I have been reading this book "Secret thoughts of an adoptive mother" and let me tell you that I had to stop reading it at lunch today. My eyes welled up with tears so much so that I could not read and I am the lucky one that my face turns red when I cry. So I had to stop reading and focus on something else until lunch was over. Mind you, I eat at my desk and have visitors all the time (open room desk). I did not want them to see me all red faced and crying over a book! Ha
What made me cry was reading about the Author's (Jana Wolff) account of traveling ahead of the due date of her hopefully future child to be in the town of the birthmother for the delivery. Plus the minute by minute trail of anticipation, hope, worries and fears while the birthmother was being induced and then in the moments of delivery.
She called it "Excitement or Doom". The adoptive couple was invited into the delivery room (as I was for Julia's birth) and she accounted the moments of how she felt and how she thought the birthmother was feeling (emotionally and physically) and then it went into the moments of describing the setting of the delivery room up to the moments before when her-to-be "Son" was born. She was not attached to him yet and feared she might not ever, plus she was ordered out of the room by the doctor right before delivery because the baby needed to be delivered by forceps. She left the room and feared that SHE herself might have a last moment freak decision to decide to make a run for it as this was a life altering event happening and wondered if she really wanted her lifestyle to change so rapidly with the delivery and placement of this baby she did not know. Or would the birthmother want to keep the baby because of all she went through to delivery him.
Well, in the end of that chapter, she was invited back into the room and was handed the baby. She felt as though she did not love him yet, but she also knew she could not walk away from this beautiful baby either. He was becoming part of her life.
I can tell you without a doubt that I had many of the same fears when Julia was being born. I saw her head pop out and I instantly started crying. I was not holding her birthmother hand because the nurse was on one side and her mother was on the other, but I stood back and took pictures (ok with the birhtmother to do so) and saw a miracle being born. I was so scared yet so overwhelmed with shock of seeing something I could not do, give birth to a miracle baby. Julia's birthmother was crying, I was crying and DH was outside in the hallway crying. I never knew so many emotions could rush over me at once. Sadness for Julia's birhtmother and birthgrandmother, Joy of knowing we just might have this miracle placed in our arms soon. Oh gosh, I am starting to well up with tears just thinking about that special moment. I can't ever imagine what Julia's birthmother was going through, but I did ask her later and she tried to describe it as best she could. I will always cherish knowing how she felt and her sharing that with me. I gave her a hug before they had the baby ready to hand to her. I told her Thank You and God Bless you. She just gave birth to a miracle and no matter who raised her she would always be special in my heart for having involved us in something we could never physically achieve. Birth of a child is a miracle.
ok, more later. I must go wipe my eyes.
See, adoption can be such a roller coaster ride also of emotions; although different from what we went through with infertility, we would ultimately achieve our dreams and goals of becoming parents by the blessing of another human(ie: Julia's birthmother).
Never give up hope.