Not looking for Pity, but just sharing our last 7 or so years of life

This will eventually lead into the current days of life and waiting to welcome our first child into our home by adoption........................ ready? Set........ read on..........

January 1999, stopped birth control pills to "see what will happen when we have sex". Ha, little did we know trying to have a baby would consume 99% of our time for the next several years of our lives.

July 16, 1999 - I said to my co-worker, "Please call 911, I feel like someone is stabbing me in the gut". After my second ever ambulance ride, I arrived at St. Luke's. Then I soon had My first encounter with Mr. Wand. The ER doc said "You are pg, but did you know it was ectopic?" Yup, in my left tube. I was taken to the ER due to a ruptured cyst on my left ovary and near ruptured left fallopian tube. btw, I found out I was allergic to methotrexate shortly after that. Hives!

July 24, 1999 - first taste of general anesthesia for my first of many laporoscopies relating to Infertility to remove the ectopic pgcy. Left Tube blocked, fetus removed, but my tube was left in there as useless. Thus was told to never try to get pregnant from that ovary. Ha

August 1999 - The ob/gyn said Don't Pass Go, Don't Collect 200 bucks, but here is the name to a reproductive endocrinologist(RE). ob/gyn then said, "You are the proud owner of a fully septated uterus"... so said my ob/gyn sent me to an RE. The HSG that the ob/gyn did that day hurt so much that I literally kicked him in the arm when he was injecting the dye. He was not mad, just concerned that I was ok. Sure doc, let me inject your uterus with dye. Oh wait, you are a man and don't have a ute to do this to. Ohhhwwwiieeee, that hurts.

October 1999 - "You have PCOS", said the RE! "You have a full Septum in your uterus, did you mom take DES when pg with you?", said/asked the RE! Ouch. It may be difficult to get pregnant, but we will get you there he said.

November 1999 - cysts on the friendly ovaries

December 1999 - first taste of Clomid and having sex on demand by instruction of the RE.

January 2, 2000 - Congratulations, you don't have the flu, but your clomid worked and you got pregnant through your right tube when you ovulated from your left ovary.

February 8, 2000 - The face of dread on the ultrasound technicians face, she said "I'll be right back, I need to get the doctor". TEARS fell as our baby's (healthy baby boy btw) once strong heartbeat was no longer. Word to the wise, Don't ever go to an US visit by yourself. Implantation happend to be right on the septum so our baby died from lack of blood supply. Fuck my luck.

April 2000 - first of 5 septum resection surgeries. Septoplasty, metroplasty or something like that.

May, June, July, August 2000 - Thanks to PCOS, I was ruled by my body and my body said "nope, not going to cycle due to PCOS cysts again".

September 2000 - second round of clomid (a.k.a - cloooomooood, because it sure puts one in a mood, cranky mood, that was me) and our first IUI cycle. One follie, negative beta, or so we thought.

October 2000 - AF(Aunt Flow is, well you know, your period). Ultrasound on day 14 of my cycle showed a huge uterine lining, thus a beta (hcg-pregnancy level) was drawn and it showed I was with child, but too low for a good pregnancy. Another ectopic tubal pregancy. DOUBLE FUCK.

October & November 2000 - 2 different laporoscopies to remove said tubal ectopic pregnancy from my good right tube and 2nd lap was to remove molar pregnancy tissue that had adhered to my bowel, bladder and back of the uterus.. the doc was not able to save my so called "good" right tube, thus my title of my blog... Tubeless in St. Louis.

January 2001 - saving money for our next step in our life, IVF.
Another Septum surgery including a balloon catheter to help the uterus heal up properly.

February, March, April & May 2001: saving and saving for IVF. Thank goodness for tax returns and DH's then bonus. We paid cash for our first IVF. 8000 + another 1500 for 1/2 fertlization with ICSI. Thank goodness I had just won 2500 on the boat that week of retrieval and was able to pay cash for the ICSI the day of retrieval. They had not told us we needed until then. Cash grows on trees, right? Oh, did I mention that it cost me 2500.00 for some Lupron, Pergonal and Gonal F?

June 2001:

wait, to be continued tomorrow. Let me find the humor in those days of waiting and waiting to cycle.

April shower will bring May Flowers, right?

I hope so, but not in my yard yet. Well, the frost killed my 2 hydrangia's, several hostas and wilted my rose bushes bad. BUT, I have about 100 iris' coming up and lots of peony buds. YEAH. Can't wait to take pictures of those flowers. Next time someone please remind me to not go out of town when a hard frost hits so I can cover my plants in the yard and save them from a certain death. I will replant what I need to and love my flowers that will eventaully bloom.

Did anyone else lose their plants in the yard? bushes? etc?

Ok, Cheers to a great few days ahead of nice weather.

Cancer Sux!

Natalie could sure use some + thoughts. Her cancer is back. Arrggghhhhh. Lets help her fight this evil devil

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nataliet

Hugs Natalie. We are here for you.

just a link to note for myself.

http://www.surrogenesisusa.com/html/about_us.html

DH asked me tonight what I would do if we won the lottery jackpot. I said I would most likely be at work and ask for an immediate 1/2 day of work. Get in my Tribute and drive to find DH at his work. (winning Lotto ticket tucked snug in my bra) and then tell him he has to take the afternoon off. VERY VERY important. Grab him, put him in the tribute, head to lunch down at the Tap Room and ask him how he wants to spend the rest of his life after he quits his job in a few weeks time. He would then laugh at me.

I then slide the winning lotto ticket out of my brazier and slide it over to him on the table with a piece of paper confirming that tickets matching winning numbers. I can see his face now, scrunched up eye brows, jaw slowly opening in a "0" position and gasps the words "WE WON" .. oh yeah.

I am not giving up on this dream. Then I told him I would pay off the house. Find some property and build a replica of my house I grew up in in Shaw Neighborhood. 3 story brick 6 bedroom 2 bath with full family room, dining room butlers pantr piano bay window and a fully stocked kitchen. I so miss my old house that I would have a replica built to the T. THEN.....

I would call my work back and ask my boss to set up a meeting with him to start interviewing my replacement siince I will be retiring in a few weeks (from that winning ticket discovery date). I would pay off all the bills, THEN and only THEN (after telling family already ) I would HIRE a Gestational Surrogate to carry a baby for us.

Oh this is a subject DH and I have been discussing again recently, but Lord knows it is a complicated process and I am not so sure what it would cost (estimates take it up around 40-55,000 , yes, you read that right).... BUT if we win the lottery then we would have no worries about cost. Just knowing wee would need a house for several kids because we could afford it and have a surrogate bare several children in the next few years for us.

Speaking of kids, DH and I both think 2 kids are a great number, but man I so want 3 or even 4. With going through IF for so many years, I gave up the dream of 4 kids or so and stuck with 2, but hey, if I could afford to do 3 or 4 surrogacy cycles with a blessed surrogate then I would in a heartbeat.

Meantime, I keep playing the lottery. I quick pick. I sometimes get a matched powerball like this past weekend, but mainly I only get 1 number or two on a whole sheet of 5 sets. I WILL DREAM and I do believe DREAMS DO COME TRUE.. I just hope I am that lucky recipient of a DREAM CATCHING then PUT INTO REAL LIFE action.

All I gotta do is dream.

AND HOPE.

Renewed

We cleaned and cleaned the house, It so needed it, but it was for the home study really.

Our home study is renewed. Now we are home study ready again and continue thinking forward in hopes that our profile is shown again soon.

Oh and btw, if you are having to renew your home study after waiting for one year, you will be so relaxed about the in home visit from the social worker the second time around. Much easier than that first time. Thanks to our social worker, she makes us feel so comfortable. She even brought cookies for our pups. Sadie (youngest pup) loves the social worker so much she was nipping at her bracelet. Good Lord, I need to put Sadie in classes to calm her down. Lindsey and Hannah (older dogs ) loved the social worker too.

We did have our profile shown to a potential birthmother situation this past week. It felt good being active again. Sadly we were not selected by the perspective birthmother, but there was no particular reason given as to why were were not selected. Sometimes pbm's don't have lots of comments as to why they don't select some of the profiles they are shown. I am ok with this as we know it was not something we couldn't change in our profile.

I hope and pray that we continue to see potential situations arise. I keep thinking that "It will be our turn someday, It WILL". I find myself thinking about it often when I have idle time. Such as today, I was out power washing the deck after being over at MMW's house. I kept thinking, "I know we will catch the eye of a pbm(potential birthmother), one little thing about us as a couple will warm the heart of a pbm and she will select us to be included in her adoption plan. It will happen.

Meantime, I often wonder what is wrong with us. What things might a pbm find wrong with us, what have we said wrong in our profile, or what might we have been able to say more about to help the pbm find us to be that couple she wishes to include in her adoption plan? I know, it is not something we can control, her decision that is, but I have to trust that we will be that match for a pbm one day soon. Maybe our camping love will catch her eye and heart, maybe our doggies will, maybe that we own a house in a great neighborhood, maybe she will like the flower pots on the front porch, but maybe just maybe she will just like our smiles in the pictures we sent. I find myself seeking what she must feel, yet I will never understand what she is going through. BUT I do know that one thing in our lives will fancy the eye and heart of a pbm. No matter how tiny one eye catching thing might be or how HUGE it might be, it will happen.

Oh.. btw, the next Harry Potter book is getting closer for release:

have you served your duty?

I received, filled out and returned a survey a few weeks back from the federal courts. Yup, that means I am most likely set in the pool for Federal Grand Jury service. I told DH that I had a feeling that life will pull a Murphy's law on us and we would be blessed with an adoption match or placement and I at the same time I would be called for Federal Grand Jury duty. I don't know why, but when I get these feelings, they usually happen as I feel them. Anyone have Federal Grand Jury duty before? I heard you will be put on what is considered an on call list. They would call you ahead of time to say you may be called up to duty on such and such days. Is that true? I have a co-worker that was called up and actually served on a jury for 2 weeks straight. Not sequestered, but in court each day for 14 days.

I love this weather. I wish it could be like this each day of the year. Nice to come home to DH having put the fans in the windows. The house is aired out. The dogs have been ordered to NOT SHED.. bahahaha. The kitty has been instructed to keep her litter box clean. Ha. We are nearly ready for our visit from the social worker Thursday night.

Prayers to those that were killed at Virgina Tech.

progress is good

Our home study renewal is set for this week. Yeah. I like this because it makes me feel things are moving forward again.

adoption lingo

Adoptive Families magazine has a great web site. Check it out
Also, below is a list of adoption terms/words/phrases some might have never heard of. JFYI These terms are from the Adoptive Families web site:
If you have questions about one of the terms or more, feel free to post and I can try and help understand it. I don't claim to know them all, but I bet I can try and find you an answer.

Adoptee. A person who was adopted. Some people prefer the terms adopted child or adopted person.
Adoption. The complete transfer of parental rights and obligations from one parent or set of parents to another. A legal adoption requires a court action.
Adoption agency. An organization, usually licensed by the state, that provides services to birth parents, adoptive parents and children who need families. Agencies may be public or private, secular or religious, for profit or nonprofit. Search for an adoption agency in AF's national directory.
Adoption assistance. Monthly federal or state subsidy payments to help adoptive parents raise children with special needs.
Adoption attorney. A lawyer who files, processes and finalizes adoptions in court. In some states attorneys may also arrange adoptive placements. Search for an adoption attorney in AF's national directory.
Adoption consultant or adoption facilitator. Individual whose business involves connecting birth parents and prospective adoptive parents for a fee (only allowed in a few states). In international adoption, a facilitator may help adoptive parents complete the adoption in the child’s country of origin.
Adoption plan. Birthparents’ decisions to allow their child to be placed for adoption.
Adoption tax credits. Nonrefundable credit that reduces taxes owed by adoptive parents who claim adoption expense reimbursment on federal taxes (and in some states with similar legislation, on state taxes). Through the IRS program, in tax year 2005, adoptive parents could take advantage of up to $10,630 in tax credits to offset qualifying adoption expenses. The credit began to phase out for taxpayers with modified adjusted gross incomes (AGI) greater than $159,450, and was unavailable to taxpayers with AGIs above $199,450. The maximum amount may rise slightly in 2006, so check the IRS site in late 2005. The credit calculation can include adoption expenses, court fees, attorney fees and travel expenses. Consult your accountant and visit http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html and
http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/i8839.pdf for further details.
Adoption triad. The three major parties in an adoption: birthparents, adoptive parents and adopted child. Also called adoption triangle or adoption circle.
Agency adoption. Adoptive placements made by licensed organizations that screen prospective adoptive parents and supervise the placement of children in adoptive homes until the adoption is finalized.
Birthparent. A child’s biological parent.
Closed adoption. An adoption that involves total confidentiality and sealed records.
Confidentiality. The legally required process of keeping identifying or other significant information secret. Also, the principle of ethical practice that requires social workers and other professionals not to disclose information about a client without the client’s consent.
Consent to adopt or consent to adoption. Legal permission for the adoption to proceed.
Decree of adoption. A legal order that finalizes an adoption.
Dossier. A set of legal documents used in international adoption to process a child’s adoption or assignment of guardianship in the foreign court.
Employer benefits. Compensation to workers through employer-sponsored programs, e.g., financial assistance, reimbursement of adoption expenses and/or provision of parental or family leave. For a list of employers who provide benefits, visit www.adoptionfriendlyworkplace.com.
Finalization. The final legal step in the adoption process; involves a court hearing during which the judge orders that the adoptive parents become the child’s legal parents.
Foster parents. State- or county-licensed adults who provide a temporary home for children whose birth parents are unable to care for them.
Homestudy. A process through which prospective adoptive parents are educated about adoption and evaluated to determine their suitability to adopt. Learn how to survive the homestudy.
ICPC. The Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) is statutory law that establishes uniform legal and administrative procedures governing the adoption of children between states within the U.S. For more information, visit www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=497 or http://icpc.aphsa.org. Identifying information. Information on birth parents or adoptive parents that discloses their identities.
Independent adoption. An adoption facilitated by other than an adoption agency.
Legal guardian. A person who has legal responsibility for the care and management of a person (such as a minor child) who is incapable of administering his or her own affairs.
Legal risk placement. Placement of a child in a prospective adoptive family when the child is not yet legally free for adoption.
Open adoption. An adoption that involves some amount of initial and/or ongoing contact between birth and adoptive families, ranging from sending letters through the agency to exchanging names and/or scheduling visits.
Photo listings. Photos and descriptions of children who are available for adoption.
Placement. The point at which a child begins to live with prospective adoptive parents; the period before the adoption is finalized.
Postplacement supervision. The range of counseling and agency services provided to the adoptive family after the child’s placement and before the adoption is finalized in court.
Private adoption. See Independent adoption
Private agencies. Nongovernmental adoption agencies licensed by the state.
Public agencies. Social service agencies run by state or county governments that deal mainly with children in foster care.
Readoption. For a child adopted in another country, a second adoption in a U.S. court. For more information, read www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=292.
Relative adoption. Adoption by a biological relative of the child.
Relinquishment. Voluntary termination of parental rights. Some prefer the phrase making an adoption plan.
Reunion. A meeting between an adopted person and birth parents or other birth relatives.
Search. An attempt to locate and/or make a connection with a birth parent or a biological child.
Semi-open adoption. An adoption in which a child’s birth parents and adoptive parents may meet once or twice but exchange primarily nonidentifying information.
Special-needs children. Children whom agencies consider difficult to place because of emotional or physical disorders, age, race, membership in a sibling group, history of abuse or other factors.
Transracial adoption. An adoption in which the child and parent(s) are not of the same race. Visit AF's transracial adoption page to find resources and learn more.
USCIS. U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Service, a federal agency under the Justice Department that oversees all visas issued to allow entry into the U.S.
U.S. State Department. Maintains extensive information about international adoption procedures around the world on it Web site: http://travel.state.gov/family. Waiting children. Children in the public child welfare system who cannot return to their birth homes and need permanent, loving families to help them grow up safe and secure. Visit www.adoptuskids.org for more information.

Adapted from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (http://naic.acf.hhs.gov/).

mmeeeoowwww , puuurrrrrrr

My 14 year old diabetic calico kitty was just sitting in my arms, front paws draped over my shoulder and she was purrrrinnnnggg like a wild kitty after a wonderful tummy filling meal. She loves me, I love her.

As google defines: purr (ing) : A soft trilling call of contentment

She is content!
She is Gizmo
She is 14
She is diabetic
She is purring
She loves me
I love her

please pray that her cancer is not back

I hope you can get to the link.. if not

caringbridge.com

visit a page

"nataliet" is her name and jounral space.


http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/viewHome.do

Ahhh, Mondays are mun'days

oh ho hum... back to work after a nice cold weekend of camping. Yes, call us crazy, but we did go camping. Thanks to our friends, they did build a rocking hot fire Saturday night so we were able to stay outside and enjoy.

On the Adoption front, no news. Our adoption agency said they have hit a dry spell of any potential birthmother contacts. Please say a prayer that our agency hears something soon. I hate waiting, but I know in due time it will happen for us. I just can't wait for that phone to ring with our agency owner/social worker on the other end to ask us if it is ok to show our profile.

Speaking of profiles, I was wondering if we should work on creating a new profile and redoing our dear birthmother letter?! I will sit down with the agency owner soon and ask this of her. I hope we don't have a chance to really do this in hopes that the agency will call with a potential situation first.

Meantime, I am keeping busy trying to sell on Ebay. I am not making much headway, but we did make enough cash from late December to early APril to pay cash for our homestudy renewal that I will call later this week to book for later April.

One fun thing this week that happened was a fellow support group attendee is now a new mom by adoption of her son. She told us the whole story in our support group and it was really heartwarming to know it can happen, a placement will happen for us and how one day we might have a bad day of waiting to be outweighed by a great day of meeting our son or daughter. I was almost in tears hearing about how she met the birthmother in the hospital. It was so surearl hearing her story, yet so promising that we WILL get that call eventually to say we are matched and then meet our potential baby.

Ok, off to work. DH Is home sick. yick. I hope he gets paid for her day off sick as Friday was a holiday for him. I am sure he will have to get a doctors note for retunring to work. I hope he does not have a really bad cold coming on. He can keep that crap to himself.

Ahhhh, lots of ebay stuff to do tonight. Ship ship ship is what my night will consist of. I think I have 6 or 7 things to pack up and ship tomorrow. Ahhhh.

a warming thought.. blooming tulips

now by time I have posted this, the tulips are gone and the weather is near cold enough to snow, but I love seeing these blooms as it brings warm thoughts to my frozen head.