Someone sang the song I wanted to hear for so long in my ears this weekend. Someone told me yesterday (Saturday) that our baby could very well be in the process of being conceived or could very well be on the way to being delivered very very soon or could have been born right about now. Our baby will come to us by way of a birthmothers adoption plan.
WOW.... I hope they know something we don't yet know. Maybe, just maybe there really is a baby out there being conceived that will become our future child, maybe that baby is gestating and could be born soon, maybe our baby might be born already?! Yes, it is possible.
We hope and pray this is true. Today at my cousins wedding I listened to the vows they took and it made me realize that for as long as we have been married (just past 15 years ourselves in Sept) we have always wanted children. Never in my mind could I have imagined at that moment of our vows, on the alter at St. Margaret's Church, would I have thought that it would take us through a journey of nearly 8 years of trying to conceive a child to hold in our arms. And never would I have imagined that that journey would walk us through such heartaches and pain of miscarriage and failed cycles to bring us to a journey to meet and love and cherish our future child through the blessing of adoption. I can't wait to see how our emotions run after we are placed with a child. I can't wait to look back at this post and say, wow, these emotions were so raw, so curious, so stripped of knowledge, so kindergarten out of a possible 12th grade education level. Does that make sense?
A "Journey" is what this really is. A journey of our faith, love, dedication and perseverance. Learning the ability to break the barriers that we never imagined we would have to hurdle. Melt away the wax of a tall pillared candle that bares the inner most strength of the corded core. Rebuild our faith of the lost moments of each of our losses of heartbeats I carried in my womb.
Stepping back over the last 8 months or so, I now realize that becoming a parent is our goal and has always been from the moment we reached out our hands and said our vows to each other. The moment we sealed our marriage with a kiss. It took many years to let go of the dream pregnancy, feeling that kicking baby in my belly, hearing the heartbeat grow stronger and stronger. I will not experience that physically myself, but maybe with a child being conceived that will ultimately become us by an adoption plan one birthmother will make and come our way sooner than later.
Ok, it is 12:38 am and I need to go to bed.
I want to thank you all for hanging in there with us through our Journey.