oh the weather outside is frightful

and my gutter fell off the house. Stop the sleet Stop the sleet stop the sleet.....(singing it to the song of Let it snow Let it snow Let it snow)

The sleet and freezing rain caused the gutter on the east side of our house to fall off 3/4 of the way. Yikes.

ENOUGH with the ice and sleet.

to our angel... I will always remember

one year ago today(1:45 am) we lost our ninth angel to heaven. I was 6w1d pregnant from our fifth fresh IVF cycle. DH and I went to dinner and while we were there I went to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding terribly. We went straight home and within 4 hours I had suffered our miscarriage while at home. This angel went to heaven after only six weeks of life, sadly, but I was so blessed to have even gotten pregnant with him or her. We will never know you here on earth, but one day (hopefully when I am old old old) we will meet you again. I wish I had carried you to full term, I wish you were breathing life outside my womb. I wish......

Love and hugs to our 9th and final angel baby I physially carried.

gone baby gone

5.2 lbs that is...........


gone


never to come back

GONE after hard work to NOT pig out all week. LOL It is hard to stick to the diet when I have such a pizza craving. I did give in one night and had pizza, but I was still able to drop 5.2 lbs this first week on WW's. Ahhhh.

One lady in the group lost 11 lbs... WOW... congrats to her.

Diet root beer is pretty good. Have you had it b4? Better than Diet Coke. Yick. I love me some veggies and dip. I survive on FF cool whip and jello. I need to go shopping again for a weeks worth of yogurt.

So the days of waiting continue with the adoption front. I said my prayers this week that we can make it through yet another holiday season with empty arms. I know we will be mommy and daddy soon, just stinks that this past failed adoption match did not work out because we would have been parents before Christmas. Dangitalready. Chin up... marching forward. I know that keeping my emotions in check helps and venting here helps so thanks for listening. Today I was in the store buying some new couch covers and saw a little boy walking around with this dad, what a cutie. That keeps my hopes up that we will make it through the wait to become parents, no matter how long it takes. Our little blessing is out there to be placed in our arms, we just have to believe that. We have to remember that the road ahead of us might be bumpy, but eventually we will come to that valley of joy and love when we finally meet our baby and our baby's birthmother/family.

Ok, off to go put the new couch cover on. I hope it fits. Gotta kick the dog off the couch first.

home scale

I know, I know.. the weight watchers leader told me to NOT step on the weight scale at home, but I just could not listen to her advice. So today, after being VERY VERY GOOD yesterday on my new eating habits, I stepped on the scale at home and I was down 3.5 lbs according to my scale. WHAT? No way. Well, I know my scale is right on with WW's because I weighed myself on my scale at home with my clothes on b4 the initial weigh in yesterday. So lets see if this scale at home stays accurate. 3.5 lbs in one day you say? Yes, I have so much water weight on me right now it is not funny. Plus I am getting off this domperidone so it has really helped in the process to drop a lbs or two.

I know I am bragging, but I feel better today doing this than I did yesterday. When I went into the meeting I was hesitant to believe that I am ready to give up the high calorie foods and drinks I have been eating for the last several years. Really hesitant. I went to Shop-n-save today and bought lots of fruits and veggies to help me in my zero to 1-2 point snacks, lots of healthy options in meats I can cook up, steam, broil and roast. All much healthier than fried fast foods I was eating. I am set for the next week or so with food.

One challenge I am giving myself is to walk at least 1/2 mile a day at work on my lunch. We have a temporary walking track in the empty office space above my office and 20 laps around the small track is 1/2 mile. So I need to go buy some good walking shoes this week. Mine are old and suck.

6 days until Weigh in.

Oh, The Rams Suck. Ha.. Can't believe they lost todays game too.

adoption, stopping breastfeeding protocol, weight loss,

We experienced a failed adoption match first hand this past month, but we have moved forward with our chins up. Adoptoin will happen eventually for us, no doubts there! We will be mommy and daddy. It was a hard past 4 weeks or so until we confirmed that the potential birthmother(pbm) decided to not make an adoption plan with us for her baby-to-be. We will get there, just sucks that we have to have experienced this failed match. Glad the AIS support group and support group leader in town for adoption was there for us. Good timing for that meeting to happen. LOL. I wish the pbm the best with her decisions.

When I went on the domperidone for the breastfeeding protocol, I was excited. Now after several months of taking the domperidone and pumping my breast milk, I have decided to stop the protocol for now. I will stop the domp., but continue to pump for a while to see how my body produces milk without help of medications. I have over 220(will recount that this weekend) ounces of my breastmilk stored in the deep freeze. YEAH! That is good for at least 6 months from date frozen so I hope we can be blessed enough to have an adoption come through and baby in our arms in that time. If not, I will try the protocol again closer to when we might know if another match with a pbm and a due date. BUT For now I need to focus on me, me and DH and me and my job.

After having gone through nearly 8 years of infertility treatments, 7 losses and 9 angel babies, now a failed adoption match, it is damn well time to focus on me. Internally and externally. I am ready to do this. I am ready to lose some weight, no mark that out..........LOTS OF WEIGHT. I went last weekend to join weight watchers in hampton village, but the office was closed. I was stumped until a member showed up and said she had forgotten that the office was closed for the 9:30 and 11 am meetins on that particular Saturday because of a regional meeting all WW employees had to attend. So I was a good girl and went back today. 8 am meeting. I am glad I went at that time because the leader of the group meeting was the same lady I liked to go to meetings for back about 4 years ago when I lost 22 lbs on ww's. Well I am back there to lose those 22 lbs I gained back and to lose more on top of that number that I had never gotten to lose b4. Make sense? Ha. I rejoined because I needed a place to know that I am not the only one struggling with weight. I yo-yo often, but recently I have been going up and up and hit my highest weight ever by 1 lb. So that did it. I was frustrated a few weeks ago when I went to buy a dress for a wedding and did not find one. So that put me in the mood to finally get down to the dirty deed and drop these lbs. Gosh, I remember back in the late 70's when my girlfriend and I joked about her mom being a lifetime member of WW's back then, but let me tell you now I know about wanting to be a lifetime member myself, I am all for it and NOT laughing anymore. I know how important this is because I want to be fit and healthy for our baby. I want to be able to get on the floor and play on his or her level without struggling to lift myself back off the floor. I want to walk the steps at work without this extra weight hurting my knees like it does. I want to walk a mile and not sweat like a pig. I WANT and I WILL.

DO you do WW's? If so, post come tips for snacks. HEALTHY FUN EASY TO MAKE SNACKS

antiques roadshow.....my wish

I lurrvvee watching this show. I am always facinated in those that can go to a yard sale, estate sale and find a TREASURED item that cost them maybe 2 or 300 dollars and then take their item to the roadshow and get an experts estimate of the fair market and or insurance replacement value of the item. Such as a sword this man bought for about 200 at an estate sale only to find out that the sword was a ccnfederate soliders sword and its value was around 20,000.00. Or Japanese tin toys from the circus from the 30's for 1200 or 1500 dollar range. Amazing. I love hearing about these types of stories. Maybe one day I can find a treasure like these lucky folks.

freecycle mad woman here

watch out.. DH and I are cleaning out the basement so we can use it as it was intended for..... a family room. Bahahahaha

Yahoo freecycle groups are fabulous. I have gotten rid of these items today....

med sized dog cage, sedan bike rack, rubbermaid bucket of movies, dog chain, keyboard, pregnancy books(sadly I could not use them very long when I was pg back last year and the many times b4), 2 used coffee pots, tv stand, weight set. How about that!!!! I got rid of ALL the things I listed on freecycle today. YEAH! Gotta love that place.

So we are hosting Thanksgiving, thus the basement cleaning party. Bah.

I hate cleaning house. I hate it with a passion. I admit I am horrible at this. DH hates it, the anal military trained man he is(was). I have conformed him to be lack luster about cleaning too. No, not my fault for him. I only take responsibilty for my actions or lack of. Bah He has just taken grip of doing it too. Poor guy. BUT now that we know we are hosting Turkey day, well the game is on to clean clean clean.

Anyone got a Mr. Magic clean eraser?

Living through a failed adoption match

over the last 8 weeks we have been busy learning about a potential birthmother situation. Per our lawyer we were considered matched and were just working on being in contact with the lawyer in the other state, but sadly we have learned that the potential birthmother has most likely decided to not make an adoption plan with us. It was hard to hear this information, but after a few tears and days of heartaches we are moving forward. Thank goodness for the local adoption support group.

In a way this was somewhat comparable to when we have suffered miscarriage losses or a negative fertility treatment cycle after a picture perfect start to it all. I have learned to keep my emotions in check now. It was enjoyable to think about being one step closer to becoming a mom soon during those weeks, but now I have to focus on remembering that we will become parents and that this situation was just not "THE MATCH" we had hoped for.

Picking up my dragging tail and marching forward in hopes that our wait for our baby is not too far away.

I won't let this kill me.

:What has not killed me will only make me stronger:

fertility or lack of..... revisited

a few weeks back we got a notice from our fertility clinic that they were going to move our ONE frozen embryo to Colorado. Plus it would cost us 300.00 to store it there. We have until November 30th to make the decision of what we want to do with this embie. If we don't respond then they have the right to destroy our embie. ARRGGHHHH. We are not the only couple that got this same notice from what I hear.

So we booked an appointment with a different local IF doc that deals with surrogacy. The appointment is Monday. Wish us luck. We don't have a surrogate yet, but we hope and pray that this clinic will allow us to move our one embie to their storage and keep it there until we can find a surrogate to try a frozen embryo transfer.

I am scared to think about visiting a fertility clinic again, but this might mean a future for our one embie to become a fetus and our future held in arms baby. I so wish we had more embies.

I have more to post on this issue later.....talking about lack of storage at the clinic our embie is at for the time being, but I will chat later about this.

Off to the local adoption support group meeting.

tubeless in st. louis

t

oh the addiction

I curse the lady that gave me this site.

http://www.weffriddles.com

aaaaccchhhhuuuuu

loverly weather... really it is not that bad, except for the seasonal (which for me is all year long) allergies. What is blooming or is the mold count sky high today?

I was fine yesterday, but today, man watch out puffs box, you are my buddy today.

Yesterday was DH's bday.. 42! And he was the best man in a friends wedding and man did he look very good all dressed up! Happy Birthday!

So I am cleaning out the nursery of the items I have gotten either from family, yard sales, and or bought. I had a pathway to the rocker for when I pump and that was getting to become too little of a path. So up to storage go the toys my cousin so graciously handed down to us for our future baby. Packing up the items I have not sold on Ebay to my mom to keep. Moving the furniture around a little bit to make it more open floor spacious for a b-line floor path from the crib to the changing table to the rocker again.

Need to register for the Perspectives on Adoption conference hosted by SSM St. Mary's Health Center on November 4th 2006. 9-3:30 pm. This is put on by the lady / nurse that hosted and taught our adoptive parenting class. It will be nice to see her. Seems ages ago that we took that class (July - August).
If you want more details, let me know.

PCOS support group in town was suppose to meet the last Tuesday of this month, but due to Halloween she has cancelled that meeting. She=Dr. Jan. BUT I heard that she might combine her first Tuesday of the month IF Support meeting with a PCOS meeting. I am ok with doing that. I need some perspectives on how to get this weight back down. PCOS makes it very difficult for women to lose weight, yet put it on very easily. So that means I can use her help in creating an eating plan and exercise plan to get back to my goal weight. Heck, I have like 80 lbs to lose, but I know I need a while to do that. I know I can at least start and of course the nutritional food she suggests will also be good for breastfeeding and baby to come.

I freakin' hate cleaning house. Rest assured my actions so far today are helping make this house a better place already.

Yesterday I successfully pumped 6 oz. Ahhh, nice to see that kind of return. I pumped more that I usually do being the weekend, so maybe today being Sunday I can do the same or close to it. I am still happy with having produced about 5.5 oz on Friday though since I can't pump at work.

CHeers to a great day and

GO CARDINALS
GO CARDINALS

lack of words

you know sometimes in life you hit those areas of being speechless? well, that is the time of my life right now. I am one that tends to think and think and think, but never stop to write things down. I say "you better blog that", but then I never stop to do that and those thoughts are lost. My lack of worded posts come from the fact that I tend to make mental lists of things to do and NEVER seem to put them down on paper. Well, last week I talked to my therapist about this(yes, I still see a therapist after all our infertility issues turned adoption issues, best money ever spent!) and she really got on me about not making paper lists and or journaling. So I started my lists and promised myself I will print them Friday night and start working on the to-do lists to knock some of these things I have let go of. Do you tend to do this also? How do you cope?

I am at a new stage in my life and am ready to get myself back in shape. I am done with this body of mine. It disgusts me. I am sick and tired of it so it is time for a change. No, no diet... just a better alternative to eating. I am PCOS and believe me it is so hard to get the weight down. So my therapist runs a PCOS support group and I am going to get my butt in gear and join in next meeting. POST if you want details for this meeting. She gives wonderful info on proper eating and most importantly, exercising.

Exercising is something I don't like nor do at this point in my life, BUT I want to be a mommy one day that can walk up stairs with child in arms and not be winded once I reach the top of the steps. I want to be able to get up and down on the floor and play. I think the best kind of communication with a child / toddler is one of eye level communication. That means I will have to get down on their level and my gosh when you are overweight it is nearly impossible.

Speaking of impossible............ we will get a call one day soon. It is not impossible to adopt. RING PHONE RING.

To remember those lost babies

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Thanks KD for mentioning this on your site! I know there are so many families that have suffered losses at many stages of either pregnancy or infantcy and it is so sad. I know first hand. Way too many losses in my book.

Blessings to those that have lost and thank you to those that remember.

more and more

4.5 oz each day and over 60 oz (maybe more if I go do a count) in the deep freeze

pumping and storing

quick reference guide for myself to link to:
kellymom
Storage guidelines
HUMAN MILK STORAGE - QUICK REFERENCE CARD
Temperature Storage Time
Freshly expressed milk
Warm room 79°F / 25°C 4-6 hours
Room temperature 66-72°F / 19-22°C 10 hours
Insulated cooler / icepacks 60°F / 15°C 24 hours
Refrigerated Milk (Store at back, away from door)
Refrigerator (fresh milk) 32-39°F / 0-4°C 8 days
Refrigerator (thawed milk) 32-39°F / 0-4°C 24 hours
Frozen Milk (Do not refreeze! Store at back, away from door/sides)
Freezer compartment
inside refrigerator (older-style) Varies 2 weeks
Self-contained freezer unit
of a refrigerator/freezer Varies 3-6 months
Separate deep freeze 0°F / 19°C 6-12 months

when all else fails

When all else fails to keep my sanity, I know it is then time to book an appointment with my therapist. Sure, she was my IF therapist, but she is a well rounded topic therapist too. She deals with all kinds of issues, not just infertility. Some days I think I have it all together, but lately I don't. I need to release my frustrations with the adoption wait, my lack of interest in losing weight, and my lack of cleaning the weighted full of junk household. OMG. My house is a mess. I admit it to anyone. I need to get my therapist to go over a structured schedule with me. Discuss the fact that I KNOW we will make it through the wait for a baby through adoption no matter how long it takes.

My head hurts when I walk into this house. I think I have an answer to my problems, but I just need to talk it out with someone and DH is NOT the person to help me as we usually turn our talks into fighting matches. Who can one up the other with arguments etc.... Know what I mean?

Oh shit.. I am not making sense am I?

I need a vacation and wouldn't it be nice to have one with a call that a baby is on the way? Camping soon so maybe we will get a match call soon. RING PHONE RING

Speaking of vacaction and babies......... I have 7 weeks of FMLA time remaining between now and May 22nd 2007. I used 5 weeks back in May of this year for my hysterectomy. If we are blessed to have a baby placed with us between now and May 22, 2007 then I only get 7 weeks remaining of the 12 weeks for FMLA. Now mind you this 7 weeks will be UNPAID as ADOPTION is not a medical reason to be paid for FMLA. So I am planning hard to save up the funds for at least 5 of those 7 weeks off without pay. I have 10 days of paid vacation right now and can carry them over until March 1 2007 if needed to use while on FMLA time off. BUT I get another 20 days of vacation time starting January 1st 2007. YEAH.. that means I can try and use up some of that vaction if we are placed with a baby between now and May 22nd. Less time without pay in those 7 weeks. Ok, is your head spinning from that mumbojumbo? LOL

I am off to go put together this shelf I painted and am decoupaging to match the nursery. FUN.

music to my ears

Someone sang the song I wanted to hear for so long in my ears this weekend. Someone told me yesterday (Saturday) that our baby could very well be in the process of being conceived or could very well be on the way to being delivered very very soon or could have been born right about now. Our baby will come to us by way of a birthmothers adoption plan.

WOW.... I hope they know something we don't yet know. Maybe, just maybe there really is a baby out there being conceived that will become our future child, maybe that baby is gestating and could be born soon, maybe our baby might be born already?! Yes, it is possible.

We hope and pray this is true. Today at my cousins wedding I listened to the vows they took and it made me realize that for as long as we have been married (just past 15 years ourselves in Sept) we have always wanted children. Never in my mind could I have imagined at that moment of our vows, on the alter at St. Margaret's Church, would I have thought that it would take us through a journey of nearly 8 years of trying to conceive a child to hold in our arms. And never would I have imagined that that journey would walk us through such heartaches and pain of miscarriage and failed cycles to bring us to a journey to meet and love and cherish our future child through the blessing of adoption. I can't wait to see how our emotions run after we are placed with a child. I can't wait to look back at this post and say, wow, these emotions were so raw, so curious, so stripped of knowledge, so kindergarten out of a possible 12th grade education level. Does that make sense?

A "Journey" is what this really is. A journey of our faith, love, dedication and perseverance. Learning the ability to break the barriers that we never imagined we would have to hurdle. Melt away the wax of a tall pillared candle that bares the inner most strength of the corded core. Rebuild our faith of the lost moments of each of our losses of heartbeats I carried in my womb.

Stepping back over the last 8 months or so, I now realize that becoming a parent is our goal and has always been from the moment we reached out our hands and said our vows to each other. The moment we sealed our marriage with a kiss. It took many years to let go of the dream pregnancy, feeling that kicking baby in my belly, hearing the heartbeat grow stronger and stronger. I will not experience that physically myself, but maybe with a child being conceived that will ultimately become us by an adoption plan one birthmother will make and come our way sooner than later.

Ok, it is 12:38 am and I need to go to bed.

I want to thank you all for hanging in there with us through our Journey.

don't you hate that?

In todays society you must have an ID and password for everything. Well, I done gone and done it. I lost my password to this blog. It took me a few days to figure it out, but I am back to work.

My new jewel.......... A Mazda Tribute. I got rid of my little ford focus and upgraded to a multi passenger car finally. Well, enough to have at least 1 baby in a car seat and 3 dogs. The vehicle is not a huge suv and it actually gets the same exact gas milage as my focus did. BUT the benefit is that it has room in the back to put the dogs and keep them back there with a cargo net. Ahhhh. Freedom of no dogs in my front seat finally.
I am excited about the new vehicle. We stayed in budget and when I called to change over the car insurance from the ford focus to the mazda tribute, my insurance costs went down 23 bucks every 6 months. WOW. Bigger vehicle, but lower insurance? Yup. I asked why and they said it was because the tribute is higher is safety ratings. huh? Dang, I was in danger in my little ford focus? Nice to have known that now after having driven it for 2.5 years. BUT it eases my mind knowing that when we do finally have a larger family by way of a baby then we will be much safer than that focus was. Now if I could only get seat belts for the dogs too.

Ok, off to find some dinner and shop on ebay for a few things like ink cartridges for my printer. Poor printer, I have run the color ink dry.

check this pack out

Western Kids Ladybug backpack $12.00 (+4.25 in s/h if needed)


email me if interested