About Us

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

9th and final angel in heaven

July 1999 = ectopic in left tube from natural conception/Angel #1(tube was most likely blocked from severe endometriosis that doctors were never smart enough to discover although I sure had the symptoms and complained my ass off to them about. )

February 2000 = miscarriage/lost heartbeat of one healthy baby boy angel at 8w1d pg(testing showed a healthy male fetus, but upon hysteroscopy/d&c to remove the demised fetus from our womb it was noted that the fetus most likely passed due to implantation on the uterine septum I was born with. Angel #2

October 2000 = ectopic # 2 in right (good) tube from an IUI/Clomid cycle. It took 2 laporoscopy surgeries in 2 months to save me from septic shock due to molar tissue growth of the pgcy removal in the tube that grew on the bladder, bowls, abdominal walls. I lost the right tube and we took out the bad blocked left tube. Hence TUBELESS. Angel #3

October 7th 2002 = miscarriage of twins at 8w3d due to large subcorionic hematoma. One fetus was a healthy girl, but we will never know the other fetus's gender due to the nurse being a dumbass and not sending the sample to the lab properly. Angels #4 and 5.

October 10 2003 = miscarriage of twins at 10w due to large subchorionic hematome in the uterus again! No genders were able to be determine due to contamination from the urinal I delivered them in. Angels # 6 and 7

July 2005 = Chemical pregnancy from our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Highest beta was a 12.9. Angel # 8

November 27th 2005 at 12:10 am.... = Miscarriage of one heatly 6w1d embryo due to another LARGE bleed. Angle # 9



I am exhausted. I am burnt out. I am crying hard. I am lost. I am sad I lost my chance at ever becoming a mom to a child I would ever carry.

Today's US showed what I already knew. No embryo existed in the uterus anymore. I miscarried it early early hours of Sunday morning at home in the privacy of our own bathroom. I was bleeding very very heavily, as with the subchorionic hematomas. Then suddenly I wiped and there my embryo sat on the tissue, no blood, nothing except a perfect round sac with fliud in it that ruptured out when I held it out to look at it on the tissue. I quietly called DH into the bathroom and told him that was our baby. He hugged me and got me a little container to put it in so I could take it into the office on Monday AM.

The doc agree's with DH and I that even with 1 frozen embie, we might want to consider surrogacy. Well, I can't afford that. I can't do that. It is so fucking expensive. Like more that what I paid for my house back 10 years ago. I joke you not. It is not in reach for that to be possible. So DH and I have decided to put things on hold on that front. We will keep our one embryo frozen until we can think clearly after the new year. The doc did send off the tissue I brought in from my mc on Sunday AM and said he did not see any product of conception in there, but he did send it to the lab to test it. We will wait about 10-15 days for that report to come back in and the nurse will call us back with results. I don't think we can get INCIIDTHEHEART to cover anymore cycles and I would not really think I could even try to do a transfer. My only thought is that if they could help us with one more retrieval, I can freeze all embies and then maybe MAYBE one day I can get a family member of friend to volunteer to be a surrogate.

I am lost.

Our only option is to stop treatments now totally and then stop and save up money for adoption in about 2 years. We won't have funds available to us until after January 2008. Yes, I said 2008. FUCK.

meantime, I am going to engross myself in school and find my ability as an older college student to get my 2 year associates soon.

FUCK... I HATE IT WHEN OUR DREAMS ARE CRUSHED.

I miss my angels in heaven.

I LOVE YOU ALL, my sweet babies.

Hey, if you know of anyone that would volunteer to be a surrogate for a loving couple, send them my way. No, I am not kidding.

3 comments:

Pitypat said...

Becky,
you have been through so much and deserve so much better. Life can really throw you unexpected things that really suck. You have your angels to grieve and your dreams of carrying a child. I have never carried a child but i know about broken dreams. I was amazed at the relief i felt when we decided to adopt, even though there are still regrets about never having a bio-child, it really doesn't matter much and i am hopeful of something i know will happen instead of hopeful of something that might, could or may never happen. I wish the very best for you both - no matter what the best is......

averyjenn said...

((Bec)) I'm so sorry girl. I hope you got my Yahoo message. I'm here if you need to chat, you know how to find me...

Love ya...

msmlissa said...

Becky,
I attended a few RESOLVE meetings in the summer of 04. I've been quietly lurking and watching your journey and rooting you on. I'm so sorry to see the latest news. It definitely is not fair. I hope the new year will be the one in which you find your way to motherhood and the happiness you deserve.
Melissa