on we march with the weight

yes... weight and WAIT.. LOL

So when a woman goes through heavy infertility injection drugs (lupron, follistim, gonal f, cetrotide, PIO, etc...) many of us tend to have weight issues attached with these. So over the last 5 years of 6.5 years of infertility treatments my body gave in and gained a nice rounded number of pounds. So this Summer, knowing we were in our last IVF cycle, I paid close attention to my weight and eating habbits. No, I am not exercising(yet), but by portion control I have managed to take off the last 14 lbs of medication enduced weight(for the most part) since August 2005. Slow but steady. Just under an average of 3 pounds a month. Not great, but not really bad for just changing eating habits.

No, I won't make a New Years Resolution to lose more weight and by adding in exercising. I will promise myself to NEVER gain that weight back again. 14 lbs took me to my highest weight ever and let me tell you it does bad things to the body in many ways. So I take the stairs at work every day. about 100 steps up and then down. I try and walk them again at break.

Portion control is helped by several factors. DH is now working out at his work gym and doing Weight Watchers once a week at work also. They have a meeting each Monday. So he is usualy trying to be good over the weekend when I have my hardest portion control days. So with his help I will stay on track. Again, I won't make goals to lose a certain amount of weight, but I will continue to strive to NOT gain back what I had on me before.

Now on top of this, we are both down sick with colds on this New Years weekend. YUCK. I talked to my sister last night and she has it too along with one of my nieces. I think we all passed it around xmas eve and now we are full force in the middle of nasty colds. Sneezing, body aches, no appitite(nice!!) and crabby as all get out. Heck, DH and I agreed that we won't even attempt going out to have dinner and see a movie. Looks like Pay Per View here tonight. And I wanted to go visit a local mom and her daughter (Narnia) on N's New Year Eve Birthday, but I won't expose them to the illness and expose their guests. I won't do that. Sorry Mae, I do want to come. I want to meet your friends and most of all give N a HUGE hug. I bet she has gotten so much bigger since I last saw her at your yard sale. (Wow, that seems like such a long time ago).

Ok, off to go find some cough drops. I might have take this unshowered yucky body of mine out the local gas station to buy up their supply of cough drop sticks. aaahhhhh choooooo.

March 2006

that is my new goal for looking at the time frame for selecting the route we will go about for adoption. Agency, lawyer, etc... DH and I talked last night that we will be looking into mid-March for the submission of our application to an agency or if we will go though a lawyer and then start the home study process. This is HUGE for me because I am a goal oriented person. I have to have dates set for things. I need that focus to be able to remain positive.

Funding will come in many forms. I am trying to think of a way to make some funds without having to get an in store second job. I read about 4 blogs last night that all had links to paypal and in subtle context they asked for your donations for the funding of their adoption... And I wonder if they really have ever had donations. LOL It is one way to make money for funding the process, but should I do something like that? I feel like I would be begging.

We will find a way though to do this. I will be finding things to sell on ebay or local yahoogroups. WE will do this. WE WILL. I know in the spring I can do a yard sale and that will bring in a few hundred to use towards the home study. Hoping on our Tax refund and again in huge hope, dh's annual bonus. I can't hold my breath on that one though. Hahaha. I know a loan is being worked on. LOAN is an important word as we have been told and researched out the adoption tax credit so that is a huge relief that the loan we take out is paid off in a few years time instead of 5 or 6 years.

So speaking of a yard sale. If you know of anyone that is cleaning out their house of things(not total junk) that I might take off their hands to put in my yard sale (computer equipment in working order, working electronics, tools), let me know and I will be glad to come pick them up. Gosh, that sounds like I am begging again, but damn it, I have to find ways to build our adoption fund.

35.00 is the Adoption fund balance today. LOL


(sw, I hope you got my email. I go back to the doc on the 3rd and will discuss the surrogacy issues with him and your info about the surrogacy stuff. I hope your baby is growing strong and I hope you can give me an update on HER! )

adoptive bf

I talked to DH a few weeks back about the idea of adoptive breastfeeding and I got a very positive reaction from him. I feel encouraged to am doing lots of research on this subject.

I have to book my ob/gyn appointment for March/April 2006 and will talk to my doc about adoptive breastfeeding. I really hope he can give me encouraging news on this subject and much support! I am lactating currently if I try and express manually. I hope I can keep that up and then add in an adoptive breastfeeding protocol to bring on a higher production rate with herbal/medication and pumping inductions. I have several sites bookmarked for help on this protocol. Many very encouraging words from others out ther. Thanks!

Xmas was great, but I think I am catching a cold. yuck.

One issue with my family on the adoption front and their issues with the AA race, but DH reminded me that HE and I are first in this family and if the extended family (including direct relatives or others) act with assvice about biracial adoptions, then they will be cut out of our lives. Yes, I mean immediate family too!

Thanks, I needed that, NOT

Defined:

Insomnia: the inability to sleep applied to the general complaint of having trouble falling or staying asleep; insomnia is a symptom usually caused by underlying problems. See also transient, short-term, chronic, and sleep onset insomnia.

Well, that is me. Inherited from my dad and his mom(gram), BUT I don't always have an underlying problem. Hmmm. I honestly am physically recouped from this miscarriage now so that is not the problem, but maybe it is the lack of SEX. Hmmmm, thank goodness for my pink bunny. :-P

DH and I don't sleep together. He snores, I grind my teeth something horribly and I snore and toss and turn all night long, thus you would think I would sleep well without being woke up by DH's snoring every 5 minutes to make him turn over. I have insomnia and don't fall asleep very easily, but thanks to some ambien that the doc rx'd to me, I usually get to sleep lately pretty quickly, shame I did not take one last night because I was up until wee hours of the AM and then slept no more than 2 hour at a time for the rest of the night/morning until 11 am. Up 2 hours, sleep 2 hours, see that pattern? Thanks, I needed that sleep, but did NOT get it. life goes on. I will have a few drinks tonight at a holiday party we are heading to so I hope that helps settle me down to sleep better tonight. No, I won't mix the margaritas and ambien, I promise. (btw, thankgoodness they don't require we dress in holiday garb.)

Well, I need to go see the GP doc on Monday or Tuesday to get an rx for the anti-depressant and they won't let me have anything until he has me there in person. I can also ask him for some more ambien or that new lunesta. I hope that I can get something to help with the sleep. I know when I was on paxil it helped with sleeping so maybe the anti-d will do the trick without the sleep aid. I am thinking of asking for welbutrin(sp?) or lexapro. DH is now on lexapro and I can tell it is working for him. He is quite chipper these days. I like that and need to feel that way too. Hey, have I blogged about this before? I bet I have. LOL Sorry for the repeat. Must be this sleepy head of mine. Little foggy today.

Oh the homefront of adopting..... I got packet # 4 in the mail today. I read 2 pages of it so far and will read the rest tomorrow. I have one phone call to make next week and that is to my mom's lawyer. See, he and his wife adopted and maybe he has some inside scoop on how to approach the domestic adoption through a lawyer instead of an agency. Why you ask? Well, DH and I are not into church right now and out of 4 of the agencies I got packets for (I knew this going in), they all require you to be active members of your church. So, what if we go independant through a lawyer ? hmmmm, it is a thought and maybe an option.

I will be requesting more packets from agencies this weekend by email. Heck, there are only 8 days left in 2005 so it is prime time to be requesting these packets now and as stated earlier we are attending lots of adoption functions coming up in town in early 2006 so that helps keep me focused forward. YEAH. I like this good feeling.

I need good feelings to help with days like today at the grocery store. I saw 2 preggo's in the store and it really made me fell ok with the fact that we will adopt and be parents and we won't have to go through the horrible experiences of pregnancy that I have had in the past 6 years. I know many many women go on to have little to no risk pregnancies, but I have proven that to not be possible for us. I feel bad for DH as I can't give him our own biological child. I am resolute to the fact that I WILL be a wonderful mommy and so will DH be a wonderful daddy and that is going to happen to us by a child being placed in our arms and born into our hearts through adoption.

Interesting facts. I found a list online of what proper terms to use when speaking about adoption. For example: You don't refer adoption as "Getting a baby" but instead "receiving our child through adoption" (logical, but you won't believe how many couples stat it like that in their birthmother letters) ... oh there were so many other statements that really made me think about this. Glad I found the list and I will mention it to DH because I sure don't want to offend anyone when we write our dear potential birthmother letter!

I wish you and your families a Happy Holiday Season. May your hearts grow warm with love and be touched with caring souls.

Love to our angels in heaven. We love you all.

btw, I want to thank those Angels out in the earthly world for thinking of Dh and I at this time in our lives. We are so appreciating the love you all give us and the thoughts and prayers. Those of you that made offers and thoughts beyond belief are so kind. You know who you are. I wish you were here in town so we could hug you in real life. Cyber bud(you know who you are sw) , I can't thank you enough for the offer of keeping the surrogacy idea alive. We won't give up hope! WE WON'T. I can't wait to talk to you in the future after your next baby is born!


btw, if I sent you a Holiday Card last year, don't be surprised if you don't get one this year. Just not up to doing them. Sorry.

one packet and one more email today

I sent out another email today for an agency locally to receive their introduction adoption packet. #3 on my list. I hope to get that just after Christmas. Good reading.

the packet we got today was from an agency here locally too. #2 requested. DH is finding it interesting to read their insert brochures. I like them too. THis agency is Christian oriented, meaning you must be active in the church. Ok!

I need to get back to reading Adoption after Infertility.

TOmorrow, I will email agency #4 for another intro packet. YEAH...
'

the ball is rolling.

resolution brings momentum

our beta finally came back today from last Thursday .... 1.2 So that means it is below 5 so it is considered a negative result finally. I know, sad to say we wished for a negative out of all this. The irony of a miscarriage.

I can say my body is still having problems with bleeding/spotting, but at least I know the beta was negative last week and about 4-6 weeks out from then I can expect my cycle to begin anew. Not that it means anything for us with ever having a child of our own because I have no tubes to ever get pregnant naturally. I will insist on being put on birth control to keep my PCOS in check.

I will now move on from this all and start to focus my time and energy on adoption and FUND raising for adoption. I will maybe look into Ebay selling again, but man that is hard when you have a full time job. I can go find childrens clothes on clearance and then list them on Ebay to make a small amount off each item or group of items. I will chat with my sister about maybe hiring her services (she is a stay at home mom).... to do this for us with Ebay. hmmm

I can try and find a part time job with a staffing agency doing data entry or something like that for about 10.00 an hour so that would help on some of the smaller expenses. I will ask DH to also work on finding a second job on the side so we can meet our goals quicker in the next year. I really hope to be able to at least start our home study by later 2006 and then maybe by 2007 Spring we can put our efforts into this fully. $$$ makes the difference, I hate to say, but we don't want to beg, steal and borrow our way to an adoption. I want to pay for it.

Goal #1 right now is to clean the house and then get through Christmas. I will then hope we can start a new focus once we have our follow up consult on the 3rd of Jan with the doctor.

Work is good this week as my co-worker is off and I am busy with part of her job and mine. Day off for Holiday on Friday and Monday and I took off Tuesday. YEAH. DH is off the whole week between Christmas and New Year.

Hmmm, might go get my ice skate sharpened so I can go hit the old Steinberg Ice Rink in Forest Park next week.



Ok, I need to go clean my MIL's carpets with DH in tow. Fun.

without naming agency names, yes it does cost that much to adopt

after returning home from a day of shopping and a support group meeting this Saturday, I opened up the mailbox to find a packet of information I had requested from a local adoption agency. Name withheld..... This packet explained they were sorry for the photo copies of all information enclosed due to revamping their packet at the moment. I understood that, but did that mean that the prices were going up soon? Well, after reading and pondering the options, I told DH that the base price for the adoption would be 18,000. Yes, 18,000.00 ... that is the base, not including the home study and a few other costs. OUCH. But I kind of suspected this with this agency. Now I await the second agencies packet of information. I will also send out emails to about 3 other contacts to find out more information for their services. This is all so new to me and kind of exciting because it is like becoming an investigator to find the right fit for us. Very interesting, enlightening, and involved. I like that. It will keep me busy for at least the next 2-3 months and by then we will hopefully have an agency or option picked that best suits our needs and hopes.

I am excited for DH too. I told him of this first agencies packet options of infants and race and he did tell me that he is very open to a biracial baby. I am thankful he is as I know that there are loving babies out there to be welcomed into our hearts.

Oh, the books that arrived in the mail the other day, I have started reading the one of Adoptoin after Infertility. I am actually enjoying the reading of it. I will continue it and hope to finish it off this month and then pass it onto DH to read too. Nice to know it is ok to grieve our loss of never having a baby ourselves, but glad to know we are not along in longing for a baby and fulfilling this dream through adoption now is great.

Cheers to a good week and Happy Holidays to everyone.

off to go read.

rays of hope from the cyberland blogs

let me first say that I am feeling like I need to move forward with the adoption process very very soon. Sure, grieving is important after a loss for any person or couple, especially those going through infertility. The lack of the ability to carry a pregnancy will be grieved, but , BUT BUT BUT.... I have managed to find a RAY of HOPE in the internet by reading blogs that are filled with journeys to adoption.

Sure some blogs that involve adoption, domestic mostly, will have the trudging through the mud difficulties of adoptions, but I need those to be prepped incase we encounter troubles in our own journey into adoption.

Having access to those in cyberland that are adopting domestically is comforting to know we are not the only couple out there that has a longing for a newborn or very young infant when we get ready to be shown to the perspective birth mother. Some might find this a selfish thing from us, but it is our wish and our longing for so just deal and learn to respect that we wish for this. If you can't deal, then learn to agree to disagree.

My family knows that we are on the road to adoption, but DH's family is now just finding out that we miscarried over Thanksgiving weekend and that we are now on the road to saving for adoption. Thankfully, they are 100% supportive so far. I welcome that support and can now feel like we can talk openly about adoption unlike with infertility we were told to keep it to ourselves!!!! Yes, people in family have actually told us to not talk about our infertility in front of them because it was such a private thing. So we bit our lips and did not mention it. Now we can finally relax around them, but will be on guard for assvice comments they might tend to make about adoption.

on a side note, the RE's office never called me back day b4 yesterday with my hopefully final beta draw for a zero count so I tried all day to call them but their phones are on forward. I guess they are gone for the next week and I won't hear back what my beta was. Reason I have to keep doing beta's to get a zero is that in previous miscarriages I had my beta/hcg #'s fall, but then stalled after the miscarriage and then went back up due to retained placental tissue in the uterus. I had d&c's after each miscarriage of our twins and I was so sure that this one might end up that way. Although my body is telling me that I am most likely at the zero # altready. ZIT FACED days are here, thanks to my PCOS... see, when pregnant I have NOT Acne, but my face is riddled with activity these past 4 or 5 days so I can almost bet I am at a zero beta and that my PCOS is raging again. I am still spotting brown, but it gets less and less each day. Finally! So my body seems to be healing, but we will wait for that beta # to confirm what my body is telling me.

So, now I get to focus on wrapping presents. JOY.

Oh btw, that word "JOY" seems to come up much more now that we are setting our hearts on adoption. I find it a simple word, but a great way to express many moments I have in starting this adoption process.

Ok, off to shop then come back to wrap. Oh and do some laundry. LOL

a box at the front door and a nice prescription from the doc.

First the good news of the nice box on the front door step:


delivered by the sometimes nice mail man today........

A box full of adoption books from a very generous cyber friend.

Thanks A!

Books are as follows:

Adopting After Infertility : Patricia Irwin Johnston

The Adoptoin Resource Book : Louis Gilman (everything you ought ot know about creating an adoptive family)

Launching a Baby's Adoption (Practical Strategies For Parents and Professionals) : Patricia Irwin Johnston

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption: Chris Adamec.


WOW... I have lots of reading to do in the next few weeks> LOL

....................................
Now the news or lack of news on the body's lack of enforcement to get back to a normal state (whatever that is) after a miscarriage....... Well I am still bleeding, but old blood so that is a good sign it is not new blood. I went in today for another BETA HCG blood test today to find out if the beta is zero or not after this loss that happened the weekend of Thanksgiving, but they NEVER CALLED me back today with the beta results. UGH.

I will be on the horn tomorrow AM at 9 am to get details. I so hope it is zero. It is sad to think after all the trying to have a baby that DH and I have been through that I would HOPE and PRAY for a zero beta. BUT I am.

Evil of them to not call me today with the blood work results.

BUT one good thing I did today was complain about the lack of sleep to the nurse that drew my blood. She was so nice to go back and get my a prescription for 15 days of ambien, which in my book means 30 days worth because that stuff is so good that I can pop the pill in 1/2 and it will do the trick for at least the next 4 weeks instead of 2 weeks!!!!!!!! YEAH. Now I promised myself I would get to the GP to get an RX for anti-depressants and I will do that tomorrow.

Ok... on to go read some pages in the adoption books to BRING some JOY into my thoughts.

ROCK ON

U2 Rocks. I have seen 5 of their concerts now in St. Louis and each one is unique yet they have grown over the years to truely appreciate the fans and the music they play for us to get our reactions to the fullest. They tease us with a breath of politics, yet they please the lustful music diehard fan.

I wish I had taken my camera. I have cell phone pictures, but they don't do justice. I wanted to be that young lady he pulled from the Inner Circle of the floor stage area. He sang to her, he held her, He hugged her and he kissed her on the cheek and then lead her back to the stage end to get back to the floor with the help of the security staff.

I will go see this band again in my lifetime. I will always listen to their music no matter the message they send.

THanks U2 for coming to St. Louis again.

What is the hold up?

The hold up is that I can't get my body to let go of this miscarriage yet. I am going in Thursday for another beta to check to see if we hit zero yet. Bleeding is still happening.. (Sorry TMI TMI) but this will most likely go on for another 3-4 weeks even after a negative beta. I need to buy stock in Tampax pads. LOL

Life does go on in other ways. I booked a follow up consult with the doc and will discuss our option with our one frozen embie and surrogacy. I fear age might be an issue if we can do surrogacy due to who we can ask or how might volunteer to help us out. Yet another worry that I won't worry about much until we get to the point of asking a person to be a surrogate. I am always finding ways to worry myself. I will try and stop that for now until we can get through this end of the miscarriage process.

Only 1 more WINK until U2. YEAH.

I have only purchased 4 xmas gifts out of 11 or so needed. Yikes. I have taken off work this Thur. and Fri. to be able to continue my shopping and then wrapping.

Speaking of Wrapping, My services are for hire(donation to adoption funding for us!) to you for wrapping your xmas gifts if you totally despise doing that. I worked as a Professional Wrapper at FamousBarr at xmas time in the past and LOVE to wrap. You provide the wrap, I like to make REAL bows so provide that and I will bring the scissors and Tape.

Oh, what an annoying commercial. CHIA PET. UGH. I swore in 2 minutes time I saw the commercial 2 times on CBS. Enough of that silly stupid gift already.

ahhh, only 4 more winks

U2 concert is Wednesday night. 4 more winks until the show.

Btw, if you have Directv, channel 124 is showing the Chicago U2 concert this whole month. There are other shows on there olike the Bacon Brothers, Bonnie Rait, and maybe one other but the U2 concert is the Highlight this month! Very nice.

How Long Can We sing this Song. How long, How long....

medication is ok to make it through the day.

With this loss of our pregnancy and precious baby that was growing in me, I am LOST. I am lost in emotions and the physical dealings of having a miscarriage. I am not able to make it through the day without major BAD mood swings. I am not able to function fully in a GOOD way, I tend to want to sleep and not pay attention to my duties at work or home. I can't live like this. So tomorrow I promise myself to call the General Practitioner to help me out with some much needed medications to help with depression. YES I am depressed. I am on a low functioning physicality. Does that make sense? Well for me I have had this happen before. I had to get help with medication by means of an anti-depressant back in 2003 when we lost our twins at 10 weeks gestation. I went on paxil for about 5 months and it really really helped out.

I will ask about taking either welbutrin(sp?) xr or lexapro. I hate to medicate, but I can't climb out of this FUNK by myself and honestly it is a nasty ill effect on my marriage and work and any type of social life I might try and have.

Then after that in early 2006 I am going to join my mom in taking an exercise class of some sort. I need to get active because it helps me keep a great momentum to lose weight and make myself feel much better physically about me and about my SEX LIFE that is nonfunctioning right now. Sure I am recovering from a miscarriage and that has reason to not be active, but I need to be active in my life this way to keep DH and I happy. I love feeling good about me!

Soon I will be able to then function on a happier note to be able to start the process of gathering adoption information. Meetings, Seminars, DH's work benefits of helping couples adopt(no they would not pick up the insurance rider for infertility coverages, but they do 0ffer the 4,000 dollar relief fund once you finalize your adoption. WOW.

Cheers to a much better 2006.

dang I need to do some xmas shopping but Hate the mall.

I swear Angels are watching over DH and I.

Sure, losses have us down. AF is here or at least the winddown from this miscarriage is happening physically. BUT BUT BUT.....

ANGELS are watching over DH and I. I do mean our lost baby angles, but I also mean some SPECIAL Angels and you know who you are!

My heart warms with the love of others.

We WILL BE PARENTS IN THE NEXT FEW YEARS. We will.


I had little to no Christmas Spirit in my heart, but it is warming up and growing stronger by the day.


Thanks to some special ANGELS in our lives and those that are COMING into our lives.

DH and I are BLESSED.

I DO BELIEVE.