Friday's beta hcg level was down to 5.9. Our Chemical pregnancy is .9 points from officially being over, but they are done doing beta's. I stopped the PIO progesterone injections now and have to wean off of the dexamthasone up to Wed. I expect my AF lining shed will be very heavy. I will go visit the local sundries store tomorrow and stock up on my AF supplies. I will ride this out as it happens and will call my ob/gyn for help if needed as my RE is out of town for this coming week. Ugh.
This is bitter sweet, we tried hard to make this cycle work and yet it did in a way. Something tried to implant, but did just did not have the strength to hang on. I hope that I can try one more fresh cycle and then DH and I are up for saving for adoption domestically for the next 3 years. I resolve to the fact that our chances of a biological child are becoming slim so we have to broaden our thoughts and options for becoming parents. It took a long time in our battle of infertility to realize that "PREGNANCY" is not always necessary to have a child. A child we can love no matter how s/he is born into this world. Sure, we would grieve our loss of a bio child if that is the route our Journey takes us, as I assume many would, but once I can hold a baby in arms and say "s/he is ours" then I will be very proud of our journey to that moment.
I want to be happy right now, but I have to get through the grief and AF is the last part of that to come this week.
Thank goodness for IF therapy group meetings . YEAH. Damn it, I was pregnant for a short time.
Babysat my niece and nephew Friday night and had a great time. I got a wonderful picture of DH reading book to my nephew just b4 bed. It was very sweet and gave me hope that we will be parents and he will be a wonderful daddy.
I wish I had a cable to download that picture to share with you.
Hearts heal in due time
Wounds will be healed over
Minds will prevail
mood: ok
feeling physically: crampy
book I am reading: A gathering of Old Men.
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4 comments:
I still feel terrible I had no idea what was going on until I called with the ticket info this weekend. I had a bad feeling when I heard the way you said hello. I wish I would have known sooner, but haven't been checking in on Bloggers much lately. You sound like your head is in a great place and you have a wonderful husband to support you right now. I just wish I could do something. call me if you need me. I'm here!
-J
Hey sweetie...again, so sorry about all of this. It truly sucks - oh hey can I curse here? Anywho, just know I've been thinking about you.
Been catching up on your blog and I totally think you should rename it "Tubeless in St. Louis" - great name!
Jenn
Thanks Jenn and J..... DH and I are doing much better today. I know it will hit me soon ..the emotional part of this loss that is... I await AF and when she arrives I am on the bench for several months. I will recoup from this loss as will DH in due time. Thanks for being here for us.
You're probably going to hate this comment, and it's none of my business but I came across your blog by accident... or at least I thought it was by acccident.
Anyway, my wife and I went through so many of the EXACT same things you are. Over five years of hell (and 3 miscarriages) before our first was born - healthy and beautiful.
We tried drugs, we tried 3 different "fertility" doctors, we tried everything you have been doing.
Then we went here:
http://www.havingbabies.com/
The Huntington Reproductive Center in California. (We used to live in LA). Anyway, it's literally world renown. We found a doctor who sat with us for over an hour - listening to our whole story, bringing him up to date on everything we'd been through, all the junk my wife's body had been pumped with, all the things I'd been put through physically and emotionally.
He then told us the most amazing thing. He said, "Now, there is no written evidence of this in any medical journals, and doctors won't tell you this for obvious reasons, but I have been doing this for the last thirteen years - nothing but this - and I can tell you that regardless of what diagnosis you have been given by doctors, the SINGLE GREATEST contributing factor to pregnancy failure is stress."
He then went on to say that regardless of what our chemical levels are, what injections we're on, etc., etc., a woman simply cannot get pregnant and/or complete the gestation period if under tremendous stress.
And what is more stressful than what you're going through right now?
Anyway, this doctor told us to stop everything. The injections, the chemicals, the clock watching, everything. He told us to take two months off - forget trying to get pregnant. Forget everything about having babies. Take two months off and reconnect as a couple. After the 2 months he'd then start some amazing new treatments.
He said that since we've waited this long, another 2 months wouldn't matter. He suggested we take a vacation. We did.
And we got pregnant.
When we returned to the doctor six weeks later he smiled and told us he figured that would happen. He said he had over an 80% success rate witrh his "De-stress" prescription.
He told us that all the drugs and injections can do more harm than good to the woman's body, let alone the stress levels that they cause.
My wife, of course, was worried about another miscarriage. He told us he doubted it - and then made another unbelievable claim - that he and Huntington have evidence that the VAST majority of miscarriages happen when the woman's body has been pumped full of junk and/or the woman is under tremendous stress.
He gave my wife a very specific diet during her pregnancy, and had us check in once a month. We gave birth to an amazing little girl, 4 weeks prem, but both Mommy and daughter happy and healthy. Our girl is now about to turn 4 and she is in the 40 percentile for height and weight.
And we have a little boy that was conceived literally the first time we "did it" after the girl being born. They are only 16 months apart. Whew!
Anyway, I completely understand that every person and every situation is different. And I'm sure's there's TONS that I don't know about your situation and I hope you don't think I'm trying to "tell" you anything or that you're doing anything wrong.
But I thought I should share our story.
I wish you and your husband the very best.
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