dealing with memories (miscarriage, pregnancy, adoption mentioned below!)

remembering our expectant due dates with miscarriages.......

The majority of us women that suffer through miscarriages have this spot in our hearts that will never let us forget when we got pregnant, when we miscarried, when our pregnancy due date was(is) and how it felt to be pregnant. I keep this in my heart. I don't speak it to the public because so many just don't understand the pain associated with the losses of our kind. They mean well, but their words of comfort sometimes come out wrong and become stab wounds I have to again heal from so I just don't mention it anymore. Yes, I am so thankful we did get pregnant. I know so many women that go through fertility treatments don't ever achieve pregnancy and I do respect that. Again, I am just speaking my mind and heart here on my blog.
I do remind my husband of these dates when they happen, I whisper them in his ear that morning of each anniversary date of these sad events. He will then in turn hug me and tells me he loves me. He knows I will remember this and always tell him when these days approach. This is my portal to be able to SHOUT out to the world that our sweet babies is in heaven. No, I don't get mad at my husband for not mentioning it, I just think this is a woman's vice we have, we just always remember these types of things. I do let him know so that he can be my rock that day and remember with me that we were able to get pregnant and we were so thankful for that. He grieves right along with me too for our losses. I usually will shed a tear or two, but only in silence in my own corner of my cube or bed or at the computer late at night when I can't sleep and am thinking of my angels in heaven.

This year on Mother's day I want to release 9 balloons towards the heavens in recognition of all the angels we have in our hearts.

I always asked God "WHY, WHY must I suffer so many miscarriages", but I will never regret having tried to get pregnant. I do regret that it took us nearly 8 years of losses to realize the ultimate goal of which was to become PARENTS. Yes, we were parents to our angels in heaven, but we so longed to become parents to an Earth Angel and we give Thanks every day for Julia in our lives. Again, I have said this before, had we not gone through all the days of trying to conceive, our two ectopic pregnancies, our five miscarriages(including two sets of twins that were due May 7th and May 10th in two different years),we would not have gone down the path of domestic open adoption like we did. I know, it is a seesaw of good and bad, the bad was outweighing the good for some many months of trying to conceive, then finally if we were blessed enough to get pregnant, we would miscarry. It was enough to bring me down to a very hard low in emotions and physical being, But I did not let that stop my dream of becoming a mother and watching my husband become a father. We did not want to live childless after infertility and miscarriages. We stood strong and did our research to know that I could not carry a baby so we looked at surrogacy and then international and or domestic adoption. We chose domestic open adoption and we did become parents.

Nearly nine and a half long years, we remember our angels in heaven each day and celebrate our transition into parenthood with the birth and raising of our beautiful daughter.

God works his wonders in mysterious ways for some. I do believe he had a plan for us and I am thankful we finally reached that plan.

I extend a Happy Mother's Day wish to all of us out there that have angels in heaven and now earthly angels too.

ladies, don't give up hope that you will one day be a mother to the child you are destined to meet.

tears are shed not just a few.
you once grew in me
I lost you, but I love you