tubeless in st. louis

t

oh the addiction

I curse the lady that gave me this site.

http://www.weffriddles.com

aaaaccchhhhuuuuu

loverly weather... really it is not that bad, except for the seasonal (which for me is all year long) allergies. What is blooming or is the mold count sky high today?

I was fine yesterday, but today, man watch out puffs box, you are my buddy today.

Yesterday was DH's bday.. 42! And he was the best man in a friends wedding and man did he look very good all dressed up! Happy Birthday!

So I am cleaning out the nursery of the items I have gotten either from family, yard sales, and or bought. I had a pathway to the rocker for when I pump and that was getting to become too little of a path. So up to storage go the toys my cousin so graciously handed down to us for our future baby. Packing up the items I have not sold on Ebay to my mom to keep. Moving the furniture around a little bit to make it more open floor spacious for a b-line floor path from the crib to the changing table to the rocker again.

Need to register for the Perspectives on Adoption conference hosted by SSM St. Mary's Health Center on November 4th 2006. 9-3:30 pm. This is put on by the lady / nurse that hosted and taught our adoptive parenting class. It will be nice to see her. Seems ages ago that we took that class (July - August).
If you want more details, let me know.

PCOS support group in town was suppose to meet the last Tuesday of this month, but due to Halloween she has cancelled that meeting. She=Dr. Jan. BUT I heard that she might combine her first Tuesday of the month IF Support meeting with a PCOS meeting. I am ok with doing that. I need some perspectives on how to get this weight back down. PCOS makes it very difficult for women to lose weight, yet put it on very easily. So that means I can use her help in creating an eating plan and exercise plan to get back to my goal weight. Heck, I have like 80 lbs to lose, but I know I need a while to do that. I know I can at least start and of course the nutritional food she suggests will also be good for breastfeeding and baby to come.

I freakin' hate cleaning house. Rest assured my actions so far today are helping make this house a better place already.

Yesterday I successfully pumped 6 oz. Ahhh, nice to see that kind of return. I pumped more that I usually do being the weekend, so maybe today being Sunday I can do the same or close to it. I am still happy with having produced about 5.5 oz on Friday though since I can't pump at work.

CHeers to a great day and

GO CARDINALS
GO CARDINALS

lack of words

you know sometimes in life you hit those areas of being speechless? well, that is the time of my life right now. I am one that tends to think and think and think, but never stop to write things down. I say "you better blog that", but then I never stop to do that and those thoughts are lost. My lack of worded posts come from the fact that I tend to make mental lists of things to do and NEVER seem to put them down on paper. Well, last week I talked to my therapist about this(yes, I still see a therapist after all our infertility issues turned adoption issues, best money ever spent!) and she really got on me about not making paper lists and or journaling. So I started my lists and promised myself I will print them Friday night and start working on the to-do lists to knock some of these things I have let go of. Do you tend to do this also? How do you cope?

I am at a new stage in my life and am ready to get myself back in shape. I am done with this body of mine. It disgusts me. I am sick and tired of it so it is time for a change. No, no diet... just a better alternative to eating. I am PCOS and believe me it is so hard to get the weight down. So my therapist runs a PCOS support group and I am going to get my butt in gear and join in next meeting. POST if you want details for this meeting. She gives wonderful info on proper eating and most importantly, exercising.

Exercising is something I don't like nor do at this point in my life, BUT I want to be a mommy one day that can walk up stairs with child in arms and not be winded once I reach the top of the steps. I want to be able to get up and down on the floor and play. I think the best kind of communication with a child / toddler is one of eye level communication. That means I will have to get down on their level and my gosh when you are overweight it is nearly impossible.

Speaking of impossible............ we will get a call one day soon. It is not impossible to adopt. RING PHONE RING.

To remember those lost babies

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Thanks KD for mentioning this on your site! I know there are so many families that have suffered losses at many stages of either pregnancy or infantcy and it is so sad. I know first hand. Way too many losses in my book.

Blessings to those that have lost and thank you to those that remember.

more and more

4.5 oz each day and over 60 oz (maybe more if I go do a count) in the deep freeze

pumping and storing

quick reference guide for myself to link to:
kellymom
Storage guidelines
HUMAN MILK STORAGE - QUICK REFERENCE CARD
Temperature Storage Time
Freshly expressed milk
Warm room 79°F / 25°C 4-6 hours
Room temperature 66-72°F / 19-22°C 10 hours
Insulated cooler / icepacks 60°F / 15°C 24 hours
Refrigerated Milk (Store at back, away from door)
Refrigerator (fresh milk) 32-39°F / 0-4°C 8 days
Refrigerator (thawed milk) 32-39°F / 0-4°C 24 hours
Frozen Milk (Do not refreeze! Store at back, away from door/sides)
Freezer compartment
inside refrigerator (older-style) Varies 2 weeks
Self-contained freezer unit
of a refrigerator/freezer Varies 3-6 months
Separate deep freeze 0°F / 19°C 6-12 months

when all else fails

When all else fails to keep my sanity, I know it is then time to book an appointment with my therapist. Sure, she was my IF therapist, but she is a well rounded topic therapist too. She deals with all kinds of issues, not just infertility. Some days I think I have it all together, but lately I don't. I need to release my frustrations with the adoption wait, my lack of interest in losing weight, and my lack of cleaning the weighted full of junk household. OMG. My house is a mess. I admit it to anyone. I need to get my therapist to go over a structured schedule with me. Discuss the fact that I KNOW we will make it through the wait for a baby through adoption no matter how long it takes.

My head hurts when I walk into this house. I think I have an answer to my problems, but I just need to talk it out with someone and DH is NOT the person to help me as we usually turn our talks into fighting matches. Who can one up the other with arguments etc.... Know what I mean?

Oh shit.. I am not making sense am I?

I need a vacation and wouldn't it be nice to have one with a call that a baby is on the way? Camping soon so maybe we will get a match call soon. RING PHONE RING

Speaking of vacaction and babies......... I have 7 weeks of FMLA time remaining between now and May 22nd 2007. I used 5 weeks back in May of this year for my hysterectomy. If we are blessed to have a baby placed with us between now and May 22, 2007 then I only get 7 weeks remaining of the 12 weeks for FMLA. Now mind you this 7 weeks will be UNPAID as ADOPTION is not a medical reason to be paid for FMLA. So I am planning hard to save up the funds for at least 5 of those 7 weeks off without pay. I have 10 days of paid vacation right now and can carry them over until March 1 2007 if needed to use while on FMLA time off. BUT I get another 20 days of vacation time starting January 1st 2007. YEAH.. that means I can try and use up some of that vaction if we are placed with a baby between now and May 22nd. Less time without pay in those 7 weeks. Ok, is your head spinning from that mumbojumbo? LOL

I am off to go put together this shelf I painted and am decoupaging to match the nursery. FUN.

music to my ears

Someone sang the song I wanted to hear for so long in my ears this weekend. Someone told me yesterday (Saturday) that our baby could very well be in the process of being conceived or could very well be on the way to being delivered very very soon or could have been born right about now. Our baby will come to us by way of a birthmothers adoption plan.

WOW.... I hope they know something we don't yet know. Maybe, just maybe there really is a baby out there being conceived that will become our future child, maybe that baby is gestating and could be born soon, maybe our baby might be born already?! Yes, it is possible.

We hope and pray this is true. Today at my cousins wedding I listened to the vows they took and it made me realize that for as long as we have been married (just past 15 years ourselves in Sept) we have always wanted children. Never in my mind could I have imagined at that moment of our vows, on the alter at St. Margaret's Church, would I have thought that it would take us through a journey of nearly 8 years of trying to conceive a child to hold in our arms. And never would I have imagined that that journey would walk us through such heartaches and pain of miscarriage and failed cycles to bring us to a journey to meet and love and cherish our future child through the blessing of adoption. I can't wait to see how our emotions run after we are placed with a child. I can't wait to look back at this post and say, wow, these emotions were so raw, so curious, so stripped of knowledge, so kindergarten out of a possible 12th grade education level. Does that make sense?

A "Journey" is what this really is. A journey of our faith, love, dedication and perseverance. Learning the ability to break the barriers that we never imagined we would have to hurdle. Melt away the wax of a tall pillared candle that bares the inner most strength of the corded core. Rebuild our faith of the lost moments of each of our losses of heartbeats I carried in my womb.

Stepping back over the last 8 months or so, I now realize that becoming a parent is our goal and has always been from the moment we reached out our hands and said our vows to each other. The moment we sealed our marriage with a kiss. It took many years to let go of the dream pregnancy, feeling that kicking baby in my belly, hearing the heartbeat grow stronger and stronger. I will not experience that physically myself, but maybe with a child being conceived that will ultimately become us by an adoption plan one birthmother will make and come our way sooner than later.

Ok, it is 12:38 am and I need to go to bed.

I want to thank you all for hanging in there with us through our Journey.