well let me tell you about my experience in injecting DH...... haha

Yeeehaawwww. I finally got revenge... Sweet revenge. OMG... I enjoyed it so much and I actually made him get mad at me..

Ok to start out with, DH was diagnosed with low testosterone..... thus he was given a protocol of needing to take 20 amps of bravelle and 20,000 units of HCG over a 30 day period. SOOOO, we got his meds now and I got out the needles and mixed them for him. I told him he can inject himself and he said no, I want you to do it... GLADLY I said under my breath knowing that I would seek revenge for all those danged PIO shots he gives me in our IVF cycles. OH THE JOY... The self seeking pleasure of me finally getting to inject DH.


I grabbed the mixed syringes and alcohol pad, gave him a wipe to steralize the belly, let it dry (yes I was nice enough to let it dry b4 injecting so it would not sting so much, haha) and then injected the HCG first. It was easy going in.. Now mind you he also skirted off pretty well since they let him take these injections SubQ instead of IM like the HCG is that you and I take. ... That HCG went in very easy. I pulled out the needle and OMGosh, WE HAD A BLEEDER.. Bahahahahahaha..... The look on his face was precious. It was of utter shock and disbelief that I did this to him (ok, only my one pay back of a BLEEDER to his 20 or so he has given me!) . So I gave him a towel to cover it while I readied his other side of the belly for the Bravelle shot. Wiped it with the sterile wipe... .let it dry and OMG the skin was so tough.. but I stuck it in anyway.. He said "OUCH" I said "OOPS" and giggled. OMG... This is me, innocent little bec that got to giggle from his pain? OMG... I am still LOL over this.

Girls... that was a bleeder also.. Poor guy was sitting there with both sides of his belly covered in paper towels to stop the bleeding. well the bleeding only lasted a few mintues each and really was not all that dramatic... but it was funny to have this all played out in a reverse roll after 5 years of shots being given to ME!

My Joy for Easter Sunday.


giggle giggle.
bec

Easter brings the ol' witch...

so sweet... instead of a basket full of candy, mine is a drawer full of tampons. SORRY , Yes, it is too much info for you, but for me blogging this is seems to be the only way to keep track of my cycles. When I am on a Benched, no cycle plan I don't care, but this is getting me closer to the idea of a cycle of IVF happening soon. like weeks from starting our first shots if we go with the lupron protocol.

Speaking of lupron, have you ever been on that nasty stuff? It is a drug used in IVF prep to inactivate the ovaries... I know, why inactivate them? Well you need to keep them quiet for a few weeks until you are ready to shock your system with MEGA Hormones. I mean MEGA. So you throw your system into a memopausal stage and then do a 180 degree turn with major doses of hormones to kick the ovaries into gear to produce as many as 20-30 follies and hopefully as many eggs in those follies to go to retrieval so the eggies and spermies can meet by ICSIin the most romantic setting possible for makaing a baby... in a Lab! HAHAHAHA

Oh back to lurpon and the side effects.. OMG can you say HOT FLASH city and one of the oddest headaches you will ever have ! Now I understand why menopausal women have such a hard time with hormone shifts!

Ok, back to studying for my Intermediate Windows XP class final tomorrow night.

gotta root for them

I must root for them... They are in this for a great cause Read about this couples quest for 1 million and why IVF is important to them. How can I not root for them knowing that DH and I are attempting our 5th IVF?

GO Uchenna and Joyce!

yes, I am a junk TV lover and Amazing race is one of those that feed my addition

flowers

do you ever buy flowers for yourself? you know, cut flowers from the florist... or even the 6.00 pack from Schnucks or something like that?

I just love carnations 'cuz they Last so long and if you buy white carnations you can add food coloring to the water and it will literally turn the flower petals the color of the water of food dye.

hehe

the ol' witch is knocking

cousin spot is here.... and boy let me tell you about the PMS I have on this here provera I am done taking now... OMG.. I can't even stand myself. You know, those days when you just want to sleep because every time you do something, touch something, breathe.... it falls apart and just goes plain wrong... well that is me today.

I can't stand myself. AF is a knockin' and I acutally need her to barge in and take over. I hope this blood clot resolves too.

I go back the 5th instead of the 4th.. Dr. Ahlering is not in on the 4th so they called to reschedule me on the 5th. Fine.. I will go in and then take the rest of the day off for a ME day... hehe.. A nice massage sounds good, right? I deserve one, right?

Speaking of massages, where should I go? Scandals? Face & body or do you have a suggestion? Local to St. Louis and only max of 20 miles away, ok?


bec

oh crapppooolllaaa

my fluid US did not go good. I have a blood clot in the uterus that formed where the septum was taken out. Dang it. the RE tried to jar it loose, but could not on the US screen... We could see it move, but not break loose. He is really hoping that when I stop the provera and get AF that the AF will jar it loose also... I sure hope so, if not then it is surgery AGAIN. frick.

Not the news I was hoping for. Just bad news after bad news. I am done with that already.

I go back on the 4th and will do another fluid US so please keep me in your thoughts to get this thing gone by then.

In the meantime, I get to start injucting DH with Bravelle and HCG shots for his low testosterone. LOL

catch you all soon

loss followed by loss will not get me down.

today, only a few days after my grandma passed, DH and I had to put our 13 year old Black cat to sleep.

Whitey, aka FATSO( because she use to weigh lots of lbs) was sick with either cancer or FIP or cancer of the abdominal lining and organs. I miss her so much already. I took her up there to Webster vet and they did xrays, US and fluid tap on the abdomen. My cat was suffering this past week and now we know why. The vet said she was sure that Fatso had cancer, but was not sure if she also had the FIP. After discussing this with DH, he joined me at the vet and we decided to stop the suffering that Fatso was going through. I held her in my arms while she was given her shot to ease her heartbeat and then it stopped, she went limp in my arms and was in heaven! I am sad, I cried my way home in the car, but we will have her cremated and I will buy a nice memorial box to keep her close to us soon.

here is a picture

Wednesday March 16th... my grandma passed away...

I am sad to lose her. She was my only remaining grandparent and now I will have no ggrandparents for our children to meet one day. Sad.

Gram , Hazel was 88 going on 89 this month and lived a full wonderful life. Mom to Norma, Juanita, Dale, Darlene, Carol, and Janice.

Bless her soul.

bec

dh has to do shots... hehe

no, I am not trying to be evil, but now he has to take shots for his low testosterone... He has to do bravelle shots and HCG shots for LH which helps with raising the testoserone... but the big question now is that why didn't our previous RE find this wrong with him? hmmmm sure, ICSI can help bypass lots of male factor problems, but this might have contributed to fertilzation problems. Frick. Now I have to find Bravelle for a cheaper price than IVPcares price of 1100.00 ... NOT PAYING THAT MUCH.

Ok then on the update for me.. I start my provera and estrace tonight. This is to help from surgery and then prep me for a new cycle.

YEAH.

moving right along.

Concerts... which do you save up for?

There are only 2 concerts I care to see anymore....

#2 on my list is PRINCE

#1 on my list is U2


#2 on the list... If you grew up in the 80s as a teen and followed prince's music from the late 70's too then you are a true fan! Sure, he had had his ups and downs with his music and "PR" during the late 80s and early 90's but let me tell you he has a FUNK root that just beats in my soul that is very rich and true to his music. That man can play nearly 27 different instruments, he write, records, produces, acts, sings, manages... what else can you expect of him? Another thing that touches me about him is that he and his wife lost a child after birth. It relates to DH and I in our stuggles to become parents too. I have also been to 5 of his concerts and every time they get better and better. Heck, I went by myself this last Musicology tour because I wanted to see him and let me tell you I think that was one of THE best if not THE BEST concerts I have seen in my concert going years of any genre of music.


#1 on the list.... What can I say... U2. They rock and are being induction into the Rock -n- Roll hall of Fame this weekend!!!!!! I leaned of U2 when they were on their 2nd album... then I became ingrossed in their music and have not stopped since. Sure they also have their not so good and then some of the best songs out there, but I like that they take risks and really produce what they want to at that time in their careers.

post hysteroscopy

My hysteroscopy/septum resection went very well. I did have a delay due to a mishap with instructions on when I could eat last. LOL I was told I could eat up until 8 am but it was suppose to be 8 hours before could be the last thing to eat. Oops.. the 8 am deadline was what was written on my appointment card! Dr. A was wonderful about talking the anesthiologist in to letting me wait unitl around 4 pm to have surgery... Amy I think her name was... she was very nice about it,.... just had to find a babysitter in order to stay later for my surgery. I know I bumped several people on their consult times and I am so sorry for that... but I could not come back another day for surgery and I think my tears hit dr. A in the heart and made him feel bad for me. yikes.

today there is less bleeding than last night and now I have a mix of CM! JOY... not. What a tease that CM can be when you can't do the dirty deed with DH and when you are also TUBELESS IN ST. LOUIS.

I look forward to being about to cyclc soon. DR. A was very kind in saying that we will cycle sooner that later even if we would have had to delay the surgery.

I like their office set up and look forward to retrieval day.
I have to call Monday for my updated reports and Dh's test results and to schedule a fluid US before we can move forward for our cycle.... yet thinking that a cycle is so close is exciting.

Oh... Hugs to mae! Roller coaster rides SUX
Pulling for you and your family for good news soon!... I am here for you.

l8tr

novel part 1

had my fluid US / MET(mock embryo transfer today) and it was not good news.

I have a residual septum that needs to be resected again.. AGAIN.. frick. I am so mad at my body right now I can't see straight. My septum is 2cm thick again from the top of the uterus and needs to come out to give us a better chance of a great implantation area for our FINAL fresh IVF cycle.

I am booked for the in office surgery / hysteroscopy for this coming Friday at 1:15 pm I have to be there at 12:15 and I have to ask my mom to drive me and pick me up. UGH DH said he can't get off work due to projects going on. I gues I will take the whole day again. if not I have to come in early then drive myself back home and then have my mom take me there and back home. Can't drive due to sedation. Ok, this is minor, but yet another set back/disappointment.

BTW, Dr. A walked in for the US and shook my hand and then gave me a "brother" hand shake too. LOL funny guy. He was sorry we have to do surgery and was glad I concur with his suggestions to make this uterine cavity of mine the best possible environment for our next try.

I then went to my OB/gyn for my annual and showed him the septum picture and agrees that this is a good step forward to go ahead with the surgery. He said it is sure there again and if I felt it was a good idea then go for it to be able to move forward to have a fresh uterine environment for a transfer.

My OB then said he did not mean to intrude, but wanted to know if DH and I had thought about surrogacy with our 3 frozen blasts .... I was glad he said this, but I totally shocked him when I told him it would be an average of 30,000 for the surrogate fee unless I could find a family member to carry for us or a dear friend. I got a good pat on the back from the OB saying he admires the strength DH and I have to move forward! That felt good.

I will try and hold my head up high and move forward knowing we are blessed to have this cycle granted to us.

I went and visited our memorial at the SHARE Angel of Hope where we have a bricked layed in memory of our angels in heaven(THanks to the friends here and in St. Lousi that helped purchase that for us) ... Beautiful breezy day with the sun nice and warm. I sat there and talked to our angels and asked them to please bring us an EARTH angel. I shed some good tears and feel much better now..

Quitting my second job on Tuesday....


Thanks to everyone for being here and understanding the frustrations and tears we shed.


bec

oh to have an angel from heaven come to us to be our surrogate is my dream. Really.. I have had 2 dreams lately and has my sister! Never giving up hope!

ready...set... go

I have lift off... a new start to a new IVF cycle.... I see a new Reproductive Doc tomorrow at 10:40 am for my first US and blood work to prep for our INCIID cycle.

I am nervous and excited.

I then get to go visit my OB/Gyn for my annual. Oh fun. I like my OB/gyn so the visit will be well worth it. He has been there for me since the day I landed in the ER with my first ectopic pgcy back in 7/99.

I am anxious to find out what our cycle dates will be and what our full protocol will be. I have to put money down for our MET... mock embryo transfer .... also DH did his MANLY duties this past week and we await his test results on the SA and blood work too. that was 375.00 for his tests. Cha Ching. See, there are some costs involved with this cycle from INCIID the Heart, but we wil see how much it will add up to be. I am thinking about 2000.00 maybe a few more dollars than that. BUT HEY.. for a 10,000 dollar cycle and plus meds of 3-4000, I am not complaining at all!

I wanted to send my prayers out to Grandma Albert/Doty.. she is ill and almost did not make it this past weekend. Bless her and her heart.

I will post more tomorrow.

let the whirlwind begin.

hiatis..... it is a good thing

I took a break.. if you know me, it was for the good. I am back and ready to start my road to thinking positive for a new chance at creating a child .. a child that looks like my husband, a child that is beautiful and has both of our traits.

Lots has happened in the last month, but I will recap later this week.

like my basement disaster update, car update, 2nd job update, RE CONSULT updates. hehe


but the sad part of the last month was that I have had several IF friends go through losses and it really hurts to see them suffer. Especailly Mae.


bec

slacking

I am a professional at slacking ... how about you? tell me... procrastination is my game and bekkiboo is my name.

I have to make an outline of our IVF / IF history for Thursdays meeting with the new RE (reproductive endocrinologist doc) and I have yet to lift a pen or type a key on the keyboard to set this outline up. LOL

Sleep, sleep is all I want to do these days. yawn.

Soooo, do you procrastinate? if so, name one thing that sits for long periods of time b4 you pick it up again to finish/accomplish it.

soft cuddly puppy wanted

yes, call us crazy, but DH wants (and so do it, hehe) a new puppy. A chocolate Lab female puppy.

3 dogs in a house? call us crazy, but it will most likely happen. If you know of any breeders for chocolate labs please post their info.

oh, my 2 cats will just love us for adding to the family... NOT.

blah blah blah.... at catch up...

lets see, in the last 2 weeks..

I turned 35, I feel it too. LOL I am about 35 years away from retiring one day. Now that should make anyone feel good, right? hahahaha. That would be 2040 before I could retire? hmmmm, must find a way to build my retirement investment to the fullest.

My freaking car is still in the shop.... long story for another day.

my plumbing is fixed in the house.... but now we await the carpet to be replaced.

I have 3 full days until our next IVF consult. You know the consult from the INCIID the HEART program? Yeah, that one. The granted IVF cycle we applied for and received through INCIID. (now lets see if I did that right and inserted the clickable link to inciid through the hightlighted word INCIID.. if Not, then I must go learn some HTML. bahahaha). Ok, my IVF consult is set for Thursday with a new RE in ... I delivered my paperwork to them on Friday and let me tell you I had those cool butterflies in my belly .. you know, the kind that are from excitment of something new and adventurous. We have been going through IF since 1999 and went to the same RE since then, now we are seeing a new doc to take us hopefully on the new journey to parenthood this IVF cycle.

I started back to school. I am a lifer at community college and will take a class this semester that is divided into 3 classes for 1 credit hour each. Intro to WindowXP, intermediate, and Advanced. WOOOHOOO. Good thing about having a new laptop is that it was installed with XP so I can do my homework from home and not have to go to the school lab to do my work. I know Windows and know it well so I take this class as a rest from the hard class I had last semester and the gobs of homework that jerk of a teacher gave us. I did get out of that class with an A, but hard fought.

Work at Famous B...(retraining from using their full name from here on out!) is work... I was asked to take on the responsibility of learning the vault and deposit process. They believe I have the skills to learn the process and do deposits on the weekend days for the West County store. I find this interesting yet a scary proposition... It is a HUGE responsibility of money and care for a large department store. I worked in 2 banks and did the vaults and deposits, but loved it so I find this job proposistion a chool endeavour. Wish me luck. This is my part time job on top of my day job so I hope it is worth it.

I went to a bowling for bloggers event this past saturday and let me tell you it was nice to meet a great bunch of folks. So much so they have convinced me to join their blogger group... I hope they don't mind. I am not as lively as most of them, but it was a great welcome.

Thanks Mae!

is 35 harder than 30?

meaning... is turning 35 harder emotionally than 30? So far it is. I dread 35. Now I am considered Advanced maternal age for reproduction > GREAT. NOT.

I took the day off work tomorrow(today since it is 12:48 am on Jan 13th). I deserve it. Shame is that I won't be able to sleep in because the plumber is going to be here laying concrete over my spankin' new pipes in the basement. Fun. NOT. Good part of the day is that my mom is taking me to play bingo for my bday present. LOL I asked her to.

Man, I am a nerd. I am watching the World Poker Tournament... I would love to play Texas Holdum. hehe

one day.

Happy Birthday to me........

What is it for me?

eating a zinger... Really, what is in it for me? loads of sugar. LOL Not what I need right now. I am trying to lose a few lbs.. But it is hard being diabetic and NOT disceplined. Bahahaha... Well, today is something like CD 5 and AF is being spotty strange.... hmmm

My car is not fixed yet and my rental will run out b4 it is. Frick.

Our new sewer line is in... we had to shower at the neighbors this AM for work. thanks Fran.

my bday is in 2 days. YEAH. I took a personal Holiday for it too. YEAH. Mom is taking me to bingo that night too. YEAH. Come on Money winnings. Hit mom and I both!

are you fit for an update?

I don't blog as much as I want to....

my car is still kaput.... my body is playing finderd keepers or loosers with AF... I guess today is CD1???? well, we will call it Friday the 7th as CD1... YEAH...

IVF consult is January 27th and man that is only 20 days away starting tomorrow AM.

sewer line repair contract is 10600.

watching JackAss on MTV and am loving it. LOL

kathyt is at home on rest with her twin boys due in a few weeks.. she needs another 3-4 weeks gestation to be in great shape... I feel for her.

I can't wait to be a mommy and have her around for support too.

I have so much on my mind that I can't keep u pwith it all. I am so tired... so signing off and heading to bed...

oh the cramps.


CD1 is tomorrow... yuck.. 4 tylenol is not even touching these cramps. yick

dreaming hanna sleeps next to me in bed. sweet.