Thinking that I am not on the "IN" of the crowd

Not the norm, not the one that likes to blogityblogblog my thoughts. I can think them, but never seem to be able to type these thoughts down here. Let me try this. I need a question of the day. I will try that for a few weeks. I need to reveal one new thing about myself that you all would not know. Hmmm, can think of a few good fun things, otherwise I consider myself a boring blah blah chicklet.

Ok, here goes:

My question of the day for you is....... DO YOU EVER like to have your husband, sig. other, partner leave for a day or two? You know, leave you alone in the house for at least a 24 hour or longer stint? You answer and then I will reply with my answer in the comments!!!!!!!! (i bet you can guess my answer already!)

My one thing today I will reveal to you is...... I fart! In front of DH too! OMG.. I bet you are saying ewwww, sure, think that, but I grew up in a house that it was absolutely normal as breathing to fart at any one moment in your day. My dad would wake up at night and go pee. He would stand and pee and fart at the same damn time, how fucking crazy is that? ewwwww! Hey, my dogs even fart in front of me! It is a natural thing.
OK, now time for you to reveal your ONE thing you want to tell us.

Ok, there are 2 questions / statements you need to put in comment here, I look forward to reading your comments.

I know you are out there so delurk and comment, please? Do I have to beg you? Oh please!

YIPPPEEEE, I have a DATE, I have a DATE.

Yesterday, I called the SIRM office in St. Louis to find out about getting meds for DH for a cheaper price for the Bravelle shots he has to do for low testosterone/lh. While talking to MK at the office, she told me I can go ahead and book my IVF date. YEAH.

I asked her when I should expect AF since I had already calculated 28 days of my cycle and she said that with the chemical pregnancy this past cycle I should expect it to be another week or even 2 longer. Oh Joy. not. I then asked her might she know when I can cycle again and she transferred me to the booking desk! WOW. I was surprised. She told me to ask for the October cycle. Well, with this INCIID the HEART program they said I would have to wait until early 2006 to cycle. I was shocked. I told her that Dr. Ahlering and the ITH program director told me I can cycle this fall. She told me she needed to call me back and she did in like 5 minutes. I am all set up for the October 24th retrieval week st SIRM for a fresh IVF cycle. YEAH.

WOW. Good news.

Ok, off to shower, shop for a side dish for my friends party today and then go play in a washers tournament. If you are not familiar with washers game then click this "washers game". Not sure if this is a St. Louis tradition game or not, kinda like Toasted ravilois are from St. Louis.


Happy Weekend to everyone.

I can't wait to have a baby! Yard sales abundant today with baby stuff

I go to yard sales, have been doing this since I was a kid with my mom. I don't buy junk. I don't buy things I can't use and I don't buy baby stuff YET. YET ... did you hear that out loud? YET.

OMG.. There were tons of baby clothes and baby strollers, car seats, cute room decor(I mean whole sets of stuff like book shelves with ends, lamps, bedding, wall hangings).

I can't wait until I can go buy things like this at sales. I check them out all the time and almost bought a NEW PACKAGED sealed pair of baby shoes, but i refrained.

I use to go to the resale shops with my sister and I could not do that after our miscarriage of twins back in 2002. I am now really serious about wanting to start a small bag of baby items I can find at a reasonable price at sales. You would not believe the amounts of baby clothes I find that are BRAND NEW with tags at sales for 50cents, a buck, 2 bucks... etc..BRAND NAMES too!

Ok, I will one day be able to do this. Hopefully soon. I will have a huge smile on the day I can go to a sale and really buy up a HUGE amount of things with just 20 bucks. My sis is the queen at doing this and has many tips.

Sure... I want new store bought things, but sometimes there is just that bargain at the yard sales that I so don't want to pass up but some force keeps my hands from laying on that item and scooping it up yet... AGAIN.. YET.

See, there is this block I have inside me that keeps me from buying things like this at sales. I think it is mentally a challenge to get past that fear that I will miscarry again, I will never be a mom of a newborn, etc.. A feeling I would love to shake so I could take that 20 bucks and buy a car trunk full of special things for our baby we have one day soon.

I will be able to do it one day.

I have HOpe.

AF must be on her way....

AF = Aunt Flow= Cycle Day 1..... I am SOOOOOO having major PMS problems today... Just ask my DEAR HUSBAND(dh). He must know because he keeps egging me on for an argument. Bahahaha

Today is either cd 22 or cd20. Not sure due to spot. so if I have a normal 25 day cycle then I should get AF this Sunday. Then we can get the ball rolling for our consult soon for a follow up to the chemical pregnancy and then setting up the new IVF cycle.

YEAH.


GO CARDINALS!

bearable or unbearable? baby ment

co-worker is new grandma and is busy showing off her new granddaughter. I sit RIGHT next to her. Can't avoid it. She just returned from her 2 days off with being with new mom and the baby. I am happy for them, really, but this is so close to DH and I recovering from this chemical pregnancy that I just can't be 100% happy for them without feeling a tenge of sadness for DH and I! Know what I mean?

I will be seeing many many many baby pictures over the next few weeks and the mom works here also so it is unavoidable. I hate being bitter, I hate it.

I am praying hard that this next IVF and LAST IVF cycle will bring us our miracle baby in arms living in a year or so!

Just heartbroken over having so many angels and no baby in arms yet.

Sorry to vent, but I have to get it out.

Infertility work up procedures I have done or things found wrong.

HSG (aka hysterosalpingogram(sp?)) the dye test done in radiology to check the uterin cavity shape and to check the dynamics of your fallopian tubes, such as the ability to SPILL the dye fluid into the abdomen.

CCCT(citrus Clomaphine Challenge Test)

Hysteroscopy: inciid describes this best: If a uterine abnormality is suspected after the HSG, your doctor may opt for this procedure, performed with a thin telescope mounted with a fiber optic light, called a hysteroscope. The hysteroscope is inserted through the cervix into the uterus and enables the doctor to see any uterine abnormalities or growths. "Photos" are taken for future reference. This procedure usually is performed in the early half of a woman's cycle so that the build-up of the endometrium does not obscure the doctor's view. However, if the doctor is planning to do an endometrial biopsy at the same time, it is done near the end of the cycle.

laporoscopy: inciid again explains:
A narrow fiber optic telescope is inserted through a woman's abdomen to look at the uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries and to discern endometriosis or pelvic adhesions, and is the best diagnostic tool for evaluating the ovaries. This test us usually done two or three days before menstruation is expected, and only after an HCG beta blood test ensures the woman is not pregnant.


blood work: everything you can think of ... even STD's, etc... yikes, but thankfully the one bad things that came back Postitive in all this is a blood clotting disorder called MTHFR.


MTHFR: heterozygous, inherited from my maternal grandmother. My Aunt, Uncle have it as well as my gram had it, but my mom did not test positive for it,but she passed the gene down to me. This is the less serious mutation of MTHFR, but I have already proven that I am proned to blood clots. Frist and hopefully last blood clot was Feb. 2004. Right leg behind knee.

Diabetic: I am Type II, but controlled by diet and monitoring. I should exercise more too! My first sign that I was diabetic was being thirsty all the time. Diabetes can cause multiple problems, Infertility, Overweight, tired, etc... google it if you need.

PCOS: Gosh, this is such a complicated disease in women.... let me link you to a place you can read about it. What is so frustrating is that it is not curable nor do they know what causes it. I did not do this to myself..... Ugh.


Uterine Septum: #1, I was born with this so it is something I could not ever predict would cause so much of my Infertility woes. You know what, this seems to be my main cause of miscarriages.... The septum has been removed and grown back, but removed again... etc... I have miscarried and pathology shows the fetus was normal, but we keep having problems with pregnancy loss due to this.


if you have any questions about any of them please post a comment and I will reply. Google will help with research.

DH's turn for shots now.

in prep to the Fresh IVF cycle... DH needs to take bravelle shots for his low testosterone levels. LOL

He has the protocol and we start giving them to him this weekend. YEAH.. I get to poke him with shots again instead of it being me right now.

I hope this will help the issues with needing to do ICSI.. maybe if the sperm become stronger through these shots then we can avoid ICSI?

hmmm

I can't wait to start my next cycle in a few weeks.. then I can call for the consult and get things rolling to set up our Fresh IVF date this fall. YEAH.

off to bed so I can head to the yard sales tomorrow b4 I go in for the IF support group here in town.

death of Fr. Lawrance Walsh

Fr. Larry Walsh was the pastor of my grade school parish St. Margaret Of Scotland grade school in South City(Catholic) when I was a young south Side City kid growing up... he was there from when I was about 9 years old until I was about 13. Amazing man he was. He really had a down to earth quality about him. He took our youth group to St. Louis Steamers games at the Old Arena on Oakland ave often. He was the priest for the team and would go down and do a prayer with them b4 each home game then he would come back to our seats and have a good time with us cheering them on to victory.

The rectory was only 9 houses down the street from my house so it was often that I got to see him driving up the street while myself and several other neighbors and classmates were playing Tag or Red Light Green Light out in front of our houses. One time he even came up and played a round of Step Ball with us. Amazing man.

he instilled faith in me back then, which I have lost these days, but I do have fond Catholic memories of him thoughout my grade school years and into high school too as I saw him a few times after he became pastor of a local High school parish too.

He will be missed.

my summer addiction

this place is addicting... THis is the new 2005 season for their WEB CAM for orca viewing. I love it. I am addicted and have been since the first months of 2004 season too. I sit at my pc now and have my headphones plugged in.. but there are no orca sounds or even camera views of them right now.. just kelp, sea animities(sp?) and fishes under water views. Sunday night we got to see severl "blows" (orcas breath above water) and a sea lion or maybe it was a sea otter. Saw several small fish jumping or dolphins. Pretty cool. In IE browser, go to the live web casts. If you have broadband/dsl... it is a great shot. If you use dialup, good luck with the 56k. I love the live chat room too. I have met people from all around the world that are orca lovers. I have a new addiction and it continues.

try them out and let me know what you think.


p.s. I will give a great update tomorrow on the IVF stuff.

Today is a good day.

so good in fact that camping is in order! DH left yesterday with the camper and headed to the State Park. I am heading out in a few with the furdoggies and joining him. YEAH.

AF is light and not so mean, YEAH.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

SUN and FUN.

I swear I love my new Doc/RE.

The man knows exactly what to say. I swear to you. He walks into the US room(yes, he does all the US's himself) and immediately shakes my hand and says "I am so sorry this cycle did not turn out the way we all wanted it to" Meaning to stay prenant! He melted my heart and I really had to hold the tears back. He knows the pain and suffering of a loss. He has the right words to say. The right touch on the shoulder to comfort us through this all.

He did the US exam and it showed a blood clot in the uterus about 6-8 mm large. He offered to me to write antoher rx for pain meds meaning percocet instead of darvocet.. but I passed on it. I am ok today.. still bleeding and clotting, but it is much less today then yesterday.

He told me that we can have one more AF then plan on a fresh ivf cycle. WOW. I loved hearing that.

I feel much better emotionally today. I cried so hard in the lobby yesterday,but today, I overheard good news from 2 ladies walking out of there! YEAH.. I like hearing that. REally I do. They both graduated from this RE to their OB.. meaning they are past the "worry" part of the first steps in pregnancy. See, that gives me hope that I can get pg then too.

Now to get my body back in shape and lose these lbs from this past cycle.

AF should be gone in about 3 days or so then I am good to move forward.

Thanks so much for all the prayers and good wishes. We are making it through this and will move forward no matter the path we take. I hope to try IVF one more time then we will move on if that does not work.


Bless us all.

bec

darvocet and sleep Rx'd to me

bleeding has not let up, but the doc confirmed by blood work that the beta / hcg level is a zero .. which is good, but now we need to find the source of this bleeding. I go in Wednesday for an US scan and hopefully he will get a grasp on what is happening.

I felt bad today.. I broke down in the lobby of the doc's office and just sobbed. After 3 days of this bleeding crap, I am spent. Tired, have a massive headache. I did ask them to take my blood pressure, but they did not. I will insist they do that tomorrow. I hope they can tell me why I keep getting these headaches now too. Fun.

I feel like a big ole ball of complaints.. but legit complaints at that.

DH told me today he is worried about my well being. He is worried that we need to just stop the ttc crap and let me have a hysterectomy. FRICK. today was not a day I needed to hear that from him, but I know he means it in a thoughtful way.

Ok, off to eat dinner(late) and then take my darvocet and go sleep for a few hours.


Thanks for reading if you have!

heading out the door to the ER or the doc's office

waiting for Dr. Ahlering's office to call me back. I have been bleeding heavily for the last 38 or so hours from this miscarriage/chemical pregnancy. I am passing clots the size of 1/2 dollars and cramping so bad, now a nasty headache to boot. I called this to happend but I swear I did not wish it upon myself. I hate this. My body just can't handle the let down from any type of + pregnancy no matter the outcome.

I paged the nurse on call Sunday evening. Told her I was bleeding heavily and that I was passing clots. She had me get in bed and stay there with lots of hydration so I did. I then went through all day Sunday the same way.... no let up on the system letting this mc happen. Now today after almost 38 hours, I am spent, exhausted, mentally in a bad way. Emotionally TORN up.

I paged the nurse again this AM after the symptoms got worse yet again. She called back and said she was on the way into the office and she would call me after she speaks with Dr. Ahlering himself. I wonder if he will have me come in there for an exam or have me call my ob/gyn and have them admit me to the hosptial for possible surgery / d&c?!

Waiting is the hardest part. Headaches and clots are a close second on the hardest to deal with.

until later, until I know what is happening... I will sign off for now.

live 8

amazing coverage at streaming live video



amazing.

support the cause. Not money, but support