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Saturday, November 24, 2007

angels in heaven I'll always remember you

2 years ago tonight I sadly miscarried my last pregnancy I would every carry at 6 weeks along. We had done a fresh In-vitro Fertilization (IVF) cycle and transferred 3 ok 3 day blastocysts to my uterus. I had become pregnant on this, my 5th, fresh IVF transer cycle. We had an ultrasound just days before to confirm there was one sac and fetal pole for this pregnancy. I was set to go in on November 28th 2005 to confirm the heartbeat, but sadly while at dinner at TGI Fridays that Saturday night I began to bleed very badly. I knew what my body was doing. I could feel the contractions within 4 hours of the bleeding having started and I delivered the sac in tact at home. I did not bother to go to the ER as I had suffered several other miscarriages before this and knew that once the sac was expelled I would be ok in about 2 hours. I took a dose of narcotics I had at home to relieve the pain I was physically in and just had DH hug me. Hold me in his arms and cry with me.

We both said that this was not meant to be and that we were done with the heartaches and miscarriages forever (This was our 5th uterine miscarriage).

I was so sad, robbed of the very thing a woman of child baring age is usually blessed with, a normal pregnancy. I was ripped up emotionally for a few days and I told myself that my body was a failure, but I would not let that keep me down long. I grieved this loss, but luckily I was able to attend the IF support group meeting and cry it out. Then the next week I attended my first of many adoption support group meetings to set our minds on the future of becoming parents through adoption. I also booked a date for my hysterectomy a few months later. One of the best decisions I ever made.

I pray for all the angels up in heaven that never made it to be Earthly angels. We mommies love you all very much and were blessed to have been pregnant with you for as long as we could keep you in there.

I Don't ever let a day go by without lifting my eyes to heaven and talking a few words to my 9 angels in heaven.

4 comments:

Mutha said...

They sent J to you, I honestly believe that.

Karaoke Diva said...

Words cannot express how happy I was for you guys when I heard about Julia. I know it's stupid to say that someone deserves this or that, but if anybody on this earth deserved that beautiful baby girl, it was you guys!

petunia said...

I remember all of your sad posts on the IF site. I cried with you, as many other of our web friends did. I'm sure you couldn't have imagined at that time that you would be this happy now with Julia....she truly is a blessing!

tubelessstl said...

Thanks mutha, kd, petunia... I really do believe our journey brought us to Julia specifically. Sure the heartaches happened, but she makes it all worth the wait and frustrations. What a blessing she is and I will one day tell her about all the angels in heaven supporting HER in our lives. They helped us get her here.

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.