

Ok, Day ?? of provera and spot has gone away and I am feeling ok. Opps, be back later... I forgot to get something at Walgreens..

Have a wonderful afternoon.

I swear we should patition the gov for a 4 day work week and 3 day weekend. hehe

day one of Provera since AF can't seem to find me

when I need her. LOL

is nowhere in sight so I called the office and talked to my new cycle coordinators voice mail. She called me back in about 5 minutes. She told me to pick up my script of provera tonight and start them asap. 2 pills a day for 5 days and then AF should show in 3-5 days after that. I am to then call them with CD 1 for what I don't know, but then to start bcp's this next cycle to keep me on track for the cycle groups for October. YEAH.

Remind me, what is provara like? I use to take it and it was for 10 days one pill a day and that was bad enough... made me a biotch and bloated... what will happen with taking it 2pills a day for 5 days? Will the symptoms be even worse even quicker in time? LOL

tick tock tick tock... waiting is the name of the game

75 days and counting... can you figure out what I am counting down to?

it is on this page!!!

Well, did you figure out what the countdown is for?

GO CARDINALS (not related to my countdown, but rooting them on to a great rest of the year and PLAYOFFS too)

when my SIL calls for no reason you know what comes next..... (pg ment)

well at first it was no reason

yup... she called me out of the blue! Just to chat. Well, they do owe me money for babysitting but she did not even mention that. So about 10 minutes into our converstation, she said to me "Well we have some news to share" ..... Yup, you guessed it, they are pregnant with #3 due in March 2006. SIL and my Bro tried 13 years for my nephew... had him after many rounds of surgeries and naturally trying,.... then they went on to have an OOPS pgcy with my niece who is now 2 years old(newphew just tured 4). So they will have 3 under the age of 6.

DH was not home at the time of the call so when he walked in I shared the news with him. He kinda took it as a stab. OUCH. We have been trying now for 6.5 years and no luck carrying to term( I do not wish to go 13 years for ttc#1!!!). I do wish them luck as does DH, but man, can we have a turn at having the next new baby in the family after she has this one?! Really!

I instantly got the gut feeling that now my sister and bil will be next with pgcy .. I just found out last month that they are using clomid to ttc again.. Her 4th child their 2nd child if it happens. They are on vacation now and I bet .. just bet she will come back and have news to share with us in the next 2-4 months too. If not, mark my words wrong then.

I really am happy for them, but again it is the question of "WHEN IS IT OUR TURN?" I know, many have told me that it will happen when the Lord is ready for it to happen for us, UGH.... @@@@@@ those are my eyes rolling!

Ok, off the pity party.... I don't want Pity.. JUST AS MUCH LUCK AS YOU ALL CAN SEND OUR WAY. DH deserves to be a daddy, he will be a great dad soon. HOPEFULLY sooner than later!

Wow, just realized I am only 2 months and 16 days away from Retrieval week! WOW. Ok, need to get my butt in gear. higher protein and less carbs and some yoga again to boot.

Thanks for listening. Some of you out there might not understand my post, but some might. Thanks, no matter what!

we kept our mouths shut. Clueless people and IVF...

August 6, 2005. DH and I are camping with a group a people we met through camping(fun story, but for later days). We all decided, after lunch yesterday, to pack up the river chair and coolers and head down to the rock beach down at Meramec State Park camp grounds. It was a wonderfully summer afternoon after some drizzle and thunder rolling around us in the AM. There were about 6 kids ranging from the age of 1.5 to 14 or so, they were off playing and having fun in the rocks and catching minnows. The adults, about 12 of us, were all sitting in our chairs in the water watching the drunks floating down the river. After about 1 hour, the conversation turned to a subject that made DH and I face each other and raise our eyebrows and just grit our teeth and zipped our lips to NOT say anything. Mind you the fellow camper adults know nothing about our IF history. The started talking about people and how irresponsible they are when they go and use fertility treatments to have babies. Then they got on the subject of "OMG, I would never do that to have a baby and ESPECIALLY 3 or 5 babies". Again, DH and I kept ourselves hidden under our sunglasses and kinda acted like we did not care about the conversation. We did not even say a word. Luckily the subject changed in about 10 minutes time. Something distracted their conversation and they went off on another tangent.

DH and I got in the car to hop back over to the campsite and we just shook our heads at each other and both said "THEY JUST DON'T GET IT". Meaning, little did they know that they were in the company of two people that have no choice but to use IVF to try and have a child. TUBELESS in St. Louis is my title and that means I lost my tubes to 2 different ectopics! BUT we both understood that if they had all known our IF history they might not have even dove into that conversation. If they had known of our history, then you sure bet I would have been in the water splashing them a whole new view!

Our lives are filled with people that either know ALL our history if IF or NONE at all. I told DH that if the question "Why don't you all have kids yet?" comes up then I will open up and let them know what we are going through to become parents. ALl of them had kids. The one lady even has a sister that has been a surrogate for some other couple. Man, I wish I could afford that. Surrogacy is a very likely way we could have a child or two, but we cannot AFFORD the costs of a gestational surrogate. Meaning we can't afford the fees associated with a surrogate that we don't know. 30,000 is a common dollar figure for just their fee. Then I have to pay for IVF to retrieve my own eggs... another 10,000-12,000 dollars. Yup, I joke you not.

Anyway, I am back to the real working world tomorrow. I am almost done with Harry Potter then I will pick up my Three Junes book and read it for the local book club that we started with fellow friends that went through and are going through IF. It is a fun distraction.

ok, I will try and post a picture tomorrow of what my puppy (8 mos old) "Sadie" did to my house on Thursday day! OMG.. she is in the DOGHOUSE.

until tomorrow.

visitors near and Far..............

85 United States United States
1 Ireland Ireland
1 Canada Canada
1 Saudi Arabia Saudi Arabia
1 Australia Australia

those are the hits from the countries that lurkers visted from today on my blog (last 24 hours)

I would be so lost without my (IF) Friends that understand me

You, you know who you are. Your are my friends that went and are going through infertility and just "GET IT". I am so thankful for you!

You out there lurking, you out there reading this and understanding the very moments in life going through IF that can lead any normal person to insanity, you understand that that friendship makes us remain on the edge of SANITY. Sometimes precariously on the cliff edge, but somehow we can find that support within each other to keep from falling and falling hard 99 % of the time.

The support groups in this town are wonderful. Resolve St. Louis and Dr. Jan DeMasters are two wonderful support groups in town. If you need any help with finding one or more of either support groups, post here an leave your email address, I will then email you the info you wish for.

One-on-one meet up. These are also a life saver. Thanks Kelly! Dinner tonight was wonderful. Sorry my cousin kept interrupting. LOL

My Husband is a great support also. Over the last few years he has become a compasionate listener. He is also thankful for my support groups I can attend too. The one from Dr. Jan is open to couples and he has gone a few times. Also the Resolve group that meets for ConverSation and cookies is also open to couples. YEAH.

It helps to have my DH on the same page as I. I would be lost if not. He gets IF and the pain it causes, although sometimes I have to read it from his moods, actions, etc... but he is wonderful. Sometimes in the support groups I offer him to others that might not have that some support and compasion from their DH's. I feel for you if you are in that situation.

I can't go to either support group this week, but Thank goodness most of the meetings are spread throughout the month so I can make at least one or two.

THANK YOU. Sometimes words don't cut it, but I am sure you understand.

THANKS for being here, listening, advice, etc..

Thinking that I am not on the "IN" of the crowd

Not the norm, not the one that likes to blogityblogblog my thoughts. I can think them, but never seem to be able to type these thoughts down here. Let me try this. I need a question of the day. I will try that for a few weeks. I need to reveal one new thing about myself that you all would not know. Hmmm, can think of a few good fun things, otherwise I consider myself a boring blah blah chicklet.

Ok, here goes:

My question of the day for you is....... DO YOU EVER like to have your husband, sig. other, partner leave for a day or two? You know, leave you alone in the house for at least a 24 hour or longer stint? You answer and then I will reply with my answer in the comments!!!!!!!! (i bet you can guess my answer already!)

My one thing today I will reveal to you is...... I fart! In front of DH too! OMG.. I bet you are saying ewwww, sure, think that, but I grew up in a house that it was absolutely normal as breathing to fart at any one moment in your day. My dad would wake up at night and go pee. He would stand and pee and fart at the same damn time, how fucking crazy is that? ewwwww! Hey, my dogs even fart in front of me! It is a natural thing.
OK, now time for you to reveal your ONE thing you want to tell us.

Ok, there are 2 questions / statements you need to put in comment here, I look forward to reading your comments.

I know you are out there so delurk and comment, please? Do I have to beg you? Oh please!

YIPPPEEEE, I have a DATE, I have a DATE.

Yesterday, I called the SIRM office in St. Louis to find out about getting meds for DH for a cheaper price for the Bravelle shots he has to do for low testosterone/lh. While talking to MK at the office, she told me I can go ahead and book my IVF date. YEAH.

I asked her when I should expect AF since I had already calculated 28 days of my cycle and she said that with the chemical pregnancy this past cycle I should expect it to be another week or even 2 longer. Oh Joy. not. I then asked her might she know when I can cycle again and she transferred me to the booking desk! WOW. I was surprised. She told me to ask for the October cycle. Well, with this INCIID the HEART program they said I would have to wait until early 2006 to cycle. I was shocked. I told her that Dr. Ahlering and the ITH program director told me I can cycle this fall. She told me she needed to call me back and she did in like 5 minutes. I am all set up for the October 24th retrieval week st SIRM for a fresh IVF cycle. YEAH.

WOW. Good news.

Ok, off to shower, shop for a side dish for my friends party today and then go play in a washers tournament. If you are not familiar with washers game then click this "washers game". Not sure if this is a St. Louis tradition game or not, kinda like Toasted ravilois are from St. Louis.


Happy Weekend to everyone.

I can't wait to have a baby! Yard sales abundant today with baby stuff

I go to yard sales, have been doing this since I was a kid with my mom. I don't buy junk. I don't buy things I can't use and I don't buy baby stuff YET. YET ... did you hear that out loud? YET.

OMG.. There were tons of baby clothes and baby strollers, car seats, cute room decor(I mean whole sets of stuff like book shelves with ends, lamps, bedding, wall hangings).

I can't wait until I can go buy things like this at sales. I check them out all the time and almost bought a NEW PACKAGED sealed pair of baby shoes, but i refrained.

I use to go to the resale shops with my sister and I could not do that after our miscarriage of twins back in 2002. I am now really serious about wanting to start a small bag of baby items I can find at a reasonable price at sales. You would not believe the amounts of baby clothes I find that are BRAND NEW with tags at sales for 50cents, a buck, 2 bucks... etc..BRAND NAMES too!

Ok, I will one day be able to do this. Hopefully soon. I will have a huge smile on the day I can go to a sale and really buy up a HUGE amount of things with just 20 bucks. My sis is the queen at doing this and has many tips.

Sure... I want new store bought things, but sometimes there is just that bargain at the yard sales that I so don't want to pass up but some force keeps my hands from laying on that item and scooping it up yet... AGAIN.. YET.

See, there is this block I have inside me that keeps me from buying things like this at sales. I think it is mentally a challenge to get past that fear that I will miscarry again, I will never be a mom of a newborn, etc.. A feeling I would love to shake so I could take that 20 bucks and buy a car trunk full of special things for our baby we have one day soon.

I will be able to do it one day.

I have HOpe.

AF must be on her way....

AF = Aunt Flow= Cycle Day 1..... I am SOOOOOO having major PMS problems today... Just ask my DEAR HUSBAND(dh). He must know because he keeps egging me on for an argument. Bahahaha

Today is either cd 22 or cd20. Not sure due to spot. so if I have a normal 25 day cycle then I should get AF this Sunday. Then we can get the ball rolling for our consult soon for a follow up to the chemical pregnancy and then setting up the new IVF cycle.

YEAH.


GO CARDINALS!

bearable or unbearable? baby ment

co-worker is new grandma and is busy showing off her new granddaughter. I sit RIGHT next to her. Can't avoid it. She just returned from her 2 days off with being with new mom and the baby. I am happy for them, really, but this is so close to DH and I recovering from this chemical pregnancy that I just can't be 100% happy for them without feeling a tenge of sadness for DH and I! Know what I mean?

I will be seeing many many many baby pictures over the next few weeks and the mom works here also so it is unavoidable. I hate being bitter, I hate it.

I am praying hard that this next IVF and LAST IVF cycle will bring us our miracle baby in arms living in a year or so!

Just heartbroken over having so many angels and no baby in arms yet.

Sorry to vent, but I have to get it out.

Infertility work up procedures I have done or things found wrong.

HSG (aka hysterosalpingogram(sp?)) the dye test done in radiology to check the uterin cavity shape and to check the dynamics of your fallopian tubes, such as the ability to SPILL the dye fluid into the abdomen.

CCCT(citrus Clomaphine Challenge Test)

Hysteroscopy: inciid describes this best: If a uterine abnormality is suspected after the HSG, your doctor may opt for this procedure, performed with a thin telescope mounted with a fiber optic light, called a hysteroscope. The hysteroscope is inserted through the cervix into the uterus and enables the doctor to see any uterine abnormalities or growths. "Photos" are taken for future reference. This procedure usually is performed in the early half of a woman's cycle so that the build-up of the endometrium does not obscure the doctor's view. However, if the doctor is planning to do an endometrial biopsy at the same time, it is done near the end of the cycle.

laporoscopy: inciid again explains:
A narrow fiber optic telescope is inserted through a woman's abdomen to look at the uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries and to discern endometriosis or pelvic adhesions, and is the best diagnostic tool for evaluating the ovaries. This test us usually done two or three days before menstruation is expected, and only after an HCG beta blood test ensures the woman is not pregnant.


blood work: everything you can think of ... even STD's, etc... yikes, but thankfully the one bad things that came back Postitive in all this is a blood clotting disorder called MTHFR.


MTHFR: heterozygous, inherited from my maternal grandmother. My Aunt, Uncle have it as well as my gram had it, but my mom did not test positive for it,but she passed the gene down to me. This is the less serious mutation of MTHFR, but I have already proven that I am proned to blood clots. Frist and hopefully last blood clot was Feb. 2004. Right leg behind knee.

Diabetic: I am Type II, but controlled by diet and monitoring. I should exercise more too! My first sign that I was diabetic was being thirsty all the time. Diabetes can cause multiple problems, Infertility, Overweight, tired, etc... google it if you need.

PCOS: Gosh, this is such a complicated disease in women.... let me link you to a place you can read about it. What is so frustrating is that it is not curable nor do they know what causes it. I did not do this to myself..... Ugh.


Uterine Septum: #1, I was born with this so it is something I could not ever predict would cause so much of my Infertility woes. You know what, this seems to be my main cause of miscarriages.... The septum has been removed and grown back, but removed again... etc... I have miscarried and pathology shows the fetus was normal, but we keep having problems with pregnancy loss due to this.


if you have any questions about any of them please post a comment and I will reply. Google will help with research.

DH's turn for shots now.

in prep to the Fresh IVF cycle... DH needs to take bravelle shots for his low testosterone levels. LOL

He has the protocol and we start giving them to him this weekend. YEAH.. I get to poke him with shots again instead of it being me right now.

I hope this will help the issues with needing to do ICSI.. maybe if the sperm become stronger through these shots then we can avoid ICSI?

hmmm

I can't wait to start my next cycle in a few weeks.. then I can call for the consult and get things rolling to set up our Fresh IVF date this fall. YEAH.

off to bed so I can head to the yard sales tomorrow b4 I go in for the IF support group here in town.

death of Fr. Lawrance Walsh

Fr. Larry Walsh was the pastor of my grade school parish St. Margaret Of Scotland grade school in South City(Catholic) when I was a young south Side City kid growing up... he was there from when I was about 9 years old until I was about 13. Amazing man he was. He really had a down to earth quality about him. He took our youth group to St. Louis Steamers games at the Old Arena on Oakland ave often. He was the priest for the team and would go down and do a prayer with them b4 each home game then he would come back to our seats and have a good time with us cheering them on to victory.

The rectory was only 9 houses down the street from my house so it was often that I got to see him driving up the street while myself and several other neighbors and classmates were playing Tag or Red Light Green Light out in front of our houses. One time he even came up and played a round of Step Ball with us. Amazing man.

he instilled faith in me back then, which I have lost these days, but I do have fond Catholic memories of him thoughout my grade school years and into high school too as I saw him a few times after he became pastor of a local High school parish too.

He will be missed.

my summer addiction

this place is addicting... THis is the new 2005 season for their WEB CAM for orca viewing. I love it. I am addicted and have been since the first months of 2004 season too. I sit at my pc now and have my headphones plugged in.. but there are no orca sounds or even camera views of them right now.. just kelp, sea animities(sp?) and fishes under water views. Sunday night we got to see severl "blows" (orcas breath above water) and a sea lion or maybe it was a sea otter. Saw several small fish jumping or dolphins. Pretty cool. In IE browser, go to the live web casts. If you have broadband/dsl... it is a great shot. If you use dialup, good luck with the 56k. I love the live chat room too. I have met people from all around the world that are orca lovers. I have a new addiction and it continues.

try them out and let me know what you think.


p.s. I will give a great update tomorrow on the IVF stuff.

Today is a good day.

so good in fact that camping is in order! DH left yesterday with the camper and headed to the State Park. I am heading out in a few with the furdoggies and joining him. YEAH.

AF is light and not so mean, YEAH.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

SUN and FUN.

I swear I love my new Doc/RE.

The man knows exactly what to say. I swear to you. He walks into the US room(yes, he does all the US's himself) and immediately shakes my hand and says "I am so sorry this cycle did not turn out the way we all wanted it to" Meaning to stay prenant! He melted my heart and I really had to hold the tears back. He knows the pain and suffering of a loss. He has the right words to say. The right touch on the shoulder to comfort us through this all.

He did the US exam and it showed a blood clot in the uterus about 6-8 mm large. He offered to me to write antoher rx for pain meds meaning percocet instead of darvocet.. but I passed on it. I am ok today.. still bleeding and clotting, but it is much less today then yesterday.

He told me that we can have one more AF then plan on a fresh ivf cycle. WOW. I loved hearing that.

I feel much better emotionally today. I cried so hard in the lobby yesterday,but today, I overheard good news from 2 ladies walking out of there! YEAH.. I like hearing that. REally I do. They both graduated from this RE to their OB.. meaning they are past the "worry" part of the first steps in pregnancy. See, that gives me hope that I can get pg then too.

Now to get my body back in shape and lose these lbs from this past cycle.

AF should be gone in about 3 days or so then I am good to move forward.

Thanks so much for all the prayers and good wishes. We are making it through this and will move forward no matter the path we take. I hope to try IVF one more time then we will move on if that does not work.


Bless us all.

bec

darvocet and sleep Rx'd to me

bleeding has not let up, but the doc confirmed by blood work that the beta / hcg level is a zero .. which is good, but now we need to find the source of this bleeding. I go in Wednesday for an US scan and hopefully he will get a grasp on what is happening.

I felt bad today.. I broke down in the lobby of the doc's office and just sobbed. After 3 days of this bleeding crap, I am spent. Tired, have a massive headache. I did ask them to take my blood pressure, but they did not. I will insist they do that tomorrow. I hope they can tell me why I keep getting these headaches now too. Fun.

I feel like a big ole ball of complaints.. but legit complaints at that.

DH told me today he is worried about my well being. He is worried that we need to just stop the ttc crap and let me have a hysterectomy. FRICK. today was not a day I needed to hear that from him, but I know he means it in a thoughtful way.

Ok, off to eat dinner(late) and then take my darvocet and go sleep for a few hours.


Thanks for reading if you have!

heading out the door to the ER or the doc's office

waiting for Dr. Ahlering's office to call me back. I have been bleeding heavily for the last 38 or so hours from this miscarriage/chemical pregnancy. I am passing clots the size of 1/2 dollars and cramping so bad, now a nasty headache to boot. I called this to happend but I swear I did not wish it upon myself. I hate this. My body just can't handle the let down from any type of + pregnancy no matter the outcome.

I paged the nurse on call Sunday evening. Told her I was bleeding heavily and that I was passing clots. She had me get in bed and stay there with lots of hydration so I did. I then went through all day Sunday the same way.... no let up on the system letting this mc happen. Now today after almost 38 hours, I am spent, exhausted, mentally in a bad way. Emotionally TORN up.

I paged the nurse again this AM after the symptoms got worse yet again. She called back and said she was on the way into the office and she would call me after she speaks with Dr. Ahlering himself. I wonder if he will have me come in there for an exam or have me call my ob/gyn and have them admit me to the hosptial for possible surgery / d&c?!

Waiting is the hardest part. Headaches and clots are a close second on the hardest to deal with.

until later, until I know what is happening... I will sign off for now.

live 8

amazing coverage at streaming live video



amazing.

support the cause. Not money, but support

Funky

that is how I am feeling. I am in a funk and admit I will have to seek help for this soon if it does not pass. I know I have talked about it b4, but I think the need for an anti-depressant is going to be necessary to get me through this loss of the pregnancy and into the summer months and through the fall until we can decide when to cycle again and or move onto adoption.

Gosh, I hate it when I feel I have lost control of the emotional aspect of this all. I know the hormones are raging and that is one reason, but usually I can snap out of the funk of a bad cycle right away. Not this time. I admit it. I hate defeat, but I admit that drug involvement might be necessary to get me through this. DH is a rock, but I think he is realizing he can't fix my FUNK. He can try to say all the right things, but I just snap and go off. I can't give myself this pep talk to get well and it hurts to admit it, but I do.

Therapy is an option, but she is very very expensive and I can't afford that right now so I think a very good option is talking to the doc and asking for the meds to help me deal with the emotional side of things.

Last time I was on an antidepressant I was not able to cry, emotions were totally shut down and I did not like that, but that was 4 years ago and things have changed with meds recently and I hope they can help.

Defeat is recognized and will be rewarded with a new outlook on things when the meds can start working.

How do you deal with depression?

I can't stand myself.. OMG HELP ME

I am so crabby I can't stand myself.

My tears flow at the drop of any word from DH's mouth. OMG.... I know I am crabby, I can't stand being around myself. My hormones are dropping like a rock and I can't stand it. DH even asked me if I had started AF.. I was kinda put off by that and mad that he was insisting I was CRABBY. Bahahahaha, but I am crabby damnit and BUT you don't have to throw it in my face. He asked me about 4 times tonight "what is wrong, why are you so quiet..??" I finally had to ask him to stop making the assumption that I am BIOTCHY tonight because DAMNIT I know I am.

I actually got in the tub and scrubbed it from top to bottom then I cleaned the bathroom. Now that is a productive BIOTCHYNESS that I can handle because my bathroom Looks DAMN GOOD. LOL last night I cleaned the living room like that too. Sweat is productive. But the milkyway bar was not so productive after I did all that hard work. Bahahaha

Ok, signing off with my biotchy butt doing to bed.

Oh to wish to afford a maid... LOL

Maid? What? I so wish. DH and I are having family over this weekend for a BBQ/Pool party for the 3rd of July... We are tackling a room a night for the rest of the week. Tonight DH cleaned the Kitchen. YEAH.. I hate that job. I cleaned the living room. Cleaning included top of the tv stand.. yikes the dust bunnies were huge... and then the ceiling fan and window sills. I hate it that our house is so dusty. I blame it on 2 things, Dog/cat(3 dogs and 1 cat) hair and then I use baby power each day after my shower. I swear baby power leaves a coating of power all over the house. Yikes.

I admit I hate to clean. I would rather walk 2 miles in the 99 degree heat instead of cleaning house in the AC.

You? Do you like it or did you find a way to afford to hire a maid/cleaning service?

It wasn't a dream, it was a real spider.

I was in bed this AM and felt a bite of something behind my knee on the skin in the fold of my leg. I brought my knee up to me... scratched and then thought.. Hmmm, I wonder if that was a spider. YIKES.

I immediately got up and looked where my knee would have been and sure enough it was a spider I had trapped in my knee joint and killed just after it had bit me. Hmmmmm

I showed it to DH and he immediately got online and looked it up. I can't tell nor can he tell what kind of spider it is. I don't think it is a brown recluse, although it is small and hard to tell since we don't have a magnifying glass. If it is a baby Recluse.. YIKES.. BUT I read online the symptoms of the bites and I don't have anything out of the norm I have physcially been dealing with this cycle(swelling from AF / PMS is normal).

I will keep an eye on things and make sure I shake out my blankets tonight... Ugh.. I have a feeling that I will have a pretty good chance of dreaming about this and making the emotional part of this worse than it should be. Bahahahahahaha

EWWWWW.

First call in the AM..... PEST CONTROL to come spray the house.


I sure hope this was not a Brown Recluse!!!


don't it make your tummy turn when you think about spiders?

oh, btw, DH kept the spider and put it in a sealed cup just incase I need to go to the ER tonight with symptoms.. LOL AND he found 3 more of these same spiders down in a rolled up town in the basement when he went to change the laundry. I bet it is just a common household spider, but I would love to know for sure.

This cycle comes to an end. But it is not the end of the world.

Friday's beta hcg level was down to 5.9. Our Chemical pregnancy is .9 points from officially being over, but they are done doing beta's. I stopped the PIO progesterone injections now and have to wean off of the dexamthasone up to Wed. I expect my AF lining shed will be very heavy. I will go visit the local sundries store tomorrow and stock up on my AF supplies. I will ride this out as it happens and will call my ob/gyn for help if needed as my RE is out of town for this coming week. Ugh.

This is bitter sweet, we tried hard to make this cycle work and yet it did in a way. Something tried to implant, but did just did not have the strength to hang on. I hope that I can try one more fresh cycle and then DH and I are up for saving for adoption domestically for the next 3 years. I resolve to the fact that our chances of a biological child are becoming slim so we have to broaden our thoughts and options for becoming parents. It took a long time in our battle of infertility to realize that "PREGNANCY" is not always necessary to have a child. A child we can love no matter how s/he is born into this world. Sure, we would grieve our loss of a bio child if that is the route our Journey takes us, as I assume many would, but once I can hold a baby in arms and say "s/he is ours" then I will be very proud of our journey to that moment.

I want to be happy right now, but I have to get through the grief and AF is the last part of that to come this week.

Thank goodness for IF therapy group meetings . YEAH. Damn it, I was pregnant for a short time.

Babysat my niece and nephew Friday night and had a great time. I got a wonderful picture of DH reading book to my nephew just b4 bed. It was very sweet and gave me hope that we will be parents and he will be a wonderful daddy.

I wish I had a cable to download that picture to share with you.

Hearts heal in due time
Wounds will be healed over
Minds will prevail


mood: ok
feeling physically: crampy
book I am reading: A gathering of Old Men.
favorite blog:

Chocolate is the cure all.

What better than Chocolate to sooth the pain? Yup... ZINGERs. Gosh.. yum. Man, I know they are bad... but heck,.... I had to smooth over my aches and pains today and wallowed in chocolate to do it.

HAHAHAHA, laugh with me damnit.


Ok, what is next ? Beta #4 tomorrow and then the wait for the call to help me figure out what is our next step in this doomed cycle. I dread the call, yet I am anxious to get it moving forward and resolved. You know, limbo sucks. You have been there, haven't you?

Ok, I am going to do a "What Am I Thankful for" post tomorrow. Think about it... and come back tomorrow night and post your response as to what you are thankful for.


Oh... I am babysitting tomorrow night and looking forward to the fun time with my niece and nephew. I just hope that this body holds off on starting this miscarriage until after that. Yikes.

I will wish you all a TGIF tomorrow.

Reality Bites when it comes to Infertility.

Today I went in for our 3rd beta HCG blood draw to see if we had a chance at this pregnancy being viable. Not in our cards today. Today's beta was 11.5, down from 12.8 on Monday. This is a huge hit in the gut. 99% sure it is a chemical. OUCH. I have to stay on my meds/PIO shots/ until Friday and do yet another Beta hcg blood draw. They want to make sure this is a true chemical.

What is a chemical pregnancy? Well, one of the embies from the 3 we transferred tried to implant. It sent out signals to my body that it was implanting thus the + beta #'s. But with them being as low as they were, it is most likely that the poor embie could not fight hard enough to hang onto the lining and is disolving by itself. It could not attach. I chalk that up to the fact that these were frozen embies and when frozen then thawed for transfer, they lose strength and cells. I guess our embies did not have the full strength to dig in and stay.

Now comes the hard part. My body going through a miscarriage is not a fun trip. I have been there too many times to count. 2 ectopics that ended in Laporoscopies and D&C's(7/99 and 10/00 for each ectopic and reason I lost both tubes). 1 miscarriage of an 8 w(week) baby boy fetus due to am implantation most likely on the septum that I had in my uterus, also ended in a D&C (2/00). Miscarriage of twin babies at 8w3d due to subchorionic bleed (one girl for sure of the twins)(10/02), then miscarriage yet again of twin babies at 10w due to another subchorionic bleed.(10/03). Now this chemical miscarriage at 4w (6/05).

Sad history. I hope to not repeat again on any account of it all.

I don't ask for pity party. I just want you to know the desire to have a child is strong for both DH and I. We were put on this earth to meet each other and procreate a child together to raise for them to marry and procreate also. I do believe we will be parents in due time one way or another, but I am close to finished with this roller coaster ride that keeps jerking off track for us. I want a COOL FUN RIDE and I know it will be difficult to find if we become pregnant again from the next and FINAL , IVF treatment we will be seeking sometime this year.

I talked to DH tonight when I got home. We will try one last fresh IVF cycle and that is it. Then we are going to hunker down and save our funds for about 2.5 years to be able to afford adoption domestically. I admit the urge for a newborn is too strong to want to go internationally for a baby that is 8-9 months old or older by time we adopt them.

I will try and figure out how we will grieve this loss. I have an idea of buying a nice tree and planting it in our back yard this fall. Or maybe a brick to add to the Angel of Hope memorial in St. Charles MO at Blanchette Park.

DH said something to me tonight..... This loss makes him question if there is a GOD out there. Why would GOD punish us like this? WOW.... profound statement from him, but it sure makes me think.

Ok, Thank goodness there is a support group meeting this weekend. I was suppose to go to a baby shower for my co-workers daughter(also a co-worker) but I will be missing that to go to the support group instead.

gosh.. I so hope tomorrow bring good news.

Tomorrow will be 12dp6dt and beta #3. I am praying and praying that this body of mine cooperates and does the right thing by upping the beta #'s accordingly. I hope it is huge... at least double to quadruple. LOL Can't ask for too much now can I?

Today is a good day... crampy... but not bad. Good things happening I hope. No bleeding, and no I won't jinx myself by saying that. I think the 2cc's of PIO and the bullet P4 suppository is helping with that. I have never done 2 cc's of PIO and NEVER did vaginal support b4 for P4. My body is liking this. I just hope the Beta is liking to climb up in counts too. Not just a small climb, but a HUGE climb.

I pray that this is one singleton hanging on in there.

I went to the dentist today and had to tell her I am very early pregnant.... Because I have to avoid x-rays and any excessive gum battery. Soooo, she was very excited for us and told me she needs to talk to my ob/gyn doc to discuss my next cleaning in my 2nd trimester due to my use of heparin. She can't and won't clean my teeth due to the risk of bleeding while on the heparin. gee, hopefully that will take me into my 9th month of pregnancy. LOL
She did give me a new tooth brush and some alcohol free mouth wash to use for now. NO TEETH cleaning for me for now.. just lots of brusing and flossing, which she knows I floss about 10 times a day.

I am tried and better head off to bed.. Plants watered, pool is treated(green today from the heat, ugh) and doggies tired too.

Oh, tomatoes and peppers and cucumbers growing already. YEAH. can't wait to pick my first batch of what is ripe first.


Thanks for haning in there with us.

Can't wait for a HUGE beta # soon so I can finally do that EPT and see a good word printed on the digital read out.

So the BFN turned into a BFP.. well low Positive.. but I am PREGNANT...

I am .... WOW.

I have a + beta and it was so low that the HPT would not have picked it up anyway.

Off to dinner with DH to celebrate.. I will write more later.

YEAH.

It is over. BFN

my heart knew it too. I got the BFN on the EPT today. I know, go ahead and tell me it could be wrong or giving me a false negative, but I know it is not. Damn it already. I am sad, but the grief has left me tearless. I can't even pop one sad tear out of this dysfunctional body of mine.

We are most likely done with Infertility treatments. I can't afford to do another Fresh IVF cycle. I can't go and borrow money as we are maxed out. Family does not have money to pay for this either and my guilt would stop me from ever even asking them to help out.

I now have to wait for DH to wake up and tell him that "Sorry I can't give you a Nice Father's Day Present as the HPT was NEGATIVE or as it reads "Not Pregnant".

Oh wait, I think he is stirring in the other room to get up and go to the bathroom. Dang it. I am so sad I have to tell him it was negative.

I know my body and I can tell you with 99% certainty that I am not pregnant. I am holding off AF with lots of PIO shots and suppositories so there is no way AF could start on her own and I have never gotten a BFP with not bleeding so I know this is over. Go ahead, tell yourself I am fooling myself, but I know better. I know that when they call me tomorrow afternoon while I am at work with my 2nd beta results.. it will be negative.

Don't give me that false hope.. Sorry, but I have been through 3 miscarriages, multiple NEGATIVE IVF cycles, + cycles that only start with a bleed or two............I know my body too well and this is it. It is over. I will be a good girl tonight and do my last PIO shot then go in at 8:10 am AND do my BETA draw. I will then have to go to work with my "NEGATIVE" self and put my Happy Face on for my co-workers and boss and then I can come home and medicate my sorrow with a HUGE ASS MARGARITA. Chevy's here I come.

My heart breaks that I have to tell DH the results, but he agreed that the HPT will help us deal with the results.

I know one day we will be parents, but I will take some time to grieve this and move on when I am ready.

crawling under my rock for a long time to come.

pardon me if this blog becomes quiet for a while.... take it as my grieving process.

Thanks for keeping up with us here and thanks for keeping the hope up for us. Sometimes we just can't control Mother Nature.

until then

Oh they are calling my name....

I asked DH to come home and do my PIO shot tonight, but I asked him to do 2 other things first... stop and buy PowerBall tickets.... and then go to Walgreens and buy EPT brand hpt.... He is such a good hubby. LOL

I have my power ball tickets sitting here ready for tonights drawing.

I have a box of 2.. oopss. 3 (buy 2 get 1 free) "pregnant" or "not pregnant" hpt's in the bathroom. OMG...... Do you hear them.... Calling out my name... yup! I hear them. BUT I promised myself I would not HPT until Sunday the 19th and with FMU... FMU... you ask? first morning urine.... because I have to let it build up in my system for at least 4 hours and I can do that while sleeping. No water drinking past midnight for me then hold my urge to go from say 2 am to 6 am and then TEST..... Oh the urge.... Hey, did you hear that again? >>>>>>>>>>>>bec, come test with me now................<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< NOPE... I will not pee on them tonight.

OMG.. there is an HPT commercial on the tv right now.. OMG.

LOL Ok, I had a great day... walked in the Race for the Cure today and then came home and relaxed. Lots of uterine cramps so I hope that is a good sign. Oh please AF stay away and Bring on that BFP... I have such mixed feelings right now... BUT I won't pee on that stick until tomorrow Morning. LOL

My friend told me to call her if I need in the AM no matter what the test result is... Hmmmm 6 am? should I call her? LOL


Ok, off to watch Six feet under and Meet the Faulkers on tivo.

the urge is stronger

Komen Race for the Cure in St. Louis is tomorrow and

I am walking with 48 of my co-workers and friends and family. FUN. I will post pictures tomorrow night.

In Memory of Jane Walcott

In Celebration of Kelly and Kay Walt.

1st of 2

tomorrow AM is my first beta of 2 I get to do with SIRM St. Louis. I have beta #2 on Monday and that is when I get the results of both beta's. They won't tell us on the first beta draw. So the torture begins.

I will most likely break down and do an hpt on Sunday. Now to decide on what brand to use. LOL

I feel pregnant one moment and then the next NOTHING. ARRGGHHH.

I am nervous. I don't want to think of the what ifs if it does not work. I am so scared.

All our married lives( and b4 that) Jeff and I have wanted to have children. We waited several years to get where we felt comfortable to move forward with trying ... after a time apart from each other due to other issues we had to work out, after deaths in both sides of the family that were devastating, after much love that we grew to know and appreciate again, We have given this our all. I have a great doctor and his staff to back us up, but even I know it is out of their hands. We have put everything out on the line. We have asked for Help from the Higher powers, we have given our love and devotion, our hearts and I am so scared that I can't give my husband a child we so deserve together. I know we are going to be parents one day soon, I just hope and pray that it is through this medical technique that is so amazing that we can achieve our dreams into a reality.

My Civic duty has been paid....

a whopping $12.00 per day job and only 1 day of Jury summons duty. YEAH.. I went in at 8 am and got out at 2:15 or so.. I was not lucky enough to be selected for a trial pool, but that is ok with me this time around. The hardest part was parking in the Kiel/Savvis Garage and walking to the courts building. LOL I am so needing to walk more.

I can't say it was an honor to serve, but I don't mind it. I know that many people HATE jury duty, but I am always nosey enough to want to get into a trial. Bahahahahaa

Ok, off to nap.. little headache and now feeling some little cramps. I hope that is good.. these babies diggin' in.

I saw him on DHC.... My RE .. I saw him..

last week at our transfer of our 3 babies FET.... Our RE said that he was a busy guy.. My DH then said, yeah you tv celeb..... well the RE then said that he would be on Discovery HEalth Channels Triple the triplets Show this week on Baby Week on DHC..> Well Yup he was. Man, This is scary.. I put back 3 blasts .. OMG... Is this a sign? hmmmm.. Ok, I know I am jumping the gun, but It was pretty cool to see the embryologist and Dr. A on the TV screen in reference to helping a couple achieve their dreams by doing this IVF cycle with them and then the show went on to tell the couples story of labor and delivery of triplets. COOL


mood: crabby... well at least DH thinks so.
feelings: DIzzy and crampy with twinges
music: Ben Folds and The Arch 106.5 fm.

oh yeah... I felt that

each tug and pull of the uterus gives me hope that I am having implantation cramps. hahahaha... Those of you that have gone through IF and have experienced the scrutiny of the 2ww, well you know how exciting those little twinges and tugs and pulls are. LOL

This is my sight from my back yard tonight.



beautiful. Stormy evening, but now it is quiet.

Watching Discovery Health Channel to get my fill of those programs.. You know.. It is baby week on DHC and I do this every time it is on. I watch it.. Thinking it will give me hope to get a BFP soon.

DH is late giving me my PIO shot .. Off to do my heparin shot.

Today is a good day... Dig in babies dig in.

I feel good (sing to the song) ...I knew that I would...

well, of course I am feeling the GOOD possible symptoms of waiting for implantation to happen....

AF type cramps a little tonight...

Drinking lots of water.....

Brushing my teeth type of gag....

Peeing like every 20 minutes.....

DIG IN BABIES DIG IN...

Ok, tivo'd Meet The Faulkers on pay per view tonight so that is going to be my good movie flick of the night..

I watched YaYa sisterhood movie last night and it was good, but did make me have a crying jag or two ... LOL another symptom?


Our TV went out in the living room so dh had to ask my bro and bil to come over and move the tv from downstairs to up here ... after that I offered a beer to bil (bro does not drink) and he called me on the way home and said (bil was not driving) that the beer was a year old by the born on date and we should come over tomorrow and have a celebration / birthday party for the beer tomorrow.. Bahahahahahaa... DH is the one that drinks beer and gosh I can't believe I gave my BIL a year old petrified beer. OMG.. how mortifying is that? What a way to thank him for helping move the tv for us? So in turn , dh offered to help my BIL with his kitchen rewiring as compensation to the bad beer. LOL BIL took him up on it too. too funny.

man, I missed going to yard sales today...

I am the proud momma of 3 blasts

I am now the mamma keeper of 3 blast embies.

my mom had agreed to drive me there and back from transfer since DH was not sure if he could make it or not... Well I called an "emergency" into DH at work and he promptly left work to meet us at the clinic.. but about 10 minutes b4 mom and I were to leave, DH walked in the door at home. My mom said she would just let the 2 of us head to the clinic and do the transfer since she was not really needed, not in a mean way, but she understood. DH and I go there in the office and while sitting there after checking in, a couple walked in to check in also.. They sat down and then the guy looked at DH and said "Hey, you know me, don't you?!" well it turned out to be dh's sis's ex boyfriend from just after high school. He and he wife did a fresh cycle and were there for the transfer. We all talked and exchanged email so I will send them good wishes also. Too funny to know people in the lobby. We wished each other well and good luck then they were called back.

We were told that things were running about 1/2 hour behind.. no problems as my bladder was not too full at that time. YET. LOL
We were called back... I changed into a gown and then as quick as that they asked us to come into the transfer room. The nurses setme up, the doc came in and shook our hands and wished us luck. The doc then started the US guided exam, speculum, wash prep and then the most important moment... he said we have dr. H here with your 3 embies ready to transfer. Dr. H, the embryologist walked into the room and confirmed there were 3 blasts for me... confirmed and then dr. A inserted the Catheter.... pretty amazing to see it actually being advanced on the US screen . He slowly let the embryologist inject the embies into my uterus. Which btw, had a GREAT lining appearence. YEAH..

We of course had discussed (dh and I) how many to transfer, but when they walked in with the catheter full of 3 embies, that was our answer. Dr. A felt comfortable doing 3 and honestly I could not have picked if we had to.

This transfer was was the best. I felt NOTHING... only thing I felt was when Dr. A had to empty part of my full bladder to help get a better view of the uterus. Then he drained it for me after the transfer. That is the only thing I felt. Much better after 4 different transfers from Dr. P in the last 4 years. Relief.

Ok, now I am trying to talk these embies to get 1 of them to implant. I am scared for multiple implantations, but I will let that ride in the higher powers hands now ...

The next 7 days (until 1st beta) will be busy as I have Jury duty Wed. Then I go back for 2nd beta that following Monday and that is when we get the results. Much shorter of a 2ww, but just as much time to worry. LOL

Until tomorrow.. I am back to bedrest. (laptopposting for now from bed) and will sleep all day tomorrow as much as possible.

Thanks for hanging in there with us.

dog tired

I went to bed at 3 am and got up at 6:20 am. What is wrong with that time frame? this is the AM of my Transfer and I am NOT needing to be sleep deprived.. Ok, let the doggies out and then off to bed again.

Oh, I need to find a good nail polish to spiffy up these toes.

signs signs everywhere there are signs...PART TRES

What a beautiful lightning display tonight in the freaky St. Louis Sky... Welll the sign that I got out of this storm....... At 8:10 pm, the sun made its way out of the western sky... not visible itself, but the beautiful overcast of orange and lightning flashing in the eastern sky... I looked up to the East and there it was... a beautiful Rainbow. DH even saw it.

Rainbows... what a spectacular sight.

Wishing upon that pot of gold at the end to be our pot of gold of a baby.

WOW... Thanks for such a wonderful view tonight.

my choice.... 10:30 am or 1pm

Well, I got a phone call on my Cell today from M at Dr. Ahlerings office.. WOW... They said I could come in Friday for our FET transfer at 10:30 AM... well, I was so surprised and said "So Early?,Dr. A said it would be in the afternoon." she then said I could come in later if I wanted... I was shocked.. REally? "Well see", I told her, "DH needs to come and the later time would work out perfectly" WOOOHOOOOO

So we go in at 1 pm on Friday to pick up our precious babies.

How cool is that? I sure hope this uterine condo is ready for a resident for the next 8 -9 months.

ok, dinner is almost here, be back later to blog more.

ok back... Get this.. I have our transfer on Friday day... but DH and I got tickets to the Cardinals vs. Yanks game.. Frick. I can't go. Go figure.. DH is going to go still. I will be on bed rest so no worries. Oh well. I am sure I will be able to see one of the greatest teams / managers again one day. Well, maybe not Torre.

2 or 3, help us decide.....this is a poll for you to help us.

I can blog.. I can ramble.. but today I need to ask you a question..

I have 3 embies frozen... I need your input... If all 3 thaw in the lab on Friday, do I risk putting all 3 back in or do would you suggest to only put 2 back in?

I know, this is a loaded question.. but since I have a history of miscarriage of twins... it scares the shit out of me to even think about putting 3 back, but then the emotions run high knowing I don't want to leave one embie go and not transfer it back. See, we can't refreeze a thawed embie! UGH>

What would you do? Would you risk putting 3 back in if they all thaw? No matter what quality?

If you need more details... post a reply and I can add more to this.

DH and I are up in arms over how many to transfer. Those are our preicous embies.. I don't want to let one go to waste... know what I mean?

I pray that only 2 make the thaw.. Really, but what if all 3 make it? I know, it seems that I have already answered my own question, but I wanted to seek your thoughts.

Thanks in advance and Be honest. I can take the honesty.

I need you to help me test my blog...

can you please post a comment to this post today? I am having problems with Comments being visable to the readers.. I am getting them by email, but they are not posting to the Comment section of each post.. I have tried to update my settings, but still keep having problems.

Just post any simple comment to this .. Or tell me how you like this blog?! LOL

Thanks for helping me try and figure this bloggin' stuff out.

bec

put your left butt cheek in, take your left butt cheek out

kinda like that song... you put your right butt cheek in, you put your right butt cheek out... you put your left butt cheek in, you put your left butt cheek out....And you shake it all about.....

That would be because I am now on 1 cc of PIO (progesterone injection to prep for our FET transfer on Friday) and that was injected in the left butt cheek tonight by my wonderful shot giving DH. Then the 10,000 units of HCG went into my right butt cheek, again injected with the ut-most precision from my Dear DH. (dh=dear husband when he is being a good guy to me!) Then I stopped the Lupron so THANK GOODNESS I won't have LOOPY lupron headaches anymore.

I am set to go for transfer of our embies on Friday .. most likely in the afternoon..... DH might be able to make it, but I will still have to have my mom drive me there and back. pretty cool to think both might be there in the transfer room. hehe

I have a nice 10mm triple stripe lining today...YEAH... Oh.. have I told you lately that I LOVE my doc? Even DH was in the room today with me while I was having my US and he was impressed with his attitude and communication. What a difference from the previous RE... the US tech did all the US's and Dr. Pearlstone never did them unless they were for my saline sonograms or retrieval and transfers.

Oh... the fun things I did today..... I took my mom to bingo with a co-worker of mine in St. Paul MO(just west of O'Fallon MO) and my mom won 200.00 on pull tabs and then 5 minutes later I won 500... WOOOHOOOOO. Bead buying here I come on Ebay. YEAH. I did spend 100.00 on groceries on my way home tonight. LOL

Ok, for now I am off to read my book. Book club meeting tomorrow night. FUN

Mood: Happy
book: Desperate Housewives eating Bon Bon's.
music: ben folds in the car cd player.. (scored a few good cd's at a yard sale this past Saturday)

23 credits and many more to go....

I am what you call a LIFER for college. I did not go straight out of high school. I regret that TOTALLY. I swear to you I do. BUT... I make the best of it today and take a class or two each Spring and Fall semester at the local community college. I am in a frenzy to find the right 2 year associates degree to apply for...I am in the IT field in my job, but it consists of more admin side of things. I do very little programming and what I have learned has been all hands on. I am looking to sit down with an advisor b4 fall session begins and plotting out my path finally. I have 23 credit hours accumulated and that is nothing to sneeze at for my accomplishments. Heck, that means I have maybe another 40 to go instead of 60 or 65 credits for that 2 year associates. LOL Hey, laugh with me damnit, that was a funny... It means I am a LIFER for college. Get it? I also have to take the placement test for the college too since I got the advisors to write me past several IT classes I took without having to take the comprehensive math and english classes yet. Yikes.. Those classes are needing to be taken soon and I must finally give into my fear of flunking tests and go take the damn thing. (ok, get it now that when you read this blog, I NEVER ever claimed I could spell right!)

Sorry, I am rambling... I have hurdles in my life... 1 is INFERTILITY and the 2nd is TESTING for SChool subjects. Current gpa is 3.67 or something like that and I am proud of that!

So I posted about wanting to become a nurse one day, well I think for now that is a no go since my job, thankfully, pays for job related classes and books up to 80% as long as I get a C or above in each class or 50% if not job related, but business associates degree related. SOOO no, they won't help pay for nursing school. Dang.

Oh.. btw.. if anyone is interested.. CitiMtg is hiring out at 40 and K in O'Fallon...... St. Charles area..(you must apply on-line at their web page). They need reps to man the phones.. it is a temp to hire job... also, they have "IF" benefits if you are hired perm after 90 day... but my catch is ... they won't pay me enough.. ARHGGGHHHHHH. I can't take a cut in pay... Frick. if you need details, post here and I can email you back.

Ok, out to water the garden.. I have blooms on my tomatoes already. YEAH.

signs signs everywhere there are signs...PART DEUX......

I fed my bad habit and bought a nice shirt off of Ebay for work. Hang in there, this goes with the + signs of + thinking for our FET cycle....

I got my shirt in the mail today. this is the nice note I got from the seller of the item.....

"Thanks you for bidding and purchasing from us. I am very thankful to you and for what Ebay has done for me.

2 years ago, at age 37, I worked for a major insurance company. I had worked there for 17 years, and it was a very secure job, but not one that fulfilled me. So, I decided to leave.

On August 4, 2003, two months after I left my job, I found out I was expecting my first child.

It was the happiest day of my life.

And the scariest. How was I going to support us?

So, to create a nest egg for my new family, I decided to sell off everything on Ebay. I have never looked back. I'm hoping it's God's will that I can continue to earn a living for our baby girl.

There is nothing etter than being am mom. Except for being an "Ebay Mom".

Many Blessings to you,
SW

p.s. if you are not happy with your purchase, please email me right away, and I will do my best to resolve the situation. Thanks again.

Well, many women that go through IF would be offended by this note... Especially talking about a BABY! BUT me, no, I think in a toally different light when I am near or close to doing an infertility cycle.... I tend to try and absorb the positives out of this instead. Like it was meant to be that I bought from someone that had good fortune in creating a family so maybe that good fortune will be sprinkled upon DH and I. Or maybe she was sending along the good luck to us to now become pregnant too. Hmmmmm, Of course DH thinks I am completely nuts.

I dig for signs, but this was not an excavation attempt by me at all, it was a luck of the draw that this lady was able to connect with me and tell me she had good fortune and maybe now that will fall our way too?! bahahahahaha

Ok, my nutso self is going out to dinner with DH. Later.

All Alone? Just me and my embies? A Taxi Cab Ride?

Well, Dh tells me today that he thinks he won't be able to drive me to and from the FET transfer on the 10th. Well, that means I have a few choices...

First of all, of course I will be sad he can't be there..6/10/05. the moment we are PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and in that 2ww. I understand his co-workers might have seniority over him to take days off and they grabbed that date up frist.. but gosh.. this is an important moment in our lives.. this is our CONCEPTION date!!!!!!!! wow... shaking head sadly. hmmmmm

Ok, options are.... A taxi cab? Oh... that would be a fun Taxi Cab Confessions like on HBO..... LOL Oh... the cab driver asks "Maam, why are you laying down in the back seat while I drive you home?" me: " Well I am PUPO, and need to rest for that moment of implantation, there is no better place than to do that in than in the back seat of your pimped ride". Bahahaha

Second option.... My mom... my friend and I know she would not refuse, but I don't even know if her retired butt will be in town since this is kinda a late notice of her needing to be with me. LOL

Third option? Not sure, why don't you give me your thoughts on what my third option could be?