first true summer sign

as I let the dogs out around the dusk hour(8:45 pm or so) I immediatly said "Summer is here" when I walked out onto the deck. Lightning bugs! (a.k.a. Fireflies for those that don't live in the inner-city!) LOL And bats.

Lighning bugs sure bring back the days when I was ages 8-12 or so. We (girlfriend down two houses) would go find an old pickle jar in her dads workshop, grab a screwdriver and proceed to poke about 5 holes in the top of the lid and then went out and picked about a hand full of grass for each jar and then had a hayday running and catching the lightning bugs! Oh fun. Yes, I was a tom-boy of sorts when I was a kid. I loved doing the "bug" thing when I was that age. Turning over rocks and playing with worms and roley-poley-ollie-o's. Fun.

Summer is here.

Where's the bbq?

our first holiday this year that brings us into SUMMER mode and where the heck is the bbq? Not one of my family members, or dh's at that, had a bbq this weekend. We did celebrate DH's bro's 40th bday by attending a surprise party for him, but that was good table food/deli meats, etc... and lots of beer and margaritas.. so DH is going to have to do some bbq'in for me this weekend coming up!

Yes, A margarita I had. I am off my meds now so I indulged and it was YUMMY. Very strong and everyone was loving them so I had to have one too, but I missed my salt rim as the makers of the margaritas did not bring any salt. BUT I enjoyed it!

lots of home items need to be worked on. Dang the weather. Oh, hornets are the subject for outside our house. Literally outside our house. They have taken up residence in the metal shack we have (little metal shed). We are watching the doggies when they go outside to make sure there is not a new hornets nest near or around the deck and or shack. Otherwise I am on target with the 25 foot hornets sprayer! ha. man, those things sure love to dive bomb the dogs and DH and I when out there. I wonder why they keep targeting our deck and shack? Why don't they go bother the man that has the falling down garage and sickly peach tree in his back yard that does not go out to enjoy his backyard? Murphy's law?

So this week is a short one for you all. Today I was driving around( yes, I am allowed to drive finally since surgery) and thought hmmm, today being Sunday, that means DH has to work 5 days this week and I DON'T .. hehe.. then I realized that it is Monday. Oopsie. So he has to work 4 days this week and I DON'T. hehe.

My follow up with the doc is next Tuesday and then we will look forward to booking a camping date sometime soon! YEAH. Hopefully near a river so we can go sit in the river under a shade umbrella in our river chairs. YEAH. Ummm, guess what my drink of choice will be that weekend that we finally go...........Starts with an M, involves a salt rim , blender to crush up some ice(read: frozen). I do declare a beach blanket (river chair/umbrella) celebration soon to be had.

Tell me something, Why do people who don't belong out in the heat still go out in the heat and overheat themselves? I do not get that. Today, while filling up my gas tank (27.00 and some change) a man was on the ground by the pay phone and with a fire rescue truck awaiting am ambulance. He was indeed overheated(heard the conversation) and was wearing long pants and socks and shoes and a wife beater top. I just don't get it. He was an older man and looked in shape, but it was clearly too hot for him out there. I guess I care about our elderly and I hate seeing them get sick and overheated when they can avoid it. I sure hope his home has an AC unit in it. He was not in a low income neighborhood either. hmmm

ok, off to pop dh some popcorn.. whiney is getting edgy for his popcorn.

another day closer

to healing, but not up to par just yet.

I swept the house today, that was a 3 part job. Swept living room, dining room and then had to stop. Swept bathroom and bed room and then stopped and then hallway was last and I then made DH to the kitchen. I was on the couch in pain after the hallway. BUT no percocet. Just leaning to deal with the pain management without prescirption and too many tylenol.

Doggies are not wanting to go outside with all this heat. I don't blame them. I went out with them at 8:30 this AM and I swear it felt like 90 degrees already. So I decided against going to a few yard sales and instead went back to the comforts of my sheets and conforter. LOL Maybe a few yard sales this coming week.

check these out. My sister is a bargain hunter and found these new john lennon real love baby shoes at the resale shop the other day. She was so excited to buy them and bring them to me the other day. She then went on Ebay and found the price for them in this auction that sold. She was floored and said she will keep searching for more for me so I can sell them on ebay too. LOL

So I need to make a to do list for next week after this holiday. Get my energy up to cut the dead burning bush from the front of my house. No, I never did that yet. secondly is to buy some night hanging flower baskets for my front porch and then plant some flowers in the pots for the front porch also. Then I need to get a hair cut and color. I will do this while out on medical leave. I am tired of my long hair and need a shorter cute cut and much needed color. I will treat myself. I deserve it. Then I will book my massage that DH got me for my b-day back in Jan. Also will do a pedicure while there. So need some love for these feetsies of mine.

The list of Thank You cards is growing. I need to buy some cards to send out. Beautiful flowers from co-workers from my surgery, some baby gifts of recent came in from friends, and some beautiful crocheted baby blankets from my aunt in Nebraska. Bless her. They are beautiful.

dinner is on.

thinking I can venture out

wrong!

I am healing, but man my head is in a fog and it has to be the percocet. LOL I slept nil last night and I bet it was from sleeping off and on all day yesterday. I have my nights and days mixed up right now. Need to correct that.

Pain level, maybe a 3 today, down from a 5 yesterday. TMI warning..... My bowels are moving and that is the pain I am having to adjust to so far. I am not one that deals well with that kind of pain as I have IBS and it can range from low pain to a very high pain threshold sometimes, now with surgery complete and some scar tissue removed from the bowel wall that was adhered to the uterus I know I have to take a little while to heal up. Time will heal, just gotta try it without the drugs so I can become a social bug again.

I need a hair cut so bad. Heck, I need a shower to even make this grease mop look at little better at least and that is with much hope. So I think a hair cut is in order. Now to decide if a cut and color is in order. I have never colored my hair and it really needs it with the nice strands of gray showing up like little radar heads.

Ahhh, a bowl of cheerios and banana with a little splenda sprinkled over the top of it. Yum. I am not a morning cereal eater, but the last 2 days I am loving these ripe bananas and cheerios together.

What is up with this HOT weather? I loved having the windows open and breeze through the house, but suddenly the hot summer days are here and it is not even the holiday yet. Looks as thought he pool will be opened right on time this year. Sunblock spf 45 is on my shopping list for when I can venture out of the house. I lobster, I don't tan, I bake beat red, I don't tan. So I must protect.

Oh, baby shopping issues. I am set for our shower but need to go add a few things to the babydepot registry that they don't have online. FUN... again for when I can venture out of the homestead.

Thank you cards are in order for a few folks

my list is getting longer, my head is getting lighter, I must go lay down.

so thats what the problem was....

Adenomyosis

All I can say is I had heard about this and heard it was painful, now I have lived it and it all makes sense. I had endometriosis trapped in my uterine wall all this time. No wonder I could not carry a baby to viability. No wonder I bled like a stuffed pig, no wonder all my years of pain. I had endometriosis removed 4 times stage 4 and now this? WOW.

My OB is a savior. I can't wait to have a pain free month ahead of me after I recoupe.

The pain ... I can't describe it. The bleeding, 80-90 tampons a cycle and 30 pads on a bad cycle. COMBINED damnitalready.

So I will be blessed to have a pain free life ahead of me having removed this defective uterus now. Healing is the hard part, especially emotionally. I am so sorry I could not carry a baby for my husband, but I know there is a baby out there for us to hold and love and cherish.

ok, percocet is working .. off to bed.


can't wait for the sunny days ahead of no more uterine pain.

confessions of the mind

in some sort of conversation this past week, DH and I both started talking about the gender of our children-to-be. He confessed to me that he has hope that we would have a girl for our first child. WOW. I was amazed, not shoced, and relieved that he was yet again matching my most inner thoughts and hopes for our future adoption. I know, we can't be beggers and choose the gender of our baby, that is just not us, but we can hope and wish for things. DH and I have this connection, an unspoken one. I told him that it was amazing that he felt this way because it was the exact same way I felt too. He wants a Daddy's little GIRL and I can't wait to see him spoiling our baby girl one day. Sure, I hope it is our first childs gender too, but we will not be greedy and request that. I wholeheartedly will love our baby no matter the gender when he or she is placed in our arms. Unconditionally. No doubts.

DH and I have unspoken words that sometimes surface and sometimes are exactly what the other is thinking/wishing/hoping for. I love when a couple has that innermost connection.

Ok, I am in the 2nd hour of my pre-surgery prep. Yuck. All I can say is Magnesium Citrate is NASTY and I won't be leaving the house for the next 10 hours as I am tied to the toilet. Yuck. Sorry,,, TMI TMI TMI..

not the best outcome, but profit did ring true

what a strange day for low traffic for yard sales. We did make up our costs on food and soda, water, etc... so we cleared at least 240.00 for a hard days work. BUT that is 240.00 towards our adoption funds. I will take any profit over loss any day.

Thanks to my mom, her friend Jane, DH and my MIL, we did OK for a slow traffic day.


ring up that total board to read $1605.00! YEAH.. it is climbing upwards.

Ok, off to turn in my 29 dollar winning lottery ticket. Wait, that brings us to $1634.00 then on the tote. HA.


I will be working with my mom on some ebay sales in a few weeks when I am on medical leave. I am repeatedly hearing that ebay is slow, do you find that true?


Now I am off to shower relax and sleep.

Praying to the "NO RAIN" gods...

Oh please oh please let there be NO RAIN tomorrow(Saturday) .. Yard Sale here at our house and I am praying hard that there is NO RAIN.


No .. No... No...

Please please please.

NO RAIN NO RAIN NO RAIN.


last day of work b4 surgery. Training the temp is going really well. I hope she gives me an ok review when I return to work in 5 weeks or so.

Her passage to Heaven happened

cancerbaby is now in heaven. I will sure miss her, but will never forget her. She got me through some very dark days in my IF journey. Prayers to her family and friends. Thanks for your prayers too if you saw my post below.

here is a forever link
http://www.fileden.com/files/12934/cancerbaby.html

5 days left

before we take out this broken uterus.

Monday is surgery day and I go in for an 8 am surgery time. So that means I will have to be there around 6 am .

No, this is not an elective surgery in anyway shape or form, it is a necessity now due to having AF's for 14 days long on average with 7-10 of those days with nasty NASTY heavy flow. I know, TMI TMI.. but it is life I live and this is where I chat about it. I don't fit in on the IF boards anymore, so this is my portal of venting.

So my expected statement after surgery is... "Now that you are adopting, I am sure you will get pregnant". I swear to you I can't wait until the first person says that to me because I will totally lose it on them. HA. NO, I can't eff'ing have a baby due to my broken uterus we had to EXTRACT from my being. Defective uterus can't survive in me and make me miserable anymore so I had to take it out to avoid a real loss of sanity and physical being.

I can't wait to have a new libido again. See, a normal woman's cycle goes like this and then I will explain mine.

normal(whatever that is!) is an average 28-31 day cycle to include 5 - 7 days of AF, then ovulation around day 12-16 and then lots of baby making sex to boot b4 that ovulation date and then a sweet 2 week (approx) wait to find out if pg.

me: 25 day cycles if lucky = 14 average days of bleeding(AF) and then ovulating while bleeding on day 12-14... spotting for 4-5 days after AF and then lots of Endometriosis pain from days 18-25 and then AF again. So no libido nor time to have a libido as it is interrupted with crap like this all the time. My Poor DH.

I will be having an LAVH (laporoscopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy) I have a feeling this will be a less painful procedure than I expect it to be. Hmmmm, anyone been there done that with this procedure to be able to tell me what to expect for post op pain and recovery?


Yard sale this Sat. WIsh Us luck.

hope to add another 400 to the ticker.

Mothers day recognized

Thanks to my mom, DH and my mom's friend, I was wished a Happy Mothers day several times over. It felt good to have that recognition. They all know the many angels we have in heaven and they know I am a mother at heart although our angels are not on earth but in heaven instead.

I will be An Eartly Mother in due time. !

I WILL, but meanwhile I will cherish every day as a Heavenly Mom to my angels.

Happy Mothers day to every mother out there, even those that are Heavenly angel Mothers!

If you pray, please spare a prayer for a fellow cyber blogger

cancerbaby could really use your prayers.I have read her blog for a few years now and it hurts my heart to know she is in so much pain.

CANCER SUCKS. I lost my dad at 49 years of age to lung/liver/bone cancer and it sure scares the shit out of me knowing that I am susceptible to it also.

My prayer is to give her peace in hour journey no matter the outcome. She deserves peace and I so wish I could make that a cancer free peace. Frick.

I found her blog one day searching out infertility blogs and have followed her posts, although sometimes far apart understandably, but she has always been so unselfish and kept us posted in cyber land. Thanks to her unselfishness again, she has had a friend post her updates. This, I admire!

Many inspirational posts from her despite the diagnosis she has lived with now.

Dear Lord above, please hear our prayers and bring peace to her and her family. I want her to live and be cancer free. FRICK

Public Domain,yes, Copyright= Stop using my shit

Yes, you know who you are. Stop using my shit on my site.

spring has sprung

last night I came home to DH telling me not to let the doggies out because there was a baby robin in the back yard. He caught our oldest doggie in the yard earlier with the poor chick in her mouth. UGH. So I promptly went out there with a towel expecting to find a dead chick, but actually it was in the yard and walking around. I took the towel and picked it up and put it in the neighbors yard. The momma and pappa robin were not very happy with us for messing with their chick, but I had to save it from the jaws of death of my doggie. yuck.

So this morning i found the chick in the yard of another neighbors. I sure hope our doggie did not hurt that baby chicks wing. hmmm. I tried my best to save that chick.

you should see all the baby doves just fleeing their nests now.

Spring has sprung. Iris blooms... peonies up.. fun.

SCORE

Wow... My sister asked me, upon driving into the very back parking lot of the school baby mania sale yesterday to find a parking spot, if I had ever been to one of these baby mania sales. My reply, "Nope". She got all excited and looked at me and said that I would be overwhelmed. Well I was not so much overwhelmed, but instead I was in SHOCK. Sure, you have those re-sellers that love to overprice their items, but then there are those families that love a bargain so they sell at a bargain too. I so live for those kinds of sales.

This is the first score I found this picture frame for the first year. $.75

Then my mom came across this rug. Mind you it was only 10 bucks and on ebay right now they are selling between 45-60 bucks plus shipping. HA

We found several gender neutral sleepers, a pair of crib shoes for about $2.50 total(no, not all john lennon motif) and all of these stuffed animals 1 2$.25 3$.25 and one picture frame $1

Then I came across this NEW in package Floor play mat for 7 bucks.

I swear to you my mom and sister are really getting into this nursery decorating, BUT now we have a large number of items in the nursery so we will have to chill on this.

Last night I went online to burlingtons baby depot and registered.

Today I get to put a list of names and addresses together for the baby shower my family is insisting on having next month(of course I have qualms about this because we don't have a match and placement yet of our future baby, but I am enjoying preparing for that day so I guess a shower will be added fun in the prep).

I really feel that some items are necessary to buy new so a travel stroller system will be new and not purchased from friends, family or yard sales. What items did you insist be new?
I love my family, but they are wanting to do hand-me-downs for mostly every item related to a baby. I don't feel totally safe with the car carrier seats they have because they are SEVERAL years older. Is that wrong of me to insist on a new item? Selfish?

baby mania sale tomorrow. YIPPPEE

Oh Lord, hold back the bank card and only give me 40 bucks to spend tomorrow at the baby mania sale at Mehlville high school. I called my sister today(mom of 3, 12yo niece, 10yo nephew and 3yo niece) and my mom to see if they were going and Yup... we are now a 3some going to the sale. Doors open at 8 am and we are to get there at 7:30 and wait in line. OMG> I have not done this sale before but my sister said the ladies get there at like 6 am and wait in line and are sometimes VICIOUS when they break the 8 am mark to do the ALL OUT run to the re-sellers. Bahahaha. I am NOT a mad woman like that... well not yet at least. ha. I am on the hunt for baby room closet organizers(i live in the city so my closets are no more than 3 feet wide and two hangers deep so it will be hard to find something used). More crib sheets(my mom is making most of mine by hand, she is a wonderful sewer). and hopefully some good gender neutral clothes. Oh and any John Lennon Real Love items for the nursery of course. My sister called me this past Wed and she said she found a JL RL lamp that matches my nursery.. she snagged it for 5.00. YEAH. I have one already, but honestly I wanted 2 for the nursery so this is cool.

On the subject of sales.. I need to put together my yard sale yet and I can't find a weekend that is free to do one before surgery so I will most likely plan one while out on leave. I sure hope I can get some good help because I can't be lifting things. If I can't do the sale in early June then I will have to hold off for the fall. Summer is just too hot.

I had a good week with the support groups. both were productive and helpful. Glad they are in town. One was for infertility (helping me transition to adoption and the other was for adoption. check out www.infertilityandadoption.org for support group events for both IF and adoption.

17 days and counting

until the end of the pain. Counting down to the day of my surgery for a partial hysterectomy. Sometimes I find myself in denial that I will have this surgery, but after the last 2 days of severe endometriosis pain I am 99% sure I will go through with this surgery. Let me preface this all by saying everyone's pain from ENDO is differnt and I feel that the pain I have for my side of things is a 7-8 amount of pain out of a possible 10 for the worst pain. The last 2 days have been horrible. I know stage 4 endo is the highest you can have(or so they say) and I am at that stage again but in even more pain now than when I had it diagnosed and removed in the previous 3 surgeries. July 99, Oct 00, April 04...stages 4, 3 and 2 removed and this pain I have now is the pain of all 3 of those time periods combined. I can't explain it easily, the pain that is. If you took a rolling pin for cookie dough, added spikes to that roller and then rolled up and down, in and out of my uterus and abdomen, then maybe I can say that is similar to the pain I would compare. I know, call me crazy for that descpription, but it really does hurt like that. So endometriosis is assocatied with back pain... Yup, CHeck that pain. I have had 11 pinched nerves in my back from a car accident back in 1989 and that was very painful, but this pain from the endo is a much different more intense pain that even a massage and or back rub won't cure or ease. My legs become restless with all this abdominal pain too. I know, call me crazy, but it is true.

So yes I am counting the days down to surgery. approx 5 weeks off work. Now to ask for a miracle to come along with this time off work..........

A miracle of an adoption match and placement ... I know, long shot, but hey I can wish for it at least. hehe

I am remaining hopeful that we will have a pain free lifestyle of no endo pain soon, adoption match and placement hopefully in 2006 and a fun summer of camping too!


Blessings to my friends that have all had great news with the adoption front!!!! YEAH. I can't wait to spread the good news.



Cheers to a great weekend and hopefully dry one so I can do some much needed gardening and veggie planting.

If you ever need to ask questions about Endometriosis and infertility, please post and I will get back with you ASAP.

Please, can you spare a prayer

well we are done with our adoptive parenting classes and now our infant cpr class is completed(yes, we had to sit next to a very pregnant mom to be and father to be in our class and we DID survive!). Now comes the hard part of this chase in the adoption journey... the wait. We heard from our agency that there are no perspective birthmother situations and it looks like it might be until at least when school starts up in the fall before we might hear any good news of perspective birthmother situations. We also contacted the agency from another situation a few weeks back that we were not selected for and she told DH that she doesn't have any potential birthmothers with her agency right now either. Waaahhhhh. Now this is when I ask for your prayers to help DH and I through this wait. The wait that could take days, weeks, months, a year?! possibly. I get sad thinking a years time could happen. Heck they quote 18 months on average for a match to happen with these 2 agencies and it seems to be the norm right now with any agency. Ok. just simply asking for a prayer or good thoughts to help remind me to stay calm and remember that the right situation is out there for us to come along at the right time. I am hopeful that we will have a match one day, but I fear the wait time. If you waited a while, come post to me and tell me how you managed to hang tough in the wait time.

Ok.. off to bed to hopefully have GOOD positive dreams about our future baby!


Edited to add one of my favorite prayers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference