oh the weather outside is frightful

and my gutter fell off the house. Stop the sleet Stop the sleet stop the sleet.....(singing it to the song of Let it snow Let it snow Let it snow)

The sleet and freezing rain caused the gutter on the east side of our house to fall off 3/4 of the way. Yikes.

ENOUGH with the ice and sleet.

to our angel... I will always remember

one year ago today(1:45 am) we lost our ninth angel to heaven. I was 6w1d pregnant from our fifth fresh IVF cycle. DH and I went to dinner and while we were there I went to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding terribly. We went straight home and within 4 hours I had suffered our miscarriage while at home. This angel went to heaven after only six weeks of life, sadly, but I was so blessed to have even gotten pregnant with him or her. We will never know you here on earth, but one day (hopefully when I am old old old) we will meet you again. I wish I had carried you to full term, I wish you were breathing life outside my womb. I wish......

Love and hugs to our 9th and final angel baby I physially carried.

gone baby gone

5.2 lbs that is...........


gone


never to come back

GONE after hard work to NOT pig out all week. LOL It is hard to stick to the diet when I have such a pizza craving. I did give in one night and had pizza, but I was still able to drop 5.2 lbs this first week on WW's. Ahhhh.

One lady in the group lost 11 lbs... WOW... congrats to her.

Diet root beer is pretty good. Have you had it b4? Better than Diet Coke. Yick. I love me some veggies and dip. I survive on FF cool whip and jello. I need to go shopping again for a weeks worth of yogurt.

So the days of waiting continue with the adoption front. I said my prayers this week that we can make it through yet another holiday season with empty arms. I know we will be mommy and daddy soon, just stinks that this past failed adoption match did not work out because we would have been parents before Christmas. Dangitalready. Chin up... marching forward. I know that keeping my emotions in check helps and venting here helps so thanks for listening. Today I was in the store buying some new couch covers and saw a little boy walking around with this dad, what a cutie. That keeps my hopes up that we will make it through the wait to become parents, no matter how long it takes. Our little blessing is out there to be placed in our arms, we just have to believe that. We have to remember that the road ahead of us might be bumpy, but eventually we will come to that valley of joy and love when we finally meet our baby and our baby's birthmother/family.

Ok, off to go put the new couch cover on. I hope it fits. Gotta kick the dog off the couch first.

home scale

I know, I know.. the weight watchers leader told me to NOT step on the weight scale at home, but I just could not listen to her advice. So today, after being VERY VERY GOOD yesterday on my new eating habits, I stepped on the scale at home and I was down 3.5 lbs according to my scale. WHAT? No way. Well, I know my scale is right on with WW's because I weighed myself on my scale at home with my clothes on b4 the initial weigh in yesterday. So lets see if this scale at home stays accurate. 3.5 lbs in one day you say? Yes, I have so much water weight on me right now it is not funny. Plus I am getting off this domperidone so it has really helped in the process to drop a lbs or two.

I know I am bragging, but I feel better today doing this than I did yesterday. When I went into the meeting I was hesitant to believe that I am ready to give up the high calorie foods and drinks I have been eating for the last several years. Really hesitant. I went to Shop-n-save today and bought lots of fruits and veggies to help me in my zero to 1-2 point snacks, lots of healthy options in meats I can cook up, steam, broil and roast. All much healthier than fried fast foods I was eating. I am set for the next week or so with food.

One challenge I am giving myself is to walk at least 1/2 mile a day at work on my lunch. We have a temporary walking track in the empty office space above my office and 20 laps around the small track is 1/2 mile. So I need to go buy some good walking shoes this week. Mine are old and suck.

6 days until Weigh in.

Oh, The Rams Suck. Ha.. Can't believe they lost todays game too.

adoption, stopping breastfeeding protocol, weight loss,

We experienced a failed adoption match first hand this past month, but we have moved forward with our chins up. Adoptoin will happen eventually for us, no doubts there! We will be mommy and daddy. It was a hard past 4 weeks or so until we confirmed that the potential birthmother(pbm) decided to not make an adoption plan with us for her baby-to-be. We will get there, just sucks that we have to have experienced this failed match. Glad the AIS support group and support group leader in town for adoption was there for us. Good timing for that meeting to happen. LOL. I wish the pbm the best with her decisions.

When I went on the domperidone for the breastfeeding protocol, I was excited. Now after several months of taking the domperidone and pumping my breast milk, I have decided to stop the protocol for now. I will stop the domp., but continue to pump for a while to see how my body produces milk without help of medications. I have over 220(will recount that this weekend) ounces of my breastmilk stored in the deep freeze. YEAH! That is good for at least 6 months from date frozen so I hope we can be blessed enough to have an adoption come through and baby in our arms in that time. If not, I will try the protocol again closer to when we might know if another match with a pbm and a due date. BUT For now I need to focus on me, me and DH and me and my job.

After having gone through nearly 8 years of infertility treatments, 7 losses and 9 angel babies, now a failed adoption match, it is damn well time to focus on me. Internally and externally. I am ready to do this. I am ready to lose some weight, no mark that out..........LOTS OF WEIGHT. I went last weekend to join weight watchers in hampton village, but the office was closed. I was stumped until a member showed up and said she had forgotten that the office was closed for the 9:30 and 11 am meetins on that particular Saturday because of a regional meeting all WW employees had to attend. So I was a good girl and went back today. 8 am meeting. I am glad I went at that time because the leader of the group meeting was the same lady I liked to go to meetings for back about 4 years ago when I lost 22 lbs on ww's. Well I am back there to lose those 22 lbs I gained back and to lose more on top of that number that I had never gotten to lose b4. Make sense? Ha. I rejoined because I needed a place to know that I am not the only one struggling with weight. I yo-yo often, but recently I have been going up and up and hit my highest weight ever by 1 lb. So that did it. I was frustrated a few weeks ago when I went to buy a dress for a wedding and did not find one. So that put me in the mood to finally get down to the dirty deed and drop these lbs. Gosh, I remember back in the late 70's when my girlfriend and I joked about her mom being a lifetime member of WW's back then, but let me tell you now I know about wanting to be a lifetime member myself, I am all for it and NOT laughing anymore. I know how important this is because I want to be fit and healthy for our baby. I want to be able to get on the floor and play on his or her level without struggling to lift myself back off the floor. I want to walk the steps at work without this extra weight hurting my knees like it does. I want to walk a mile and not sweat like a pig. I WANT and I WILL.

DO you do WW's? If so, post come tips for snacks. HEALTHY FUN EASY TO MAKE SNACKS

antiques roadshow.....my wish

I lurrvvee watching this show. I am always facinated in those that can go to a yard sale, estate sale and find a TREASURED item that cost them maybe 2 or 300 dollars and then take their item to the roadshow and get an experts estimate of the fair market and or insurance replacement value of the item. Such as a sword this man bought for about 200 at an estate sale only to find out that the sword was a ccnfederate soliders sword and its value was around 20,000.00. Or Japanese tin toys from the circus from the 30's for 1200 or 1500 dollar range. Amazing. I love hearing about these types of stories. Maybe one day I can find a treasure like these lucky folks.

freecycle mad woman here

watch out.. DH and I are cleaning out the basement so we can use it as it was intended for..... a family room. Bahahahaha

Yahoo freecycle groups are fabulous. I have gotten rid of these items today....

med sized dog cage, sedan bike rack, rubbermaid bucket of movies, dog chain, keyboard, pregnancy books(sadly I could not use them very long when I was pg back last year and the many times b4), 2 used coffee pots, tv stand, weight set. How about that!!!! I got rid of ALL the things I listed on freecycle today. YEAH! Gotta love that place.

So we are hosting Thanksgiving, thus the basement cleaning party. Bah.

I hate cleaning house. I hate it with a passion. I admit I am horrible at this. DH hates it, the anal military trained man he is(was). I have conformed him to be lack luster about cleaning too. No, not my fault for him. I only take responsibilty for my actions or lack of. Bah He has just taken grip of doing it too. Poor guy. BUT now that we know we are hosting Turkey day, well the game is on to clean clean clean.

Anyone got a Mr. Magic clean eraser?

Living through a failed adoption match

over the last 8 weeks we have been busy learning about a potential birthmother situation. Per our lawyer we were considered matched and were just working on being in contact with the lawyer in the other state, but sadly we have learned that the potential birthmother has most likely decided to not make an adoption plan with us. It was hard to hear this information, but after a few tears and days of heartaches we are moving forward. Thank goodness for the local adoption support group.

In a way this was somewhat comparable to when we have suffered miscarriage losses or a negative fertility treatment cycle after a picture perfect start to it all. I have learned to keep my emotions in check now. It was enjoyable to think about being one step closer to becoming a mom soon during those weeks, but now I have to focus on remembering that we will become parents and that this situation was just not "THE MATCH" we had hoped for.

Picking up my dragging tail and marching forward in hopes that our wait for our baby is not too far away.

I won't let this kill me.

:What has not killed me will only make me stronger:

fertility or lack of..... revisited

a few weeks back we got a notice from our fertility clinic that they were going to move our ONE frozen embryo to Colorado. Plus it would cost us 300.00 to store it there. We have until November 30th to make the decision of what we want to do with this embie. If we don't respond then they have the right to destroy our embie. ARRGGHHHH. We are not the only couple that got this same notice from what I hear.

So we booked an appointment with a different local IF doc that deals with surrogacy. The appointment is Monday. Wish us luck. We don't have a surrogate yet, but we hope and pray that this clinic will allow us to move our one embie to their storage and keep it there until we can find a surrogate to try a frozen embryo transfer.

I am scared to think about visiting a fertility clinic again, but this might mean a future for our one embie to become a fetus and our future held in arms baby. I so wish we had more embies.

I have more to post on this issue later.....talking about lack of storage at the clinic our embie is at for the time being, but I will chat later about this.

Off to the local adoption support group meeting.