About Us

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Bring Cheer to my heart on this expectant date

May 16 2007 was my expectant due date for our twins we became pregnant with in fall 2002. It was a twin pregnancy that was trouble from the beginning. Bleeding badly, bed rest, morning sickness on top of trying to lay still to keep the bleeds to a minimum, but mother nature was not liking that so at 8w2d I went into the RE's office for a scan to check the subchorionic bleed and it had gotten worse. My RE immediately admitted me into a room. Thankfully a room on the maternity floor that was on the Northwest of the wing away from those mothers that had just given birth and not the busy active labor rooms. Shhuuuu. My ultrasound confirmed that in twenty minutes between the first scan and this second scan that baby b's heartbeat had slowed and it looked as though the sac and placent was abrupting form the lining wall thus causing all the firt sized blood clots I was passing. While in the bathroom in my hospital room I was told to pee in a hat in the urinal. Sadly I delivered baby b, full sack in tact, in the hat. I held her in my hands. I was shaking in disbelief and as I was my mom walked in the room as she heard me crying. I layed the sac back in the hat and asked the nurse to please call my doc to tell him I just delivered our first of our twins and I felt I was going to do this again in about 10 minutes. 10 minutes later I was in full force labor and delivered our second twin in the hat also. I was so shell shocked that I could not cry. I was in disbelief that I had just delivered our twins in full 10 minute labor for each and by myself with the first sac and my mom by my side for the second sac. Sadly the nurse did not prep the specimin properly and when my RE arrived on the floor 10 minutes later he was so mad at her for not doing her job properly so he could send the fetal sac that fully contained our fetus's in each to be properly chromosomally checked. One was able to be tested and the other was not. One baby girl and one baby angel. I love you both! but my damn body could not keep you in there. It was not your fault we lost you, it was all mine for my defective body I was born with.

After that we had to wait a few days for my hcg numbers to go down. Having been 8w3d pg with twins, my body was still feeling pg after a few weeks later and then that is when I had to go in for a d&c to remove the left over fetal sac tissue in the uterus. Sad. I recovered ok and went back to work a few days later. I had to work, I had to consume myself in something to act like I was not sad anylonger over our loss of our twins. Fuck, I hate that society(work, strangers on the streets) does not give hugs. I sure needed one. I did get many from the ladies in the IF support group I attened at that time. Thanks to you all, you know who you are.

That was our second IVF cycle that resulted in twins implanting from 4 embies transferred. We were excited, but guarded to stay rested and it still did not matter. God took those babies from my womb and has them up in heaven with our other 7 angels too.

I often wonder if it had been two girls or one girl and one boy in there. Oh sweet precious babies. I do have your US pictures and I look at them with smiles. Thanks for being in me those 8w3d long. What a blessing to have helped your heartbeats start at least.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hun, my heart aches for you, your post brought back so many memories.
One day soon you will be parents to a child on earth, keep that in your hearts, i know it will happen some day soon

Much love