All the years growing up, I would make a mothers day card from scratch for my mom in school. About 3 weeks before mother's day we would take plastic egg cartons and cut them up into two by two by two..etc... We would be in class, lay out some newspaper to protect the floor and scoop dirt from a bag the teacher would bring in into the cartons, take the end of a pencil and put a hole in the dirt about 1/2 way down. We then took a gerber daisy seed and plant it in that dirt. We watered them every afternoon in class and then when the Friday before Mother's day came around, we were given our precious hand grown seedlings in a small brown paper bag to take home. We were instructed to NOT give them to our mothers until Sunday. Let me tell you, it was such a joy to make that card to go along with that seedling and see the smile on my mom's face as she opened that brown bag that very Sunday morning when I woke up. Sure, she really did know what she was getting in that bag, but it was sure bliss on my part to know I put so much love and care into that gift and it made her day.
Well, let me state that my Mother's day is going to be that, PURE BLISS. I plan on soaking in every moment with my husband and daughter knowing we are a family we had so hoped for in so many previous sad heartbroken Mother's days past. When we started trying to conceive back in 1999, I was ignorant to the idea of ever having problems of having a baby in our lives. When Mother's day in 2000 approached, I was heartbroken again to know we had lost two angels to heaven by then. I started to build that fear of thinking we would never be able to have a baby. I would never be able to celebrate my very first Mother's day. Then the next 6 years past with diminished hope year after year, day after day, minute after minute.
I realized after our last loss in November 2005 that it was time to find a new way to build that family we had dreamed of for so long. We wanted to be able to share our love for parenting. We wanted to go to family gathering with a son or daughter attached to our hip. We longed for the nights we would rock our baby to sleep and watch them wake up with a smile. We looked forward to the challenges. I can now say that after having finalized Julia's adoption this past month, I am slowly let my guard down of expectant disappointment. Fear of my body failing me once again, fear of letting my husband go one more year without becoming a father. But now I can bask in the bliss of smelling our daughters bald head of the beautiful baby lotion after her bath. I can do those things. This is what makes it blissful.
I am a mother and it feels so wonderful to say that. (Thank you to Julia's birthmother for making this all possible.)
Ladies, those of you that are still trying to become that mother you always dreamed you would be, hang in there. The wait, the pain, the fears will be soothed over for you eventually. I know, the waiting is just not fair -It Sucks!, but I will stand by you to not give up hope for you to achieve that goal. This little baby you dream of is out there and will eventually touch your heart in the most special way and will make your first Mother's day THE BEST EVER.
Grant us the hope
Spare us the pain
don't let us mope
Love for a child is what we want to gain
Waiting is painful
Days are long
hope of Rewards are blissful
It makes us all that strong
Sometimes our chin hangs low
But Your dream is there
Grasp it now and fro
for the dreams bring you that hug able bear!