this site is too funny... You that are addicted to POAS

What is POAS, you ask? Peeing on a stick... it is an addiction to those of us that are IF or have been through IF.

this is the site I was pointed to today and let me tell you, this really happened to me... A + OPK = A +PREGNANCY result for me, sadly mine was ectopic.. but it proved right!

http://www.peeonastick.com:16080/opkhpt/

bahahahaha, the addiction we have is over the top.

I will post an update soon. Camping is in the air...

Is it really set up?

Yuppers!

I have a tenative (yup, on paper) date for our FET transfer.

JUNE 10th is the Probable Embryo Transfer date. YEAH. I am to call with CD1 and then go in for an US and E2 draw. This will kick off the 12-15 days of bcp's then I get to add in Lupon(10iu) and Dexamethasone and 4 times we get to do E2V IM shots for E2 boosters in the almost 3 weeks of the cycle. I have several dates for US and E2 draws, then on 6/5 I go in for another E2 and US then they will call us to adjust the meds or to set up the dates for the transfer.

Of course this all rides on the idea that we can get at least 1 of our 3 frozen embies to Thaw. I really hope that at least 2 embies make the thaw. I am so scared for them.


I still have to coordinate with the embryologist at SIRM and the embryologist at my old RE's office to get my 3 frozen miracles transferred to SIRM before the 2nd week of May.

I am so excited.... It is so nice to have a protocol in hand and a perspective on when we can do this finally.


Blessings are to be had.

reminders of what I need to jot down here tmorrow....

first adoption support group meeting..
Embryo Transportation funny story....
a picture of my tuxedo strawberries...

are you wondering???? Well I will post more tomorrow night I hope. hehe.. tease

ooh ooh ooh ooh...oohooh..ooh....ooh ooh ooh ooh....

yes.. that is a title of being anxious. It all starts with having to wait these last few days.... almost a full week to hear back from Dr. A's office cycle coordintor, MK, to set up my FET dates and protocol. SHE CALLED AND I WAS NOT HOME. Go F'ing figure!.. she called my home # and did not call me at work(which I will stress and make them note in my file to call me at work or my cell # from now on dangit). She called Friday afternoon and by time I got home and got the message it was 5:50 pm and they had closed at 4:30 pm. OMG... I have to wait until 9 am Monday (today as it is 12:13 am) to call and then get the voice mail for MK for her to call me back at work on my cell phone (which will be in my pocket all day waiting for her call). I am so anxious.. hence the being up at 12:15 am tonight.

Tomorrow is going to be a strange day. I have to wait for MK's call back while I spear up the Baby SHower for a co-worker who is due in 4.5 weeks. YIKES. How funny is that? I am an office coordinator/IT Dir asst. and am in charge of getting the Cake and making a mixed fruit bowl and I elected to make chocolate covered tuxedo design strawberries. Mine don't look near as good as the picture on the chocolate package, but they taste yummy. I had to sample them before I can take them to work for the party. My theory on this related Baby shower issues is that DH and I will be greatly rewarded in due time for having hosted (me) several baby showers for family and now co-workers. I do believe, I do. I hope the good Karma reciprocates. Know what I mean? IF and baby showers are hard enough, but to host them and plan them for the office was very hard. I take it as a possible good vibe for DH and I to get good news sooner than later.

Ok, 8.5 hours or so to go before I can call SIRM.. YEAH. until tomorrow night. I will post more after I get out of school at FoPo community college. LOL

NO, It is a green light Damnitalready....

Got the call from the doc's office today..... We are covered for the FET and now we can do a cycle. YEAH


May 31st is the target week. We have 3 beautiful embies in the freezer at Dr. Pearlstone's office that we have to get the embryologist to transfer from there to SIRM office. YEAH. I call them on Monday to set this transfer up. Then I wait for a call from MK to set up the calendar for an FET(frozen Embryo Transfer) in Late May 2005.

Oh please, I am saying prayers that at least 1 or 2 embies survive the thaw of the freezer. Oh PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!


ok.. off to watch the Cardinals beat up on someone.

No, it is a RED LIGHT..... ugh

We can't proceed with the INCIID the Heart cycle unless we agree to
do the FET with our frozen embies first.


I will blog more about this later. Heavy heart, but I will have a chin up very soon! I swear this rollercoaster ride is rough.

It is a green light

YEAH...Dr. Ahlering gave us the ALL CLEAR today to set up our INCIID the HEART IVF cycle. YEAH!!!!

I await the call tomorrow from the IVF coordinator, Mary Kaye, with SIRM here in town and we will discuss the options for when we can cycle.

DH has a major month of May project going on so we can't do the retrieval and xfer then so I am crossing my fingers that we can retrieve in early June.

Please say a prayer that my body stays in check and that I can set a date in stone tomorrow!


CHEERS.

bec

baited breath

I wait... tomorrow at 3 pm I have yet another fluid Ultrasound(US) and this will determine if my blood clot in the uterus is gone or still residing attached to my septated fundal area. UGH.. I have a gut feeling it is still there and I will get that dreaded look on the doc's face. Dr. Ahlering is a sweet man, but if he looks at me like that, the dreaded look, then I will cry. Just bust out crying. I am going to cry because my body defies all rules, never listens to what it should do. BUT, big BUT if it does show that the blood clot is gone.. PRAISE THE LARD ABOVE.

I am still spotting so this leads me to believe that my body remains in odds as to what SHOULD be happening. Why is my gut feeling so strong? This internal feeling I get, it just outweighs all good. I am that girl that thinks the glass is half empty when I know I should think it is half full for a positive outlook, but it is so hard to do.

Ok, going to talk to the doc tomorrow about 2 things. Antidepressants and Metformin/Glucophage to help with weight loss. I need something to keep my emotions in check and I will see what he suggests. I am sure he won't prescribe them, but at least I can get a lead on what to ask my GP for when I call them next week and say I need help. Sleep is a thing that is not in my life. I sleep average of 4.5 hours a night again and it is cracking me up.... emotionall and mentally that is! So that goes along with the need for an antidepressant to help calm my mood, anxiety, emotions, etc. I am not one that likes to medicate to solve, but I had to do this a few years ago when we lost our twin pregnancy for the second time. I was just spent and needed something to control myself. Will it be paxil or welbutrin? hmmmm I hate it that I am even thinking of needing drugs to help. Dang it.

Metformin/Glucophage is for those that have insulin resistance problems. When I test my blood sugars, they don't show I am diabetic, so that leads my OB and myself to believe I am insulin resistant and thus the weight gain. If I can get the M/G to control this I bet I would lose about 20 lbs in a month. I need that. Weight loss will also boost my self esteem.

DH and I fight, we are both moody and I mostly blame it on me.. He is on welbutrin so he has no reason, I think I just set him off on a bad mood when I am coming home crabby and such all week and weekend long. Lard Help us.

Ok, enough for now. I will be back, stronger than ever, Happier than ever as soon as I get my IVF protocol. SOON I HOPE.


clover girl OUT............(like Seacrest OUT on AI)

well let me tell you about my experience in injecting DH...... haha

Yeeehaawwww. I finally got revenge... Sweet revenge. OMG... I enjoyed it so much and I actually made him get mad at me..

Ok to start out with, DH was diagnosed with low testosterone..... thus he was given a protocol of needing to take 20 amps of bravelle and 20,000 units of HCG over a 30 day period. SOOOO, we got his meds now and I got out the needles and mixed them for him. I told him he can inject himself and he said no, I want you to do it... GLADLY I said under my breath knowing that I would seek revenge for all those danged PIO shots he gives me in our IVF cycles. OH THE JOY... The self seeking pleasure of me finally getting to inject DH.


I grabbed the mixed syringes and alcohol pad, gave him a wipe to steralize the belly, let it dry (yes I was nice enough to let it dry b4 injecting so it would not sting so much, haha) and then injected the HCG first. It was easy going in.. Now mind you he also skirted off pretty well since they let him take these injections SubQ instead of IM like the HCG is that you and I take. ... That HCG went in very easy. I pulled out the needle and OMGosh, WE HAD A BLEEDER.. Bahahahahahaha..... The look on his face was precious. It was of utter shock and disbelief that I did this to him (ok, only my one pay back of a BLEEDER to his 20 or so he has given me!) . So I gave him a towel to cover it while I readied his other side of the belly for the Bravelle shot. Wiped it with the sterile wipe... .let it dry and OMG the skin was so tough.. but I stuck it in anyway.. He said "OUCH" I said "OOPS" and giggled. OMG... This is me, innocent little bec that got to giggle from his pain? OMG... I am still LOL over this.

Girls... that was a bleeder also.. Poor guy was sitting there with both sides of his belly covered in paper towels to stop the bleeding. well the bleeding only lasted a few mintues each and really was not all that dramatic... but it was funny to have this all played out in a reverse roll after 5 years of shots being given to ME!

My Joy for Easter Sunday.


giggle giggle.
bec

Easter brings the ol' witch...

so sweet... instead of a basket full of candy, mine is a drawer full of tampons. SORRY , Yes, it is too much info for you, but for me blogging this is seems to be the only way to keep track of my cycles. When I am on a Benched, no cycle plan I don't care, but this is getting me closer to the idea of a cycle of IVF happening soon. like weeks from starting our first shots if we go with the lupron protocol.

Speaking of lupron, have you ever been on that nasty stuff? It is a drug used in IVF prep to inactivate the ovaries... I know, why inactivate them? Well you need to keep them quiet for a few weeks until you are ready to shock your system with MEGA Hormones. I mean MEGA. So you throw your system into a memopausal stage and then do a 180 degree turn with major doses of hormones to kick the ovaries into gear to produce as many as 20-30 follies and hopefully as many eggs in those follies to go to retrieval so the eggies and spermies can meet by ICSIin the most romantic setting possible for makaing a baby... in a Lab! HAHAHAHA

Oh back to lurpon and the side effects.. OMG can you say HOT FLASH city and one of the oddest headaches you will ever have ! Now I understand why menopausal women have such a hard time with hormone shifts!

Ok, back to studying for my Intermediate Windows XP class final tomorrow night.

gotta root for them

I must root for them... They are in this for a great cause Read about this couples quest for 1 million and why IVF is important to them. How can I not root for them knowing that DH and I are attempting our 5th IVF?

GO Uchenna and Joyce!

yes, I am a junk TV lover and Amazing race is one of those that feed my addition

flowers

do you ever buy flowers for yourself? you know, cut flowers from the florist... or even the 6.00 pack from Schnucks or something like that?

I just love carnations 'cuz they Last so long and if you buy white carnations you can add food coloring to the water and it will literally turn the flower petals the color of the water of food dye.

hehe

the ol' witch is knocking

cousin spot is here.... and boy let me tell you about the PMS I have on this here provera I am done taking now... OMG.. I can't even stand myself. You know, those days when you just want to sleep because every time you do something, touch something, breathe.... it falls apart and just goes plain wrong... well that is me today.

I can't stand myself. AF is a knockin' and I acutally need her to barge in and take over. I hope this blood clot resolves too.

I go back the 5th instead of the 4th.. Dr. Ahlering is not in on the 4th so they called to reschedule me on the 5th. Fine.. I will go in and then take the rest of the day off for a ME day... hehe.. A nice massage sounds good, right? I deserve one, right?

Speaking of massages, where should I go? Scandals? Face & body or do you have a suggestion? Local to St. Louis and only max of 20 miles away, ok?


bec

oh crapppooolllaaa

my fluid US did not go good. I have a blood clot in the uterus that formed where the septum was taken out. Dang it. the RE tried to jar it loose, but could not on the US screen... We could see it move, but not break loose. He is really hoping that when I stop the provera and get AF that the AF will jar it loose also... I sure hope so, if not then it is surgery AGAIN. frick.

Not the news I was hoping for. Just bad news after bad news. I am done with that already.

I go back on the 4th and will do another fluid US so please keep me in your thoughts to get this thing gone by then.

In the meantime, I get to start injucting DH with Bravelle and HCG shots for his low testosterone. LOL

catch you all soon

loss followed by loss will not get me down.

today, only a few days after my grandma passed, DH and I had to put our 13 year old Black cat to sleep.

Whitey, aka FATSO( because she use to weigh lots of lbs) was sick with either cancer or FIP or cancer of the abdominal lining and organs. I miss her so much already. I took her up there to Webster vet and they did xrays, US and fluid tap on the abdomen. My cat was suffering this past week and now we know why. The vet said she was sure that Fatso had cancer, but was not sure if she also had the FIP. After discussing this with DH, he joined me at the vet and we decided to stop the suffering that Fatso was going through. I held her in my arms while she was given her shot to ease her heartbeat and then it stopped, she went limp in my arms and was in heaven! I am sad, I cried my way home in the car, but we will have her cremated and I will buy a nice memorial box to keep her close to us soon.

here is a picture

Wednesday March 16th... my grandma passed away...

I am sad to lose her. She was my only remaining grandparent and now I will have no ggrandparents for our children to meet one day. Sad.

Gram , Hazel was 88 going on 89 this month and lived a full wonderful life. Mom to Norma, Juanita, Dale, Darlene, Carol, and Janice.

Bless her soul.

bec

dh has to do shots... hehe

no, I am not trying to be evil, but now he has to take shots for his low testosterone... He has to do bravelle shots and HCG shots for LH which helps with raising the testoserone... but the big question now is that why didn't our previous RE find this wrong with him? hmmmm sure, ICSI can help bypass lots of male factor problems, but this might have contributed to fertilzation problems. Frick. Now I have to find Bravelle for a cheaper price than IVPcares price of 1100.00 ... NOT PAYING THAT MUCH.

Ok then on the update for me.. I start my provera and estrace tonight. This is to help from surgery and then prep me for a new cycle.

YEAH.

moving right along.

Concerts... which do you save up for?

There are only 2 concerts I care to see anymore....

#2 on my list is PRINCE

#1 on my list is U2


#2 on the list... If you grew up in the 80s as a teen and followed prince's music from the late 70's too then you are a true fan! Sure, he had had his ups and downs with his music and "PR" during the late 80s and early 90's but let me tell you he has a FUNK root that just beats in my soul that is very rich and true to his music. That man can play nearly 27 different instruments, he write, records, produces, acts, sings, manages... what else can you expect of him? Another thing that touches me about him is that he and his wife lost a child after birth. It relates to DH and I in our stuggles to become parents too. I have also been to 5 of his concerts and every time they get better and better. Heck, I went by myself this last Musicology tour because I wanted to see him and let me tell you I think that was one of THE best if not THE BEST concerts I have seen in my concert going years of any genre of music.


#1 on the list.... What can I say... U2. They rock and are being induction into the Rock -n- Roll hall of Fame this weekend!!!!!! I leaned of U2 when they were on their 2nd album... then I became ingrossed in their music and have not stopped since. Sure they also have their not so good and then some of the best songs out there, but I like that they take risks and really produce what they want to at that time in their careers.

post hysteroscopy

My hysteroscopy/septum resection went very well. I did have a delay due to a mishap with instructions on when I could eat last. LOL I was told I could eat up until 8 am but it was suppose to be 8 hours before could be the last thing to eat. Oops.. the 8 am deadline was what was written on my appointment card! Dr. A was wonderful about talking the anesthiologist in to letting me wait unitl around 4 pm to have surgery... Amy I think her name was... she was very nice about it,.... just had to find a babysitter in order to stay later for my surgery. I know I bumped several people on their consult times and I am so sorry for that... but I could not come back another day for surgery and I think my tears hit dr. A in the heart and made him feel bad for me. yikes.

today there is less bleeding than last night and now I have a mix of CM! JOY... not. What a tease that CM can be when you can't do the dirty deed with DH and when you are also TUBELESS IN ST. LOUIS.

I look forward to being about to cyclc soon. DR. A was very kind in saying that we will cycle sooner that later even if we would have had to delay the surgery.

I like their office set up and look forward to retrieval day.
I have to call Monday for my updated reports and Dh's test results and to schedule a fluid US before we can move forward for our cycle.... yet thinking that a cycle is so close is exciting.

Oh... Hugs to mae! Roller coaster rides SUX
Pulling for you and your family for good news soon!... I am here for you.

l8tr

novel part 1

had my fluid US / MET(mock embryo transfer today) and it was not good news.

I have a residual septum that needs to be resected again.. AGAIN.. frick. I am so mad at my body right now I can't see straight. My septum is 2cm thick again from the top of the uterus and needs to come out to give us a better chance of a great implantation area for our FINAL fresh IVF cycle.

I am booked for the in office surgery / hysteroscopy for this coming Friday at 1:15 pm I have to be there at 12:15 and I have to ask my mom to drive me and pick me up. UGH DH said he can't get off work due to projects going on. I gues I will take the whole day again. if not I have to come in early then drive myself back home and then have my mom take me there and back home. Can't drive due to sedation. Ok, this is minor, but yet another set back/disappointment.

BTW, Dr. A walked in for the US and shook my hand and then gave me a "brother" hand shake too. LOL funny guy. He was sorry we have to do surgery and was glad I concur with his suggestions to make this uterine cavity of mine the best possible environment for our next try.

I then went to my OB/gyn for my annual and showed him the septum picture and agrees that this is a good step forward to go ahead with the surgery. He said it is sure there again and if I felt it was a good idea then go for it to be able to move forward to have a fresh uterine environment for a transfer.

My OB then said he did not mean to intrude, but wanted to know if DH and I had thought about surrogacy with our 3 frozen blasts .... I was glad he said this, but I totally shocked him when I told him it would be an average of 30,000 for the surrogate fee unless I could find a family member to carry for us or a dear friend. I got a good pat on the back from the OB saying he admires the strength DH and I have to move forward! That felt good.

I will try and hold my head up high and move forward knowing we are blessed to have this cycle granted to us.

I went and visited our memorial at the SHARE Angel of Hope where we have a bricked layed in memory of our angels in heaven(THanks to the friends here and in St. Lousi that helped purchase that for us) ... Beautiful breezy day with the sun nice and warm. I sat there and talked to our angels and asked them to please bring us an EARTH angel. I shed some good tears and feel much better now..

Quitting my second job on Tuesday....


Thanks to everyone for being here and understanding the frustrations and tears we shed.


bec

oh to have an angel from heaven come to us to be our surrogate is my dream. Really.. I have had 2 dreams lately and has my sister! Never giving up hope!