thank you so much ladies and gents... prayers are powerful

I do believe they work and that is why I ask for them, or even the + vibes for healing if you are not the praying kind. My nephew is about the same as last night and did get a good night sleep without vomiting. An Immune Disease specialist has been called in from another top ranking childrens hospital to go over "S" case. They can't seem to get a grip on what is happening and need to get some extra specialites in there to look him over soon. Glad they are being so proactive.

Meantime we go on with life. I checked on "S's" two sisters and they are ok. I offered my company at home and they were fine without it. LOL... I am only 5 minutes away so they know to call ASAP if mom is at the hospital seeing S.

oh the Home front... DH and I are proud parents to 5 baby guppies. Yes, I am back into breading guppies for enjoyable pleasure so if you want any baby guppies in about 3 weeks let me know. FREE to a good home. I won't know their genders until 3 weeks maybe a few more longer. I love helping bring things to life. Love celebrating too.

That brings me to the quiet times with the agencies, no word from either on. Lets get the party on with our profiles out there. I like seeing some action. We welcome it.

Ok, off for a few winks then to work and a funeral home for a contract worker in my department. What an amazing man. 74, sadly died of a heart attack, but was doing his love, boating on the lake with his family. So crazy. Long lived life, yet shocking he had a heartattack after being so strict on his diet and all for years.

Going to dream a good dream or two before I have to head out into that heat tomorrow. If you work in the heat, I pray for you to seek comfort of the AC once in a while.

more prayers and healing thoughts if you can spare

My nephew is not doing so hot again today. He is bouting a huge infection (peritonitis) and now has high kidney counts again (bad) and his pancreas might have an absess on it. If the ultrasound shows anything this evening, they will schedule surgery again. Poor kiddo, he has been vomiting again. They put him on zophran again and phentenol for the pain. I hope they don't have to go back and do surgery again, maybe his body can fight off the infection and get things under control. Yesterday he was in a good mood, but was just so tired. He slept 1/2 the time we were there and slept through the machines beeping when empty.

I have been saying my prayers that he can recover quickly from this. So scary. My sister might lose her job over this also because she has not been employed there long enough for FMLA. Frick. We might have to get our legs about us and get a fundraiser set up soon for them. even with 80% of my nephews medical covered, 20% is still huge to pay out of pocket and plus one full time income lost as my sister is by his side 24/7.

Lord hear our prayers.

thanks for the + thoughts and or prayers for my nephew

my nephew is in picu recovering from the surgery that removed his appendix and untwisting of his bowel. His surgery lasted around 4 hours late last night. He did not end up with a colostomy bag, thank goodness. He will remain in the picu for 3 or so more days and then will be in the hospital for another 2 weeks or so. Thank goodness that his kidneys are back to functioning better, thank goodness they untwisted his bowel without necrosis and thank goodness he is on the road to feeling better.

Thank you for the prayers and + thoughts for him. He is a strong 12 year old and has given his fair share of trouble, but deserves to recover from this 100%.

I plan on going up to see him once he is out of the picu as only immediate family is allowed in the picu. I plan on making him a card and taking it up with me after he is out of the picu.

prayers or + thoughts, if you don't mind, please

my 12 yr old nephew is in surgery right now. He had is appendix removed and now they are working on his twisted and blocked bowel. Gosh, so scary. He will be in surgery for another 2 hours or so. I pray he comes out of surgery ok. He will most likely have a colostomy bag for a few weeks so he can have rested healed bowels after surgery. Poor thing was vomiting since wednesday of last week, admitted to st. johns last friday and moved to Cardinal Glennon hospital PICU last friday afternoon. He went through a bunch of tests, mri's, cat scans, cultures etc. At first they thought he had e coli protein born, but he kept vomiting with no trace of it quitting. His mom is at his side 24/7. She just started a new job and might be released because of this. Looks like my bil (step-dad) to my nephew will try and get a fund raiser together to help pay for the bills while my sister is out on leave without pay or even if she gets fired. Ugh.

Please send healing vibes for my nephew and some healing prayers too. It brings me to tears thinking of how sick he is and how bad this could have turned out. We wonder if he was born with a condition to bring this on.

I'll post here again tomorrow as soon as I hear something. I will go up to the picu after work to sit with him to give his mom a break.

Good Lord above, please keep "S" safe and healing up well after his surgery tonight.

Adoption books I have read

Adopting after Infertility


Adoption is a Family Affair


Adoption without Fear

Open adoption books I am reading.....

I received both of these open adoption books last week that I ordered from amazon....

I am about 28 pages into The Open Adoption Book by Bruce M. Rappaport, ph.d. ( A guide to making adoption work for you - what to expect if you decide on open adoption - why open adoption is preferable for both parents & children - what birthmothers, adoptive parents & their children say about their open adoption experience)....... Yes, I read many books at once....

The next book I got is The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Ruskai Melina & Sharon Kaplan Roszia. A complete guide for adoptive & birth families - from making the decisions through the child's growing years....

I am about 49 pages into this book. This is the book I posted about on Sunday talking about fears in adoption and fears I had with infertility.

Thought I would share the titles to these books because several of you have asked me either on here or by email what the book's name was that I blogged about here on Sunday.

I am going to focus on the second book above for now as I am in the throws of the latest Harry Potter book.

We went into adoption knowing we would seek an open relationship with our child's birthfamily, but we are prepared to accept any level of open adoption, semi-open or even a closed adoption if that is what the birthfamily seeks. We can't wait to do those update letters and pictures and chat about how the baby is growing and our family activities if that is what the birthfamily feels comfortable with. We would like to be able to visit at least once a year in person if miles between us are not too far. Heck, flying and meeting up in person is a hope, if possible too. Sure, that might seem way too open for some perspective adoptive couples, but we are comfortable sharing how we feel about the level of openness we wish to have. Each adoption relationship is different and even if we are very open at the beginning of the relationship, that level might slow in later dates of time or even increase if the level is more a semi-open adoption plan.

If you have adopted, what is your level of openness? None? Semi-open? Fully open with a few visits in person a year with letters and pictures to fill in that time?

Stop that clicking

Oh shoot, I was suppose to be listing more stuff on ebay, but I got into the clicking of my online blog roll and it rolled into another blog into another blog and so on. I got into 10 different blogs before I had to stop myself and come back here to gather my thoughts and list at least 1 item on ebay. Bahahaha. At least the clicking into other blogs does not cost me money, only time. But that time is money as it takes away from my ebay sales. What a vicious cycle. Click

fear fear fear everyday everywhere

I am reading a book about open adoption right now and in the Understanding Open Adoption chapter (1st) it talks about "Working Through Your Fears". Fears are reality in adoption as it was going through Infertility. My fears are valid in these two different arena's. In dealing with Infertility, our fears were that we would never become pregnant, once we did and experienced our first miscarriage at 8 weeks(2nd loss of 7 pregnancies), we then entered the fear of will we ever become parents of our own biological child. The answer we know is 99% most likely not (we do have one frozen embie and remember I am without a uterus now surrogacy is unreachable financially!). Then we moved onto building our family through adoption. The fears were there from the get go. Fears of never being the ideal couple a perspective birth family would never like, fears that we would have a failed match (3 times now), fears that we would never become parents through adoption.

Yes the fears are there in every step we have gone through. Fears that are valid. Being scared if we are not a couple that is Fit to be Parents. I often ask "Why" still in adoption as I did with Infertility so that fear, although a different perspective, is present every day of our lives.

Dealing with losses of any kind is hard. Losing a parent (both of us have lost our fathers to cancer) and losing a pet that has helped us deal with our Infertility and Adoption losses, loss of friendships, and loss of control.

I guess the control issue is a greater fear of all of this. I can't control what a potential birth family does and what decisions they make. I can't control when and how we will become parents (how is less of a worry because we know we will adopt). I can't control the worries about finances as we are not RICH (and I do work 2 jobs). I can't control when we will get that match that turns into a placement that is successful. I can't control ANYTHING except how we know for sure we will become parents one day. I guess that is more HOPE than control.

I know, I am rambling, but the issue of working through our fears is an everyday task we will not give up on. We hope that each day we can control our fears long enough to be able to keep that hope alive for a call with a match turning into a placement of our first child.

Another thing we just can't let go of is the wanting of a newborn. I fear missing out on those precious newborn moments. Sure, you all that are parents might think I am crazy, but I (and DH) have always wanted to experience that bonding from day one. Yes, we know there will be sleepless nights, moments of chaos, moments of sheer fear, but we feel we deserve to be able to experience these things as if we had given birth to our first child also. I know we won't have a sweet smooth ride the first few days and weeks of our baby's night and days being mixed up, but I want to and deserve to experience these things as any other new set of parents would also. It is a want, need, desire that I did not think was a problem until I this past week with dealing with a situation for a possible match. I know, you all must think I am ungrateful, but when a woman (and man) have a desire to experience something so strong, it can't just be let go so easily.

I have a longing for something and by gosh I will seek that out to the end of my days. I won't let go, although sometimes things have to be rearranged or changed to get there, I won't stop until we have a baby in our arms.

we won't let this get us down.... for long

thank you all for your support. I would be a lost cause without it!

thanks to a very nice update email from our AGOHA's social worker today, we won't stay down (emotionally) for long. Her email told us that our profile was sent out to two different potential birthmother situations yesterday. Ahhhh, a relief that we know our agency we were working with this past 2 months is working hard to find us a match. They have been so helpful. We have been a priority once a match has failed and we are comforted knowing we have all their support too.

I know we could be like some couples I have heard of, but we won't let this get us down. See, some couples that have been through a failed match emotionally and financially choose to step away from adoption on the whole for several months. Not having their profile shown or, making an effort to seek out any potential situations themselves, but deciding to take time to recover from the loss of a match. DH and I have said we are not getting any younger so we assess the bad situations we have been through, but we pick our butts up off the ground and march forward in hopes that a match happens again soon with a much anticipated placement soon to follow. We are scared, sure, of another match that failes, but we will keep our guard up and watch for any potential signs of something going wrong. Plus our social worker does have a watchful eye out for us also to keep us protected of the sour apple situations also.

We won't give up hope.


Meantime I am home today after giving myself a bad knock on the head. In the wee hours of the morning, ambien induced sleep walking, I got up to take a drink of water and I dropped a dish towel on the floor, I bent over to pick it up and WHAM, I busted my head open on the corner of the breakfast counter top on my way back up. OUCH. I immediately went to the bathroom and found blood. I did not want to go to the hospital so I just held a cloth to my head for about 1/2 hour. OUCH. Plus DH was out cold for the night and is very hard to awaken once he is asleep.

I did not black out, but I did get dizzy and felt a little nauseated when it happened. I fell asleep later after it stopped bleeding and woke up with a monster of a headache this morning. Let me tell you I gave myself a nice goose egg knot on the right top of my head.Ohhwwiieee. OOOWWIEEEE! I stayed home because I still can't shake this headache. I did call the docs office this morning and talked to the nurse about a possible concussion, but I think I avoided giving msyelf one, just a good knock on the old noggin'. Warning, don't sleep walk on ambien. LOL it is dangerous.

failed match and (cat death mentioned)

Yes, again.

In 1.5 months times we have experienced the nightmare of 2 failed adoption matches. This SUCKS. Long story on this one I will save for another day.

Our last kitty, Gizmo, is in heaven. She was 14 years old, a great kitty companion, but sick. We had to put her down tonight.She could not hold her bladder. She meowed in pain when I would pick her up, although still purring. My heart breaks when you have to put a pet down when you know they have some sanity left of their minds, but her body was failing her.

I'm going to bed early. This day sucks

I would die for that from kellie coffey - dealing w/infertility song

Kellie Coffey really sings from the heart on this video. Tissue suggested
WOW, SOMEONE REALLY GETS IT! Thanks Kellie for singing what I could never express in the proper words.

23127

check out my ebay listing.. Robeez Rock

I listed these Frog Robeez on ebay and they have about 15 hours left. SWEET bids from heaven. LOL

for everyone to read about how some feel going through Infertility(ME!)

This was an excerpt from a fellow poster's (on another infertility support board) therapist . Yes, even with DH and I moving on with adoption as our path to become parents, I often try to explain how We feel and have felt having gone through 8 years of infertility.........

The experience of infertility plunges people into contact with the outermost reaches of their humanity. Infertility is a profound crisis that threatens identity, relationships, and continuity. It threatens one’s sense of the world, it disturbs beliefs and assumptions, and it belies safety and security. It is an emergency that uses up coping skills, and depletes resources; people start to run on empty as their chronic stress levels move into the area of trauma. Infertility can shut people down emotionally, it necessarily limits and narrows; people are functioning in “emergency mode,” a black and white vantage point that oversimplifies for the purpose of survival. This is not the best place to understand the complexities of human interactions, or the perspective of the “other;” this is a time to survive, and everything else may feel inessential, a luxury.

thanks iswari for sharing

I could go on and on about how we feel, but some of those that DO NOT go through infertility might not ever understand where we infertiles come from or how we feel emotionally and FINANCIALLY too. We could go blue in the face trying to put it into different words and expressions, but we that have gone through infertility, whether it be primary or secondary or whatever, we all feel this way as explained above.

Even with us moving our hopes into adoption, infertility still creeps into my life. I am never going to be able to carry a baby, read: hysterectomy due to severe adenomyosis of my uterus, but I still have one frozen embryo in the cryo lab and I often dream that one day we could win the lottery and afford to hire a gestational surrogate to help us with that embryo.

ok, enough for now.

beautiful Sunshine

What a nice day, hot yes, but perfect day to finally get the pool open. See, this pool of ours is 15 years old. Above ground. Rusted by the input valve on the side wall. So we had to hire a guy to put some sheet metal riveted to the side wall of the pool (can't afford to pay for a new pool this year with all the adoption costs) and finally I helped DH open the pool. It took near 24 hours to fill up the 15' round 4' deep pool. That my folks is a lot of water. We had to fix the spot that rusted or else we would have had to take the pool downIdidn't want the pool to bust open and take out the neighbors fence). We did not want a spot in our yard without a pool because our deck is built up around it. So now that the pool is fixed and filled and the new ladybug vacuum is cleaning it up, we will be able to swim in it tomorrow. DH got in it today because he had to get the vacuum set up, but he did not mind it so much since it was so hot. Nice way to cool off. (older picture above, but an idea of what the ancient pool looks like)

I have picked the first of my tomatoes. 2 so far. Nice beefsteak tomatoes. I have another ready to pick later this week and the grape tomatoes are getting bigger, yet a few weeks away from picking. My cucumbers are around the size 2" long. I can't wait to pick them. No green peppers. Looks like I won't have any. I had buds, but now no green peppers growing. Dang. I was looking forward to those. Plus DH is on a beef pepper steak kick and there is nothing better than home picked green peppers. Been a few years since I was able to produce any and looks like this year is going to be the same. Shoot.

The puppies were having fun tonight in the backyard. I had the hose fresh out of the pool and was watering the tomato plants and cucumber plants and sadie the pup was insisting on interfering by snapping at the water flow out of the house. She is a total water dog. I can't wait to get her in the river when we go camping again soon. Last time we went the river was too cold for me to get in with her, but she dove in and even layed down in the water. Now with it as hot as it is, I will slap on some good sunscreen and get in the river with her. Hannah and Lindsey are both water dogs too, but don't have as much fun playing like Sadie does. Ha. I plan on setting up my umbrella, water chair and filling up my glass with some margarita and watching the dumparse drunks float down the river. Yes it is a blast to do that.

she is still here on earth.......... kitty update

our kitty, gizmo, is still hanging in there. We opted to see the vet and have her evaluated for further issues such as thyroid and kidney functions, etc.. the vet said he felt she is still living a quality life and that we can evaluate her for the next few days and weeks to see if maybe she is harboring an infection that might be causing her bladder control. So we decided to hang in there and see how she does.

Bless our kitty.

Thanks for your support.

I am heading to bed. I am just exhausted from all this. Bless my DH for hanging in there with me too

not sure if we will be saying "failed match" again

but I am preparing for it to happen that way. We will wait until next week to make a final decision, but it is not looking 100% positive it will stay a match.

lost for words.

Also, my just over 14 year old kitty will be in heaven this time tomorrow night. She has lost control of her bladder and had an accident on the couch in front of DH and I tonight. She is diabetic, lost over 1/2 the control in her back legs and is about 12 lbs lighter than she was a year ago. Mind you she was 8 lbs total weight back a few months ago and if she weighs 6 lbs today that would be an overestimate on my part I bet.

Going to sleep. Just in a stinky mood.

Dee doo doo doo, dee da da da, oh his butt is so cute

(yes, Sting's butt, OMG... that man is in fantastic shape!)

The Police

They Rocked!

Well worth the wait

Well worth it all

I remember spending my hard earned babysitting money back in the 80's at Peaches record store on hampton to buy Syncronicity. I then bought all the albums .. Yes folks. ALBUMS, not cd's or mp3's!!!


Oh the love I had for this band, yet my DH is even deeper of a fan. We saw Sting at Riverport (yes, when it was called Riverport) back in the early 90's and he rocked then too. I am so glad that The Police got back together. Sigh!

What's in a name?

we have discussed baby names for as long as I can remember us trying to conceive. With that said, we both agreed that we like these names:

Girl: Julia Grace

Boy: Brendan James

BUT, over time we have come to realize that with adoption we need to be open about names.

A couple of things could happen. The birthmother could name the baby something she wants. If that happens where would our name choice stand? Would we change it on the birth certificate when we have the court finalization? Or would we accept what the birthmother chose? It would depend on how open we are with the birthmother and we would need to convey to her that we have always loved the name listed above.

BUT what if the birthmother would want to help choose a name for the baby? Would we agree to agree on naming of the first name or second name or both?


I have DH looking at baby name on web sites tonight. Bahahahaha... I am not totally set on the names listed above for a boy or girl, yet I still like them both per gender.

I will try and list our top 5 names later that we come up with.

dreams

I tend to have vivid dreams. Dreams that provoked me to write them down in my journal when I was a teen because I just couldn't believe the details I would remember and that I did dream in color. I have not journaled about my dreams in years, but I wanted to jot this one down. I know I won't give all details, but just wanted to put some of it down on "paper" to one day go back and read.

It all started out with our s/w, myself and our pbirthmother meeting at a local italian restaurant. We were all dressed casually, shorts and loose fitting shirts so it must have been hot outside. We sat at a table that seemed to be the only one in the room, yet there were waiters and other patrons walking around inside. We all had pads of paper to write down details of our "getting to know each other" meet-up. We chatted for a good hour, yet I can't remember what details were mentioned, questions specifically asked, but rather we were all smiling and laughing through our whole conversation. We shared hugs at the end and waved at each other on the way out of the establishment. I remember feeling elation, It was almost like I had a smile physically planted on my face while dreaming.

I do believe this dream was provoked in the good nature that we hope to meet our pbirthmother this coming week or in a few weeks in person. I am saying a prayer each day that we all will meet in a casual setting, have fun and laugh. Again, I will refrain from talking about our pbirhtmother until I know if she is ok with me blogging or not.

Nervous, yet intrigued.

Books and more books

Since the last Harry Potter book does not come out for a few more weeks (I CAN'T WAIT), I ordered two books from Amazon the other day. Two books about open adoption. No, not your typical read, but knowing that we are matched with a birthmother (and yes, that is the correct term I will use until further notice, not expectant mother) I wanted to read up on the different levels of open adoption.

I have read one book about a year back, but these are the two books I bought and should be delivered in the next few days:

The Open Adoption Book by Bruce Rappaport
and
Open Adoption Experience: Complete guide for Adoptive and birthfamilies - For Making the decisionThrough the childs growing years: Roszia & Molina

I have browsed through one of the books at the local IF support group library, but I decided to get one for myself. Then maybe I can pass it onto anyone that might need it at the support group for adoption.

Ok, off to go sleep for another 45 minutes or so. The dogs woke me up to feed them. Arrgghhh.

Highway 40.........

Great blog... check out this post and video. I drive past 40 and I-170 each morning and evening and see nearly the same things happening there as is Tamm ave.

http://tinyurl.com/38e5a2

Music to my ears...............

The word MATCHED sung in a sweet melody lightly, sweetly and welcoming. It was sung last night through the phone from our social worker. We have been blessed by a birthmother and she has told our s/w - agency that she has selected our profile and us as a couple to make an adoption plan with. Sing it, soft and sweetly, into my ears. A melody that will hopefully bring us closer to reality of becoming the parents we have always dreamed of from the day we got married (well even before that, but you know).

I need to ask how comfortable the birthmother is with me blogging before I go into any details small or any size! I do not want to jeopardize our relationship that we are starting to build. And honestly, some details are for just us to share. Sorry, but that is possible in some birthfamily to adoptive family relationships. I have to respect her feelings and wishes with the most respect. So if details may seen sketchy, so be it will.

Meantime We can say we are matched and we can't wait to get to know a little more about her and her baby she is carrying. Due date is late September!

Blessings are to be had and We sure pray and hope that we are blessed with them abundantly soon. The Good Lord above works in mysterious ways and I think he has heard some of the hefty prayers we were saying on the way back from our failed match in CO this past month. I have to give praise to Him and I have to give my thanks to another person "C" (we will call her for now) for even thinking of mentioning our names to the friend of the friend that knows the birthmother situation.

My Irish Blessing is rolling over and over in my head:
May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours!


and another classic:
An Old Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Look who I get to meet today

baby Liam http://adoptbabym.blogspot.com/

YEAH.. This gives me hope to not give up on the adoption wait. 15 months into the wait and I hope we can have a playmate for Liam soon.

Gotta go wrap his present and get dressed. Ahhh, this is an outside reception for the baby so I will be sweating up a storm.

edited to add, this was not an outside reception and it was in a very very nice club house of sorts. It was so fun to see several of our friends from the IF support group days and all of them had either babies from treatments or adoption or one on the way! WOOOHOOO! We are almost there, by gosh we are next. We gotta be!

angels from heaven

Two years ago today is the sad anniversary of our miscarriage of our last ever pregnancy. We had done a fresh IVF cycle with SIRM St. Louis and we transferred back 3 nice embryo's and after the 2 week wait we had a + beta hcg pregnancy test. We made it to 6 weeks 1 day in the pregnancy and sadly while at dinner at TGIF in S. County, I started bleeding. We went home and within 4 hours I labored and delivered the fetal sac in tact. I tried to save the tissue for chromosomal testing, but the sac had ruptured by time I took it to the doc's office that Monday(I mc'd at home on a saturday night about 1 am. ). The lab tried to do testing on the tissue, but to no avail. We were ok with that knowing it was 99% my body that just could not handle being pregnant. My uterus was infected with adenomyosis so badly that any fetal tissue that implanted in my uterus was expelled through a miscarriage. And NO, I WON'T call it a missed ab*rtion. I REFUSE to use that 'Effing term.

That night of the miscarriage I told DH that I was done. Physically and emotionally done with ever trying to do IVF again and carry a baby. We would either need to consider surrogacy with our one frozen embryo or start our plans to adopt. We knew in our hearts that we wanted to be parents all along no matter how we achieve that goal and at that time and now we know adoption is our dream to become a reality. Sure, I still have that ache in my heart when I see a pregnant women. No, I am not mad at her, but just sad at the fact that my body could not carry a baby to viability. After 9 Angels in heaven we were sure we knew what path we would become parents through.

Fingers crossed our profile sent out to the agency yesterday brings us an adoption match soon. :)

10 copies out

Mailed off 10 portfolios/profiles today to agency #3. This is 1/2 of them that we have.

We now cross all fingers and toes to hope that we have a call soon saying we are matched. I know the wait can seem like an eternity, but overall we have been very calm with waiting. Going into the waiting period last year after our homestudy was done for domestic adoption, we were told to be prepared to wait between 18-24 months for a match and placement. So this month we are 15 months into the wait from our first homestudy approval. We remain calm. We have had 2 matches and both of those have failed to move forward to a placement, but we are calm knowing that eventually we will have a match that flurishes into a placement and that will fill our hearts with love and our baby in arms forever. Or at least until they are 18 and rebel against us and move out (this was most of my family when growing up.). LOL

I am on the hunt for a new book to read. I am going to go to tapestry books and look over the list of books there for adoption. I want to read into open adoption again. I also want to read more into biracial and trans-racial so I will get my paypal account ready and hit that shopping cart checkout with a few good reads.

DH comes through again

You know, when friend owe friend favors? Well, Dh collected on a favor. He was able to get our profile copied and turned into 20 portfolios. They are not a spiral bound, but the next most popular binding... you see it often in presentations at offices. I can't think of the name of the binding, but it looks really nice. A clear report type cover with our 10 pages of our profile and then a harder black back page all bound in this black binding. Oh heck, what is that binding style called? http://www.coastalbusiness.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=393
Yeah.. those things. LOL

Now tomorrow I will mail out 10 of them for now to the agency. Maybe, just maybe we won't need to send more. :)

Ahhhh, it feels good to be done with this. Thanks goes to DH for all his hard work.

EMAIL ME if you want to see the copy of the profile cover page ... I can't put them up here.

Looking past the nervousness

For some odd reason when we were only one hour away from meeting the birthmother & birthfather in CO, I was not nervous externally. I was focused on what we looked like and how we would present ourselves and not so much the aspect of what it would feel like to shake their hands and sit down and talk with them. I would not allow myself to think of questions before we were in the room. I kept being thankful that DH was with me and was being that rock I needed him to be through ever step of the way, yet I knew he was in some way or another nervous too about meeting the birth parents also in his own way, but yet as my rock he did not show it externally to me that he was nervous in an sort of the way. He stood up and was right there by my side. I focused on what he was possibly thinking and was it something about the social worker , to ask her questions, or was he thinking about what questions we would ask the bp's, I don't know. I do know he hugged me tight when we got out of the hospital door and held me up from falling to the ground wretched in sobbing cries. He is my Rock. I need to tell him that more often.

Hug your husband today. Although he might not express it in the best way verbally, he is expressing it physially or some way or another internally.

I can't wait to see him hold our first child in his arms and see him physially sob with joy.
I know I will be. I will most likely get blurry camera pictures because of my sobs, but hey, it will be a picture perfect moment.

Getting ready to find a printer service to print

this new adoption portfolio that DH worked so hard on this past weekend. Poor thing, I think I broke his back doing it too. I cracked my whip over his back so much that he was hurting bad. hehe. He is ok and did such a great job on the 11 pages that agency #3 AGOHA likes it. Thanks to the s/w, we were able to make some edits and we feel we have a final product ready now. Kinko's could not print our page 10 last night for some reason. I went there to do a basic pilot print run to make sure the colors printed the way we wanted them to. So DH is going to try and stop after work and do this test print also. Then we are going to find a printing service to laminate and spiral bound the pages together in 10 different portfolios. I really hope this brings us one step closer to getting that match and placement.

Wanna see the cover?

gotta figure out this ping thing

I wanted to ping for my twgoots blogspot blog, but that did not work. oops. So go check out my twogoots ebay sales blog (under my profile).

LOL Cross selling again. Oh Yeah.

what a kawinkidink

oh. here are a few pictures from the Race Day events. The first picture is of my friend Kathy, myself in the bunny ears and hat, Susan, and the guest of Honor In Celebration, NatalieT
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nataliet

This is the team picture for Trottiers Trotters!

What a great Walk it was. Here is another that shows the sea of shirt heading downhill going West on Olive. Amazing to see so many shirts. I missed seeing the funny hats this year though. But we did see many Pink shirts for survivors and many signs in memory of others that lost their battles. Bless them, one and all.

a friend, Kathy from the old IF support group days, went walking with myself and another friend at the Komen Race on Saturday for Trottiers Trotters Team. We were talking on the drive downtown and she was laughing that her jury service had been postponed. I said, "No way, Federal Jury Service?". She said, "Yes!".....Me, "OMG, I was summonsed and also got a deferred date!". OMG.. We were Laughing our arses off. We were both summonsed for Federal Jury service on the same day, same courts, etc... How crazy is that? We chat by email all the time and we never mentioned to each other that we had Federal Jury Service coming up . We discussed our "deferment" by the courts this Monday (as you call in the Friday b4 to confirm your service) and found out that I am deferred to the 25th, but she was deferred to the 21st. So she has to call in the night of the 20th to find out if they are calling her in or if they are again deferring her service. I get to call in after 5 pm on the 22nd to find out if I will have to report in on the 25th or am deferred again or not.

How funny it was to know I chat with Kathy everyday and we never mentioned this to each other. She lives way west.. I mean vineyard country west. LOL It would be so cool if we both get called in on the 25th and serve on the same jury. We will see. I'll keep you posted.

Ebay sales went ok today. Only 5 of my 21 items sold, but I did have a few "off ebay" sales that actually made more money. I am glad I linked my attached (see my profile) blog on blogger to promote. I am going to add a bunch more pictures of patterns of bottle holders I have yet listed on Ebay. Maybe I can gain sales off ebay and start to gain lots more through the blog sales site. hehe. I need to learn some more html for my ebay sales for better linkage to show other patterns without having my fees eaten up by seller listing fees, sold fees and then paypal fees. Sure, I know it is a service they offer and they should make money off me, but I don't sell a high priced item so it is hard to be able to make a profit to help pay for our adoption costs like that.
Ok, off my soapbox now.

Please do go check out my other sales blog.

DH worked so hard on creating our newest agency's picture profile for us. He finished it up today. It is 11 pages long from cover to back. Now we have sent it off the the agency for their viewing and suggestions of changes if any are needed. I am proud of DH, he went full head into the project and worked on it Friday Saturday and Sunday long. Sure, there were a few words we exchanged on thing we might not have agreed on with style or color, but it quickly worked itself out without much kink in the rolling out of each page. Now we just need to find out what we should change per the agency's suggestions and then find out how we can laminate or sheet protect them with a spiral bound setting so the pages lay flat for when the pbm looks at the profile and the pages are not all turning over on themselves while she is trying to read it. Great suggestions Elizabeth!

ok, off to bed to go to work since I don't have jury service just yet.

Ahhhh, spells relief

Did I mention to you that our newest agency's social worker(s/w) was wonderful? She came in, greeted the barking doggies (I bet her doggie thinks she cheated by meeting our doggies), then sat down with us for a good while to go over what they would like to see in our profile. Or at least suggested a few things. DH and I have our work cut out for us, but we plan on finishing this profile in a few days time. I was told by the s/w to email her the pages as we get them done so she can help us if we need to define anything or change settings, etc.... FUN. I think DH might like this scrapbooking program as much as I will.

I just wish it would rain already. My bones ache. I had the youngest dog ran into my side knee the other day on her way out of the house to go into the backyard and that hit made my knee cap pop out of place and then it popped back in, but I am hurting big time now in my knee. I think she might have strained something in there or pulled a ligament. If it does not get better by early next week, I will call the doc to get in. I have never been to a specialist about my knees (sounds like rocks jiggling behind my knee caps), but this has provoked me to pay closer attention and call for help soon. Heck, what good would I be if I have a bad bum knee when holding a baby? :)

Ok, Jury service has been deferred(as they put it). I had to call tonight to a special 866 toll free number to put in my juror number and it would tell me if I would have to report downtown to the Federal courts building this coming Monday or later. I called and it said "Your jury service has been deferred to 6/25/07 at 8:15 am. BUT I have to call on 6/22/07 to confirm that I still have to report. I also have to call them to see if this changes my reporting dates from 6/18/07 - 6/29/07 to 6/25/07-7/6/07?!? It is for a two week on call term on the original letter, but I am not sure if this drags it out one more week. Hummmm. Good question. I guess Monday I will call the local courts number and ask them if it will be a full 2 weeks on call again.

Ok, back to working on the profile.

Page one has a background. DH is working on scanning some items for a theme.

butterflies turning huge flips

yes, I am dealing with a butterfly stomach right now. The social worker is on her way and I am so nervous for some reason. We are going to go over what they recommend our our picture profile and dbm letter. I can't wait to get busy on this.

I wonder if I can take my laptop to the jury service on Monday. If I need to work on our picture profile, I can do that from my laptop. Hummmm, I will call down to the info line tomorrow and ask if I can bring it. I don't mind carrying the bag around with it as it is not too heavy.

Ok. dog barking.. looks like the sw is here

thanks!

wow! thanks for the sales!

ebay listings again

Yes, my self-promotion is on. I have to make up some of the over 1400.00 in costs we lost on this last failed match.

Check out my twogoots blog for ebay... click in that blog to get to ebay!

Thanks!

Hey, I just looked and I already have one sale. YEAH!

Cheers to a great, busy week for us all.

Scrapbooking software is installed on the pc and now I need to work on building our new picture profile for the #3 agency. (#1 - Adoption Haven, #2 - Action4adoptions, #3 - A Gift of Hope Adoptions).

failed matches suck a big donkey kong.

DH and I just spent the last 4 days packing then traveling with our 3 doggies (yes they go everywhere with us on the road) and our camper to Colorado Springs CO for a match with a pbm that was being induced on Tuesday.

Needless to say, without going to much detail, we got up there and met the pbm and pbf(father) of the baby that had just been born Tuesday around 5:30 pm, but found out yesterday that the pbm did go home with the baby instead of making an adoption plan with DH and I.

Our hearts are broken, but we will not stop our dreams of becoming mom and dad!

I will grieve this loss and failed match, but I will keep my hopes up that our new agency will be able to match us quickly with a less risky situation.

What a whirlwind trip, nearly 1900 miles, nearly 2000 in travel expenses and nearly broken hearts is what it was all about.

One good thing that came out of this is that we never did meet the baby boy. Thank goodness because I know my heart would have been broken into pieces even more had we met him.

Ok, off to sleep so we can drive the rest of the way home from Lawrenece KS tonight (staying at a KOA).

We will become parents, I have faith in this.

Let the War begin

Jokesters that we are, DH and I, today he was teasing me about something as he got into the shower. So I preceeded to go potty and got up and he did it again so I politely as I could FLUSHED THE TOILET. My friends WAR HAS BEEN DECLARED. He said, "Oh paybacks are fun you just wait".

Baahahahahaha! Bring it on baby.

baby oh baby. yes. bring it on.


On a more serious note.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=demRHgul2Zk


I gotta figure out how to post a YouTube video directly here. But for now, go to that link above.

clean clean clean

ahhh, a clean house is rewarding.

The newest adoption agency we are with is having the social worker come over Tuesday evening to go over our profile to revamp our dbm letter and our picture profile. I hope the house is presentable and smelling oh so good with my favorite candles!

html and school

Man, I bought an html book recently(whopping .25 cents!) and wish I had time to read it so I could figure out how to do my own web page programming/building. I will work on it one day. I like this blog, but maybe one day I can start my own after I buy a domain. hmmm. Meantime I will let blogger host me! No offense blogger, but I need a peppy web page!

This puts a bug in me to sign up this fall for my html class I need to take. No tuition reimbursement from work, but I need to do this for me. I need to keep my classes up. I want to strive for myself!

DH is taking a class this summer and then another one this fall so this puts the bug in me to keep my schooling up also.

This keeps me busy. I need to research to see if there is a second 1 credit hour course I can take that will help further my credits towards my associates.

I can tell you that I still regret not going to college right after high school or even a few years after that when I could have afforded it, but I am glad I have the bug these past few years to keep going with my education. I have much better study habits now and I love seeing how I can conquer a challenge in class.

Thanks for the buyers

I did ok on ebay this week. I was shooting for 1/2 of my items to sell, but I did not make that personal quota, but... but ... check this out(click the link to the ebay listing below)............

My Quacker Factory sweater did fabulous! WOW!

Several other items sold and put a few good bucks into our adoption funds. Hey, $83.46 in one week is a huge stack of coins and dollars to chip away at that number we just paid out to the agency. I am on the hunt now for these quacker factory sweaters now that I know I was able to sell the two in the last few weeks. I love digging through my closet to find an item that is a treasure to someone else and so I can clean it out of my house. Yard sales are a good place to start to fine more of these sweaters. Now that I know what I have is a seller, I can keep an eye out for them at sales to snag and list. I love the sweaters myself, but I don't wear them that often due to always being too hot. Lordy knows the sweltering summer weather is hear already. (fanning myself with a thick piece of paper today was my saver).

Going shopping tomorrow with my niece (soon to be 14) at the local mall. No, I won't spend my hard earned ebay money tomorrow. I promise. I am only taking her so she can go buy a few things with her $ left over from confirmation. FUN. I can't wait to see the clothes she wants to buy(but little does she know her mom has told me WHAT NOT TO BUY as some things are not allowed in their house like short short mini skirts, etc.). My niece is a bean poll so I expect she will want to buy a few little skirts and a few tops. I can't wait to spend some time with her.

No news on the adoption front. ... no, wait.... we are working on meeting up with the new agency's social worker to work on our dbm letter and picture profile for their agency. Each agency has their own suggestions as to what to put in the letter and what pictures to use and how many to use and how to arrange them. I overnighted a copy of the profile folder (letter/pic profile combined) to the agency owner for him to put his suggestions in, then he will forward it to the social worker here for her to share with us on what to change. FUN. So meantime I have bought a scrapbooking software my friend suggested to use and I plan on using that next week to build a new profile to the agency's liking. I don't mind doing this because working with our photos and scanning the older photos is fun. We got to think back to what and when and where that picture was taken.

Congrats to the new mamma, a friend I met a few years back that went to the IF support group I attended too. Blessing to the new family! I can't wait to do this too. I can't wait for our hearts to grow with a new love.

I can say it now... TGIF

Have you had one?

Having grown up in the South of my fair City, we had many a fun times during our Porch Parties.

Have you ever had a porch party?

Around 6:30 pm on many a summer evenings, as the sun was just slipping behind the acorn tree and down past the steeple of St. Margaret's Church on 39th street and Flad, all the neighbors seemed to migrate to our front porch.

It was a porch that was about 20 feet across the left front of our 3 story old house, wide enough for one to sit comfortably in a woven nylon lawn chair and prop your feet up on the limestone bench rail. About 6 steps pitching north off of the top tiled (like your bathroom floor in an old house) step. Then a flat slab of concrete 10 feet sloping away from the house from there with another 3 steps to the city owned sidewalk just before a grass easement to the again city owned poorly paved street that was one way heading due East. The rail from the front steps to the city owned sidewalk was one piece steel 3" round pipe. Perfect for the youngster that I was to do my single Even bar gymnastic routine each night.

The evenings persisted of straggling neighbors bringing their lawn chairs sitting in our grass around the said steps popping their aluminum tabbed top beverage cans, slipping them into a can cooler (koozie). Sitting and letting out a big sigh that the weekend was finally here and well deserved.

Plotting would go on. Float trips planned, 30th, 40th b-day party scenarios played out, kid war stories swapped (now mind you I was the youngster so I was always jokingly told to put my fingers in my ears and hummmm so I would not hear the war stories), bbq's planned and veggies shared.

It was so much fun. I miss those days. I miss the families in my old neighborhood.

Finding a cure for Breast Cancer

Today I set out a list for sign up names at my work and also put out Company matching contribution forms to collect donations for the Race for the Cure here in St. Louis. It is a huge drive to fund money that partially stays here in St. Louis for the researchers and to help those directly touched by this nasty evil Cancer.

Natalie's work is putting together a team and several of Natalie's friends from the old Resolve days are joining in too. The walk is Saturday June 16th downtown St. Louis. I am going to try and meet a few of my friends at the metrolink stop and ride the metro downtown. Much easier on parking. So we will get Race for the Cure shirts and also Catalina Marketing shirts too. FUN. I am so excited to go and support so much women (and a few men) that have had breastcancer. To Celebrate the living and to remember the lost. Sad to say I know more than I want that I have lost to breastcancer. Lets find a cure!

If you would like to make a donation, feel free to contact Komen, Race for the cure. online.

Cheers to a nice weather day, Fun walk and Lots of pictures to show the Celebration of life in the ladies in pink.

GOLDEN DROPS OF MILK

I decided to start the protocol for adoptive breastfeeding again, but just a little different this time around. I did not do any bcp's in prep for this protocol. I would have needed 3 months minimum, but decided that since I produced near 10=12oz a day from July to November on the Domperidone, I can do the dom to prep myself again instead of doing bcp'S AND dom 3 months then dropping the bcp's. Pumping and doing Dom for weeks and weeks 8=10 times a day on pumping. I also hand express into a bottle during working hours.

So today is day 3 of the domperidone and the fenugreek tablets. I have managed to pump 6 times today and got GOLD SWEET GOLD DROPS of MILK at all sessions. Nothing to collect, but I have a feeling I will be there soon. I need to put all my supplies together incase we get a call to travel out of town. Nice.

Oh. one side effect of this pumping and domperidone? Ummmm, Blush.... It make me frisky for dh. hE LIKE THAT.

PERKS CAN BE FOR ME, BABY AND DADDY. lol. No match with a baby yet, but we are still staying hopeful and looking forward as we know it can happen to anyone so quidkly.

Gotta go to sleep. Gotta.

congrats again to baby L , who is being adopted by c and B. YEAH. My baby lust has gotten to me and I need to see him when they get settled in also so I can bring them a gift for baby l.

Gotta add this link to the videos of proper breastfeeding. There is one at the bottom that gives you details on how to use supplemental nursing by tube for adoptive breastfeeding. YEAH!
WARNING//// DO NOT OPEN THESE IN A PUBLIC PLACE// OR WHILE AT WORK. //Some might take offense to the graphic nature of the natural breast at work to feed her child.

http://www.asklenore.info/breastfeeding/additional_reading/movies.html

Fortune Cookie

We had Chinese dinner the other night and we got our fortune cookies along with the meal. We ate at home, but I never did open my cookie.

I have a superstition. Even though the cookie was stale (today), I insist I eat a part of it before I can read the fortune. So today while prepping some corn on the cob for bbq dinner with DH at home, I bit a piece of the cookie off and chewed. Yes, Chewed. Nice and stale. I had to do this. Just something I can't open and read first without a bite of that cookie. Yum. No, I did not eat the whole thing. I am not that superstitious. Ha

My Fortune read:

NOTHING CAN KEEP YOU FROM REACHING YOUR GOALS. DO IT!

Ahhh, I love this one. Sure, I could say my life will never be the same after reading one of these fortunes, but I don't base my life on them. I simply read them and say "Hey, that could be me". Then I save the fortune and date it on the back to go back and read it a few months later. I compare life to today to see if anything I had in mind for goal orientation has been reached. So I will let you know in a few months time if my goals are reached.

Goals:

1) clean the house on schedule (once a week). (we do sweep often due to doggies but not dust like we should)
2) work on setting up my sewing/craft room downstairs so that I can keep the door open and not be embarrassed to let anyone see that room.
3) Lose some much needed poundage (10 lbs is my goal by Summer end).
4) organize the clothes in the nursery.
5) make 400 bucks on ebay by end of July. (better get cracking on that one).
6) get a potential match with a birthmother through one of 3 adoption agencies we are with.
7) reorganize my files at work at my desk


Not too bad of a list. I know some are very very possible to accomplish.

Oh, and I want to see a few friends that are adopting to be successful in bringing their children home soon.

Do you set goals for yourself like this? If so, do you try and put a simple time frame on them or are you strict to keep them to a 30 day time line or 60 day etc?

Forbidden fruit (well, shrimp at least)

Last night DH and I headed to Longhorn Steakhouse to enjoy my gift card from work for my Professional Administrative Day. Ha. 60 bucks to splurge with. We both got a great appetizer. Then we ordered steaks and potatoes, but I added in Shrimp Scampi. See, I have not had shrimp in ages and the last time I had it I broke out in hives. So I temped fate and tried them again thinking they were cooked well and in a different saute sauce (not the typical peel and each shrimp at a party with cocktail sauce). I took a benedryl before to avoid hives, but that did not help. I was in hives in a matter of 10 minutes of eating 3 of those delicious shrimp. OMG they were so good, but I had to stop at 3 because I could feel the hives coming out on my hands and in my hair on my scalp. FUCK. This means I can't ever eat shrimp again. I love me some shrimp too :(

I am glad I took a benedryl. Or else I would have ended up in the ER for a shot or two like I have in the past from other food allergies along with a few drug allergies. I hate it. I hate that I have to be so careful to not eat certain foods and to make sure all my fruits and veggies are washed well before consuming.

Both my sister and my girlfriend have insisted I call the doc to get some EPI pins to carry with me in case I have a bad anafalactic shock one day from my allergies. My sister is highly , wait, VERY HIGHLY allergic to bee stings and has had two bad sting episodes of hives and shock set in before she reached the ER. Thank goodness for the EPI pins to slow the reactions down or else something very sad could have happened to her. I don't want to be like that so I better crack down and get some Epi pins from the PCP.

Anyone have allergic reactions to unwashed fruits, veggies, pistachio nuts, shell fish? Why are the great things in life so yummy, yet so harmful?

About 9 years ago I had bought some plums to eat. I was busy at work and grabbed one to chomp on without having really washed it, just rubbed it clean (so I thought) from fingers and dirt visibly showing on the skin. Well, in 2 hours time I was body head to toe with hives and having to take a bath in aveeno with lots of prednisone in me from a called in Rx from my PCP. He said to come in the ER If it did not get better, but the Pred. did the trick. Now Benedryl works as well as long as it is in tablet shape and I can crack it in half to help it absorb quickly. It is a crazy feeling, hives popping up on the skin and lips then on the tongue and in the back of the throat. When I had another reaction to some Sulfate for my bladder infection I had and combined with guaifenesin for a sinus infection, I ended up in the ER with my throat closing off from the hives. That was scary. I had 3 epi shots in the ER and 2 benedryl shots to calm the hives down. So no more non-washed plums and no more SULFATES EVER.

Did you realize that one of the main ingredients in your shampoo for your beautiful hair is SULFATE. Yes, Sodium Lauryl Sulfate. Go look. Well for years I could not figure out why I always had small tiny blisters on my head . Guess what, I am allergic to Sulfates. Had I not had that reaction to the sulfate for my bladder infection, I would have never known why my tiny blisters on my head were happening all the time. Well, I promptly switched to Sulfate Free Shampoo (ouch, expensive) and in two days my head cleared up and I was not itching all the time. Amazing what things you can be so sensitive to in this world of ours.

Thank goodness for benedryl, Epinephrin and Prednisone.

Ahhhh, I feel better today after an early exit to bed due to some benedryl.

I did enjoy dinner! Thanks to that gift card. Yummy.

ebay sales in action again

Yes, I am self promoting because I sure need to find a way to help pay for that check I just sent the new agency. Ha.

Come peek at my Ebay items.

Lots of baby bottle holders (more to be listed soon).
Cute 1x Sweater (thanks mae for making me dig out my sweater, I forgot I had this qf sweater)
Some charms from my old TOPS of Missour Group.
and more things to be added soon.

My thoughts are that I don't want to go get a second job so I will try and list the things in my house that I need to clear out for when we do eventually have a baby here so s/he can have all the space they need.

I am working on sending the social worker at new agency a copy of our profile so we can work on one for them. Shoot, I need to get that email out to her with the attachments.

Does anyone know how to convert .sig files into a .pdf file? I have my profile pages (pictures) in Print Shop, but I don't know how to convert them over to .pdf files to allow other to edit them if they don't have Print Shop. Really, I am willing to pay a gentle fee for anyone that can help me do this. Email me if you can help out.

Ok, off to keep listing things on Ebay.

Cheers to a wonderful weekend. If anything comes up with any of the 3 agencies we are with, I will post soon!

the check is in the mail

Actually the check(4700.00) and contract with the agency has been received by them. I checked DHL today and confirmed it was signed for. Left St. L at 8:40 last night and reached Columbia MO today at 9:00.

Now that the hard part of writing that check out to the new agency I can let my high end nerves come down. I hope we hear from the agency soon, but then again it means my high end nerves will be back up to top level and I will be on the busy path of updating our DBM letter and picture profile. FUN!

Speaking of picture profiles, a friend recommended a scrapbooking software to use. I think I will stop tomorrow night and get it from Sams. Anyone use a scrapbooking program b4? I have not and am curious how well it will go. I don't have the criteria from he agency yet on what to do with our picture profile so I hope we hear soon so I can make sure I have a fun weekend of working on the software and scanning more pictures.

I also heard from this friend that the DBM letter will be 1/4 of what we currently have, which is 2.5 pages long. Wow, short and sweet and to the point. It will be interesting to see what they revise on ours. Hard to tell our story in only a few paragraphs, but I know it can be done.

Ok, off to go watch my niece graduate from grade school. Oh that brings back memories. As a matter of fact, I wonder what happened to my grade school graduation pictures. I really want to see what I looked like back then. ahahahahaha

Adding avenues to our path of adoption

First of all, let me start by saying I love our social worker/agency owner(sw/ao). She is so helpful and understanding and has such positive things to say. I can't wait to call her or have her call me with a match and placement!

That leads me into saying that we have decided to broaden our search for an adoption match/placement by way of signing with another agency. I am mailing the packet off tomorrow. Our sw/ao totally encourages this. DH left her a message today to let her know that we are going to sign with another agency this week and she called back and left us a message to tell us she is 100% supportive of our decision and asked us to keep her posted if something comes up by any avenue through an agency or independent situation.

This keeps us active with her, an agency in KS and another agency in MO. I am excited to know that we have this many options available to us. I know some other agencies across the country discourage you to be with more than them as your agency and even make you sign that in the contract. Our number one goal is to adopt and become parents, thus we need to be able to have options available to us and thankfully we do. We can choose this and we did.

I am excited about this because we have pondered this option for a few months now. The one that that was holding us back was putting up a considerable amount of funds with another agency. This sum of money is non-refundable with each agency, but it is a stake in our future to become parents so it it so worth it. If by chance we are matched and adopt through any of the agencies, all we need to do is call the others and they will put our contract on hold for our second child. YEAH! I love that possibility.

Ok, gotta get the butt in gear for selling on ebay again, having a yard sale or two (looking for donations if anyone is interested in cleaning house) and babysitting as much as possible (email me if you know of anyone that is looking for a sitter).

Speaking of babysitting, I am watching D & B Wednesday evening. I am excited to see them again. Their mom called me to sit tonight, but called back to change nights to Wed. night. Cool! I am excited to sit for them again since the sun will still be up and we can go outside and play. I missed doing that over the winter because I would usually get there after work and it would be dark out already. I know D loves to play ball and search for bugs under rocks and B is right by his side the whole time. I love it. I gotta remember to take some shorts to change into so I can run around with them outside before it does get dark. I need to print off some pages off of the internet to color. They love power rangers and superheros to color too. Oh and dinosaurs. Can't wait.

Ok, off to do some much needed laundry and then go plant the rest of my veggie garden and plants on the porch. Oh shoot, I forgot to get another bag of potting soil. Dang it.

We are hosting a bbq for DH's immediate family this coming Sunday. Shame we can't have the pool open. The poor pool is too dangerous to open it because part of the side is rusting out. The thing is near 16 years old so I can't blame it for giving out. BUT we don't have the cash to buy a new pool right now, especially with signing with agency #3. :) That is a good thing!

Ahhhhh, thanks, I needed that

What a wonderful weekend to go camping. It was so nice to just get away and then to have such wonderful weather. So nice.

It was not warm enough to my liking to get in the river, but I did let one of the 3 puppies go down to the river with me and she loved getting in the water. I let her get into water as deep as her belly, but then she proceeded to lay down in the water. I wish I had my camera with me at that moment. She was so cute. Sadie is 2.5 years old and loves to have fun. She is a total water dog so we have to keep her out of the pool here with a gate. I was thinking of buying her a small kiddie pool to romp in, but our grass out back is patchy(dang grub worms) and all it would do is turn the yard into mud. So I hope to take them to the river a few times this summer instead. I will try and remember to take my camera with me the next time. The other 2 pups were in the camper with DH so next time I will try and get them to the river also.

The Shame of the cooler weather is that there were no drunks on the river floating on Friday when I took the pup down there. It is one of my all time favorite past times .... watching drunks make total fools of themselves as they float by us on the riverbank. Men and Women too BIG to be in swim trunks or bikinis (rolling my eyes there). Men and women too drunk to put on sun screen so by the time they come past our part of the river, they are burnt to a crisp. Red as lobsters. Oh they won't sleep well, oh wait, if they stay drunk and pass out then they won't feel that sting of the sunburn at all. Bahahaha. Can't wait until this summer when the drunk parade down the river starts. I will be sure to take a few pictures of that and post them. Sure, I use to float lots, but I don't drink like a fish so I never got to that point of drunken sunburned dumbass acting floater on the river. Instead, I sit on the river bank and LMAO at the fools in canoes.

Ahhh, Gotta love this weather. It was so worth taking 2 days off work to get out of town.

How was your weekend?


Off to catch up on Lost and my other tivo'd shows.

Bring Cheer to my heart on this expectant date

May 16 2007 was my expectant due date for our twins we became pregnant with in fall 2002. It was a twin pregnancy that was trouble from the beginning. Bleeding badly, bed rest, morning sickness on top of trying to lay still to keep the bleeds to a minimum, but mother nature was not liking that so at 8w2d I went into the RE's office for a scan to check the subchorionic bleed and it had gotten worse. My RE immediately admitted me into a room. Thankfully a room on the maternity floor that was on the Northwest of the wing away from those mothers that had just given birth and not the busy active labor rooms. Shhuuuu. My ultrasound confirmed that in twenty minutes between the first scan and this second scan that baby b's heartbeat had slowed and it looked as though the sac and placent was abrupting form the lining wall thus causing all the firt sized blood clots I was passing. While in the bathroom in my hospital room I was told to pee in a hat in the urinal. Sadly I delivered baby b, full sack in tact, in the hat. I held her in my hands. I was shaking in disbelief and as I was my mom walked in the room as she heard me crying. I layed the sac back in the hat and asked the nurse to please call my doc to tell him I just delivered our first of our twins and I felt I was going to do this again in about 10 minutes. 10 minutes later I was in full force labor and delivered our second twin in the hat also. I was so shell shocked that I could not cry. I was in disbelief that I had just delivered our twins in full 10 minute labor for each and by myself with the first sac and my mom by my side for the second sac. Sadly the nurse did not prep the specimin properly and when my RE arrived on the floor 10 minutes later he was so mad at her for not doing her job properly so he could send the fetal sac that fully contained our fetus's in each to be properly chromosomally checked. One was able to be tested and the other was not. One baby girl and one baby angel. I love you both! but my damn body could not keep you in there. It was not your fault we lost you, it was all mine for my defective body I was born with.

After that we had to wait a few days for my hcg numbers to go down. Having been 8w3d pg with twins, my body was still feeling pg after a few weeks later and then that is when I had to go in for a d&c to remove the left over fetal sac tissue in the uterus. Sad. I recovered ok and went back to work a few days later. I had to work, I had to consume myself in something to act like I was not sad anylonger over our loss of our twins. Fuck, I hate that society(work, strangers on the streets) does not give hugs. I sure needed one. I did get many from the ladies in the IF support group I attened at that time. Thanks to you all, you know who you are.

That was our second IVF cycle that resulted in twins implanting from 4 embies transferred. We were excited, but guarded to stay rested and it still did not matter. God took those babies from my womb and has them up in heaven with our other 7 angels too.

I often wonder if it had been two girls or one girl and one boy in there. Oh sweet precious babies. I do have your US pictures and I look at them with smiles. Thanks for being in me those 8w3d long. What a blessing to have helped your heartbeats start at least.

digging in the dirt

No, no post about dirt on people, but more so about dirt in my yard. Ha. No, I am not up to being snarky about my neighbor right now. More on that later! I promise.

I am one that likes to try my green thumb at anything. I tried it at gardening a few years back with tomatoes, cucumbers, green peppers and red peppers. I was very successful.

See, actually it all started about 5 years ago with a tomato plant growing out of the crack of my sidewalk one Spring. I rescued it out of the crack and planted it in the "rock" garden next to my deck steps. It was a huge success. I knew not what kind of tomato plant it was until the cute little yellow flower buds starting appearing. It was a cherry tomato plant and very bountiful at that. It was a miracle plant because it grew out of the crack of the sidewalk from a pile of bird droppings. Yes, great fertilizer it was. Ha.

So 4 years ago I was very successful again at growing 3 tomato plants (big boy, roma and cherry) and added in the cucumbers and green peppers. Success. My co-workers loved my free baskets of cherry tomatoes (see, dh hates tomatoes and I can't eat them all).

2 years ago, ARGGGHHH.. The bunny rabbits raided my garden. FUCKING RABBITS. They bit the stalks of both my cucumber vines and destroyed my 1/4 mature cucumbers(about 30 of them) and then proceeded to destroy my 3 tomato plants also. Green peppers did not make it. I think slugs got to them. I gave up and did not replant last year.

So this year, I have my 3 tomato plants. Big boy, hybrid roma and a grape tomato plant instead of cherry(couldn't find cherry at lowes this past weekend). 2 cucumber vines, 7 green and red pepper plants! Yum. I am going to put up some, hopefully, bunny proof fencing and keep them damn rabbits out of my garden. I have a soaker hose set up so I can water when camping too. Oh the tomatoes take 60-90 days for ripe tomatoes and I can't wait. Seems forever, but it will be here b4 I know it.

So I will try and take a picture of the plants once I get them in the ground tomorrow night. I will then keep my journal on them as much as possible. I know, a boring garden show? No, it is a hobby I have that I love and it will keep me busy while we wait for that magic phone call from the adoption agency. See, it is all a strategy! Keep myself as busy as possible so I am surprised when we do get that call! hopeful thinking here, stay with me.

Speaking of adoption. I am thinking of trying a letter campaign to friends and family to give them a little update on the waiting period and our home study renewal last month. Then will ask them to keep their ears open for any word from friends or anyone that might know if any potential adoption situations that we can contact our lawyer about.

I have learned to keep looking no matter what or where we are. I am working on a little business card type to give out to people with our contact info on it. Just in case they might know of any potential situations then they can call us about. Why not, right? gotta keep searching and spreading the word.

Ok, off to bed, work in the AM and then home to plant my garden and snap some pictures of it.

Wishes to all mom's out there

young, old and those of us that have angels up in heaven too.

Do you remember this post in April?

quoted(sorry I can't get the link to work):

I posted this on April 16th in this blog...........

have you served your duty?

I received, filled out and returned a survey a few weeks back from the federal courts. Yup, that means I am most likely set in the pool for Federal Grand Jury service. I told DH that I had a feeling that life will pull a Murphy's law on us and we would be blessed with an adoption match or placement and I at the same time I would be called for Federal Grand Jury duty. I don't know why, but when I get these feelings, they usually happen as I feel them. Anyone have Federal Grand Jury duty before? I heard you will be put on what is considered an on call list. They would call you ahead of time to say you may be called up to duty on such and such days. Is that true? I have a co-worker that was called up and actually served on a jury for 2 weeks straight. Not sequestered, but in court each day for 14 days."

Well it happened. I got my Juror summons today for Federal Grand Jury. WOW. That was quick. Reporting days: Monday, June 18 - Friday, June 29th. Yes, you read that right. 18th - 29th. OMG.. I can't believe it.. but the good thing is that I get to call the night of the 17th to find out if I really have to report. Then If I do, I go in on Monday and find out how many days they will need me there on site to wait for possible pool call up. BUT, I might not need to be there all of the 10 days they say.... that is if I don't get picked for a long jury. HAHAHAHAHA

Anyone that is reading this know of anyone or served yourself? Federal Grand Jurdy duty service that is, not your local city.

The bad part of all of this? DH and I had planned on leaving town on the 17th to go to Trail of Tears state Park for a full week of camping. We had to cancel our reservations tonight. Frick.

Now you know, the thinking person in me has my mind churning that I would wish for this to be a reason that we would then get a call from the adoption agency with a potential match due that same week of Grand Jury service too! LOL Yup, that is my Murphy's Law brain thinking. FUBC

Anyone served Federal Grand Jury duty? If so, give me some pointers as to what to expect, what I can bring with me (no, I did not read the phamplet yet they gave me, but will do so tomorrow). I am still in shock I was called up so quickly.

I love you my babies (mc ment)

Due Date today of our twins from IVF#3 in 2003. Miscarried 10/10/03 just 2 hours after seeing both of their heartbeats.

I love you, my babies.

typing in shadows

wow, got my eyes dialated tonight at 6:30 pm and I am still having a bunch of problems being able to focus. I miss being able to read others blogs tonight for their updates and sending out support and continuing the journey update here, but it has taken me several minutes to type this out basically unable to read what I type and trusting my fingers to do the jtalking. Be back tomorrow with more updates. Gotta print shipping lables for the items I consigned on Ebay for a friendl and then go eat longhorn steak and chicken with the 60.00 gift card my coworkers got me for Administrative Professionals day. LOL Or as I blike to call it, Me day. Flowers, cards and a gift card to the local steak house. Yum.

TGIF in a few hours.

yawn... gotta go rest my blurry eyes. (BTW, i stronlgy suggest to have someone drive you there and back for eye dialation. hehe.. driving on the city streets in a low vision state is not safe at all. Especially when when people on gravois like to just walk out in front of you in the middle of the street and not at the stop light corneers.

Not looking for Pity, but just sharing our last 7 or so years of life

This will eventually lead into the current days of life and waiting to welcome our first child into our home by adoption........................ ready? Set........ read on..........

January 1999, stopped birth control pills to "see what will happen when we have sex". Ha, little did we know trying to have a baby would consume 99% of our time for the next several years of our lives.

July 16, 1999 - I said to my co-worker, "Please call 911, I feel like someone is stabbing me in the gut". After my second ever ambulance ride, I arrived at St. Luke's. Then I soon had My first encounter with Mr. Wand. The ER doc said "You are pg, but did you know it was ectopic?" Yup, in my left tube. I was taken to the ER due to a ruptured cyst on my left ovary and near ruptured left fallopian tube. btw, I found out I was allergic to methotrexate shortly after that. Hives!

July 24, 1999 - first taste of general anesthesia for my first of many laporoscopies relating to Infertility to remove the ectopic pgcy. Left Tube blocked, fetus removed, but my tube was left in there as useless. Thus was told to never try to get pregnant from that ovary. Ha

August 1999 - The ob/gyn said Don't Pass Go, Don't Collect 200 bucks, but here is the name to a reproductive endocrinologist(RE). ob/gyn then said, "You are the proud owner of a fully septated uterus"... so said my ob/gyn sent me to an RE. The HSG that the ob/gyn did that day hurt so much that I literally kicked him in the arm when he was injecting the dye. He was not mad, just concerned that I was ok. Sure doc, let me inject your uterus with dye. Oh wait, you are a man and don't have a ute to do this to. Ohhhwwwiieeee, that hurts.

October 1999 - "You have PCOS", said the RE! "You have a full Septum in your uterus, did you mom take DES when pg with you?", said/asked the RE! Ouch. It may be difficult to get pregnant, but we will get you there he said.

November 1999 - cysts on the friendly ovaries

December 1999 - first taste of Clomid and having sex on demand by instruction of the RE.

January 2, 2000 - Congratulations, you don't have the flu, but your clomid worked and you got pregnant through your right tube when you ovulated from your left ovary.

February 8, 2000 - The face of dread on the ultrasound technicians face, she said "I'll be right back, I need to get the doctor". TEARS fell as our baby's (healthy baby boy btw) once strong heartbeat was no longer. Word to the wise, Don't ever go to an US visit by yourself. Implantation happend to be right on the septum so our baby died from lack of blood supply. Fuck my luck.

April 2000 - first of 5 septum resection surgeries. Septoplasty, metroplasty or something like that.

May, June, July, August 2000 - Thanks to PCOS, I was ruled by my body and my body said "nope, not going to cycle due to PCOS cysts again".

September 2000 - second round of clomid (a.k.a - cloooomooood, because it sure puts one in a mood, cranky mood, that was me) and our first IUI cycle. One follie, negative beta, or so we thought.

October 2000 - AF(Aunt Flow is, well you know, your period). Ultrasound on day 14 of my cycle showed a huge uterine lining, thus a beta (hcg-pregnancy level) was drawn and it showed I was with child, but too low for a good pregnancy. Another ectopic tubal pregancy. DOUBLE FUCK.

October & November 2000 - 2 different laporoscopies to remove said tubal ectopic pregnancy from my good right tube and 2nd lap was to remove molar pregnancy tissue that had adhered to my bowel, bladder and back of the uterus.. the doc was not able to save my so called "good" right tube, thus my title of my blog... Tubeless in St. Louis.

January 2001 - saving money for our next step in our life, IVF.
Another Septum surgery including a balloon catheter to help the uterus heal up properly.

February, March, April & May 2001: saving and saving for IVF. Thank goodness for tax returns and DH's then bonus. We paid cash for our first IVF. 8000 + another 1500 for 1/2 fertlization with ICSI. Thank goodness I had just won 2500 on the boat that week of retrieval and was able to pay cash for the ICSI the day of retrieval. They had not told us we needed until then. Cash grows on trees, right? Oh, did I mention that it cost me 2500.00 for some Lupron, Pergonal and Gonal F?

June 2001:

wait, to be continued tomorrow. Let me find the humor in those days of waiting and waiting to cycle.

April shower will bring May Flowers, right?

I hope so, but not in my yard yet. Well, the frost killed my 2 hydrangia's, several hostas and wilted my rose bushes bad. BUT, I have about 100 iris' coming up and lots of peony buds. YEAH. Can't wait to take pictures of those flowers. Next time someone please remind me to not go out of town when a hard frost hits so I can cover my plants in the yard and save them from a certain death. I will replant what I need to and love my flowers that will eventaully bloom.

Did anyone else lose their plants in the yard? bushes? etc?

Ok, Cheers to a great few days ahead of nice weather.

Cancer Sux!

Natalie could sure use some + thoughts. Her cancer is back. Arrggghhhhh. Lets help her fight this evil devil

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nataliet

Hugs Natalie. We are here for you.