fertility or lack of..... revisited

a few weeks back we got a notice from our fertility clinic that they were going to move our ONE frozen embryo to Colorado. Plus it would cost us 300.00 to store it there. We have until November 30th to make the decision of what we want to do with this embie. If we don't respond then they have the right to destroy our embie. ARRGGHHHH. We are not the only couple that got this same notice from what I hear.

So we booked an appointment with a different local IF doc that deals with surrogacy. The appointment is Monday. Wish us luck. We don't have a surrogate yet, but we hope and pray that this clinic will allow us to move our one embie to their storage and keep it there until we can find a surrogate to try a frozen embryo transfer.

I am scared to think about visiting a fertility clinic again, but this might mean a future for our one embie to become a fetus and our future held in arms baby. I so wish we had more embies.

I have more to post on this issue later.....talking about lack of storage at the clinic our embie is at for the time being, but I will chat later about this.

Off to the local adoption support group meeting.

tubeless in st. louis

t

oh the addiction

I curse the lady that gave me this site.

http://www.weffriddles.com

aaaaccchhhhuuuuu

loverly weather... really it is not that bad, except for the seasonal (which for me is all year long) allergies. What is blooming or is the mold count sky high today?

I was fine yesterday, but today, man watch out puffs box, you are my buddy today.

Yesterday was DH's bday.. 42! And he was the best man in a friends wedding and man did he look very good all dressed up! Happy Birthday!

So I am cleaning out the nursery of the items I have gotten either from family, yard sales, and or bought. I had a pathway to the rocker for when I pump and that was getting to become too little of a path. So up to storage go the toys my cousin so graciously handed down to us for our future baby. Packing up the items I have not sold on Ebay to my mom to keep. Moving the furniture around a little bit to make it more open floor spacious for a b-line floor path from the crib to the changing table to the rocker again.

Need to register for the Perspectives on Adoption conference hosted by SSM St. Mary's Health Center on November 4th 2006. 9-3:30 pm. This is put on by the lady / nurse that hosted and taught our adoptive parenting class. It will be nice to see her. Seems ages ago that we took that class (July - August).
If you want more details, let me know.

PCOS support group in town was suppose to meet the last Tuesday of this month, but due to Halloween she has cancelled that meeting. She=Dr. Jan. BUT I heard that she might combine her first Tuesday of the month IF Support meeting with a PCOS meeting. I am ok with doing that. I need some perspectives on how to get this weight back down. PCOS makes it very difficult for women to lose weight, yet put it on very easily. So that means I can use her help in creating an eating plan and exercise plan to get back to my goal weight. Heck, I have like 80 lbs to lose, but I know I need a while to do that. I know I can at least start and of course the nutritional food she suggests will also be good for breastfeeding and baby to come.

I freakin' hate cleaning house. Rest assured my actions so far today are helping make this house a better place already.

Yesterday I successfully pumped 6 oz. Ahhh, nice to see that kind of return. I pumped more that I usually do being the weekend, so maybe today being Sunday I can do the same or close to it. I am still happy with having produced about 5.5 oz on Friday though since I can't pump at work.

CHeers to a great day and

GO CARDINALS
GO CARDINALS

lack of words

you know sometimes in life you hit those areas of being speechless? well, that is the time of my life right now. I am one that tends to think and think and think, but never stop to write things down. I say "you better blog that", but then I never stop to do that and those thoughts are lost. My lack of worded posts come from the fact that I tend to make mental lists of things to do and NEVER seem to put them down on paper. Well, last week I talked to my therapist about this(yes, I still see a therapist after all our infertility issues turned adoption issues, best money ever spent!) and she really got on me about not making paper lists and or journaling. So I started my lists and promised myself I will print them Friday night and start working on the to-do lists to knock some of these things I have let go of. Do you tend to do this also? How do you cope?

I am at a new stage in my life and am ready to get myself back in shape. I am done with this body of mine. It disgusts me. I am sick and tired of it so it is time for a change. No, no diet... just a better alternative to eating. I am PCOS and believe me it is so hard to get the weight down. So my therapist runs a PCOS support group and I am going to get my butt in gear and join in next meeting. POST if you want details for this meeting. She gives wonderful info on proper eating and most importantly, exercising.

Exercising is something I don't like nor do at this point in my life, BUT I want to be a mommy one day that can walk up stairs with child in arms and not be winded once I reach the top of the steps. I want to be able to get up and down on the floor and play. I think the best kind of communication with a child / toddler is one of eye level communication. That means I will have to get down on their level and my gosh when you are overweight it is nearly impossible.

Speaking of impossible............ we will get a call one day soon. It is not impossible to adopt. RING PHONE RING.

To remember those lost babies

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Thanks KD for mentioning this on your site! I know there are so many families that have suffered losses at many stages of either pregnancy or infantcy and it is so sad. I know first hand. Way too many losses in my book.

Blessings to those that have lost and thank you to those that remember.

more and more

4.5 oz each day and over 60 oz (maybe more if I go do a count) in the deep freeze

pumping and storing

quick reference guide for myself to link to:
kellymom
Storage guidelines
HUMAN MILK STORAGE - QUICK REFERENCE CARD
Temperature Storage Time
Freshly expressed milk
Warm room 79°F / 25°C 4-6 hours
Room temperature 66-72°F / 19-22°C 10 hours
Insulated cooler / icepacks 60°F / 15°C 24 hours
Refrigerated Milk (Store at back, away from door)
Refrigerator (fresh milk) 32-39°F / 0-4°C 8 days
Refrigerator (thawed milk) 32-39°F / 0-4°C 24 hours
Frozen Milk (Do not refreeze! Store at back, away from door/sides)
Freezer compartment
inside refrigerator (older-style) Varies 2 weeks
Self-contained freezer unit
of a refrigerator/freezer Varies 3-6 months
Separate deep freeze 0°F / 19°C 6-12 months

when all else fails

When all else fails to keep my sanity, I know it is then time to book an appointment with my therapist. Sure, she was my IF therapist, but she is a well rounded topic therapist too. She deals with all kinds of issues, not just infertility. Some days I think I have it all together, but lately I don't. I need to release my frustrations with the adoption wait, my lack of interest in losing weight, and my lack of cleaning the weighted full of junk household. OMG. My house is a mess. I admit it to anyone. I need to get my therapist to go over a structured schedule with me. Discuss the fact that I KNOW we will make it through the wait for a baby through adoption no matter how long it takes.

My head hurts when I walk into this house. I think I have an answer to my problems, but I just need to talk it out with someone and DH is NOT the person to help me as we usually turn our talks into fighting matches. Who can one up the other with arguments etc.... Know what I mean?

Oh shit.. I am not making sense am I?

I need a vacation and wouldn't it be nice to have one with a call that a baby is on the way? Camping soon so maybe we will get a match call soon. RING PHONE RING

Speaking of vacaction and babies......... I have 7 weeks of FMLA time remaining between now and May 22nd 2007. I used 5 weeks back in May of this year for my hysterectomy. If we are blessed to have a baby placed with us between now and May 22, 2007 then I only get 7 weeks remaining of the 12 weeks for FMLA. Now mind you this 7 weeks will be UNPAID as ADOPTION is not a medical reason to be paid for FMLA. So I am planning hard to save up the funds for at least 5 of those 7 weeks off without pay. I have 10 days of paid vacation right now and can carry them over until March 1 2007 if needed to use while on FMLA time off. BUT I get another 20 days of vacation time starting January 1st 2007. YEAH.. that means I can try and use up some of that vaction if we are placed with a baby between now and May 22nd. Less time without pay in those 7 weeks. Ok, is your head spinning from that mumbojumbo? LOL

I am off to go put together this shelf I painted and am decoupaging to match the nursery. FUN.

music to my ears

Someone sang the song I wanted to hear for so long in my ears this weekend. Someone told me yesterday (Saturday) that our baby could very well be in the process of being conceived or could very well be on the way to being delivered very very soon or could have been born right about now. Our baby will come to us by way of a birthmothers adoption plan.

WOW.... I hope they know something we don't yet know. Maybe, just maybe there really is a baby out there being conceived that will become our future child, maybe that baby is gestating and could be born soon, maybe our baby might be born already?! Yes, it is possible.

We hope and pray this is true. Today at my cousins wedding I listened to the vows they took and it made me realize that for as long as we have been married (just past 15 years ourselves in Sept) we have always wanted children. Never in my mind could I have imagined at that moment of our vows, on the alter at St. Margaret's Church, would I have thought that it would take us through a journey of nearly 8 years of trying to conceive a child to hold in our arms. And never would I have imagined that that journey would walk us through such heartaches and pain of miscarriage and failed cycles to bring us to a journey to meet and love and cherish our future child through the blessing of adoption. I can't wait to see how our emotions run after we are placed with a child. I can't wait to look back at this post and say, wow, these emotions were so raw, so curious, so stripped of knowledge, so kindergarten out of a possible 12th grade education level. Does that make sense?

A "Journey" is what this really is. A journey of our faith, love, dedication and perseverance. Learning the ability to break the barriers that we never imagined we would have to hurdle. Melt away the wax of a tall pillared candle that bares the inner most strength of the corded core. Rebuild our faith of the lost moments of each of our losses of heartbeats I carried in my womb.

Stepping back over the last 8 months or so, I now realize that becoming a parent is our goal and has always been from the moment we reached out our hands and said our vows to each other. The moment we sealed our marriage with a kiss. It took many years to let go of the dream pregnancy, feeling that kicking baby in my belly, hearing the heartbeat grow stronger and stronger. I will not experience that physically myself, but maybe with a child being conceived that will ultimately become us by an adoption plan one birthmother will make and come our way sooner than later.

Ok, it is 12:38 am and I need to go to bed.

I want to thank you all for hanging in there with us through our Journey.

don't you hate that?

In todays society you must have an ID and password for everything. Well, I done gone and done it. I lost my password to this blog. It took me a few days to figure it out, but I am back to work.

My new jewel.......... A Mazda Tribute. I got rid of my little ford focus and upgraded to a multi passenger car finally. Well, enough to have at least 1 baby in a car seat and 3 dogs. The vehicle is not a huge suv and it actually gets the same exact gas milage as my focus did. BUT the benefit is that it has room in the back to put the dogs and keep them back there with a cargo net. Ahhhh. Freedom of no dogs in my front seat finally.
I am excited about the new vehicle. We stayed in budget and when I called to change over the car insurance from the ford focus to the mazda tribute, my insurance costs went down 23 bucks every 6 months. WOW. Bigger vehicle, but lower insurance? Yup. I asked why and they said it was because the tribute is higher is safety ratings. huh? Dang, I was in danger in my little ford focus? Nice to have known that now after having driven it for 2.5 years. BUT it eases my mind knowing that when we do finally have a larger family by way of a baby then we will be much safer than that focus was. Now if I could only get seat belts for the dogs too.

Ok, off to find some dinner and shop on ebay for a few things like ink cartridges for my printer. Poor printer, I have run the color ink dry.

check this pack out

Western Kids Ladybug backpack $12.00 (+4.25 in s/h if needed)


email me if interested

I am here, and there, and there and small plug of the day

been a busy past few weeks. Well, if you call camping busy... that was last weekend. This weekend I babysat Friday night for a very nice couple and 2 kiddo's. Had a blast. They booked me for another night too! I sure hope they like me as I really liked them and the kids. Talk about some well behaved, mindful and sharing kiddo's. WOW. I will be chatting with mommy for some parenting skill help when we finally have our baby in arms.

No news from the adoption agency. Fingers crossed that something comes up soon.

Pumping is going well. Yesterday I managed to pump just over 3 oz total for the day. Up from the last few days. Gotta find a way to pump at work though. Might have to buy a good hand expression pump. I only get 1/2 hour for lunch so it is hard to squeeze a pumping session in and lunch too. Might be a kind of new eating routine at work then to dedicate my lunch to my pumping if I can figure out how to and where to pump. LOL

Ok, listing a few more things on ebay.

,my ebay items
I listed a really cute set of Halloween costume Angel Princess Fairy wings. More John Lennon items. The Barbie princess pillows and a few other things.
Come take a look and spread the word.

Going over to my moms tomorrow night to make more of the John Lennon Bottle Holders that are selling better now on ebay. Need to list a few more this coming week.

Thanks for all your support ladies.

BTW, if you are local in the area and would like a babysitter, email me through this blog and mention babysitting in the subject line. I am infant cpr certified, babysat since I was 13 years old and LOVE kids. Love to play games with them, love to draw and color with them, and I love to help at YOUR home! I can drive myself there and back so you don't have to. I know that can be hard to do when you have a teen babysitting and not able to drive themselves back home.

Ok, done with my plug for the day.

do you do Fall Cleaning instead of Spring Cleaning?

Yup.. the bug has bit. Fall Cleaning is in full swing. I love it. I want a clean house (yes, items still linger in my basement from May's yard sale). I want to dust (ahhh-chhoooo, dang allergies), I want to vacuum, I want to pull down the curtains and wash them. I have already done my weekly bed linens, but now I want to get the fall sheets out and put them on the bed. I opened the windows so dusting is a must in the next few nights. Time to replace the furnace filter and prep for FALL weather. Yes, I wish for fall weather. I want fall earthtoned leaves on the trees. I LOVE FALL. Bring it on.

Fall to me brings the idea of pumpkins, gourds, cornstalks and hay. Scarecrows, and the saying in my family "Happy Fall Y'all". Yes, I have southern MO hicks in my family and yes they do say that. Bah

Bring on the cool weather.

Bring on the grandma's sugar cookies scented candles.

Bring on the fresh baked pumpkin pie that my dh makes. Yum. (no, I don't cook!)

bring it on.

Camping is the best this time of year. Cool walking weather. perfect campfire nights.

ahhhhhh

Back to cleaning the house.

nearly 1

pumping and pumping and getting close to 1 ounce each day so far. I need to get up and get my pumping session in the middle of the night going too now. I am so not a middle of the night person, but hey if this means I am in prep for when our baby comes home, I am up to it.

be back later gotta unpack from a great camping weekend.

September 14

15 years ago today the weather was Sunny and the high temp reached 94 degrees officially. You ask, "Why is she talking about this?" Well it was my wedding day. My day started by waking up to the smell of bacon and
eggs cooking. My dad, "God Rest His Soul", was making breakfast for myself and the bridesmaids(5 of them and myself did a sleep over at my parents house. Our ceremony was at 11:30 am. It was about 90 degrees by that time and I was sweating my behind off. My parents lived about 8 houses up from the church so we walked down there to the "bridal prep" area and cooled off.
Thank goodness the church was air conditioned. The ceremony went off without a hitch for the most part. We had to rush out of church as another wedding started at 12:30 so only my handsome Groom and I got to take Alter
pictures. But we did get some great inside ceremony pictures that I love.

We got married at St. Margaret's Catholic Church in South St. Louis City. After the ceremony I had asked the bridal party to go to Tower Grove Park fountain to take pictures and NOBODY wanted to go. I was sad, but
agreed it was TOO HOT by then and I was ready to get out of my dress. So we walked up the street to my parents house again and proceeded to take pictures in
front of the house I grew up in. LOVE THOSE PICTURES by the way! We got pictures with MANY family members too. Much easier than hauling every relative over to the park and taking pictures. I am talking about 3rd and
4th cousins and such. Yes, I have a huge extended family that attended that day. I counted the hours I was in my dress that day. 4 total. Yes, I changed to shorts and a t-shirt after a while due to the heat. So dh the whole wedding party except for my maid of honor.

Then the reception, Oh let me tell you the reception was a BLAST. It was in the house and backyard of my childhood home/my parents home. Historic Shaw Neighborhood by Hwy 44 and Grand! If you have ever seen those houses you know they are HUGE and beautiful. We ordered 4 half barrels of bud light from Tom Boy's Market. Now mind you the reception really did not start until 4 pm so between 12:30 and 4 pm we KILLED 2 half barrels of beer and had to call and reserve another 2 half barrels for the reception. AND of course we ate 15 Imo's Pizzas for our afternoon snack.Yes. 15 pizzas. So by time 4 pm rolled around we opened the next keg of
beer and partied the night over and over. 2 regrets. We should have hired a DJ, but No, we were afraid the bitty old neighbors across the alley (not friends) would have a fit and call the police dept. So we opted to do our own TAPE music. Folks, we did not have a CD burner back then so we had to do cassette tapes for music. Bahahahaha. We had a great time though. Friends would go to their cars and get cd's they had and would play a few songs too. Then my brother-in-law broke out the beerbongs. OMG. I can only say that I had to drive to the hotel that night because my NEW HUSBAND was drunk off his arse.

We spent the next week on our "In State" honeymoon at the Lodge of the Four
Seasons and 3 days Camping at Meramec State Park. I loved it. It turned from 94 degrees the day of the wedding to lows in the 30s in the Ozarks. Talk about COLD. We had to buy clothes to wear for a few days. hehe

double pumpin' it up....

yes, I am double pumpin' it up! Pumping MILK that is. Sweet milk for our future baby. No, no match with a baby yet, but I am trying the adoptive breastfeeding protocol and BAM.. it is working. Day 5, I think, of pumping and I am working up to a great number of drops now in each side EACH time I pump. at least 4 pumping sessions a day.

See, I am doing the induced lactation long protocol well, 3 month protocol as I had to stop the bcp's due to swelling. BUT it is working. I am one that likes to at least try something and let me tell you I am pleasantly surprised how quickly I have produced drops and now am working up to sqirts. If you are a pumping/breastfeeding momma (or momma to be like me) then you know what I mean by sqirts of milk.

I now need to consider renting a hospital grade pump to help with the expression. Have any of you done that? Rented a pump to use? If so, how did it work for you? More production?

I know it might be months until we are matched and even have a baby, but I strongly believe in trying to keep pumping and then hopefully have our baby latch on and gain their nutrition from me. Thankfully my husband is 100% supportive of this. He cracks up at me in the nursery pumping each night b4 he heads to bed, but he was very surprised at the amount I have been able to freeze with each passing day. Me too! hehe

My ebay sales have slowed, but that is ok. I am still selling the baby bottle holders. I hope that becomes a very consistant thing.

Cheers to the FALL weather. Cheers to being able to camp finally after all the hot weather. Cheers to one less day we have to wait until we are matched with a potential birthmother/family and will be able to meet our future child. CHIN UP and always trying to remember to look forward.

purging purses

kenneth cole camel color purse

kenneth cole mauve purse

What do you think? purging more later

it makes me scared

a cyber friend that is going through adoption had a failed match this week. This, my friends, REALLY openend my eyes up to how topsy turvy the adoption process can really be. This is frightening to the core. Your hopes and dreams are shattered in one fell swoop. You get excited, you go into a frenzy to buy things, you pack your bags, put work on hold and go. Go face the POSSIBLE and sometimes what feels like the impossible dream. Then to have the rug pulled right out from under you, yet you have to catch yourself and remain upright in respect of the birthmothers decision to parent or even select a different set of parents for the baby. Also you have to remain upright in the fact that you must keep your focus forward as you have to put your profile out there ASAP again. See, many couples and or agencies pull your profile from public view once you are matched with a protential birth mother (pbm). Thus taking you off the market for PBM to look at your profile while you are matched.

So one from a failed match must dust off the dirty feet after your rug is pulled out from underneath you, pat yourself on the back for having done the best to not go INSANE in public(because you know you have cried buckets of tears in private), Grab your partners hand and get back out in the world of potential adoptive parents profile pools. Sure, that sounds easy, but the heartaches you just suffered through has got to be eating you alive. It is a grin and bare it situation. Grit your teeth at the failed match and then dust off your pants and move forward. I have heard of some couples that have taken months to grieve and rightfully so. I feel so bad for them and this my friends is what makes me scared. I fear grieving again.

Grieving. It is an internal gut wrenching process to go through when you have suffered losses of any kind. I have suffered through nearly 8 years of infertility that brought us to a different level of grief I would never EVER wish upon anyone. 9 angels in heaven my friends. No one woman should suffer thought ONE loss let alone 7 losses of 9 angels(2 ecoptics, 1 baby boy 8 weeks gestation, twins (1 baby girl) lost at 8w3d, twins lost at 10w, 1 chemical pgcy and 1 mc at 6w1d gestation). I grieve these losses in my own way and I so want adoption much more of a positive experience through adoption. I fear the unexpected, I hope and pray that we will be blessed with NO FAILED matches. But deep down in my heart I have to prepare myself for just the possibility.

Prayers to my cyber friend that had her failed match. I hope your hands are filled with the love and joy of a baby very soon.

one week from tomorrow

MOTC sale at Lindbergh (sp?) high school. 1-3 pm 1.00 addmission. YEAH.